First Attempt at One Liners

All my own work. I can't say they are all original as sometimes great minds think alike. I will add to them hopefully as they occur to me.

This was my first attempt. it's not much good but it was a start.

My wife is so straight laced she won't even eat blue cheese.

Judge for yourself if they improve as they go along. I think it's fair to say, they don't get worse.

I just had the knock on the door but instead of being offered a watchtower I was given a loaf of bread. Turned out to be a Jehovis witness.

My mrs.brought home 30 knickerbocker glories! I'll never eat those in a month of sundaes!

I'm hoping to make a mint from my Vapona stockpile now Libya is a no fly zone.

Last night the waiter offered the menu a la carte. I insisted on sitting at the table.

A local Nun I know often dresses up as a priest. It's her alter ego

Strangely enough my neighbour's keeping me awake at night digging a hole in the garden. I think it's a plot to kill me too.

Just read that there is enough sodium chloride in shop bought sandwiches to overdose you. I must say I take this stuff with a pinch of salt

I'm not feeling myself today. My Mrs. stitched the holes in my trouser pockets.

I've entered the world hotdog eating championships for the fifth year in a row. It's an event I look forward to with relish.

The immigration backlog is a huge problem. It's bedlam for asylum seekers.

When the doctor told me I needed a partial lobotomy I really gave her a piece of my mind.

Spent all night tossing and turning. Masturbating whilst driving through the dales wasn't my best idea.

I was rushed in hospital unconscious after eating a box of Thorntons Magic Moments and drinking a bottle of champagne. I was in a Perry Coma

Just reading my "Treating Prostate Cancer" pamphlet. No mentions of a trip to Longleat or the cinema so far.


Bloody doctor said I've to have an M.R.I. scan next week if they can fit me in. Just how bloody narrow are those machines?

Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy

My shiite neighbour has had enough and moved to the Sunni side of the street.

We have a new musical director at our campanology group. He's really beginning to ring the changes.

Several antelope were killed in a lightening storm yesterday in the Kruger National park. That's the end of the Gnu's.

I gambled with a neighbour that my conifers would outgrow his privet bushes. I always like to hedge my bets.

A mate of mine made a fortune frying spam in batter on a stall but he eventually frittered it away.

My agent just got me the lead role in a new film. The "Dog Walker" starts production in the summer.

Those brave workers at the Fukishama Nuclear plant will be able to walk into a job anywhere especially with such glowing references.

I had a bible basher gesticulating at the door yesterday. Damned silent witness.

I tripped backwards and sat on an abacus which impaled itself up my arse. Doctors are counting on me making a speedy recovery.

I was feeling down and went to the doctors and asked for something to give me a lift. I love my new platform shoes.

I fell out with my neighbour over a boundary wall dispute but lately we've begun to mend fences.

The National Town Cryer championships have been judged. It's all over bar the shouting.

I just won first prize in the long distance yodelling championships. It's a far cry from my previous challenges.

got a job sweeping the floors at Eon this week. At last I'm working in the corridors of power.

I hate admitting to my wife about my speeding fines. I just don't have the courage of my own convictions.

Ignorance is bliss. I am deliriously happy.

The local laundry burnt down but they can still press my clothes as they have plenty of irons in the fire.

The training at the local pepper grinding factory was intense. They really put me through the mill.

I got really pissed off with my trigonometry teacher. He kept going off at a tangent.

The local brothel have a great invoicing system. You get a blow by blow account.

Competition at the annual anagram competition was fierce. I couldn't get a word in edgeways.

My uncle was was a reformed alcoholic dreyman but he kept falling off the wagon

My mates had a real stroke of luck. He had an aneurism when he won the lottery.

Competition in the annual 13 amp plug assembly championships is hotting up and the final is expected to go right down to the wire.

I managed to buy my way into the guild of Blacksmiths by forging my signature on the application.

My brother thinks my shirt sleeves are too long. I'm sick of his off the cuff remarks.

Bloody pervert gynaecologist. He's always cherry picking his patients.

Damned Gypsy selling at the door again told me she'd put a curse on me. I'll take her down a peg or two.

Just got a job at the common cold research centre. Good benefits and pay's not to be sneezed at either.

My sister Danuta in Warsaw can't get on with my brother Carl in Gdansk. They are simply poles apart.

Bloody colostomy bags. Always taking the piss.

