December posts

Chuck Berry had a wine making brother who was two years older than him. His favourite was elder Berry.

Just read a great book about a kiln operative who juggled ale bottles. It was the autobiography of Beer Tricks Potter.

My mate, an airline pilot, was bet that he couldn't land the plane with his eyes shut. He was sure he could but wasn't banking on it.

Who the hell was good king Wences? What was so special about his lass that they wrote a bloody song about her?

Food critic Ronay's venture into social media with his food "myface" site, has flopped. A major investor Quoted "I am left with Egon Myface

After a hearty Christmas dinner, we like to eat a tasty eczemas pudding, made from scratch.

I always thought that Yuletide was the dirty water mark around Brinners bath.

I splashed out on a new pair of shoes yesterday. Fortunately they were leather so they dried quickly. Bloody prostate.

The height of palm trees is measured in hands.

I only ever buy real buckets. I hate pail imitations.

My mate tells me there is a bungee jumping school opening locally. He thinks I'm stupid. I'm not falling for that one.

Went to a gents outfitters yesterday and came out stinking of piss with a packet of condoms in my pocket.

The act of buying a copy of the "lion sleeps tonight" is often just a whim away.

Last time I was in Jerusalem there were lots of people blubbering over a pile of bricks. It was later I found out it was the whaling wall

I was followed by one of the George Mitchell minstrels so I blacked him.

Surprised to hear that Strictly's Dani Harmer is engaged to Will Self. I must admit though that Dani Self Harmer is a cutting edge name.

Bought the kids a "Moggies' boarding home" game for Christmas only to open it and find we couldn't play it as Catteries weren't included.

I have found a cure for people who cannot help letting out breath audibly. Clinical trials have shown there to be no sighed effects.

I've written a new novel called 13 Amp and I want to plug it in here.

I bought my wife the cricketers almanac last year not the biography of Oscar Wild. I thought she said she wanted a few words of Wisden.

My wife won't give me a hint at what she wants for Christmas saying It's the thought that counts. I bought her a book on mental arithmetic.

I was admiring my waxwork figure in Tussauds when the eldest Beverley sister walked over and stood next to me. I was beside myself with Joy.

I once tried to steal some broken bathroom scales despite knowing I was unlikely to get a weigh with them,

Very surprised to hear that Hank Marvin has joined the labour party and immediately given the job as shadow minister for music.

Our local solicitors, Fi Fo and Fum, operate on a no win no fee basis.

I went into a shop and asked for jump leads yesterday. Assistant sold me tickets to the next athletics meeting at the Don Valley stadium.

Couldn't understand why my piano stank of fish when I opened the lid until I was told the Tuna had just been messing about with it.

My mate is so dumb, he moved to Essex when he heard there was a Brain Tree there.

Local barrister caught "In flagrante" with a heavily sedated sheep said he couldn't resist being called to the Baa.

The Mum of U2's guitarist got told off for sitting on the bonnet of the new, Spanish built car he bought. She was on the SEAT of her Edge.

Just heard from the horses mouth at my agents that I have a bit part in the new Warhorse movie.

Just got a part in the remake of Hitchcock's "The Birds" which is being filmed locally. Mine is only a Mynah role however.

The makers of, Chicago based, hospital programme, E.R. are filming an offshoot in the West Country. It will be called Oooo R.

Saw the school nativity play yesterday with little devils instead of angels. It made quite an imp act on us all.

After creating his monster, Frankenstein found it kept vomiting after every meal. Doctors told him not to bolt his food.

A huge boil has just exploded on my dad's sisters neck. There is aunty matter everywhere.

My mate has been bumped off. With his strange sexual preferences, he really shouldn't have taken that job on the dodgems.

The hosts at the wedding complained the wine would run out as I hadn't provided enough carafes but they failed to see the bigger pitcher.

Our local Abbot has expelled an obese, secretive monk caught cooking chips alone. He said the monastery was "no place for a deep fat fryer".

Just officiated at my first funeral and the car carrying the coffin broke down. I knew we should have re hearsed earlier on.

I was hoping for a gift to complete my collection of the works of Charles Dickens by today but I don't have Great Expectations.

When a group of North east school children were asked to draw their favourite cartoon they all drew a sketch of Sunderland.

Typhoo have launched a guaranteed 100% toxin free brew for the super rich. It costs £150 per packet. It's wealth and safe tea gone mad

I don't mind hailing from earth and being an earthling but spare a thought for the poor dumplings.

My mate who lisps, dresses in a dark and morbid fashion, sings spirituals and practices black magic, has formed a Gothspell Choir

It must be awful being Jewish when it's cold and not being able to pull your hood up.

Down at heel local prostitutes who have leaky bits and have cut prices to get work are calling themselves the tenner ladies.

Our toilet is looking old and grubby so I've decided to splash out on a new one.

I have the new Islamic advent calendar. I just daren't open any of the doors.

My wife and her poor hearing. Yesterday she bought me a tad bent colander

When my Mrs. said it was time to hit the sack last night I anticipated a nights sleep, not a trip to casualty with swollen testicles.

I was delighted when the army medic ordered me discharge papers as I suffered from dysentery. So pissed off to receive a jumbo toilet roll

Octobers offerings

My dyslexic mate came to our toga party dressed as a goat

I was excited when told I had won a jackpot until I was told it belonged to the bukkake club

I always thought a Wagonwheel was Victoria Beckham on a unicycle

I tried to write a story about a man playing solo pontoon but there were too many twists and turns

I can do a North American Indian accent but it's a little bit Apache

Media? No you dear

Sodding well wet through. last time I go swimming.

