My neighbour is a Vietnam Vet. I never fancy a curry at his house.
The Japanese version is always won by the "Who wants to be a millionaire" host. They call it Japan has Tarrant.
My wife always wanted a tumble drier so I stopped throwing buckets of water over her when I tripped her up.
substantial ---- Lend money to former Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band frontman.
I was shocked to hear there was a GCSE in animal husbandry. Gay marriage is one thing but this is a step too far.
I always thought Pick and Micks were more associated with canals than Woolworths
Young male offenders are being forced to make flotation devices for lifeboats as potential punishment. Talk about yobs for the buoys.
My Grandma made money by knitting covers for teapots. Customers used to cosy up to her for a good price.
I've been invited to a party where the only drink allowed is alcoholic beverage made from sugarcane by-products. It's a rum do.
I keep reporting deviants for voyeuristic activity in the lane but Police indifference is dogging any progress.
donkey ---- door opening device belonging to Mafia Godfather
Galpharm's new wonder drug has side effects. There are reports of temporary blindness and a desperate urge to to call to say I love you.
Late news: Dwarfs visiting prostitutes are meeting with mounting problems.
My pregnant neighbour answered the door in her nightie this morning. I had no idea she had been knocked up.
My mate played a Venetian Blinds salesman in a local play and was so good he took twelve curtain calls
I used to be friendly with a high court judge but, to be honest, he tried my patience.
I knew a gay monk who fell in love with a fellow brother but it went nowhere as the man of his dreams had a Prior engagement.
I just invented a new type face where the figures are both scary as well as wavy and wispy. I think I'll call it the Boo font.
I bought my mate a book on advanced mental arithmetic techniques. It didn't cost much but it's the thought that counts.
My visit to the local ironworks proved to be absolutely ore inspiring.
Just invented a revolutionary new type of pneumatic road drill. The design is absolutely ground breaking.
If you want to know how long it takes for a famous dead person to decompose there is a new book out called Ooze who?
My mate said I was like Douglas Fairbanks. I thought he saw me as "suave and sophisticated" but he meant I was a thief of bad gags.
Imbibed heavily yesterday on a mixture of fruit juice, wine and spirit in a bowl with fruit. Woke up with black eyes. I was punch drunk.
My mate Hugh Mann has no idea what his rights are
Does Cillit bang go off?
I got a new job at the Bic biro plant. I am chief feeler of felt pens.
I used to worry when I was younger, about losing my hair and teeth. Fortunately, my memory is still good and I remember where I keep them.
My next door neighbour is so slutty she always has a ladder in her tights for the dwarf that lives down the lane.
I hate doing crazy paving. I always end up flagging badly.
In preparation for Athens announcing the relaunching the Drachma, the Euro will be printed in future on Greece proof paper.
There was a heavy dew on our lawn this morning. Mrs. Golberg is a nosey old bugger.
Me and my wife got fed up of arguing what was the best way to emphasise something in writing so we decided to draw a line under it.
Despite being an award winning topiarist I refuse to rest on my laurels.
Damned sweary gypsy woman at the door this morning selling stuff. I had to take her down a peg or two.
Rangers going into administration? Is this a wind up?
I hate going out for a meal with my mate who works on the stock exchange. He is always playing footsie with me.
Roses are Red Violets are blue, Look there's a wasp, I have ADHD too.
It's disgusting that the BBC are discriminating against older women in programming. I know some older women with great tits.
I have signed up to be an organ donor. I never use this old Bontempi anyway.
I tried to think of the name of a game with dough in it but I didn't have a clue.
Just got winded by a brick. It turned out to be a breeze block.
The world duvet stuffing championships start at Wembley tomorrow. The BBC are giving blanket coverage.
My mate is so dumb. On remand in prison he spent hours on the gym treadmill when someone told him it was possible to break out in a sweat.
It's about time that Lou Harris stopped bragging about her bloody Emmy award.
I just tried out a bad gag on the Mrs. It was really bad as she could still speak.
Spielberg is following up the success of war horse with a film about Bobby Charlton's relationship with his brother called wor Jackie, .
If the F.A. insist that the new England manager must be fluent in English, does that rule out Roy Hodgson?
In restaurants it is rumoured than Sun reporters always pay the bill.
A thief wearing indoor shoes keeps nicking stuff from our shop. We can't catch the slippery little bugger.
I wonder if Hugh ever reciprocated the love that Whitney Huston was saving all her love for.
Who the hell is this Evans bloke and why should we be thanking him for little girls? Sounds a bit sinister to me.
Following the failure of the hedgehog flavoured crisps, Walkers have adapted the concept to produce prickled onion flavour.