I tried to leave the Russian Roulette club but the members held a gun to my head.

I hoped to leave my apprenticeship as a cooper, but my employers had me over a barrel.

Kilroy is dead. I suppose the writing was on the wall.

I'll have to start growing my own herbs. I can't go on living on borrowed thyme.

My mate got mugged whilst jogging last night but the thief did a runner.

My toilet seat just broke but fortunately I fell between two stools.

My photograph album has been stolen. Police say there is no-one n the frame at the moment.

I'd love to have a go at glass blowing but I lack the bottle to do it

My wife says she wants a ringside seat next time I have a prostate biopsy. I'd prefer she looked me in the face personally.

I'm feeling like I've just felated a duck. Down in the mouth.

Been bidding on ebay for shadows memorabilia and hope to get the contents of their stage wardrobe. It's a real Cliff Hanger.

Just finished my new film "The life of a tow ball". Anyone any ideas on a decent trailer?

A defendant with a bad stutter was freed from court with a fine today as the judge realised he was unlikely to complete a full sentence.

Never play cards with amputees. I lost and had to throw my hand in

Someone just wrote gnab on our coffee machine. I think it's bang out of order.

 I caught a kid stealing a copy of Animal Farm from our local library yesterday. Police are going to throw the book at him.

Apple have introduced an application for people who live sheltered lives called the iopener.

Got stopped on the A650 today by a man brandishing pistols. I had no idea it was a duel carriageway.

I got the runs whilst love making last night. I didn't know if I was coming or going.

I couldn't remember what the break of day was called when suddenly it dawned on me.

I've invented a safe disguised as a washing machine for money launderers.

In view of the semi finalists I think the F.A cup should be re-branded the sweet F.A Cup.

I got a job in tele sales selling fridges and freezers but got nowhere as I was useless at cold calling.

Police have refused to investigate the theft of sand, cement and gravel from my garden as I have no concrete evidence to offer.

I once tried to have oral in the shower but the mrs. kept blowing hot and cold.

I was desperate to get up early this morning and repair the pavement outside the house but the mrs insisted I kerb my enthusiasm

My dad talks crap constantly. I'm sure he has irritable vowel syndrome

N.A.S.A have introduced a cheaper rocket using coal extract. The space scuttle has its maiden launch next week.

Had a great time at the Alzheimers get together. It really was a night to remember.

My wife got such a sore throat from shouting at her dumb mare she's now become a hoarse whisperer.

On my wedding night we were both virgins but I was amazed when I was done for breaking and entering.

My computer is now dressed in dark glasses a hat and a plain mac. Wish I'd never downloaded that bloody spywear.

My mate, a keen angler, called his first born son Rod. He liked his name but sister Annette was not so happy.

Just admiring my paintings of famous British murderers. Can't decide whether to hang them or not.

I can't afford to queue at the fishmongers any more as, every time I stop to talk to someone, I seem to lose my plaice.

I've just realised that the sound of bells ringing in my ears is being caused by the skin peeling.

My publisher said my sentences are too short so in the next story I will be pulling out all the stops.

Got to the semi final of the water boiling championships and the competition is really hotting up.

My Granddaughter asked me where poo came from. After an hour explaining the workings of the digestive system she then enquired about Tigger

I'm thinking of calling my new low key bucket shop enterprise "pails into insignificance"

Thai curries make me hot under the collar.

I failed my locomotive driver written exam after continually losing my train of thought.

I sued my local laundry owner when he covered me in mud driving through a puddle. I really took him to the cleaners.

News Flash. Botox hits the headlines

The only job our local newspaper vendor could get was carrying a placard advertising a Murdoch publication. It's a sign of the times.


Thought I'd bought a great sex manual today called "learn to love" but it tuned out to be a volume of the Oxford English Dictionary

Sick to death of may mate boasting about his new radical design for a surgical boot so I had to tell him to put a sock in it.

Dog just crapped on my black and decker workmate. It's a real benchmark in his foul habits.


I swallowed a spoon yesterday and now I can feel a stirring in my bowels.

I just got praised by someone slapping me with an after eight. it was a real back handed complimint.
I was admiring my image in Madame Tussauds when one of the Beverley sisters stood next to me. As you can imagine, I was beside myself with joy

A mad axeman has been prowling the corridors of our local hospital. Luckily police have been able to ward him off.

