In the mid seventies, for my sins, I was assistant manager of the Bradford and Bingley Building Society in a South Wales City. These were the dyas of the original mortagage famines where funds were strictly controlled and you were wined and dined by accountants, solicitors et al as they hoped you would give their clients priority on mortgage funds. To show how much times have changed, our branch allowance for each month was around £40,000.
The BBBS was endowment obsessed, obviously for the huge amounts of commission they used to earn. In 1976 a national newspaper tried to expose the scandal of people being forced to take endowment mortgages, whether they wanted them or not, and called into question the whole ethics of mortgage lending and commission. My "target" was that at least 80% of lending had to be on endowment loans or ..... Your future prospects depended entirely on how much money you made for them (added to the usual brown nosing that was essential for even the most talented of staff).
The day after the story, a press release was issued stating that staff at out Society never carried out this practice and the customer always received advice that was best for them, not the society.
I was delighted. I would no longer have to con people into taking a product they did not want. An hour after I reading my post with the press release I received a call from head Office asking if I had read it. I confirmed I had and was then told "Your minimum endowment conversion rate still remains at 80%". End of story.
Banks, Building Societies and Insurance Companied have always put profit first and the customer second. They always have and they always will.
Saturday 30 June 2012
Wednesday 27 June 2012
Theft.
I would imagine that not many of my followers on Twitter would have much sympathy for the following moan. There are so many more people worse off financially than I am but, at whatever level you are at, theft can alter everything forever.
I have started three businesses and I left one of them over ten years ago but kept shares in order to have some sort of pension when I retired. I hoped, sometimes against hope, that I had left it in good hands.
For the next six years after I left, the accountant embezzled money every year, eventually stealing over £1,000,000 to fund his lifestyle. The theft only came to light when a buyer was found for the Company which would have paved the way for me to look to retirement.
After two years of investigation, the accountant pleaded guilty and was imprisoned for five years. His wife got community service. In a just sting in the tale, they were given a set time to repay the money or his sentence would be doubled and she would get three years. They have extended this deadline to the end of August this year.
Amazingly, there is a good chance that most of the money will come back as the idiot invested it in shares and property, not the usual wine women and song. What will not come back however is the closed branch and the loss of jobs he created.
People read about theft and often think "good luck to them". I hear so often that it is a victimless crime. Personally I hope he has an arse hole the size of the Mersey Tunnel when he gets out.
The story can be read on this link.
http://news.sky.com/story/848504/accountant-jailed-for-1m-expenses-fraud
I have started three businesses and I left one of them over ten years ago but kept shares in order to have some sort of pension when I retired. I hoped, sometimes against hope, that I had left it in good hands.
For the next six years after I left, the accountant embezzled money every year, eventually stealing over £1,000,000 to fund his lifestyle. The theft only came to light when a buyer was found for the Company which would have paved the way for me to look to retirement.
After two years of investigation, the accountant pleaded guilty and was imprisoned for five years. His wife got community service. In a just sting in the tale, they were given a set time to repay the money or his sentence would be doubled and she would get three years. They have extended this deadline to the end of August this year.
Amazingly, there is a good chance that most of the money will come back as the idiot invested it in shares and property, not the usual wine women and song. What will not come back however is the closed branch and the loss of jobs he created.
People read about theft and often think "good luck to them". I hear so often that it is a victimless crime. Personally I hope he has an arse hole the size of the Mersey Tunnel when he gets out.
The story can be read on this link.
http://news.sky.com/story/848504/accountant-jailed-for-1m-expenses-fraud
Sunday 17 June 2012
Fathers Day
I have seriously mixed feelings about fathers day. It's really a day I can't take part in. I have no actual children of my own. I inherited two boys on marrying for a second time and that was that.
I have a great relationship with the youngest boy (who is now older than we were when Jan and I got together) but none with the other though, there is little I could do about that. I do mention my grandchildren often in tweets and, although they have blood related grandparents, I am "Granddad" to them and they wouldn't have it any other way which, I suppose, contradicts the "blood is thicker than water" saying.
I took my own, 91 year old Dad, his card on Friday when we took him out for his weekly meal. My Dad wants to die. He has so many debilitating illnesses, life has little joy for him. He was born into a family of 10, spent 1941 to 1947 in the army and was back home to another family so, living alone, has not been easy for him, even though he copes well with the essential help of one of my sisters.
So, another fathers day comes and goes.
I have a great relationship with the youngest boy (who is now older than we were when Jan and I got together) but none with the other though, there is little I could do about that. I do mention my grandchildren often in tweets and, although they have blood related grandparents, I am "Granddad" to them and they wouldn't have it any other way which, I suppose, contradicts the "blood is thicker than water" saying.
I took my own, 91 year old Dad, his card on Friday when we took him out for his weekly meal. My Dad wants to die. He has so many debilitating illnesses, life has little joy for him. He was born into a family of 10, spent 1941 to 1947 in the army and was back home to another family so, living alone, has not been easy for him, even though he copes well with the essential help of one of my sisters.
So, another fathers day comes and goes.
Wednesday 6 June 2012
My one liners April/May for the terminally bored
I can't help thinking that, when it comes to making an exportable cheese, the Iraqi Kurds have lost their whey now.
Just found 6oz margarine and caster sugar 3 eggs, 6oz self-raising flour and 1 tsp baking powder. I don't know what to make of it.
My Mum went clay pigeon shooting in Iraq. Baghdad? No but she shot my uncle Jim.
My mate's wife played Blind Man's Bluff in India. Hyderabad? No, we've never found the body. My mate got stuck in a sticky substance on holiday in Colombia. Bogota? Neither. I think it was quicksand.
My Granny had sex with a Manchester United player on hoilday in Brazil. Rio? No it was Wayne Rooney.
My mate's wife had sex with one of Bros whilst in Nigeria. Lagos?. No it was the other one.
I'm taking my wife to China for a breast reduction. Shanghai? No she can tuck them in her knickers.
One of the Queens Corgis is not house trained. She calls it Reggie. It gasses the room out. She calls out "is this corgi Reggies turd?
