Stress

I went for my six weekly scalping today and the barber, who is a couple of years younger than me, advised me he was having a camera up the bung hole next week as he has a number of symptoms of bowel cancer. He was somewhat worried about it, even to the point that he was concerned he might not be able to keep the liquid down that has to been consumed to clear the bowel out first.

I was able to reassure him that the liquid, whilst not the best drink in the world, is not that bad, and the camera is neither painful nor embarrassing. After this, he asked my about my experience of cancer and how I coped with the diagnosis and subsequent treatment and recovery. He found it difficult to understand, as have many people, that I never have stressed over it at all. I can honestly say it didn't bother me. I didn't want it, but I had it so, tough titty so to speak. I thought about death, but made that a positive as at least I'd have a good sleep for a change. I am not being facetious.

I have written on twitter before about a visit to see my Dad just before the operation. I had just bought new shoes. "Was there any point in you buying new shoes?" he asked. I laughed. My wife didn't. She was appalled but that is the way we are in our family. I never had one sleepless night because of the illness. In some ways, having my mortality thrust in front of me was liberating. It is far worse in reality for the survivors than the departed. They have to cope with the loss of the loved one every day, regardless of age and circumstances. As a none believer, to me, it's just switching the light off. How can you miss anyone after you are dead? In my world, you cannot.

The standard remark at funerals is always "Is there any point in you going home?" My Dad said this to each succeeding brother as they inherited the mantle of oldest still alive. He is 91 next week. At last weeks funeral, three of us made the remark to him. "At least it's bloody warm in there" he replied.

I don't want to die, not yet anyway. I'd like to see the girls grow up and make a success of life. I may feel differently had I only been 30 but, even at a fairly young 60, I could hardly complain if it all came to an end. There are so many worse off.

Meanwhile, six months later.

I had my PSA levels checked this week and attended the clinic in Leeds this morning. I was expecting to see the consultant but I saw the willy nurse instead. I always assumed the nurse that dealt with erectile issues would be some gorgeous, stocking wearing, peep hole bra clad nurse but no. She was a lovely woman but quite obviously someone's Mum.

Today I found out that the arteries in the willy are the second smallest in the body. The gums have the smallest. I found out that they run in clumps either side of the willy and it is they that engorge with blood when you see a pork pie (that's an old joke) or a cream bun. I found out that Cialis is prescribed after prostate surgery because it has a longer half life than all the other generic drugs. I now know what a half life is too. Although I had one of the two sets of nerves removed during the op, the reason why recovery takes so long is due to the surviving nerves being badly bruised. She likened it to squatting on the floor for half a day then expecting your legs to work when you stand up. It actually made sense to me. During the op the nerves are held back from the surgery site by metal clamps. Sometimes they do not recover at all.

The usual recovery tie is two years, if it happens at all. I am happy that I am ahead of this timeline but I now have to use a device to ensure that the arteries don't atrophy until something like normal function returns. Jan and I kept giving each other amused glances as she talked. I cannot imagine using the device. It isn't even good looking. They could have at least made it smell like a Cadburys whole nut or a kit kat to make me want it. Imagine having a blow job off Anne Widdicombe after she'd lived with Bobby Brown for a couple of years and you'll get the picture.

So, a new chapter begins. It will be interesting. I think I'll only use it at home as a policeman shining his torch through the car window whilst your heaving away on a stirrup pump doesn't hold much attraction. Dogging is out all together. I'll keep you posted.


p.s. My PSA level was 0.01, about as low as you can get. Only four and a half years to go to be officially cured.

Waiting

I wonder if everyone else seems to spend most of their waking hours just waiting.

For the last five years or so, as I look back, it seems to be all I have done. This waiting game has now reached a crescendo as I wait for others to come back to me with a decision which will change the course of my working life and subsequent overdue retirement. If it goes as I hope, I will, hopefully, be in a position to retire in a couple of years (unfortunately 44 years after I hoped to originally retire) whereas without it, I have little chance for another ten years or so which will see me well into senile territory. It all depends on other peoples decisions and when they get round to making up their minds.