A man walks into a bar with a goblin holding on behind him and the anagram expert barman asks him "why the conga elf"?

Life is what you make of it. I have made file.

Marriage: Where a partner knows how to turn lights switches on but not off and their partner exactly the opposite.

I'm off to Bury market this morning not to praise it.

The postman left my new Dyson on the doorstep. I found it covered in bird shit and piss wet through. Nature really does abhor a vacuum

I've just seen a huge fish floating on the water with 6 Austin Allegro's on it. It turned out to be a carp ark.

Wink old wrinkled Freddy Starr. How I wonder what you are.

In the Brinner household, Yul logs were a common sight and smell all year round.

Damn my dyslexia. I thought I got a job as a spy with M.I.5. I was actually selling pies on the M15.

The spottiest, smelliest people in the UK live in or around the Acne marshes.

Late News: Freddy Starr arrested for making a bad impression on young kids.

I'm not up with modern technology. I thought an MP3 player was the left back for the house of commons football team.

Amstrad are behind a string of new clubs where wealthy, elderly men can take their young female consorts. They call them Sugar Daddies.

My mate poured a tin of custard into the doorway of his local chemist when asked to act out Puss in Boots.

I just saw two married bees bare their backsides in the hive. They were honeymooning.

My new stereo system came with two 6 foot 6 Town Criers. I should have been more specific when I asked for huge loudspeakers.

I have a German friend called Gunther but I never let anyone hold him to my head.

If you don't pluck the duck before you eat it, there is every chance you will feel down in the dumps.

2G, 3G and now 4G. My internet connection is so slow it would be faster to send data by GG

A lactating woman at the door was not what I was expecting when I opted for milk from Express Dairies.

A mixed up atheist may eat shit.

I've been set a challenge to make an airtight sweat shirt but I can't see any way I can pull it off.

My mate and his wife have just been dismissed by the Leith Police.

My mate wanted to be an army chaplain. He had the bowler, walking stick and moustache but could never get the funny walk right

I keep dreaming that I am a successful kleptomaniac and I don't wake up despite pinching myself.

People say I am narcissistic just because I take a full length mirror with me and ride alone on the tunnel of love.

I could put up with Claire Richards,Lisa Scott-Lee and Fay Tozer but Ian H Watkins was a step too far

Referees have been instructed that when asthmatic players foul an opponent, it is not permissible to go wheezy on them.

I keep ours heating bills lower by not switching it on and keeping the bills in the bottom drawer.

I understand that the original paintings of the kids programme "The Herbs" were done with a Basil Brush.

All my clocks went back last night. I couldn't keep up with the payments.

Q. What do you call a young, upwardly mobile person, high on life, trying to get her horse to move forward. A. A giddy yuppie. Cheers.

I gave my Japanese pal an Argos catalogue when he said he wanted to buy a blender, I had no idea he was looking for an escort for the night.

The actor who used to spend the most time pondering his lines was Arthur Mull Hard.

My mate, Paddy O'Doyle who had chronic insomnia has just died. The O'Doyle family didn't seem to see the irony in having a wake for him.

Just made up a joke about a novelty toy pulled by two people at Christmas. It's a cracker.

My neighbour calls her cat Potato. I think she intends having it chipped.

The local Tourettes sufferers club has been licensed to sell wines and spirits and has opened a fuck off license.

I was looking for a new angle in retail shopping so I opened a corner shop.

I entered a cartoon competition and won first prize for my landscape of Sunderland.

Keeping water stored behind a wall. You're damned if you do and Damned if you don't.

Just looked in the window of our local funeral services shop and saw a coffin to die for.

Police have raided a slimming club for the obese. False readings are recorded to increase fees. Police say it took place on a huge scale.

My wife is going to Mount Kilimanjaro. I am shocked. I had no idea she even had a Japanese lover.

After the attack at Hillsborough the EDLand BNP have launched a "kick football out of racism" campaign saying It sickens racists everywhere

The local farmer has just crashed his combined harvester into the barbed wire fence whilst cutting the field. Everything has gone hay wire

My mate is so romantic, he turns off the lights, cooks a candlelit dinner for two and plays a Barry White c.d. every time he masturbates.

I couldn't understand why I was sacked from the Royal Mint. Then the penny dropped.

Disappointed when I heard a story about Bob-sleighing was on the Beeb but it involved no union leaders.

The annual conference of Tourettes sufferers will take place tomorrow in the Cornwall resort of Foulmouth.

O.K Ageism I can cope with but beejism is a whole new ball game.

Just written a play, a Scottish tragedy about a Dutch religious sect member who joins the police. I called it Amish Macbeth.

The faster than light race departed and I went into waters uncharted, How really absurd, I only came third but finished before I had started

It was staring us in the face all the time. Jimmy Saville paedophile is an anagram of Jimmy Saville paedophile.

Objects one tenth the size of a pinhead can be seen with the naked eye. Objects as big as Everest cannot be seen with the clothed eye.

Marriage eh! Got into bed last night, kissed the mrs on the cheek, looked at her naked body and said, "I remember when this was all feels"

Just passed a junction with a notice saying there were 52 deaths there last year. It's a worrying sign.

When was Africa's best drought? We only hear about the worst ones.

To err is human, to im is histrionics.

If all the MP's at Westminster were laid end to end from Westminster going north, there would be a line of MP's from Westminster going north

My studies into the bottom shapes of fairies, goblins and elves is now at an impasse.

One of my favourite authors writes stories about a long distance lorry driver set in the future. Check out H.G.V Wells on Amazon.

The world diarrhoea championships are very exciting this year. It's end to end stuff.