A far as I am concerned sex is a load of pants
An atlas is a cloakroom attendant in a Dewsbury nightclub.
I once went out with a pin up girl. I was pulling needles out of my dick for weeks
Detectives have confirmed the discovery of dead chickens in a children's playground. Foul play is suspected.
My surgeon, Gerry Bodger, refused a knighthood as he felt the title would worry his patients.
I was accused of fly tipping for putting a blue bottle into the clear glass bank.
I've invested heavily in a high risk new Duvet Company. I've also invested in a fluffy pillow Company so I have something to fall back on.
Q. What is the nickname given to the Queen as she joins the boats on the Thames? A. Flotilla the Hun.
Lovers of colonic irrigation keep their friends close but their enemas even closer.
The doctor has told me to stop wiping my arse with empty beer bottles. It's apparently dangerous in the act and I have to nip it in the Bud.
On the controversial question of whether prostitutes should be allowed to service prisoners to ease frustration, there are pro's and cons
My wife wants us to move to llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Whether she gets her wish or not, it's hard to say.
My mate is disturbed after putting coal on the fire using the fire set. I don't understand him. I think he is speaking in tongs.
Police asked me to help out and attend an identity parade for a flasher. It's humiliating, but I suppose I just have to grin and bare it.
Rumours that heroin has been produced by germinating the mature flower with penis foreskin have turned out to be pure poppycock.
I misunderstood what she required when my wife asked me to sort out the wedding day bridal wear. I though the saddle suited her though.
I have a walking stick I hope to wallop organiser Lord Seb with to draw attention to drugs abuse in the olympics. It's my crack Coe cane
I sent my Chinese friend a magazine about horses and British pasture land. I had no idea he was actually in the Glass and Glazing Industry.
If I had a band I'd call it "Name of the Restaurant" as it's always top of the bill.
My gay mate has blanked me saying I am homophobic and make tasteless remarks. Bummer.
People who mess up Chinese dumpling soup are often guilty of wonton destruction.
My dad was toastmaster for the local hunt. He could deliver a whole loaf buttered in less then five minutes.
Just sold an idea to Waddingtons where the winner is the final player to stay awake. It's the ultimate bored game.
hate smart arse friends. Mate invited me to a barbecue. When I got there I was behind ten blokes waiting to have their hair cut.
Post coital school secretaries are well known for sticking to their principals.
Ron and Russell Mael have teamed up with two partners with I.Q's of 150 and the Rev Spooner Society launching a store named Sparks and Mensa
Attempting oral sex whilst navigating and steering a boat can result in serious coxswaining problems.
Extremely overweight brides as well as beguiling their husbands often need beguiled churches.
The world diarrhoea championships are being held in Bradford tomorrow. Organisers are hoping for a good turnout.
A mate believes one of my sheep is eating fruit from his vineyard. I have no idea if it's true as I herd it through the grapevines.
The Sultan of Brunei is adding some of his Princes access to his harem. He's hoping to give the concubines a bit of a Sheik up.
Although Andy Pandy and Teddy abstained from any sexual contact Lubey Loo was always ready for action.
To me, everything in life is simply black and white but people tell me that is just me being negative.
I am well known for leaking details of liquid or semi-liquid edible dressings used by top chefs in recipes but I refuse to reveal my sauces.
Had a lovely Indian meal last night topped off with a glass of Lassi. This morning I feel like I need the hair of the dog
When I saw the Headline "Johnny Bairstow in England team" I wasn't impressed. Andrew Flintoff often bared his arse.
The only member of the Royal family who is allowed to take a lighted lamp to bed is is Eugenie.
Just cooked some rice, straight from the packet and it starting singing "I dreamed a dream" as it cooked. It was Boyle in the bag rice.
Cross and Blackwell were years behind Heinz in introducing tomato sauce and have constantly had to play ketchup.
My lazy idle neighbour noticed his septic tank was leaking methane He sat on it plugging it for hours. It's the longest he's held down a job
My ex used to taunt me with cries of skinhead, mullet mush, spiky ****, Mohawk mop and emo hair. I feared so much her cutting remarks.
Early medieval jousting contests were sponsored then chronicled by free lance reporters.
The Anglican church has announced that when they announced the ordination of Nicholas Parsons they weren't referring to commando lady vicars
The acorn is the fruit of the oak, and is smooth oval shaped in a rough cuplike base. That's it in a nutshell.
The world leader best known for his love of the violin and fraud is Fiddle Castro.
Old woman. What are you doing today? Old Man. Nothing. O.W. You did that yesterday. O.M I know but I've not finished. (old joke)
My neighbour Isaac Stein is very cultured. His wife Phylis is a loud mouthed, uncultured, bigot.
The doctor has advised me I have to stop bolting my food so I have removed the lock from the fridge door.
Damn confusing job titles. Being a lab technician didn't involve examining any women at all.
Just tried to make up a dish of corned beef with potatoes and onions but made a real hash of it.
I just unwrapped what I thought was a Chinese biscuit. Then it played, Yesterday, Help, If and S.o.S. Turns out it was a four tune cookie
It's a little known fact that actress Rula Lenska, when rehearsing, could only learn straight lines a foot long.
A lumberjack trapped under a fallen oak for 6 hours has been cut free. Drs say his condition is improving but he is not yet out of the woods
Victorian dairy farmers counted cattle and marked the final total on a stone slab. This was later copied by formula 1 as the check herd flag
Having a lie in today. Yesterdays truth in only lead to arguments and recriminations.
An easy solution to the South east water shortage would be to simply dilute it so that it goes further.
Apparently BMI is being abandoned and obesity is now classed if your waist size is more than half your height. I should be seven foot three.
Stupid joiner fitted our new door bell so far up the door, we can't reach it. Something tells me he's in for a high ding.
I asked the office junior to bring me a manila folder from stores. Imagine my shock when she turned up with a Philipino contortionist
My mate started crying with joy when he saw plans for his two storey garden shed. It was originally three stories until he shed a tier
. Everyone was in tears in the department store today. The were overwhelmed by the moving stairs storeys.