I had only 3 minutes to last to win the "world hold a peanut up your nose" championships, then I blew it.
n bed a night, my left leg makes a series of profane noises. After an examination, the doctor told me I had very coarse veins.
I wrote a superb set of jokes about washing lines for my stand up debut but the lousy venue manager refused to let me use any props.
For fun, I often dress up as Sherlock Holmes and harass old ladies on the street. I always wear my old dear stalker hat.
I just got almost blinded in a taxi that was full of spotlights. It's the last time I use an acne cab.
I have invented a voice activated car. If you are mute there is an override button starter, it goes without saying.
I asked for a quote from the tailor for a new gusset in my trousers. He could only give me a ball park figure.
Just saw a bloke on a picket line who looked just like me. It was a striking resemblance.
Our local catholic priest complained of an increased heart beat every time he made a sermon. Doctors diagnosed pulpitations.
My Mum and dad were very cold hearted people. I think they were my froster parents.
My vertically challenged mate is an avid diarist and dresses as a dandy at weekends. We call him little Beau Pepys.
My mate has a book which has every known profanity listed. He swears by it.
Our local river crossing was designed by a female German pugilist. It's a box Gerda Bridge.
Russian peasants, when hit across the face by the Russian king, were often Tsar struck for weeks.
Just got back from the UK erectile dysfunction championships. I did well only getting knocked out in the semi's
I sent my mate out for drugs late last night but he cocked up and came back empty handed. He has terrible nocturnal E Missions.
Rumours of marriage between the daughter of Mr. T and Al Fayed's son have been denied. A spokesman for the couple say they are Miss T Fayed.
A single buttock had been found partially buried on Wimbledon Common. Police say the culprit had made a half arsed attempt at burying it.
Hopes of finding a missing demo tape by a popular irish family band are diminishing. A spokesman says it's now a lost Corrs.
I've given up trying to write a book about embroidery techniques of the 15th century as I keep losing my thread.
In Saudi Arabia, the punishment for giving a girl the eye is 40 lashes
Our carrier at work wears his jeans low cut. We call him foggy God because he moves in a misty hairy arsed way.
My mate said I was like Douglas Fairbanks. I thought he saw me as "suave and sophisticated" but he meant I was a thief of bad gags.
If you want to know how long it takes for a famous dead person to decompose there is a new book out called Ooze who?
Roadside Advertising Made Easy by Bill Boards
Bouncing off Walls by Rick O'Shea
Finding your own space by Terry Torial
24 hours from now by Tom Orrow.
A cup full of semen by Jack Potts
The Ex Virgin by Penny Tration
Dribbling at the Mouth by Sally Vates
How to Fade into the Background by Peter Out
A Gift fit for a King by Frank Incence
Feeling Sick by Billy Uss
Indian Tango Moves by Dan Singh
Treating itchy Spots by Callum Mine.
Improve your appearance by Luke Betta.
Decorative Door Surrounds by Archie Trave
Learn the Alphabet by Jayden Kaye
How to fleece a woman by Connor Outofvit
Modes of Transport by Oscar Andtrain
How to reduce staffing Costs by Isaac Emall
How to cut down on Calories by Finlay Spread
The Genius by Noah Lott
Popular Seaside resorts by Leon Sea
How to Mark your Cattle painlessly by Brandon Swift
How to Span a River by Bailey Bridge
How to get Noticed by Luca Titt
Just the Two of Us by Ewan Mee
Looking After baby by Mollie Coddle
Dirty Knickers by Esther ****ten. (This was a real person)
How to improve Breast Posture by Eva Mupp
Labiaplasty by Anita Flap
caught in the Act by Yvonne Urnikas.
Gender Separation by Ian Shee
Too Many Repeats by Ella Nuther
How To Reduce the Jail Population by Frida Prisoner
keeping flies off your rubbish by Lydia Dustbin
How to stop a Ship Sinking by Mandy Pumps
Cross Dressing by Nancy Boyes
The art of Book reading by Paige Turner
Do it Yourself by Ahmed Thiss.
What Can you Buy for Just Over a Penny by Arthur Sixpence
Plain Speaking in Church by Benny Diction.
The Joys of masturbation by Gloria Swank.
Can You Tell what it is Yet by Drew Badly.
Sewage Disposal made easy by Dwayne Pipe.
No to Boycotts by Geoffrey Area
Gym Wear by Leo Tard
Exam Results by Marcus Fairley
Going over the Top by Austin Taycious.