I get a terrible craving for food every time I see a painting of "the scream". It gives me a bad attack of the Munch's

In 18th century France, anyone with writers block faced the quillotine.

The doctor ejected me from her surgery this morning telling me I am a total hypochondriac. I have no complaints.

My father had a lifelong obsession with studying the effects of magnetism. Personally, I simply couldn't see what the attraction was.

Walking along the Seine I heard a voice shouting "M'aide, M'aide. I have no idea if someone was in trouble or whether it was a cry for help.

The Kids have suggested I try a clinic in Switzerland they've heard about. Some new treatment apparently where you are pelted with eggs, I am assuming, as it's called eggs hit or something. I am assured that once you begin treatment there's no going back.

My neighbour is a coldstream guardsman and a real smart arse. I keep telling him to get off his high horse.


I've given my wife the task of cleaning out our septic tank but I can see from here she is only going through the motions.

I'm studying philosophy, and sculpting in wood in the hope that one day I may be able to carve out a Nietzsche for myself.

I was going to turn down the offer of a transplant until I had a change of heart

My mate and I have given up arguing about hosting farting competitions after having serious, clear the air, talks.

I get turned on by tragedy. Friends are horrified that one day I will come to grief.

Why sob silently? use a megaphone for crying out loud!

Communism was never going to work. All it consisted of was a ridiculous amount of off the cuff re Marx.

Yesterday the consultant asked me if I had difficulty passing water. I said no. He handed me a bottle of evian and asked me to pass it to the receptionist on the way out.

Janet wants me to build a fence on Blackpool beach to give the working animals a safe rest place . Buggered if I'm doing all the donkey work


I named my German Shepherd bugger off. Every time I call him he runs away. I suppose it serves me right. Still, give a dog a bad name.

Since it rained, the snails in our garden now seem less sluggish.

We camped for the night at 28,000 ft when climbing Everest but next morning I was alone. The rest of the party had disappeared into thin air

I was wealthy in the days when I used to wear flamboyant, wide, flared trousers but now I have to admit being in dire straights.

My mate hired the Royal Scots Dragoons to play at his wedding. *******s wouldn't take any requests for tunes from anyone but him.

I'm going orienteering today. I hope my hesitant nature won't get me into trouble and I end up getting lost.

My neighbour is a manic depressive and has just asked me for the third length of rope in three days. Do you think he has a purpose in mind?

Our local laundry is having an open day with free use of machines. I can't decide whether to take my dirty linen down or not. Any advice?


We have a broody hen. There are twelve eggs under her so that's twelve cute chickens to look forward to.

I decided to remove the eggs but there were too many for the basket and it broke smashing them all. There should be a warning on them.

Grandma's on her way over. She says she has a use for the eggs. I have lots of ideas to tell her too. can't wait.

My neighbour is French. He sat on a baguette last night and ever since he has been racked with pain.

I bought a new dog. It's hard work training it. It just gives up without trying. I'm thinking of calling it quits.

I want to buy some of those antennae things that ants have. Could someone put out feelers for me please?

I lost my job as a newsagent when the the union came in and operated a closed shop agreement.

As an amputee I lost my job modelling gloves as I was accused of being light fingered.


I lost my position as a toilet attendant for continually sitting down on the job

I lost my job as a brass rubber as all my efforts disappeared without a trace

I lost my job as an air bed attendant for continually letting people down

My business selling herbs on the local beach failed as Thyme and Tide wait for no man.


Frisbee --- Afro American hair stlyled buzzy insect.


I lost my job in the "Hole in a Dyke Company" as I refused to get my finger out.

I lost my job as a barman for standing a round

I lost my job in senior management at the Yale Lock Company as I was no longer considered a key employee.

I lost my job as a pun writer. I don't know why

I lost my job as a super injunction server as I couldn't find enough gigs.

I lost my job in the origami factory when the Company folded

I lost my job as bass player in a Jimi Hendrix tribute band as I didn't have enough experience.

I lost my job as an actor as I kept talking out of turn.

I had to give up one of my part time jobs putting fillings into pastries as I had my finger in too many pies.

I was far too suspicious as an actor and lost my job for reading between the lines

I lost my job as a patio fitter as I was always flagging badly.

I lost my job as a tyre inflator as I couldn't stand the pressure

I lost my job as resident eunuch in the harem as I hadn't got the balls for the job.