Expressions of relief and extreme distance are phew and far between.
I once had a fling with an aerobics instructor but it didn't work out well
I applied to the Bank for a business loan and they sent me round the contents of their staff toilet together with a stamped addressed box.
Cameron is going to canvass German opinion on the French and Greece election results. He has an appointment at Buckingham Palace tomorrow.
Just helped a beat bobby sweep glass off the road following a minor smash. It's quite unusual for me to have a brush with the law.
My mate could only record music when he'd had at least 10 pints of beer. He referred to himself as a session musician.
I've been reading a murder mystery about a man who dies from cholesterol after overeating sandwiches. It turned out the butter did it.
I was going to start a rumour but that damned Graham Parker beat me to it.
I once played cards with 24 people. It may sound nothing now but back then it was a big deal.
Just had a low fat Halal yoghurt. It was a Mullah Light.
The world "hanging out washing" championships are in the semi final stage. Mrs. Brown and Mrs. White, after four loads, are level pegging.
I have put a rare six inch Victorian nail I have owned for years, into an auction tomorrow. It goes under the hammer around 2.30pm
I've enlisted a former Lib Dem M.P. to front my new party. We champion erectile dysfunction and oil producers. Our leader is Limpdick Opec.
I was disqualified from a snooker tournament for not disclosing my unfair advantage as I was suffering from Catarrh.
Two top contestants made it through to the final of the world cravat folding championships. After three hours folding, it ended in a tie.
My mate wanted to watch the soap awards. I told him "you need to get a lifebuoy"
I had a moving seat fitted for my Dad to help him up the stairs. It kept stopping and starting. It's the last time I fit a stammer stairlift
I was putting up new Venetians in the kitchen when an edge sliced through my finger. I was rushed to hospital in a blind panic.
I had a portrait painted. It looked good other than the pursed lips. I asked why he'd painted them that way. I'd asked for a spitting image
A labour MP tabled a motion in parliament today. He blamed a dodgy curry for supper last night.
My wife was shocked to find out that asking me to pucker up had a totally different meaning in ice hockey.
Alistair Campbell has solved his excess saliva problem. His partner says she has to iron clean shirts less as he is able to spin dryer
I'm busy compiling crosswords. So far I have angry, annoyed, aggravated, outraged, irritable, irritated, maddened, nettled, offended, .....
I've always fancied having a stab at knife throwing
The noisiest of all garden amphibians is the natter jack toad.
Just seen a fox with flowers stuck all around its paws. I thought it was wearing mittens at first but they turned out to be foxgloves.
By wearing running shoes that were far too small I suffered from a crushing de feet.
The bin men are here. I have no idea from looking at them what they are now.
Drove past three bin wagons this morning. Checked out 14 dustmen and not one of them was wearing cor blimey trousers.
I always feel that rap artists are the ultimate unsung heroes
I used to be an open book showing people lists of loose women I had the pleasure of but now, I am more circumspect and keep a low pro file.
Calderdale Council's search for a water diviner has resulted in a flood of applications.
I got a contract pointing historic period buildings and regulations state have to use a sanitary trowel.
Roald Dahl has an unpublished story about erectile dysfunction called Wonky Willy makes you masturbate unsatisfactory
The Dr. agreed that he needed to treat my piles so he took them to the cinema.
Katie Price has been engaged more times than a public toilet.
My wife and I have argued for years about the latin name for egg. She says it's ovum. I've had enough. She is so wrong. I'm off. It's ova
The earliest form of none dialogue language was a system of flags attached to the penis of nudists. It was known generally as semiphore
I've just paid for a session on one of those bronco machines. It was difficult as the bucking system kept going up and down.
I dropped a real clanger this morning. Serves me right I suppose for wearing bell bottom trousers.
Jenny Agutter used to wear drainpipe trousers.
male eider ducks are renowned trade unionists and have downed tools for centuries
I met my wife on a trailer park. It was love at first site.
Anne Summers are sponsoring an athletics event for men suffering from erectile dysfunction. They will be called the old limp dick games.
We have a local fortune teller who claims to read the future in people's snot. He calls himself Nostrildamus
My Dad was a spy and always used to wear combinations when disguised on a mission to a cold destination so MI6 moved him to a safe house.
I'm going to write my autobiography. It starts with a Morris 1000 two door in blue.
Apple have introduced a new phone that makes sarcastic remarks when it is switched on. It's the new Smart Arse phone.
A fart is natures way of telling you that you have urgent business to attend to.
I am quite deaf and was diagnosed with a narrow ear canal so the doctor prescribed a Panama hat.
I have written a short story of forbidden love at an M & S underwear department. I've called it "Briefs on counter"
In 1066 Britain was invaded by a doctor specialising in pedicure, William the corn curer.
Is Claire still Balding? She should marry Derek Hatton.
Nissan garages are expecting a flood of bodyshop repair business with the news that Micra chipping is to become compulsory.
I've just sculpted a beautiful bird statue out of bird droppings. I'm calling it a stool pigeon.
Just finished a screenplay prequel about a boy called Damian who is the Devils son but my agent says for publication the omens are not good.
I swear your honour, I had no idea she was talking about roast ham in scrumpy jus when she told me she wanted something hot in cider.
Susan Boyle's new musical is reviewed in the Lancet.
I am managing a really unfashionable band called the "Trend" in the hope that everyone will start bucking them.
I've been invited to a drag racing circuit. I don't know whether to wear a mini or go for slacks and a peep hole bra.
Barcelona will receive a Pep talk before next weeks match with Chelsea.
Dwight Yorke and Peter Andre are taking legal advice following the court's decision to send Abu Qatada back to Jordan.
An evil sod name of Abu, suggested explosives be put in a shoe, Really my dear, a better idea would be to put it from whence comes your poo.
I've got an idea for a cookery programme involving naturists hiking around the country making dishes. I'll call it the Barey Hikers.
My mate asked me if I wanted a malteser. I said yes and he took me to an Arndale centre to watch some girl in shorts handing out leaflets.
