Octobers offerings

My dyslexic mate came to our toga party dressed as a goat

I was excited when told I had won a jackpot until I was told it belonged to the bukkake club

I always thought a Wagonwheel was Victoria Beckham on a unicycle

I tried to write a story about a man playing solo pontoon but there were too many twists and turns

I can do a North American Indian accent but it's a little bit Apache

Media? No you dear

Sodding well wet through. last time I go swimming.

A man walks into a bar with a goblin holding on behind him and the anagram expert barman asks him "why the conga elf"?

Life is what you make of it. I have made file.

Marriage: Where a partner knows how to turn lights switches on but not off and their partner exactly the opposite.

I'm off to Bury market this morning not to praise it.

The postman left my new Dyson on the doorstep. I found it covered in bird shit and piss wet through. Nature really does abhor a vacuum

I've just seen a huge fish floating on the water with 6 Austin Allegro's on it. It turned out to be a carp ark.

Wink old wrinkled Freddy Starr. How I wonder what you are.

In the Brinner household, Yul logs were a common sight and smell all year round.

Damn my dyslexia. I thought I got a job as a spy with M.I.5. I was actually selling pies on the M15.

The spottiest, smelliest people in the UK live in or around the Acne marshes.

Late News: Freddy Starr arrested for making a bad impression on young kids.

I'm not up with modern technology. I thought an MP3 player was the left back for the house of commons football team.

Amstrad are behind a string of new clubs where wealthy, elderly men can take their young female consorts. They call them Sugar Daddies.

My mate poured a tin of custard into the doorway of his local chemist when asked to act out Puss in Boots.

I just saw two married bees bare their backsides in the hive. They were honeymooning.

My new stereo system came with two 6 foot 6 Town Criers. I should have been more specific when I asked for huge loudspeakers.

I have a German friend called Gunther but I never let anyone hold him to my head.

If you don't pluck the duck before you eat it, there is every chance you will feel down in the dumps.

2G, 3G and now 4G. My internet connection is so slow it would be faster to send data by GG

A lactating woman at the door was not what I was expecting when I opted for milk from Express Dairies.

A mixed up atheist may eat shit.

I've been set a challenge to make an airtight sweat shirt but I can't see any way I can pull it off.

My mate and his wife have just been dismissed by the Leith Police.

My mate wanted to be an army chaplain. He had the bowler, walking stick and moustache but could never get the funny walk right

I keep dreaming that I am a successful kleptomaniac and I don't wake up despite pinching myself.

People say I am narcissistic just because I take a full length mirror with me and ride alone on the tunnel of love.

I could put up with Claire Richards,Lisa Scott-Lee and Fay Tozer but Ian H Watkins was a step too far

Referees have been instructed that when asthmatic players foul an opponent, it is not permissible to go wheezy on them.

I keep ours heating bills lower by not switching it on and keeping the bills in the bottom drawer.

I understand that the original paintings of the kids programme "The Herbs" were done with a Basil Brush.

All my clocks went back last night. I couldn't keep up with the payments.

Q. What do you call a young, upwardly mobile person, high on life, trying to get her horse to move forward. A. A giddy yuppie. Cheers.

I gave my Japanese pal an Argos catalogue when he said he wanted to buy a blender, I had no idea he was looking for an escort for the night.

The actor who used to spend the most time pondering his lines was Arthur Mull Hard.

My mate, Paddy O'Doyle who had chronic insomnia has just died. The O'Doyle family didn't seem to see the irony in having a wake for him.

Just made up a joke about a novelty toy pulled by two people at Christmas. It's a cracker.

My neighbour calls her cat Potato. I think she intends having it chipped.

The local Tourettes sufferers club has been licensed to sell wines and spirits and has opened a fuck off license.

I was looking for a new angle in retail shopping so I opened a corner shop.

I entered a cartoon competition and won first prize for my landscape of Sunderland.

Keeping water stored behind a wall. You're damned if you do and Damned if you don't.

Just looked in the window of our local funeral services shop and saw a coffin to die for.

Police have raided a slimming club for the obese. False readings are recorded to increase fees. Police say it took place on a huge scale.

My wife is going to Mount Kilimanjaro. I am shocked. I had no idea she even had a Japanese lover.

After the attack at Hillsborough the EDLand BNP have launched a "kick football out of racism" campaign saying It sickens racists everywhere

The local farmer has just crashed his combined harvester into the barbed wire fence whilst cutting the field. Everything has gone hay wire

My mate is so romantic, he turns off the lights, cooks a candlelit dinner for two and plays a Barry White c.d. every time he masturbates.

I couldn't understand why I was sacked from the Royal Mint. Then the penny dropped.

Disappointed when I heard a story about Bob-sleighing was on the Beeb but it involved no union leaders.

The annual conference of Tourettes sufferers will take place tomorrow in the Cornwall resort of Foulmouth.

O.K Ageism I can cope with but beejism is a whole new ball game.

Just written a play, a Scottish tragedy about a Dutch religious sect member who joins the police. I called it Amish Macbeth.

The faster than light race departed and I went into waters uncharted, How really absurd, I only came third but finished before I had started

It was staring us in the face all the time. Jimmy Saville paedophile is an anagram of Jimmy Saville paedophile.

Objects one tenth the size of a pinhead can be seen with the naked eye. Objects as big as Everest cannot be seen with the clothed eye.

Marriage eh! Got into bed last night, kissed the mrs on the cheek, looked at her naked body and said, "I remember when this was all feels"

Just passed a junction with a notice saying there were 52 deaths there last year. It's a worrying sign.

When was Africa's best drought? We only hear about the worst ones.

To err is human, to im is histrionics.

If all the MP's at Westminster were laid end to end from Westminster going north, there would be a line of MP's from Westminster going north

My studies into the bottom shapes of fairies, goblins and elves is now at an impasse.

One of my favourite authors writes stories about a long distance lorry driver set in the future. Check out H.G.V Wells on Amazon.

The world diarrhoea championships are very exciting this year. It's end to end stuff.

I know a dyslexic record store owner with attention deficit disorder who loves Angus Young. He suffers from hdad dc ccad

I opened an account with a branch of the bank of China yesterday. Half an hour later I felt the need to go and open another one.

Whilst I agree that Rowling's Harry Potter works were very entertaining I still think that J.K's best work was done with Jamiroquai

Hypnotists rarely go to auctions as they get someone else to do their bidding.

My mate is such a raving atheist he has changed his name from Christian to Godfree.

A woman whose children died in a bath filled with a popular orange fizzy drink, apple juice and alcohol has been charged with in fanta cider