I know a dyslexic record store owner with attention deficit disorder who loves Angus Young. He suffers from hdad dc ccad

I opened an account with a branch of the bank of China yesterday. Half an hour later I felt the need to go and open another one.

Whilst I agree that Rowling's Harry Potter works were very entertaining I still think that J.K's best work was done with Jamiroquai

Hypnotists rarely go to auctions as they get someone else to do their bidding.

My mate is such a raving atheist he has changed his name from Christian to Godfree.

A woman whose children died in a bath filled with a popular orange fizzy drink, apple juice and alcohol has been charged with in fanta cider

Pets

I have had some lovely tweets today following my posting on twitter that one of our two German Shepherd dogs, Steffi, had a stroke this morning. None animal lovers will no doubt find it weird as it's "Not as if it is a person or anything" but it just shows how much we all care about our pets.

I had never owned a dog and inherited two with Janet. I wasn't keen but was soon won over, especially with the spunky Jack Russell who was once caught with a step ladder under his arm when he found out that the Great Dane next door was in season. We had to lock him in a cupboard at night if a local dog was on heat. I was pleased he was not aware of Jan.

Thomas was killed outside the house when the door latch blow open in the wind and he walked straight out under a car. The shithouse didn't even stop though there were car parts in the road. Thomas never ran anywhere so he must have just ambled into the road. It was early evening and I suspect drink was involved. Not Thomas you understand. I buried him in the back garden but, whilst I dug the hole, out last German Shepherd, Eva (as in Braun) sat next to him. Every time we let her out for a month after this, she went straight to the same spot, checking that his smell was still there. It was sad and touching to see. Harry is the same with Steffi. Steffi was the runt of the litter and we took them both as we felt sorry for her. They are inseparable.

I cannot imagine not having a dog in the house. It wouldn't seem quite right. We live in a remote spot so it is a good idea for security but I would still have one if I lived on the top floor of a tower block. All pets ask for is that you look after them. They ask for nothing else. They don't sulk or cheat. They don't argue with you and are always on your side.

As I type, Steffi is at my feet, dosed up with steroid injections. She looks woe begone and is very shaky on her legs but 10 hours ago she couldn't get up at all. If she lasts the night we should be o.k. unless she has another stroke. Another one will probably be fatal. We would probably put her to sleep even if she survived another one as we could not stand by and watch her suffer and fade away. We owe her much more than that. I hope that someone will be kind enough to do the same for me if I am ever in this position.

A little doubt goes a long way.

One of my favourite ever Tweeters is post op following cancer surgery. I am sure she has gone through every emotion in the book and she now has the waiting game which, sadly, sometimes never ends. I hope to hear soon she is well on the way to recovery.

I was very blasé about my own condition. I didn't take it seriously right up to surgery which my better half often found both annoying and baffling. It is always more difficult for the people who love you. They never know if they are saying or doing the right thing. I made a joke of it. I still do. It wasn't a veneer to cover fear or anything approaching it. It was just the way I am.

One thing does change though. You only need a fraction of a percentage of doubt about the success of the treatment to enable less than positive thoughts to surface. For instance. I have eczema. I've had it, on and off, for most of my life. When it flares I use various prescribed creams and it usually disappears, only to reappear elsewhere. The most annoying was on my bollocks when I was a kid. It was worse for my dad who took me to the Doctors and was so embarrassed at having to explain where it was to him. I seem to remember "penny" being used. How quaint. I'd have said bollocks in his position.

Anyway, I have a patch on my leg that will not respond to any treatment. It sometimes seems to glow in the dark and itches like buggery (so I'm told). It is eczema I am sure but....

I need some dental work done. I went to the surgery two weeks ago and the hygienist was concerned with a white patch on the roof of my mouth. She wanted a second opinion and I booked in again. I had to wait two weeks. That fraction of a percent kicked in again. I read the John Diamond book a few years ago and decided that was one way I didn't want to go. I actually dreamt, the following night, that I had mouth cancer. It was a relief to wake up. I have since had the all clear. Whatever it was has gone. No doubt there will be other issues from time to time. It doesn't bother or worry me. At least, I am 99.9999999% sure it doesn't.

Radiohead versus Pisshead

Last night I went to my, much looked forward to, Radiohead concert. We were somewhat apprehensive at the ticketless entry system and must have checked the booking terms a dozen times to make sure we had everything with us that we needed to gain entry.

In the end it was faultless and we were in our seats in good time. I had never heard the support before "Caribou" but I enjoyed them. They were loud.

The tickets cost us £150 with booking fees and I am always wary at the M.E.N. as I don't think the acoustics are brilliant. far too much echo in the cavernous empty roof space for my liking. I now get to the point of this posting.

Is it just us two that are out of touch with the realities of modern culture or, has everyone become a pisshead? The queues for booze, once you gained entry, never dropped. There were vendors with cases of Fosters on their backs dispensing it to eager customers. I assumed that once the band came on, it would stop but, did it buggery. If anything it got worse. It was almost as if electric shocks were being passed into selected seats at regular intervals as people stood to let pissheads go to the bar then stood again to let them come back with their bottles and plastic cups.

When the fifth song from the set was underway, there was a queue of dozens out in the corridor, thirsting for booze. I could see them lining up as the doors never closed with the throughput of traffic. If booze was so essential to the enjoyment, why not just go to Wetherspoons and wear headphones? It never stopped, from first number to encore, in out, in out in case they had the faintest chance of sobering up.

I won't complain about the dickheads who pay £75 for a seat then stand all the way through the concert nor the complete twat somewhere nearby who was obviously smoking a joint. I won't complain about the hundreds of phones pointing at the stage recording fuck knows what as all you got was a mass of colour and the sound would have been terrible. When played back it would be like you had recorded someone's bad dream.