At last years Henley Regatta I won a months supply of chocolate wafer biscuits. I got third prize in the Blue Riband event
. I bought fourteen items in poundland and put on a stone.
Trouble with paper folding is there is no margin for error.
I always felt that Tuscany should be on the Ivory coast. A superb cricket app I wrote for my iphone has crashed. Apparently it has been attacked by the ebowler virus.
Illiterate chefs often have ham and x as their signature dish.
The wives of French master bakers, at official functions, are only allowed to wear bluelingerie
Prick up your ears has a whole new meaning attempting oral sex with a deaf and blind woman.
Just had roast seabird for the first time. It was done to a tern.
I've been reading a murder mystery about a man who dies from cholesterol after overeating sandwiches. It turned out the butter did it.
Age takes you from dapper to diaper in no time at all.
I'm not sure if I have spelt watersking correctly so will you keep an i out for it please?
Damn stupid typos. I turned up wearing gardening togs, carrying a rake and trowel. The bride was not at all amused. I'm sure it said weeding
Last time I made love on the beach the sensations came in waves.
Anne Summers are offering a sex toy made from a zinc and copper alloy for people who are totally brassed off.
Gianfranco Zola was a great player and a sound bloke but I didn't like his cheesy brother Gordon.
I can't decide between cremation and burial for when I finally go. Personally, cremation is the hot favourite.
My secret of a happy marriage is to surprise your partner. For her birthday I took her to Majorca. For her next birthday, I'm picking her up
On our first trip to the Ionian islands, following a sip of malt whisky, later that night, my wife experienced her first Mull tipple orgasm
Bunions are winning the fight to make my feet sore but callouses are hard on my heels.
Our local bookies has now joined the electronic age and wants to be known as the Kindlies.
Tried an old electric scale on the street yesterday. I got on. 13 stones! Never. Tried again, zero. Again, zero. It was a one weigh street.
The north American Indian's idea for scalping came right off the top of someone's head
What a genius A A Milne was. He mentioned Poohsticks decades before the bowel cancer test.
Our local hay and straw store has applied to the EEC for a bale out
In public conveniences I feel it prudent to try and avoid eye contact with my peers.
Next weeks Formula 1 Grand prix will go ahead bar rain
Dr. Just gave me a diagnosis after I had been clipped on the leg by an Audi 80 outside the house. Apparently I am a little bit run down.
Our local curry house is owned by a man from Buenos Aries who has huge lumps on his feet. His signature starter dish is named Bunion Argie.
Just read a piece about Islam written by Abu Hamza. After the first paragraph I was hooked.
He couldn't keep the secrets under his hat that Kim Trilby.
John Nettles has just won the lead role in the new stage production of "The Sting"
My wife and her spoonerisms. She just came back from the pet shop with a dead bat and a small coffin. I sent her for a cat basket.
Plans to expand our local cemetery have passed the approved deadline.
The Everley Brothers new song is a mix of ebony eyes and Cathy's clown. I think the title "cathytereyes" is a bit of a piss take though
I recently had my bottom pinched but got it back after posting a reward.
Women who made love to the Captain of the starship Enterprise reported feeling the Dunkirk spirit.
I've made a beautiful cake out of dry dead skin. If anyone wants the recipe, ask me and I'll give you the instructions from scratch.
I met a bloke yesterday who claimed he was totally fluent in the language ancient dragons spoke. When he spoke however it was all hot air.
Chicago's Peter Cetera never actually finished a sentence.
I parked illegally in a brothel car park and had my nipples clamped. Given the choice of attending a school reunion or wading through a septic tank, I'd ask for the depth in the tank before making a decision.
I bought my wife a South American camelid for her birthday. A Llama? Sure did, she nearly shit herself.
My mate Warren has a hare lip.
My mate has a chin that looks exactly like a pair of bollocks. We all call him cock eyed.
My mate has a speech impediment and is unable to tell talk from stutter.
Just sat on my Nokia. Now I know why it's called a smart phone.
Just opened my wife's wardrobe door and dozens of pastries fell out. She needs therapy for her choux fetish.
My greedy dyslexic, pasty guzzling friend was delighted when he entered a pieathon until the snake bit him on the arse.
Sexually demanding women are often left to their own devices.
I have a part time job at the local monastery using fabric softener on the recycled, dyed monks robes. It's essential as Old habits dye hard
Promoters refused refunds at a dinner when speakers Wynn Davis and Steve Wynn failed to turn up. "We were in a no Wynn situation" they said
I wish the mrs. hadn't breast fed the kids. The greedy buggers ate it all.
Does everyone believe that Wenger is the only post war manager to win the double for Arsenal or is it just Mee?
Extremely blood engorged male penis's are the shape of things to come.
I forgot kit when I went for javelin practice only having my shower bag. They refused to let me throw in underpants so I threw in the towel.
On University challenge I correctly answered, "3 soups, four pate and three prawn cocktails". It was my starter for ten.
A long apprenticeship in shop fitting can be counter productive.
I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.
My mate was taken to court for selling electricity generated by his own farts. The judge threw it out saying the charges were trumped up.
My cousin Eileen didn't know what Bukkake was until a Dexy's Midnight Runners disc played at a party.
I used to have a loaf of bread on a lead to keep me company but, since I started slicing it I am left with only crumb pets.
I didn't want a starter at the third Reich themed restaurant but I had no choice other than to obey hors d'œuvres.
I thought a stunner in the changing rooms was seducing me with her dress over her head but it seems she was only trying it on.
I thought I had a bargain when offered a nuclear powered watch for £50 but it turned out to be a wind up.
The rumour I have made a mattress filled with millions of stolen Kleenex is a tissue of lies.
acoustic --- pole used to make pigeons sing
Of all the wooden Prime Ministers we have had, the most realistic was Pitt the Elder.
When Eric Morecambe became involved with Luton Town he tried to Bayern Munich.
I'd like an ankle transplant but I can't afford to foot the bill.
American generals in ww2 gradually got more and more aggressive until it was inevitable that a Patton would emerge
I attempted to ask for a 69 in a Bangkok brothel but ended up tongue Thaid.