Add to that the last few years health wise, where I seem to have done nothing but wait around for results of tests and you will see that waiting has become my actual occupation. I have to wait till Friday to get the result of my PSA test today. I am very confident it will be good news but I have to wait and see. Right now, I am writing this, as I am waiting for the carriers to come to take away today's orders. I can lock up and go home then but, until they arrive, I have to wait and keep myself amused.

So. I assume you are all waiting for stuff to happen too. I hope you don't have to wait too long and, when it happens, it is worth the wait. I hate that bloody word.

I haven't been saving my crappy one liners for a while but decided to copy the December and January tweets as that's as far as Twitter will let me go back.

 

Hope you stay awake till the end.

People tell me I have a huge problem when people ignore me but I disagree and tell them it is only a slight problem.

I'm not sure what type of artificial limb I will be getting following my accident but plans are afoot.

Necrophiliacs are dead annoying

When it comes to being knocked down in a boxing ring, you can count me out.

My mate asked me how he could improve his snooker cue action so I gave him some tips.

dietician --- dreadful attempt to copy Italian painting style

In my early 50's I developed an unhealthy interest in women who delivered babies. A psychiatrist dismissed it as a midwife crisis.

bespoke --- The buzz word

Michael Hutchence is the perfect example of what happens if you drink inxs

Just got the playing order for the world IVF tennis tournament and disappointed I am not one of the seeds.

Just been to the cinema to watch a sad and very poignant film about a French onion seller. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Just left my job at the local nuclear plant and they have kindly given me some glowing references

Just come up with a solution to open manholes. It's a grate idea

Just been appointed chief designer for an Australian trouser manufacturer. The directors believe together we will make great strides.

I'd like to convert the roofspace in our house into a room.. I have always had lofty ambitions

I asked my fellow domino players what was the use of a piece with no dots on it but they all gave me blank looks.

I argued with a mate about the route sewage in Grimsby takes to the sea. It's not resolved but I suppose it'll all come out in the wash.

Women with loose hanging hair. Get a grip.

I was an early favourite for the running in a straight line marathon but following an injury I have ruled myself out.

Just read a fantastic novel written by an ex Pickfords employee. It was a moving story.

I got a part in a film playing myself but I have to wear an outrageous cod piece in a scene. I hate making cameo appearances.

The Gyspy fortune teller was not happy to receive a face full of horse shit when she asked the lone ranger to cross her palm with Silver.

Thieves have stolen a huge quantity of sand, cement and gravel from a Halifax Merchants. Police hope to soon have concrete evidence turn up.

I'm starting a septic tank appreciation society. All members must be able to mind their own business.

I can't help thinking that Jude Law would have been very unpopular in Nazi Germany.

I just bought a plasma TV. It has to have a blood transfusion every week or the picture fades.

 

My partners at our gusset makers are insisting on thinner material being used. We used to be in harmony but the cracks are beginning to show

Playing cards down at the osteoporosis day care centre brings a whole new meaning to a game of snap.

The siege at the worsted trouser makers in Wolverhampton is largely over although police are still encountering pockets of resistance.

I've always wanted to buy a duck feather duvet but I can't even afford the down payment.

I'm writing an expose about a an American rock band who wore ridiculous face paint and a Swiss hero cross bow user. It'll be a kiss and Tell

 

As a Tourettes sufferer with a weak bladder, I have to constantly mind my Pees and queues.

I hated it when I worked at a dried fruit processors. Everyone kept asking me for dates.

Just waiting to hear from the patents office to register my new design for an abacus. I'm counting on it being a success.

I love my wife's right leg. I also love her left leg but since she had a hysterectomy I haven't been able choose between them

My partner continually fantasises about having sex with a Welshman. I'm beginning to wonder is she could be Dai curious.