As for the concert itself, I love Radiohead but I came out slightly disappointed. They played an unusual set. No Street Spirit or Just or Karma Police. It would be like the Moody Blues refusing to play Question and Nights in white satin. The bass was decibels too loud and drown out all the lead guitar work for me. I just couldn't hear it. There was an intricate stage set of off angle screens showing individual band members but I found it annoying. They only stayed on one band member for a few seconds before switching and sometimes had angles that you couldn't work out what the hell you were seeing.

To cap the night, we stayed in a nearby Travelodge and were given a bed that they must have bought pre war. There were more springs coming up than we have in the back garden after the floods. Fotunately they threw in a breakfast by mistake so I won't bother complaining.

Despite what it sounds like, we had a great day.

Sixty and counting

I often hear people discussing age and age related topics and it often ends with "I wish I was 20, 30 etc now" or "if only I knew then what I know now". I have said it myself often enough. I don't really mean it. I think people of my age were born at the perfect time.

There was rationing still on when I was born but I was too young to remember it. I also missed other post war hangovers such as national Service. When I think back however, it does seem like a completely different world.

I have a sister who is twelve years older than me so there was always music in our house. My first recollections are more Michael Holliday and "His car went beep" than Elvis but I do remember the start of rock and roll as the music infiltrated the crooners and middle of the road stuff that had dominated for years. I liked skiffle and Lonnie Donnegan, probably because my mother did. My Dad used to buy us three singles every Saturday on his way home from work. We had "Tower of Strength" by Frankie Vaughan, "Shakin all over and many others that are considered classic standards now. They were new and exciting to us. We bought "Love me do" when it came out. No-one can ever forget the excitement of waiting for the next Beatles single to come out knowing it would be nothing like the previous one but it would be as good as or even better. They always were. The Stones tried hard but could never quite get there. There were the Kinks and Zombies, the Who, the Animals. Even the pap stuff was listenable to. Think of "Something Good" by Hermans hermits. Then came Cream, Hendrix, Free, Jethro Tull, Taste, The Moody's and Led Zep. It seemed like it would never end.

-- Can you imagine kids getting excited about a fridge? We were. It was about 1966 when we got out first one. Very few people had a fridge. In summer, milk sat under a muslin cloth to stop it from souring. I remember our first telly. It was probably about a 12 inch screen. The picture would have been grainy. The picture slipped and people had their legs over their heads but it was exciting. I went to watch my ex wife on "Come Dancing" at a neighbours house in 1970 as he had a colour set. I also watched England lose 3-2 to Germany there too. A whole village and one colour set.

-- Asians! When I was a kid they were not regarded as they are now, at least not in the late 50's. Dad managed a Mill and many Saturdays I went in with him. There were 80 Northrop looms working flat out. The noise was incredible. You could stand nose to nose and shout at someone and they wouldn't hear you. My ears used to ring for days afterwards sometimes. Health and safety? Ear protection? Don't make me laugh. The Pakistani men were lovely. They thought dad was a hero. I never left the Mill without four or five bob in my pocket as they insisted on giving me money. They all called me son. They missed their own families. They called at our House on Christmas day with presents for my dad. One year it was Ramadan. My Mum offered them a sherry.

-- I saw the first moon landings, Lillian Board, (look her up, she was magnificent)and Revies Leeds though I could never understand why he didn't buy Gordon Banks and Kevin Hector. When I decided to leave school, it never occurred to me that I wouldn't find a job. The careers teacher saw me and asked what I intended to do. "Probably join British Telecom" I replied and I did. There were jobs galore if you wanted to work.

I could write for another hour but won't. Had I been younger, I'd have missed all this.

-- I won't swap.

What they lack in Quality, they make up for in quantity

These are my tweets since I started but for a couple of months. I can't decide if they get better or worse. Still, it kept me off the streets.

Strangely enough my neighbour's keeping me awake at night digging a hole in the garden. I think it's a plot to kill me too.

Just read that there is enough sodium chloride in shop bought sandwiches to overdose you. I must say I take this stuff with a pinch of salt

I'm not feeling myself today. My Mrs. stitched the holes in my trouser pockets.

I've entered the world hotdog eating championships for the fifth year in a row. It's an event I look forward to with relish.

The immigration backlog is a huge problem. It's bedlam for asylum seekers.

When the doctor told me I needed a partial lobotomy I really gave her a piece of my mind.

Spent all night tossing and turning. Masturbating whilst driving through the dales wasn't my best idea.

I was rushed in hospital unconscious after eating a box of Thorntons Magic Moments and drinking a bottle of champagne. I was in a Perry Coma

Just reading my "Treating Prostate Cancer" pamphlet. No mentions of a trip to Longleat or the cinema so far.


Bloody doctor said I've to have an M.R.I. scan next week if they can fit me in. Just how bloody narrow are those machines?

Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy

My shiite neighbour has had enough and moved to the Sunni side of the street.

We have a new musical director at our campanology group. He's really beginning to ring the changes.

Several antelope were killed in a lightening storm yesterday in the Kruger National park. That's the end of the Gnu's.

I gambled with a neighbour that my conifers would outgrow his privet bushes. I always like to hedge my bets.

A mate of mine made a fortune frying spam in batter on a stall but he eventually frittered it away.

My agent just got me the lead role in a new film. The "Dog Walker" starts production in the summer.

Those brave workers at the Fukishama Nuclear plant will be able to walk into a job anywhere especially with such glowing references.

I had a bible basher gesticulating at the door yesterday. Damned silent witness.

I tripped backwards and sat on an abacus which impaled itself up my arse. Doctors are counting on me making a speedy recovery.