I had ambitions to be a Formula One ace but I lacked the drive
Lemons are disappearing fast. This tasty fruit is in danger of becoming extinct. Trees are being felled every day. Send £2 to lemon aid now.
Cenotaph -- Brazillian/Welsh racing driver
crudities --- poor taste poems
intersperse --- White Hart Lane follower
In her last book, Enid Blyton had Big Ears slayed. His body resides in a Noddy Holder.
In my opinion circles are absolutely pointless
Poor Gerry McCann. Now he is criticized for storing petrol
I got a job as a baggage handler at Manchester Airport when asked by my tutor to undertake a case study for my course work.
Once you have assassinated one knight of the realm you just cannot stop. It's a vicious sir Cull.
With the price of diesel going up and up Dervla Kirwan must be worth a fortune.
A stoke city player will only meet women in derelict houses. Dilapidated them.
Chris Kamara has a permanent toilet attendant at his house. He's a Kami Kazi Pilot.
I used to enjoy hobnobbing with my wealthy neighbours until I burnt it on a halogen ring.
When I see white spots my mind goes blank then everyone else follows. It's like a domino effect.
I was sure I saw Stuart Goddard in a shop this morning but he was adamant I was wrong.
Canada has made a small Island off the coast a haven for all types of deer. It's called Elkatraz.
I'm doing a stage play of Hitchcocks "the Birds". The crows keep losing plumage but luckily we have plenty of spares ready in the wings.
One of a pair of identical twins has died and left our campanologist group. Luckily he was a dead ringer for his brother who has joined.
There are police at the door and the neighbours after my blood but I can confirm there are at least 47 different ways to skin a cat.
When the Lone Ranger celebrated his Silver wedding, guests were shocked when he took his horse up the aisle.
balderdash --- short sprint for the follically challenged
By night I steal double glazed units from people's windows. It's a panes taking process.
Due to bad health I owe the local herbalist a fortune for herbal remedies. I went to see the G.P. She told me I was living on borrowed Thyme
When my son told me he had a burning ambition to be an arsonist when he left school, I was appalled but now, I am warming to the idea..
I tried phone sex yesterday. At first it was a disaster due to my hang ups but I am now proud to announce we are engaged.
I suppose when the next Apple computer comes out we can expect none stop hype Ads.
I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.
orthopaedic --- writer specialising in stories about the male urinary system
A 6 foot 10 inch chemist described as "arrogant" by his employers lost his claim for unfair dismissal. He was just too big for his Boots
David Milliband's speeches are to be streamed live on the internet but will only be available if you have a boredband connection.
Just found 6oz margarine and caster sugar 3 eggs, 6oz self-raising flour and 1 tsp baking powder. I don't know what to make of it.
My Mum went clay pigeon shooting in Iraq. Baghdad? No but she shot my uncle Jim.
My mate's wife played Blind Man's Bluff in India. Hyderabad? No, we've never found the body. My mate got stuck in a sticky substance on holiday in Colombia. Bogota? Neither. I think it was quicksand.
My Granny had sex with a Manchester United player on hoilday in Brazil. Rio? No it was Wayne Rooney.
My mate's wife had sex with one of Bros whilst in Nigeria. Lagos?. No it was the other one.
I'm taking my wife to China for a breast reduction. Shanghai? No she can tuck them in her knickers.
One of the Queens Corgis is not house trained. She calls it Reggie. It gasses the room out. She calls out "is this corgi Reggies turd?
A far as I am concerned sex is a load of pants
An atlas is a cloakroom attendant in a Dewsbury nightclub.
I once went out with a pin up girl. I was pulling needles out of my dick for weeks
Detectives have confirmed the discovery of dead chickens in a children's playground. Foul play is suspected.
My surgeon, Gerry Bodger, refused a knighthood as he felt the title would worry his patients.
I was accused of fly tipping for putting a blue bottle into the clear glass bank.
I've invested heavily in a high risk new Duvet Company. I've also invested in a fluffy pillow Company so I have something to fall back on.
Q. What is the nickname given to the Queen as she joins the boats on the Thames? A. Flotilla the Hun.
Lovers of colonic irrigation keep their friends close but their enemas even closer.
The doctor has told me to stop wiping my arse with empty beer bottles. It's apparently dangerous in the act and I have to nip it in the Bud.
On the controversial question of whether prostitutes should be allowed to service prisoners to ease frustration, there are pro's and cons
My wife wants us to move to llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Whether she gets her wish or not, it's hard to say.
My mate is disturbed after putting coal on the fire using the fire set. I don't understand him. I think he is speaking in tongs.
Police asked me to help out and attend an identity parade for a flasher. It's humiliating, but I suppose I just have to grin and bare it.
Rumours that heroin has been produced by germinating the mature flower with penis foreskin have turned out to be pure poppycock.
I misunderstood what she required when my wife asked me to sort out the wedding day bridal wear. I though the saddle suited her though.
I have a walking stick I hope to wallop organiser Lord Seb with to draw attention to drugs abuse in the olympics. It's my crack Coe cane
I sent my Chinese friend a magazine about horses and British pasture land. I had no idea he was actually in the Glass and Glazing Industry.
If I had a band I'd call it "Name of the Restaurant" as it's always top of the bill.
My gay mate has blanked me saying I am homophobic and make tasteless remarks. Bummer.
People who mess up Chinese dumpling soup are often guilty of wonton destruction.
My dad was toastmaster for the local hunt. He could deliver a whole loaf buttered in less then five minutes.
Just sold an idea to Waddingtons where the winner is the final player to stay awake. It's the ultimate bored game.
hate smart arse friends. Mate invited me to a barbecue. When I got there I was behind ten blokes waiting to have their hair cut.
Post coital school secretaries are well known for sticking to their principals.
Ron and Russell Mael have teamed up with two partners with I.Q's of 150 and the Rev Spooner Society launching a store named Sparks and Mensa
Attempting oral sex whilst navigating and steering a boat can result in serious coxswaining problems.