I prefer to make love to my adorable Betty by taking her in the conifers and also in the privet. I love to hedge my Bets.

 

I'm chasing a reward to find the killers who used coconut chocolate bars to choke their victims. There is a bounty on their heads.

I asked a girl in the red light area whether she was "doing business". Yes she replied and asked me for a toilet roll and a plastic bag.

We have a local second hand shop run by a woman who shows her breasts for any bits of old rubbish you bring in. She calls it Tit for Tat

Our local PTA asked for volunteers using beach hand puppets to explain masturbation to kids. I complained vehemently and pulled no punches.

When I was born, My Dad wanted to call me after his dad but my mother refused saying Afterhisdad was a silly name..

Every time I walk the dog, other owners copy her style. She's a real trend Setter.

Asked, at a press conference, whether he would be giving answers, Chief Constable Grimes replied "Without Question"

Kent police say that 24 cross ply and radials were stolen from the forces car wheels yesterday. They will work tryelessly to catch the thief

Vegetarians are such hypocrites. They won't eat dead flesh yet continually eat meals with pulses.

I keep refusing surgery at the local hospital and they want to cancel future procedures. I objected as I want to keep all op shuns open.

My mate wants me to put money into a new design of kite he has developed but I can't help thinking he is just stringing me along.

Had a number two. On my head. From the barber. Fortunately he is not on twitter and didn't misunderstand me.

I just got the contract to clean and maintain the Mills industrial chimney. I intend to bring about sweeping changes.

Should I buy shares in or take a partnership out with a playground equipment manufacturers? My advisor says it's swings and roundabouts

prostrate ----- price charged by ex formua one driver for lectures

My mate was determined to take up square dancing but I managed to talk him round.

My long service present from my employer, a maker of plumbing tools for giants, echoed my feelings on retiring. It was a huge wrench.

Nicolas Sarkozy is to form a French version of the U.S. Tea party at the next election. He will run Teacosy party

Whilst in Austria I asked, in my best German, for "Ein Zimmer bitte". They gave me two walking sticks and a disabled parking sticker.

X Factors Tulisa is to join the BBC as the long overdue replacement for animal impersonator Percy Edwards. The BBC are using her for NDubz.

When it comes to growing top quality, award winning mushrooms, the French are the champignons.

The cravat manufacturers I invested in are losing money fast so I have decided to sever all ties

One rarely sees Germans in groups of four. They seem to live in vier of it.

People with husky voices are excellent at barking out orders

I forgot to buy the kids fireworks for New Year but, after explaining the situation to them, they let me off.

The journey was made exciting when an escaped convict ran down the aisle of the plane. It later turned out to be the in flight entertainment

We stayed in an Austrian castle whilst on holiday. Beer was cheap so we were Schlossed for the whole week.

Austrian butchers have brought out a sausage made from seabird meat. It's a tern for the wurst.

VW have brought out a car that can only be paid for by money donated to charity. They are calling it the Volkswagen Passat Round.

My mate works in the local sewage plant. When people ask him what he does for a living he tells them he is in between jobs.

Read the amazing biography by a Jewish priest who composed beautiful poetry after being badly scarred in a fire. He's called Rabbi Burns

Anyone who didn't understand my earlier tweet about melted butter, please d.m. me and I'll clarify it for you

Just signed a contract with the Chinese to import pressed wild flowers. The whole venture is now cut and dried.

Apparently, football playing ants never progress beyond grass roots level

My wife forgot to attend her slimming world class today. She is simply wasting a weigh.

The National Truss society is appealing for unused appliances to send to Africa. I am lending my support.

In medieval times. people sentenced to a spell in the stocks always looked for the eggs hit signs as they were locked in.

A group of little shits have formed a Steve Marriot tribute group. They call themselves the Small Faeces.

Nissan have brought out a new car aimed at the nostalgia market and expect sales to go with a bang. The Nissan Hut is launched in February.