I was feeling down and went to the doctors and asked for something to give me a lift. I love my new platform shoes.

I fell out with my neighbour over a boundary wall dispute but lately we've begun to mend fences.

The National Town Cryer championships have been judged. It's all over bar the shouting.

I just won first prize in the long distance yodelling championships. It's a far cry from my previous challenges.

got a job sweeping the floors at Eon this week. At last I'm working in the corridors of power.

I hate admitting to my wife about my speeding fines. I just don't have the courage of my own convictions.

Ignorance is bliss. I am deliriously happy.

The local laundry burnt down but they can still press my clothes as they have plenty of irons in the fire.

The training at the local pepper grinding factory was intense. They really put me through the mill.

I got really pissed off with my trigonometry teacher. He kept going off at a tangent.

The local brothel have a great invoicing system. You get a blow by blow account.

Competition at the annual anagram competition was fierce. I couldn't get a word in edgeways.

My uncle was was a reformed alcoholic dreyman but he kept falling off the wagon

My mates had a real stroke of luck. He had an aneurism when he won the lottery.

Competition in the annual 13 amp plug assembly championships is hotting up and the final is expected to go right down to the wire.

I managed to buy my way into the guild of Blacksmiths by forging my signature on the application.

My brother thinks my shirt sleeves are too long. I'm sick of his off the cuff remarks.

Bloody pervert gynaecologist. He's always cherry picking his patients.

Damned Gypsy selling at the door again told me she'd put a curse on me. I'll take her down a peg or two.

Just got a job at the common cold research centre. Good benefits and pay's not to be sneezed at either.

My sister Danuta in Warsaw can't get on with my brother Carl in Gdansk. They are simply poles apart.

Bloody colostomy bags. Always taking the piss.

I tried to leave the Russian Roulette club but the members held a gun to my head.

I hoped to leave my apprenticeship as a cooper, but my employers had me over a barrel.

Kilroy is dead. I suppose the writing was on the wall.

I'll have to start growing my own herbs. I can't go on living on borrowed thyme.

My mate got mugged whilst jogging last night but the thief did a runner.

My toilet seat just broke but fortunately I fell between two stools.

My photograph album has been stolen. Police say there is no-one n the frame at the moment.

I'd love to have a go at glass blowing but I lack the bottle to do it

My wife says she wants a ringside seat next time I have a prostate biopsy. I'd prefer she looked me in the face personally.

I'm feeling like I've just felated a duck. Down in the mouth.

Been bidding on ebay for shadows memorabilia and hope to get the contents of their stage wardrobe. It's a real Cliff Hanger.

Just finished my new film "The life of a tow ball". Anyone any ideas on a decent trailer?

A defendant with a bad stutter was freed from court with a fine today as the judge felt he was unlikely to complete a full sentence.

Never play cards with amputees. I lost and had to throw my hand in

Someone just wrote gnab on our coffee machine. I think it's bang out of order.

Apple have introduced an application for people who live sheltered lives called the iopener.

Got stopped on the A650 today by a man brandishing pistols. I had no idea it was a duel carriageway.

I got the runs whilst love making last night. I didn't know if I was coming or going.

I couldn't remember what the break of day was called when suddenly it dawned on me.

I've invented a safe disguised as a washing machine for money launderers.

In view of the semi finalists I think the F.A cup should be re-branded the sweet F.A Cup.

I got a job in tele sales selling fridges and freezers but got nowhere as I was useless at cold calling.

Police have refused to investigate the theft of sand, cement and gravel from my garden as I have no concrete evidence to offer.

I once tried to have oral in the shower but the mrs. kept blowing hot and cold.

I was desperate to get up early this morning and repair the pavement outside the house but the mrs insisted I kerb my enthusiasm

My dad talks crap constantly. I'm sure he has irritable vowel syndrome.


N.A.S.A have introduced a cheaper rocket using coal extract. The space scuttle has its maiden launch next week.

Had a great time at the Alzheimers get together. It really was a night to remember.

My wife got such a sore throat from shouting at her dumb mare she's now become a hoarse whisperer.

On my wedding night we were both virgins but I was amazed when I was done for breaking and entering.

My computer is now dressed in dark glasses a hat and a plain mac. Wish I'd never downloaded that bloody spywear.


My mate, a keen angler, called his first born son Rod. He liked his name but sister Annette was not so happy.

Just admiring my paintings of famous British murderers. Can't decide whether to hang them or not.

I can't afford to queue at the fishmongers any more as, every time I stop to talk to someone, I seem to lose my plaice.

I've just realised that the sound of bells ringing in my ears is being caused by the skin peeling.

My publisher said my sentences are too short so in the next story I will be pulling out all the stops.

Got to the semi final of the water boiling championships and the competition is really hotting up.

My Granddaughter asked me where poo came from. After an hour explaining the workings of the digestive system she then enquired about Tigger

I'm thinking of calling my new low key bucket shop enterprise "pails into insignificance"

Thai curries make me hot under the collar.

I failed my locomotive driver written exam after continually losing my train of thought.

I sued my local laundry owner when he covered me in mud driving through a puddle. I really took him to the cleaners.

News Flash. Botox hits the headlines

The only job our local newspaper vendor could get was carrying a placard advertising a Murdoch publication. It's a sign of the times.


Thought I'd bought a great sex manual today called "learn to love" but it tuned out to be a volume of the Oxford English Dictionary

Sick to death of may mate boasting about his new radical design for a surgical boot so I had to tell him to put a sock in it.

Dog just crapped on my black and decker workmate. It's a real benchmark in his foul habits.


I swallowed a spoon yesterday and now I can feel a stirring in my bowels.

