December posts

Chuck Berry had a wine making brother who was two years older than him. His favourite was elder Berry.

Just read a great book about a kiln operative who juggled ale bottles. It was the autobiography of Beer Tricks Potter.

My mate, an airline pilot, was bet that he couldn't land the plane with his eyes shut. He was sure he could but wasn't banking on it.

Who the hell was good king Wences? What was so special about his lass that they wrote a bloody song about her?

Food critic Ronay's venture into social media with his food "myface" site, has flopped. A major investor Quoted "I am left with Egon Myface

After a hearty Christmas dinner, we like to eat a tasty eczemas pudding, made from scratch.

I always thought that Yuletide was the dirty water mark around Brinners bath.

I splashed out on a new pair of shoes yesterday. Fortunately they were leather so they dried quickly. Bloody prostate.

The height of palm trees is measured in hands.

I only ever buy real buckets. I hate pail imitations.

My mate tells me there is a bungee jumping school opening locally. He thinks I'm stupid. I'm not falling for that one.

Went to a gents outfitters yesterday and came out stinking of piss with a packet of condoms in my pocket.

The act of buying a copy of the "lion sleeps tonight" is often just a whim away.

Last time I was in Jerusalem there were lots of people blubbering over a pile of bricks. It was later I found out it was the whaling wall

I was followed by one of the George Mitchell minstrels so I blacked him.

Surprised to hear that Strictly's Dani Harmer is engaged to Will Self. I must admit though that Dani Self Harmer is a cutting edge name.

Bought the kids a "Moggies' boarding home" game for Christmas only to open it and find we couldn't play it as Catteries weren't included.

I have found a cure for people who cannot help letting out breath audibly. Clinical trials have shown there to be no sighed effects.

I've written a new novel called 13 Amp and I want to plug it in here.

I bought my wife the cricketers almanac last year not the biography of Oscar Wild. I thought she said she wanted a few words of Wisden.

My wife won't give me a hint at what she wants for Christmas saying It's the thought that counts. I bought her a book on mental arithmetic.

I was admiring my waxwork figure in Tussauds when the eldest Beverley sister walked over and stood next to me. I was beside myself with Joy.

I once tried to steal some broken bathroom scales despite knowing I was unlikely to get a weigh with them,

Very surprised to hear that Hank Marvin has joined the labour party and immediately given the job as shadow minister for music.

Our local solicitors, Fi Fo and Fum, operate on a no win no fee basis.

I went into a shop and asked for jump leads yesterday. Assistant sold me tickets to the next athletics meeting at the Don Valley stadium.

Couldn't understand why my piano stank of fish when I opened the lid until I was told the Tuna had just been messing about with it.

My mate is so dumb, he moved to Essex when he heard there was a Brain Tree there.

Local barrister caught "In flagrante" with a heavily sedated sheep said he couldn't resist being called to the Baa.

The Mum of U2's guitarist got told off for sitting on the bonnet of the new, Spanish built car he bought. She was on the SEAT of her Edge.

Just heard from the horses mouth at my agents that I have a bit part in the new Warhorse movie.

Just got a part in the remake of Hitchcock's "The Birds" which is being filmed locally. Mine is only a Mynah role however.

The makers of, Chicago based, hospital programme, E.R. are filming an offshoot in the West Country. It will be called Oooo R.

Saw the school nativity play yesterday with little devils instead of angels. It made quite an imp act on us all.

After creating his monster, Frankenstein found it kept vomiting after every meal. Doctors told him not to bolt his food.

A huge boil has just exploded on my dad's sisters neck. There is aunty matter everywhere.

My mate has been bumped off. With his strange sexual preferences, he really shouldn't have taken that job on the dodgems.

The hosts at the wedding complained the wine would run out as I hadn't provided enough carafes but they failed to see the bigger pitcher.

Our local Abbot has expelled an obese, secretive monk caught cooking chips alone. He said the monastery was "no place for a deep fat fryer".

Just officiated at my first funeral and the car carrying the coffin broke down. I knew we should have re hearsed earlier on.

I was hoping for a gift to complete my collection of the works of Charles Dickens by today but I don't have Great Expectations.

When a group of North east school children were asked to draw their favourite cartoon they all drew a sketch of Sunderland.

Typhoo have launched a guaranteed 100% toxin free brew for the super rich. It costs £150 per packet. It's wealth and safe tea gone mad

I don't mind hailing from earth and being an earthling but spare a thought for the poor dumplings.

My mate who lisps, dresses in a dark and morbid fashion, sings spirituals and practices black magic, has formed a Gothspell Choir

It must be awful being Jewish when it's cold and not being able to pull your hood up.

Down at heel local prostitutes who have leaky bits and have cut prices to get work are calling themselves the tenner ladies.

Our toilet is looking old and grubby so I've decided to splash out on a new one.

I have the new Islamic advent calendar. I just daren't open any of the doors.

My wife and her poor hearing. Yesterday she bought me a tad bent colander

When my Mrs. said it was time to hit the sack last night I anticipated a nights sleep, not a trip to casualty with swollen testicles.

I was delighted when the army medic ordered me discharge papers as I suffered from dysentery. So pissed off to receive a jumbo toilet roll