Crease Free Outdoor Wear by Angus McCoatup
Perfect Chips by Crispin Side
How to make a Grave by Doug Aditch
Keeping Allergy Free by Dustin Daley
Crash Helmets by Edgar Ding
On the Toss of a Coin by Edwin Tailslose
Keep your car Safe by Garry Jdoor
How to Turn the Tables as a Matador by Igor Bulls
100 Uses for Puss by lancelot o'Boyles.
How to Stay Alert by Luke Sharpe
Coping with the Menopause by Mahmood Changes
No V.P.L. by Nicholas Bottom
How to Keep the rain Out by Rufus Ahome
The Perfect Cake by Xavier Aslice
My neighbour is using my BT broadband service tonight and I am using his virgin cable. I'm well into this wifi swapping.
I'm addicted to tree felling so the doctor has advised me to cut down a little
Our local school of motoring is offering a crash course. Seems a little pessimistic to me.
Just launched a new group called the flotation devices. I expect them to be the ultimate in buoy bands.
My wife prefers to make love like Sting, by ranting angrily and throwing a hissy fit. Personally I don't care much for this tantrum sex.
Gossip columnists report that Ashley Cole and Anne Diamond are seeing each other after meeting at a carbon dating agency.
I've invented a new lube for carnivores flavoured with bacon. It's spreads really well but tends to go crispy and make the sheets streaky.
My mate just rang and asked me to call round. He is stuck in his wardrobe. I told him to hang in there.
A new undertakers and chip shop has opened locally run by Chinese. They call it R Kelly's. They bereave they can fry.
I heard a Georgie talking about Warsaw. I asked him how he enjoyed Poland but he was actually trying to to find something to cut wood with.
I'm reading a funny book by the bloke who wrote Tess. Its about plants that live for more than two years. It's a Hardy perennial.
My mate takes a hip flask to work. He also takes a trendy lunchbox and designer bicycle clips.
My mate who is hard of hearing, got into hot water when he was asked for a date and took out his next door neighbours cistern.
I have asked a Mafia lawyer to handle my personal injury claim. They offer a no win no feet service.
Staff caught red handed with over £10,000 worth of oxo and bovril cubes said they were only stock taking.
I asked the girlfriend for phone sex this morning but she refused until we are engaged.
I then phoned her asking if there was any chance of a 69 tonight but she said I had the wrong number
When scientists announced the successful growing of a cats foot from foetal tissue, there was a pregnant paws.
My boss just told me he had a great deal for me and handed me my cards.
I've been arrested for farting in a mosque. My solicitor thinks it's a trumped up charge.
I asked my German friend why he thought that the future was looking good and he told me he had a gut feeling.
A dodgy curry meant that Beethoven's sixth symphony had five movements instead of the traditional four
I went on an artificial insemination course at a local farm. I couldn't get the hang of it but next time I'm sure I'll pull it off.
During the war then navy wanted to reintroduce a super sized cat o nine tails to install discipline. A huge backlash prevented it's use.
Went for an interview as a pearl diver yesterday. It went quite well but I'm not holding my breath.
My dyslexic, breast fetish friend has been going to the local church for weeks. He's stopped now I've pointed out it isn't a Baptits Church.
The actor who played Micky Miller in Eastenders has made a short adventure film about the metal clasp on a sandal. It's a real swashbuckler
My dyslexic friend wanted to lose weight but ended up in a cafe where a gay voyeurs club meet called watchwaiters.
My wife bought me a stovepipe hat for my birthday. I've had the flu ever since.
My Dad was furious when I married my girfriend from Seoul. Apparently he actually told me I needed to get a career.
I thought of a great wheeze down at the asthma clinic today.
I love the sensation on my fingertips when I prise the memory card out of my phone. It's the sim pull pleasures that are the best.
With his pay off the ex Chelsea Manager now wants to be known as Andreas Two Villas Boas.
I've written a script set in WW2 about a love affair on a train station between a poultry breeder and a herdsman. I call it beef hen counter
Last time I was in Paris I saw an electicity pylon with loads of naked women draped over it. I had no idea it was the eye full tower.
The doctor told me to write down what I ate to find out why I am constipated. It was a great idea as I can now work it out with a pencil.
Just had some broth made by Norman Cook, Alistair Cook and Roger Cook. It was terrible.
Stayed at a B&B last night and it was full of impersonators of Lisa Minellis ex husband. Bloody Gest Houses.
A meeting of the National Union of Railwaymen was called off at Euston Station when a delegate took the platform.
If you are caught plagiarising a dictionary, the courts throw the book at you.
Our gay neighbour calls his house Tudor Pillars.
What did been sprouts used to be?
My epileptic brittle boned friend went into a stupor whilst playing cards last night but I managed to snap him out of it.
I ordered sea food at a restaurant last night and I was charged protection money before it was served. Bloody Kray Fish.
The first rule of fart club is to never follow through on your threats.