Extremely overweight brides as well as beguiling their husbands often need beguiled churches.
The world diarrhoea championships are being held in Bradford tomorrow. Organisers are hoping for a good turnout.
A mate believes one of my sheep is eating fruit from his vineyard. I have no idea if it's true as I herd it through the grapevines.
The Sultan of Brunei is adding some of his Princes access to his harem. He's hoping to give the concubines a bit of a Sheik up.
Although Andy Pandy and Teddy abstained from any sexual contact Lubey Loo was always ready for action.
To me, everything in life is simply black and white but people tell me that is just me being negative.
I am well known for leaking details of liquid or semi-liquid edible dressings used by top chefs in recipes but I refuse to reveal my sauces.
Had a lovely Indian meal last night topped off with a glass of Lassi. This morning I feel like I need the hair of the dog
When I saw the Headline "Johnny Bairstow in England team" I wasn't impressed. Andrew Flintoff often bared his arse.
The only member of the Royal family who is allowed to take a lighted lamp to bed is is Eugenie.
Just cooked some rice, straight from the packet and it starting singing "I dreamed a dream" as it cooked. It was Boyle in the bag rice.
Cross and Blackwell were years behind Heinz in introducing tomato sauce and have constantly had to play ketchup.
My lazy idle neighbour noticed his septic tank was leaking methane He sat on it plugging it for hours. It's the longest he's held down a job
My ex used to taunt me with cries of skinhead, mullet mush, spiky ****, Mohawk mop and emo hair. I feared so much her cutting remarks.
Early medieval jousting contests were sponsored then chronicled by free lance reporters.
The Anglican church has announced that when they announced the ordination of Nicholas Parsons they weren't referring to commando lady vicars
The acorn is the fruit of the oak, and is smooth oval shaped in a rough cuplike base. That's it in a nutshell.
The world leader best known for his love of the violin and fraud is Fiddle Castro.
Old woman. What are you doing today? Old Man. Nothing. O.W. You did that yesterday. O.M I know but I've not finished. (old joke)
My neighbour Isaac Stein is very cultured. His wife Phylis is a loud mouthed, uncultured, bigot.
The doctor has advised me I have to stop bolting my food so I have removed the lock from the fridge door.
Damn confusing job titles. Being a lab technician didn't involve examining any women at all.
Just tried to make up a dish of corned beef with potatoes and onions but made a real hash of it.
I just unwrapped what I thought was a Chinese biscuit. Then it played, Yesterday, Help, If and S.o.S. Turns out it was a four tune cookie
It's a little known fact that actress Rula Lenska, when rehearsing, could only learn straight lines a foot long.
A lumberjack trapped under a fallen oak for 6 hours has been cut free. Drs say his condition is improving but he is not yet out of the woods
Victorian dairy farmers counted cattle and marked the final total on a stone slab. This was later copied by formula 1 as the check herd flag
Having a lie in today. Yesterdays truth in only lead to arguments and recriminations.
An easy solution to the South east water shortage would be to simply dilute it so that it goes further.
Apparently BMI is being abandoned and obesity is now classed if your waist size is more than half your height. I should be seven foot three.
Stupid joiner fitted our new door bell so far up the door, we can't reach it. Something tells me he's in for a high ding.
I asked the office junior to bring me a manila folder from stores. Imagine my shock when she turned up with a Philipino contortionist
My mate started crying with joy when he saw plans for his two storey garden shed. It was originally three stories until he shed a tier
. Everyone was in tears in the department store today. The were overwhelmed by the moving stairs storeys.
Expressions of relief and extreme distance are phew and far between.
I once had a fling with an aerobics instructor but it didn't work out well
I applied to the Bank for a business loan and they sent me round the contents of their staff toilet together with a stamped addressed box.
Cameron is going to canvass German opinion on the French and Greece election results. He has an appointment at Buckingham Palace tomorrow.
Just helped a beat bobby sweep glass off the road following a minor smash. It's quite unusual for me to have a brush with the law.
My mate could only record music when he'd had at least 10 pints of beer. He referred to himself as a session musician.
I've been reading a murder mystery about a man who dies from cholesterol after overeating sandwiches. It turned out the butter did it.
I was going to start a rumour but that damned Graham Parker beat me to it.
I once played cards with 24 people. It may sound nothing now but back then it was a big deal.
Just had a low fat Halal yoghurt. It was a Mullah Light.
The world "hanging out washing" championships are in the semi final stage. Mrs. Brown and Mrs. White, after four loads, are level pegging.
I have put a rare six inch Victorian nail I have owned for years, into an auction tomorrow. It goes under the hammer around 2.30pm
I've enlisted a former Lib Dem M.P. to front my new party. We champion erectile dysfunction and oil producers. Our leader is Limpdick Opec.
I was disqualified from a snooker tournament for not disclosing my unfair advantage as I was suffering from Catarrh.
Two top contestants made it through to the final of the world cravat folding championships. After three hours folding, it ended in a tie.
My mate wanted to watch the soap awards. I told him "you need to get a lifebuoy"
I had a moving seat fitted for my Dad to help him up the stairs. It kept stopping and starting. It's the last time I fit a stammer stairlift
I was putting up new Venetians in the kitchen when an edge sliced through my finger. I was rushed to hospital in a blind panic.
I had a portrait painted. It looked good other than the pursed lips. I asked why he'd painted them that way. I'd asked for a spitting image
A labour MP tabled a motion in parliament today. He blamed a dodgy curry for supper last night.
My wife was shocked to find out that asking me to pucker up had a totally different meaning in ice hockey.
Alistair Campbell has solved his excess saliva problem. His partner says she has to iron clean shirts less as he is able to spin dryer
I'm busy compiling crosswords. So far I have angry, annoyed, aggravated, outraged, irritable, irritated, maddened, nettled, offended, .....
I've always fancied having a stab at knife throwing
The noisiest of all garden amphibians is the natter jack toad.
Just seen a fox with flowers stuck all around its paws. I thought it was wearing mittens at first but they turned out to be foxgloves.
By wearing running shoes that were far too small I suffered from a crushing de feet.