I just got praised by someone slapping me with an after eight. it was a real back handed complimint.


was admiring my image in Madame Tussauds when one of the Beverley sisters stood next to me. As you can imagine, I was beside myself with Joy

A mad axeman has been prowling the corridors of our local hospital. Luckily police have been able to ward him off.

I get a terrible craving for food every time I see a painting of "the scream". It gives me a bad attack of the Munch's

In 18th century France, anyone with writers block faced the quillotine.

The doctor ejected me from her surgery this morning telling me I am a total hypochondriac. I have no complaints.

My father had a lifelong obsession with studying the effects of magnetism. Personally, I simply couldn't see what the attraction was.

Walking along the Seine I heard a voice shouting "M'aide, M'aide. I have no idea if someone was in trouble or whether it was a cry for help.


The Kids have suggested I try a clinic in Switzerland they've heard about. Some new treatment apparently where you are pelted with eggs, I am assuming, as it's called eggs hit or something. I am assured that once you begin treatment there's no going back.

My neighbour is a coldstream guardsman and a real smart arse. I keep telling him to get off his high horse.


I've given Janet the task of cleaning out our septic tank but I can see from here she is only going through the motions.

I'm studying philosophy, and sculpting in wood in the hope that one day I may be able to carve out a Nietzsche for myself.

I was going to turn down the offer of a transplant until I had a change of heart

My mate and I have given up arguing about hosting farting competitions after having serious, clear the air, talks.

I get turned on by tragedy. Friends are horrified that one day I will come to grief.

Why sob silently? use a megaphone for crying out loud!

Communism was never going to work. All it consisted of was a ridiculous amount of off the cuff re Marx.

Yesterday the consultant asked me if I had difficulty passing water. I said no. He handed me a bottle of evian and asked me to pass it to the receptionist on the way out.

Janet wants me to build a fence on Blackpool beach to give the working animals a safe rest place . Buggered if I'm doing all the donkey work


I named my German Shepherd bugger off. Every time I call him he runs away. I suppose it serves me right. Still, give a dog a bad name.

Since it rained, the snails in our garden now seem less sluggish.

We camped for the night at 28,000 ft when climbing Everest but next morning I was alone. The rest of the party had disappeared into thin air

I was wealthy in the days when I used to wear flamboyant, wide, flared trousers but now I have to admit being in dire straights.

My neighbour is French. He sat on a baguette last night and ever since he has been racked with pain.

I bought a new dog. It's hard work training it. It just gives up without trying. I'm thinking of calling it quits.

I want to buy some of those antennae things that ants have. Could someone put out feelers for me please?

When I showed him my teeth the dentist knocked one out. Next time he masturbates when I have a check up I'll report him.

Homosexuality in the police force is a copper bottomed certainty.

Sightly blue comedians often tell off colour jokes


As a busy binman working all the hours God sends, I have no spare time meaning all my hobbies are just collecting dust

I'm sick of my partner farting in the office. It's time for clear the air talks.

Jimmy Hill lives next door. His wife often pops in for a chinwag.

Ten minutes ago I had a Chinese Whispa. Now I want another one.

Unfortunately paedophilia can be child's play.

I'd sign one of those donor card thingies but can't help thinking I may be chancing my arm

. I lost my job as a newsagent when the the union came in and operated a closed shop agreement.

As an amputee I lost my job modelling gloves as I was accused of being light fingered.


I lost my position as a toilet attendant for continually sitting down on the job

I lost my job as a brass rubber as all my efforts disappeared without a trace

I lost my job as an air bed attendant for continually letting people down

My business selling herbs on the local beach failed as Thyme and Tide wait for no man.


Frisbee --- Afro American hair stlyled buzzy insect.


I lost my job in the "Hole in a Dyke Company" as I refused to get my finger out.

I lost my job as a barman for standing a round

I lost my job in senior management at the Yale Lock Company as I was no longer considered a key employee.

I lost my job as a pun writer. I don't know why

I lost my job as a super injunction server as I couldn't find enough gigs.

I lost my job in the origami factory when the Company folded

I lost my job as bass player in a Jimi Hendrix tribute band as I didn't have enough experience.

I lost my job as an actor as I kept talking out of turn.

I had to give up one of my part time jobs putting fillings into pastries as I had my finger in too many pies.

I was far too suspicious as an actor and lost my job for reading between the lines

I lost my job as a patio fitter as I was always flagging badly.

I lost my job as a tyre inflator as I couldn't stand the pressure

I lost my job as resident eunuch in the harem as I hadn't got the balls for the job.

I lost my job as a fireman for having ideas above my station

I lost my job as a genealogist when my employers found out about my past


pigsty -------- part of the metropolitan police uniform

I lost my job making oxo cubes when the stock market crashed

I lost my job as a yoghurt maker as I lacked culture.

I got fired as a transplant surgeon when I lost heart.

I lost my job as astrologer to the Russian King as I couldn't read his Tsar sign

I lost my job making lcd screens when management began monitoring my progress

I lost my job making colostomy bags for taking the piss out of the customers

Since I lost my job as an architect I've begun making plans.

My idea for a new type of truss failed due to lack of support.

Big Mistake! Never tell the barber you want to "mull it over" when he asks what style you want.

I lost my job doing penis transplants as I gave everyone the willies

I couldn't understand why I was sacked from the Royal Mint. Then the penny dropped.

A good friend of mine started out designing patios and it eventually paved the way to making him very wealthy.

I was sacked from being Donald Trump. Why? Ivana clue

I lost my booking as the amazing perspiring man when the bookings dried up


I was sacked from the Portaloo Company after being made to carry the can

I lost my job as an extra acting as an ice cream salesman when I failed to melt into the background

We have a special relationship with America the same as a paedophile has a special relationship with his victim.