I used to have a job picking up anorexic people when they collapsed but lately work has been thin on the ground.
When I first met my wife, her eyes were like glistening jewels. I completely forgot what I metaphor.
You don't live longer by giving up alcohol, meat, dairy products and sex. It just seems longer.
My mate's mother is Austrian and his Dad Indian. He's a superb classical composer but shuns the limelight. We call him Haydn Sikh.
My Lorry failed it's M.O.T. The police caught me driving it and are taking me to court. Buggers are simply jumping on the banned wagon.
Not only was I amazed to hear of a proposed hosepipe ban I was astounded to learn that prostitutes prefer to use them rather than cigarettes
I just got back from the dentist. He says my teeth are covered in yellowish plaque. I fear my secret fetish of licking war memorials is out.
Before using the services of the ladies in Amsterdam, I like a pint of Directors Bitter. Nothing beats a little Dutch Courage.
Our local school turned down my dads offer to talk about his wartime job as they felt that a spiv wasn't a proper occupation.
My mate was taken to court for selling electricity generated by his own farts. The judge threw it out saying the charges were trumped up.
My cousin Eileen didn't know what Bukkake was until a Dexy's Midnight Runners disc played at a party.
I used to have a loaf of bread on a lead to keep me company but, since I started slicing it I am left with only crumb pets.
I didn't want a starter at the third Reich themed restaurant but I had no choice other than to obey hors d'œuvres.
I thought a stunner in the changing rooms was seducing me with her dress over her head but it seems she was only trying it on.
I thought I had a bargain when offered a nuclear powered watch for £50 but it turned out to be a wind up.
The rumour I have made a mattress filled with millions of stolen Kleenex is a tissue of lies.
acoustic --- pole used to make pigeons sing
Of all the wooden Prime Ministers we have had, the most realistic was Pitt the Elder.
When Eric Morecambe became involved with Luton Town he tried to Bayern Munich.
I'd like an ankle transplant but I can't afford to foot the bill.
American generals in ww2 gradually got more and more aggressive until it was inevitable that a Patton would emerge
I attempted to ask for a 69 in a Bangkok brothel but ended up tongue Thaid.
I had ambitions to be a Formula One ace but I lacked the drive
Lemons are disappearing fast. This tasty fruit is in danger of becoming extinct. Trees are being felled every day. Send £2 to lemon aid now.
Cenotaph -- Brazillian/Welsh racing driver
crudities --- poor taste poems
intersperse --- White Hart Lane follower
In her last book, Enid Blyton had Big Ears slayed. His body resides in a Noddy Holder.
In my opinion circles are absolutely pointless
Poor Gerry McCann. Now he is criticized for storing petrol
I got a job as a baggage handler at Manchester Airport when asked by my tutor to undertake a case study for my course work.
Once you have assassinated one knight of the realm you just cannot stop. It's a vicious sir Cull.
With the price of diesel going up and up Dervla Kirwan must be worth a fortune.
A stoke city player will only meet women in derelict houses. Dilapidated them.
Chris Kamara has a permanent toilet attendant at his house. He's a Kami Kazi Pilot.
I used to enjoy hobnobbing with my wealthy neighbours until I burnt it on a halogen ring.
When I see white spots my mind goes blank then everyone else follows. It's like a domino effect.
I was sure I saw Stuart Goddard in a shop this morning but he was adamant I was wrong.
Canada has made a small Island off the coast a haven for all types of deer. It's called Elkatraz.
I'm doing a stage play of Hitchcocks "the Birds". The crows keep losing plumage but luckily we have plenty of spares ready in the wings.
One of a pair of identical twins has died and left our campanologist group. Luckily he was a dead ringer for his brother who has joined.
There are police at the door and the neighbours after my blood but I can confirm there are at least 47 different ways to skin a cat.
When the Lone Ranger celebrated his Silver wedding, guests were shocked when he took his horse up the aisle.
balderdash --- short sprint for the follically challenged
By night I steal double glazed units from people's windows. It's a panes taking process.
Due to bad health I owe the local herbalist a fortune for herbal remedies. I went to see the G.P. She told me I was living on borrowed Thyme
When my son told me he had a burning ambition to be an arsonist when he left school, I was appalled but now, I am warming to the idea..
I tried phone sex yesterday. At first it was a disaster due to my hang ups but I am now proud to announce we are engaged.
I suppose when the next Apple computer comes out we can expect none stop hype Ads.
I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.
orthopaedic --- writer specialising in stories about the male urinary system
A 6 foot 10 inch chemist described as "arrogant" by his employers lost his claim for unfair dismissal. He was just too big for his Boots
David Milliband's speeches are to be streamed live on the internet but will only be available if you have a boredband connection.
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