The bin men are here. I have no idea from looking at them what they are now.
Drove past three bin wagons this morning. Checked out 14 dustmen and not one of them was wearing cor blimey trousers.
I always feel that rap artists are the ultimate unsung heroes
I used to be an open book showing people lists of loose women I had the pleasure of but now, I am more circumspect and keep a low pro file.
Calderdale Council's search for a water diviner has resulted in a flood of applications.
I got a contract pointing historic period buildings and regulations state have to use a sanitary trowel.
Roald Dahl has an unpublished story about erectile dysfunction called Wonky Willy makes you masturbate unsatisfactory
The Dr. agreed that he needed to treat my piles so he took them to the cinema.
Katie Price has been engaged more times than a public toilet.
My wife and I have argued for years about the latin name for egg. She says it's ovum. I've had enough. She is so wrong. I'm off. It's ova
The earliest form of none dialogue language was a system of flags attached to the penis of nudists. It was known generally as semiphore
I've just paid for a session on one of those bronco machines. It was difficult as the bucking system kept going up and down.
I dropped a real clanger this morning. Serves me right I suppose for wearing bell bottom trousers.
Jenny Agutter used to wear drainpipe trousers.
male eider ducks are renowned trade unionists and have downed tools for centuries
I met my wife on a trailer park. It was love at first site.
Anne Summers are sponsoring an athletics event for men suffering from erectile dysfunction. They will be called the old limp dick games.
We have a local fortune teller who claims to read the future in people's snot. He calls himself Nostrildamus
My Dad was a spy and always used to wear combinations when disguised on a mission to a cold destination so MI6 moved him to a safe house.
I'm going to write my autobiography. It starts with a Morris 1000 two door in blue.
Apple have introduced a new phone that makes sarcastic remarks when it is switched on. It's the new Smart Arse phone.
A fart is natures way of telling you that you have urgent business to attend to.
I am quite deaf and was diagnosed with a narrow ear canal so the doctor prescribed a Panama hat.
I have written a short story of forbidden love at an M & S underwear department. I've called it "Briefs on counter"
In 1066 Britain was invaded by a doctor specialising in pedicure, William the corn curer.
Is Claire still Balding? She should marry Derek Hatton.
Nissan garages are expecting a flood of bodyshop repair business with the news that Micra chipping is to become compulsory.
I've just sculpted a beautiful bird statue out of bird droppings. I'm calling it a stool pigeon.
Just finished a screenplay prequel about a boy called Damian who is the Devils son but my agent says for publication the omens are not good.
I swear your honour, I had no idea she was talking about roast ham in scrumpy jus when she told me she wanted something hot in cider.
Susan Boyle's new musical is reviewed in the Lancet.
I am managing a really unfashionable band called the "Trend" in the hope that everyone will start bucking them.
I've been invited to a drag racing circuit. I don't know whether to wear a mini or go for slacks and a peep hole bra.
Barcelona will receive a Pep talk before next weeks match with Chelsea.
Dwight Yorke and Peter Andre are taking legal advice following the court's decision to send Abu Qatada back to Jordan.
An evil sod name of Abu, suggested explosives be put in a shoe, Really my dear, a better idea would be to put it from whence comes your poo.
I've got an idea for a cookery programme involving naturists hiking around the country making dishes. I'll call it the Barey Hikers.
My mate asked me if I wanted a malteser. I said yes and he took me to an Arndale centre to watch some girl in shorts handing out leaflets.
At last years Henley Regatta I won a months supply of chocolate wafer biscuits. I got third prize in the Blue Riband event
. I bought fourteen items in poundland and put on a stone.
Trouble with paper folding is there is no margin for error.
I always felt that Tuscany should be on the Ivory coast. A superb cricket app I wrote for my iphone has crashed. Apparently it has been attacked by the ebowler virus.
Illiterate chefs often have ham and x as their signature dish.
The wives of French master bakers, at official functions, are only allowed to wear bluelingerie
Prick up your ears has a whole new meaning attempting oral sex with a deaf and blind woman.
Just had roast seabird for the first time. It was done to a tern.
I've been reading a murder mystery about a man who dies from cholesterol after overeating sandwiches. It turned out the butter did it.
Age takes you from dapper to diaper in no time at all.
I'm not sure if I have spelt watersking correctly so will you keep an i out for it please?
Damn stupid typos. I turned up wearing gardening togs, carrying a rake and trowel. The bride was not at all amused. I'm sure it said weeding
Last time I made love on the beach the sensations came in waves.
Anne Summers are offering a sex toy made from a zinc and copper alloy for people who are totally brassed off.
Gianfranco Zola was a great player and a sound bloke but I didn't like his cheesy brother Gordon.
I can't decide between cremation and burial for when I finally go. Personally, cremation is the hot favourite.
My secret of a happy marriage is to surprise your partner. For her birthday I took her to Majorca. For her next birthday, I'm picking her up
On our first trip to the Ionian islands, following a sip of malt whisky, later that night, my wife experienced her first Mull tipple orgasm
Bunions are winning the fight to make my feet sore but callouses are hard on my heels.
Our local bookies has now joined the electronic age and wants to be known as the Kindlies.
Tried an old electric scale on the street yesterday. I got on. 13 stones! Never. Tried again, zero. Again, zero. It was a one weigh street.
The north American Indian's idea for scalping came right off the top of someone's head
What a genius A A Milne was. He mentioned Poohsticks decades before the bowel cancer test.
Our local hay and straw store has applied to the EEC for a bale out
In public conveniences I feel it prudent to try and avoid eye contact with my peers.
Next weeks Formula 1 Grand prix will go ahead bar rain
Dr. Just gave me a diagnosis after I had been clipped on the leg by an Audi 80 outside the house. Apparently I am a little bit run down.
Our local curry house is owned by a man from Buenos Aries who has huge lumps on his feet. His signature starter dish is named Bunion Argie.
Just read a piece about Islam written by Abu Hamza. After the first paragraph I was hooked.
He couldn't keep the secrets under his hat that Kim Trilby.