I lost my job as a catholic priest when parishioners found out the real purpose of the organ fund.

I lost my job as a newsagent when the the union came in and operated a closed shop agreement.

As an amputee I lost my job modelling gloves as I was light fingered.

I lost my position as a toilet attendant for continually sitting down on the job

I lost my job as a brass rubber as all my efforts disappeared without a trace

I lost my job as an air bed attendant for continually letting people down

My business selling herbs on the local beach failed as Thyme and Tide wait for no man.

I lost my job in senior management at the Yale Lock Company as I was no longer considered a key employee.

I lost my job as a pun writer. I don't know why

I lost my job as a super injunction server as I couldn't find enough gigs.
I lost my job in the origami factory when the Company folded

I lost my job as bass player in a Jimi Hendrix tribute band as I didn't have enough experience.

I just picked up a book called "the wonders of superglue" and now I can't put it down.

I got turned down by a woman selling figs when I asked her for a date

I used to pretend to be a lego salesman. They didn't know what to make of me.

I just had to turn down the opportunity of a partnership in a firm removing tree roots after felling as I couldn't stump up enough cash

A reluctant gay agoraphobic has one hell of a problem coming out.

My Gran gets confused in shops, always messing about in her purse. I think she's going through the change.

It's pissing down. I wish I hadn't shot the ducks flying over.

I decided not to invest in my local privatised prison as it was well past its cell buy date.

My neighbour has renounced his homosexuality and joined the B.N.P. He claims to be back on the straight and narrow.

The hotel I was to stay at refused to get me a memory foam mattress but despite this I refuse to let them get me down.

I tried to leave a sewing circle who were turning up dresses but the cheeky buggers hemmed me in.

I stopped making sketches of people having asthma attacks when I had difficulty drawing breath.

I used to enjoy switching my investments from one place to another but lately I seem to have lost interest.

I'm going to enter the erectile dysfunction world championships tomorrow. I'm confident but hope the competition is not too stiff.

My mate Sid is a total dick head. We measure everyone by his standards. I have nothing to do with anyone who doesn't pass the ass Sid test.

A neighbour and I collect for charities at weekends. Although not related we feel we are brothers in alms.

After a fall, I had a steel rod put in my neck to straighten it. It was a great success and I must admit I have never looked back since.

I understand that God has premature ejaculation issues. Something about a second coming.

The last time I danced people started to shove sugar lumps into my mouth.

I just heard two dolphins having a blazing row. Funny thing was, they were talking at cross porpoises.

I'm starving and have a fat and a thin weevil to choose from. It'll have to be the lesser of two weevils methinks.

Neighbours complain at my decision to put the bus stop at the end of our road but I stand by it.

Please forgive my indulgence but, in view of my current perilous medical state I have decided to make a bucket list. I'd like a spear and Jackson galvanised slop, a hoesht pvc 182mm diameter milk and a Althrop mop master (none allergenic), oh and a bucket and spade

I killed a bee about an hour ago and the bugger has just revived and is buzzing around my head trying to bite me. It's a sodding zombee

There is nothing matters more in this life than a burst boil

I love working in the disposal of old notes department here at the Royal Mint. I literally have money to burn.

I'm going to finish this spot with a tube of valderma.

My optician asked me what the red mark on the bridge of my nose was. "Glasses" I told him. "Why not try contacts?" "They don't hold beer"

I showed the removal firm the Health and safety guide when they refused to move my piano. They still objected but agreed to take a few notes

I went to give my dad a fathers day gift today. Well, I put some flowers in a wank jar at the sperm donors clinic.

Every year my daft kids play the same joke and send fathers day cards to the bloke who used to deliver our milk.

My wife likes to cover her face with a pillow during oral sex. She says it helps to cushion the blow.

It was a mystery where the duck feathers appeared from but eider good idea.

Our woodwork teacher used to bully us into making microphone booms until I decided to make a stand.

I can't resist joining in and running past anyone who doffs off at public events. I've always enjoyed a competitive streak.

My mate is a superb opening batsman but he has a secret underwear fetish. He is forever being caught in the slips.

When it comes to size of the tube connecting the testes with the urethra, there is usually a vas deferens.

When it comes to the crunch, you can't beat sex with good quality nuts.

I don't know about you, but I find late Victorian pornography very hard to come by.

Management at the orange juice factory didn't appreciate my sense of humour and I was sacked for taking the pith.

Since these nasty lesions started bursting on my skin, my wife has been so loving. It's true. Abscess really does make the heart grow fonder

Angelina has told Brad to lose weight as she thinks he has a fat arse. He refuses to saying he has no intention of being a bottomless Pitt

For his birthday I told my brother to reminisce over the happy times he spent lusting after Carol Vorderman. It's the thought that counts.

My mate's such a practical joker. He really enjoys a good wheeze. Wait until he finds out I stole his ventolin inhaler.

I almost had the record for the most snot anyone has managed to keep up their nose for an hour and then I blew it

In this PC world, is it wrong to say Adele should facer problem,reduce her bytes, no longer ram in food and become a little more Compaq?

My wife has insisted I take her out tomorrow night. Fair do's. Anyone know a good hitman?

My Canadian policeman friend was obsessed with guessing the size and weight of things. I guess that's what make amountie.

Almost finished my book about "famous winds of the world" I'm just working on the final draught.


When the chips are down, you haven't taken the feathers off your crispy duck.

We refused to share our colanders despite dire threats from the boss. He was confused by our none pass sieve resistance.