I lost my job as a fireman for having ideas above my station

I lost my job as a genealogist when my employers found out about my past


pigsty -------- part of the metropolitan police uniform

I lost my job making oxo cubes when the stock market crashed

I lost my job as a yoghurt maker as I lacked culture.

I got fired as a transplant surgeon when I lost heart.

I lost my job as astrologer to the Russian King as I couldn't read his Tsar sign

I lost my job making lcd screens when management began monitoring my progress

I lost my job making colostomy bags for taking the piss out of the customers

Since I lost my job as an architect I've begun making plans.

My idea for a new type of truss failed due to lack of support.

Big Mistake! Never tell the barber you want to "mull it over" when he asks what style you want.

I lost my job doing penis transplants as I gave everyone the willies

I couldn't understand why I was sacked from the Royal Mint. Then the penny dropped.

A good friend of mine started out designing patios and it eventually paved the way to making him very wealthy.

I was sacked from being Donald Trump. Why? Ivana clue

I lost my booking as the amazing perspiring man when the bookings dried up


I was sacked from the Portaloo Company after being made to carry the can

I lost my job as an extra acting as an ice cream salesman when I failed to melt into the background

We have a special relationship with America the same as a paedophile has a special relationship with his victim.

I lost my job as a catholic priest when parishioners found out the real purpose of the organ fund.

I lost my job as a newsagent when the the union came in and operated a closed shop agreement.

As an amputee I lost my job modelling gloves as I was light fingered.

I lost my position as a toilet attendant for continually sitting down on the job

I lost my job as a brass rubber as all my efforts disappeared without a trace

I lost my job as an air bed attendant for continually letting people down

My business selling herbs on the local beach failed as Thyme and Tide wait for no man.

I lost my job in senior management at the Yale Lock Company as I was no longer considered a key employee.

I lost my job as a pun writer. I don't know why

I lost my job as a super injunction server as I couldn't find enough gigs.
I lost my job in the origami factory when the Company folded

I lost my job as bass player in a Jimi Hendrix tribute band as I didn't have enough experience.

I just picked up a book called "the wonders of superglue" and now I can't put it down.

I got turned down by a woman selling figs when I asked her for a date

I used to pretend to be a lego salesman. They didn't know what to make of me.

I just had to turn down the opportunity of a partnership in a firm removing tree roots after felling as I couldn't stump up enough cash

A reluctant gay agoraphobic has one hell of a problem coming out.

My Gran gets confused in shops, always messing about in her purse. I think she's going through the change.

It's pissing down. I wish I hadn't shot the ducks flying over.

I decided not to invest in my local privatised prison as it was well past its cell buy date.

My neighbour has renounced his homosexuality and joined the B.N.P. He claims to be back on the straight and narrow.

The hotel I was to stay at refused to get me a memory foam mattress but despite this I refuse to let them get me down.

I tried to leave a sewing circle who were turning up dresses but the cheeky buggers hemmed me in.

I stopped making sketches of people having asthma attacks when I had difficulty drawing breath.

I used to enjoy switching my investments from one place to another but lately I seem to have lost interest.

I'm going to enter the erectile dysfunction world championships tomorrow. I'm confident but hope the competition is not too stiff.

My mate Sid is a total dick head. We measure everyone by his standards. I have nothing to do with anyone who doesn't pass the ass Sid test.

A neighbour and I collect for charities at weekends. Although not related we feel we are brothers in alms.

After a fall, I had a steel rod put in my neck to straighten it. It was a great success and I must admit I have never looked back since.

I understand that God has premature ejaculation issues. Something about a second coming.

The last time I danced people started to shove sugar lumps into my mouth.

I just heard two dolphins having a blazing row. Funny thing was, they were talking at cross porpoises.

I'm starving and have a fat and a thin weevil to choose from. It'll have to be the lesser of two weevils methinks.

Neighbours complain at my decision to put the bus stop at the end of our road but I stand by it.

 Please forgive my indulgence but, in view of my current perilous medical state I have decided to make a bucket list. I'd like a spear and Jackson galvanised slop, a hoesht pvc 182mm diameter milk and a Althrop mop master (none allergenic), oh and a bucket and spade

I killed a bee about an hour ago and the bugger has just revived and is buzzing around my head trying to bite me. It's a sodding zombee