John Nettles has just won the lead role in the new stage production of "The Sting"
My wife and her spoonerisms. She just came back from the pet shop with a dead bat and a small coffin. I sent her for a cat basket.
Plans to expand our local cemetery have passed the approved deadline.
The Everley Brothers new song is a mix of ebony eyes and Cathy's clown. I think the title "cathytereyes" is a bit of a piss take though
I recently had my bottom pinched but got it back after posting a reward.
Women who made love to the Captain of the starship Enterprise reported feeling the Dunkirk spirit.
I've made a beautiful cake out of dry dead skin. If anyone wants the recipe, ask me and I'll give you the instructions from scratch.
I met a bloke yesterday who claimed he was totally fluent in the language ancient dragons spoke. When he spoke however it was all hot air.
Chicago's Peter Cetera never actually finished a sentence.
I parked illegally in a brothel car park and had my nipples clamped. Given the choice of attending a school reunion or wading through a septic tank, I'd ask for the depth in the tank before making a decision.
I bought my wife a South American camelid for her birthday. A Llama? Sure did, she nearly shit herself.
My mate Warren has a hare lip.
My mate has a chin that looks exactly like a pair of bollocks. We all call him cock eyed.
My mate has a speech impediment and is unable to tell talk from stutter.
Just sat on my Nokia. Now I know why it's called a smart phone.
Just opened my wife's wardrobe door and dozens of pastries fell out. She needs therapy for her choux fetish.
My greedy dyslexic, pasty guzzling friend was delighted when he entered a pieathon until the snake bit him on the arse.
Sexually demanding women are often left to their own devices.
I have a part time job at the local monastery using fabric softener on the recycled, dyed monks robes. It's essential as Old habits dye hard
Promoters refused refunds at a dinner when speakers Wynn Davis and Steve Wynn failed to turn up. "We were in a no Wynn situation" they said
I wish the mrs. hadn't breast fed the kids. The greedy buggers ate it all.
Does everyone believe that Wenger is the only post war manager to win the double for Arsenal or is it just Mee?
Extremely blood engorged male penis's are the shape of things to come.
I forgot kit when I went for javelin practice only having my shower bag. They refused to let me throw in underpants so I threw in the towel.
On University challenge I correctly answered, "3 soups, four pate and three prawn cocktails". It was my starter for ten.
A long apprenticeship in shop fitting can be counter productive.
I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.
My mate was taken to court for selling electricity generated by his own farts. The judge threw it out saying the charges were trumped up.
My cousin Eileen didn't know what Bukkake was until a Dexy's Midnight Runners disc played at a party.
I used to have a loaf of bread on a lead to keep me company but, since I started slicing it I am left with only crumb pets.
I didn't want a starter at the third Reich themed restaurant but I had no choice other than to obey hors d'œuvres.
I thought a stunner in the changing rooms was seducing me with her dress over her head but it seems she was only trying it on.
I thought I had a bargain when offered a nuclear powered watch for £50 but it turned out to be a wind up.
The rumour I have made a mattress filled with millions of stolen Kleenex is a tissue of lies.
acoustic --- pole used to make pigeons sing
Of all the wooden Prime Ministers we have had, the most realistic was Pitt the Elder.
When Eric Morecambe became involved with Luton Town he tried to Bayern Munich.
I'd like an ankle transplant but I can't afford to foot the bill.
American generals in ww2 gradually got more and more aggressive until it was inevitable that a Patton would emerge
I attempted to ask for a 69 in a Bangkok brothel but ended up tongue Thaid.
I had ambitions to be a Formula One ace but I lacked the drive
Lemons are disappearing fast. This tasty fruit is in danger of becoming extinct. Trees are being felled every day. Send £2 to lemon aid now.
Cenotaph -- Brazillian/Welsh racing driver
crudities --- poor taste poems
intersperse --- White Hart Lane follower
In her last book, Enid Blyton had Big Ears slayed. His body resides in a Noddy Holder.
In my opinion circles are absolutely pointless
Poor Gerry McCann. Now he is criticized for storing petrol
I got a job as a baggage handler at Manchester Airport when asked by my tutor to undertake a case study for my course work.
Once you have assassinated one knight of the realm you just cannot stop. It's a vicious sir Cull.
With the price of diesel going up and up Dervla Kirwan must be worth a fortune.
A stoke city player will only meet women in derelict houses. Dilapidated them.
Chris Kamara has a permanent toilet attendant at his house. He's a Kami Kazi Pilot.
I used to enjoy hobnobbing with my wealthy neighbours until I burnt it on a halogen ring.
When I see white spots my mind goes blank then everyone else follows. It's like a domino effect.
I was sure I saw Stuart Goddard in a shop this morning but he was adamant I was wrong.
Canada has made a small Island off the coast a haven for all types of deer. It's called Elkatraz.
I'm doing a stage play of Hitchcocks "the Birds". The crows keep losing plumage but luckily we have plenty of spares ready in the wings.
One of a pair of identical twins has died and left our campanologist group. Luckily he was a dead ringer for his brother who has joined.
There are police at the door and the neighbours after my blood but I can confirm there are at least 47 different ways to skin a cat.
When the Lone Ranger celebrated his Silver wedding, guests were shocked when he took his horse up the aisle.
balderdash --- short sprint for the follically challenged
By night I steal double glazed units from people's windows. It's a panes taking process.
Due to bad health I owe the local herbalist a fortune for herbal remedies. I went to see the G.P. She told me I was living on borrowed Thyme
When my son told me he had a burning ambition to be an arsonist when he left school, I was appalled but now, I am warming to the idea..
I tried phone sex yesterday. At first it was a disaster due to my hang ups but I am now proud to announce we are engaged.
I suppose when the next Apple computer comes out we can expect none stop hype Ads.
I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.
orthopaedic --- writer specialising in stories about the male urinary system
A 6 foot 10 inch chemist described as "arrogant" by his employers lost his claim for unfair dismissal. He was just too big for his Boots
David Milliband's speeches are to be streamed live on the internet but will only be available if you have a boredband connection.
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