I always find my shed is a good place to keep my inhibitions.

Listening to Ossie Ardiles speaking is like someone taking the piss out of Ossie Ardiles speaking.

Our fullback got sent off for urinating against the upright. He misunderstood being told to mark the post.

The vet just told me about an amazing article describing the treatment given to a very poorly dog. He couldn't put it down.

Just went out for lunch with a manager from Dow Jones. She spent all the mealtime trying to play F.T.S.E. with me.

I can't remember what the order, the instructions given to me by the chemist to stop my scalp itching are so I'm starting again from scratch

Police have advised the public not to approach a mental patient who grafted limbs of dead people onto his shoulders, as he is heavily armed.

Disgusted at ASDA. I took a scarf back today, as it was too tight and they refused to change it.

I can't decide whether to give up work and become a full time writer. It looks a good choice on paper.

I wanted to join a monastery of devout individual praying monks but they told me I had no chants.

My mate is a useless burglar. Even after a ten mile run he couldn't even break into a sweat.

My clock would only tick after I spilt a gin and tonic on it. It's now undergoing detox.

In 1692 Purcell wrote "The Fairy-Queen" widely regarded as being the first soap opera.

I have reported the local hospital A and E department for racism. The middle of my leg has gone black and they say it is a knee growth.

Just bought a camera with a zoom lens and I can't catch the bloody thing.

The client didn't like my portrait of him saying there was too much light on his face. He was happy however, once I drew the curtains.

I invented a truth serum that I thought would be a winner but it turned out to have underlying problems.

What's the difference between a little Dickie bird and Always Ultra super absorbent pads? One flaps its wings, the other wings its flaps.

My attempts to find a suitable sexual partner are meeting with mounting opposition

Just checked out http://www.optrex.com. It really is a site for sore eyes.

Q) What famous musician and composer went on strike in the 1980's opposing Thatcher and supporting Scargill? A) My Coal Field

n a pub quiz I couldn't think of a single poet ending with the letters w o r t h. When I saw the answer I was totally lost for words

shellfish, crabs, crayfish, sea anemones, starfish, and snails are all bottom feeders so make sure you only ever paddle up to your knees

Someone in the office just laced the Chairman's tea with liquid laughing gas. It's caused a real brouhaha

Barbers are now selling self inflating condoms for men who want something for the weak end

Our local brothel has a room for ladies with weak pelvic floors. Due to the discount prices the girls are known locally as the tenner ladies

My mate became a priest and was court martialled whilst serving on a submarine under the North Pole. He was accused of in sub ordination

I just read an article about an androgynous man with mood swings who reached the north and south poles . He was the first bipolar explorer.

Strategy in tiddleywinks is all counter attack.

Police refuse to say how a man, found dead with a book in his hand on railway track, died. I think it was suicide, reading between the lines

My mate played a Venetian Blinds salesman in a local play and was so good he took twelve curtain calls

My mate took six weeks off work saying he had been kicked by a cow. Personally I think he was milking it.

Is bootleg alcohol brewed from socks and sweaty feet?

I've written a silent Christmas play about a pair of knickers. It's the first ever pantymime

Just slipped on an onion soaked in vinegar. I can't get up. I'm in a real pickle.

 

I just won first prize in the long distance yodelling championships. It's a far cry from my previous challenges.

I get turned on by tragedy. Friends are horrified that one day I will come to grief.

I'm thinking of calling my new low key bucket shop enterprise "pails into insignificance"

My Uncle wants to leave his estate to me whilst my Aunt wants to leave it to my sister. I have no idea who is winning this battle of wills.

Until my operation I thought scar tissue was something you wiped up with after wanking over a poster of the Specials.

I just got a copy of the magnificent seven, with Brinner's photo on the sleeve, covered in Chocolate Cake. It was the Yule log version.

I've written a film script set in WW2 about a short love affair between poultry breeders in a station. It's called brief hen counter

Gardeners at stately homes are into haughty culture

The British womens menopausal 4 x 400mtr relay team are having difficulty in training going through the change.

Apparently, due to a poor breeding season, Petrel prices are soaring this winter

Police were tipped off about an illegal defecation contest but the raid was unsuccessful as the contestants had already scattered.

There has been a break in by activists at the Bic Biro plant. Police advise things are under control and the rioters are penned in

Although knighted, I had little confidence in my surgeon Sir Gerry Newbie

My ailing car breakdown "get you home" service is on the road to recovery.

We play a version of knock out whist where every time you lose a hand you eat a can of baked beans. There are no trumps allowed in the game.

Just been prescribed some new tablets made by the Testament Drugs Co. No idea if they are any good but apparently Moses swore by them.

A brothel has opened using only dwarves for the clients. Business is booming as there is plenty of action but no small talk.

After flattening my arm in a metal press, staff at the hospital were pleased at my recovery, giving me a big hand when I left

I'd love to wear a toupee but I'm afraid to let my hair down

All the hours are really great in my opinion but, at the end of the day, it has to be midnight.

My neighbour is an angry, epileptic, dyslexic and is always shaking his fits at me

Eczema, Impetigo, dermatitis, Psoriasis and ringworm. I'd like to make it plain I am not responsible for these or any other rash statements.

Never get into an argument with an aggressive gay man. They don't tend to mince their words.

I've entered a dance competition where a woman I fancy is competing. With a bit of luck I'll have her knickers in a twist.

The mystery behind the composition of Bolero is beginning to unravel

Competition at the World pepper Milling championships was tough but I managed to grind out a result.

I watched the Tinker tailor film all about a plant in Mi5. Bloody daft it was. It was obviously the aspidistra in reception.

I couldn't think of a word for less soft. My teacher told me I must try harder

Don't eat fish and chips out of the Liverpool echo or they will keep repeating on you.

I've written a love story about two computer engineers who meet whilst installing new memory. It'll make a great ramcom for the telly.

Tight arsed neighbour just borrowed, flour, eggs, sugar and butter from us.I think she is making a sponge cake.

I entered the world ignoring people championships. It was disappointing how I was judged. I lost by ten points. I lacked a ten shun.

I understand that gay men are hopeless at practical jokes as they are unable to keep a straight face.

I've pitched a game to Channel 4. 15 identical boxes hold parts of female chefs and their names are guessed. It's called Delia or no Delia.

I'm opening a nautical themed dog grooming service specialising in wrinkly, short-muzzled faced dogs. I'm calling it Captain Pug Washes.

Even when my mate surprised us all by announcing he was gay, I refused to turn my back on him.

Illness forced me to miss both the Monte Carlo and Dakar events this year but I'm pleased to say the other drivers rallied round.

My mate is always asking pungent satirical questions. He has no apparent boundaries to his nastiness so we call him the the barbed whyer

For sale: Stamp Album. Seller Collects

Never play eyes pie with a cannibal.

Just got a photo of the Ipswich manager having a pint with a blonde in a pub. As a press photographer, for me it's the Jewell in the Crown

A local landlord refuses to rent to thin and bony tenants. I challenged him on the issue and threw down the gaunt let.

Viagra was a revolution in treating erectile dysfunction but testicle transplants are a whole new ball game.

I've just backed out of a course aimed to improve my reversing skills when driving.

Just read that pornography on the internet is going to be banned. What is the world coming too?

The bloke who raises the flag on the town hall pole is over seven foot tall. He sets really high standards.

I think my wife has trimmed her lady garden as her knickers are soiled.

My wife wanted to call our first kid Neil but I knew he wouldn't stand for it when he got older.

My mate was killed when he got trapped in an automatic door. It's his funeral today and hopefully we will all then have closure.

I thought Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells was over 5 hours long until I realised I had tinnitus

Just fell out with my partner over the content of our new dictionary. We had words.