Our local church was burnt down by hooligans using fragrant, aromatic materials. Priest, father Burns said, the whole Parish was incensed.

Been trying to put up some coat hooks all morning. I just can't seem to get the hang of it.

Really enjoyed my first bout of shadow boxing. Hank Marvin wasn't quite so keen.

My wife's upset because I keep seeing someone behind her back. The bugger runs away before I can get my hands on him though.

I have three abacuses. I actually have four but one is broken so it doesn't count.

I just woke up and found myself covered in a milky sticky substance. I started to panic. I don't know what came over me.

I hate having my morning break with my boss, an angry tree surgeon who only eats starters. He's always barking out hors douvres


My main job is testing out sound systems at rock concerts. After this one I have another one too one too.

The lawyer asked the judge for leniency and a short stretch for his client. The judge agreed and he was subsequently hanged.

I wondered where my next meal was coming from until I found the homeless shelter. Then, there it was, handed to me on a plate.

I can't resist putting on my Turkish Red hat every morning. I hope it's just a fez I'm going through.

I find a pebble makes an excellent contraceptive. I put it in my shoe and it makes me limp.

I made a witty remark to my neighbour about his new toupee but it went right over his head.

Police are investigating a brutal attack on a woman involving dried fruit. A spokesman said it was the worse case of date rape he had seen.

I won a years supply of macaroni in a game of pasta parcel.

Following a nasty burn Dr's asked if I would be a donor for a grafting donation. I agreed. Well it's no skin off my nose.

I had a telesales message asking me to pay £2.00 per month to help in clubbing baby seals to death in Canada. Bloody cull centres.

Weird. New soil has been dumped on my allotment three nights in a row. No-one admits to dumping it. Police are baffled. The plot thickens.

A sexy neighbour flashed me this morning. Great boobs and wonderful smile. I can honestly say I am over the moon.

When studying the periodic table I am truly in my element.

I made a fortune in raw gold in the far east. Japan? No, it was just laying on the surface to be picked up.

Just back from the cop shop. Misunderstood the mrs. when she replied "decking" when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.

I'm told that my obsession with stealing doors is unhinged.

When I am really angry I find that boiling a kettle enables me to let off steam

If you lose your dog he can be traced by dusting prints after calling a paw trait painter.

I was desperate to get up early and repair the pavement this morning but the mrs insisted I kerb my enthusiasm

My dad talks ****e constantly. I'm sure he has irritable vowel syndrome.

I couldn't remember what the break of day was called when suddenly it dawned on me.

I've invented a safe disguised as a washing machine for money launderers.

I'm sure I have a gay poltergeist in the house. It's giving me the willies

I was arrested for stealing 50 flat car batteries but the police decided no charges were necessary

Just tried to stitch up a damaged silk purse and made a real pigs ear of it.

As songwriters start to get old do they gradually decompose?

Crazy paving isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Competition at the annual anagram competition was fierce. I couldn't get a word in edgeways

I was very disappointed when play.com sent me my purchase, "Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits". Turned out to be a load of songs.

Although not the best candidate, I got the job at the hen plucking factory. My appointment has really ruffled a few feathers

I work at a transform clinic and volunteered for a pioneering testicle transplant. It failed and this morning the *******s gave me the sac.

The doctor prescribed me suppositories to cure my constipation. For all the good they were I may as well have shoved them up my arse.

Lambs are being given counsel for their gambolling addiction.

My wife was a useless burglar. She didn't have what it takes.

I recently fell out badly with a mate of mine who is related to Isambard Kingdom Brunel. I hope that soon we will be able to build bridges.

I just got a bit part in a new film. I just hope I can cope with all that horse saliva.

Despite working behind bars for 20 years the judge sentenced me for selling alcohol. He said it conflicted with my job as a prison officer.

I asked our local, golf playing, chimney sweep what his handicap was. "Central heating" he replied.

My best mate just scared the **** out of me. With friends like that, who needs enemas?

I can always count on my good friend Abby Cuss.

We thought a case of diphtheria had been discovered in our village today. Tests turned out it was only a carrier.

My wife couldn't understand how I got so drunk at the pub after only one fill up. She didn't appreciate the full pitcher.

I want to apply for the job at the registry office filling in for missing fathers at weddings. I have misgivings about the position..

When Bob Dylan lived next to Chris Evans he became a real nuisance. He kept knock knock knocking on Evans door.

People keep knocking on my door asking me to sort out their marital problems. It's a pain in the arse living in a former counsel house.

It's a shame Roscoe Tanner isn't still playing tennis. He could duet with Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Singa Tsonga Sixpence.

I love big butts. They hold so much water.

Apparently standing outside their front door shouting "Your clothes are ****e" is not what Primark regard as a fashion statement.

A warrant has been issued for my arrest for not believing police evidence against me. Apparently they want to take me in for questioning.

To cure my kleptomania I was sent on a piano tuning course. It was easy as the instructor was blind and just kept asking me to take notes.

I hurried hoping to do a brass rubbing on the bow of grounded ship in the nearby harbour but I was too late and it sank without a trace

After flattening it in a metal press, staff at the hospital were pleased at my recovery, giving me a big hand when I left.

I'd bend over backwards to be able to stand up straight.

"Brown and puckered with a pink tinge" is not the reply I expected when I asked my female work colleague about her ring tone.

My mouth spouts nothing but inane rubbish since I had my wisdom teeth removed.

A remembrance sunday vendor has been acquitted for indecency with his paper flowers. The judge said the prosecution was a load of poppycock

I'm having some designer underpants made and asked the designer for an estimate. As he's only done the gusset he gave me a ball park figure

I used to get donations from neighbours for clearing snow from their paths in winter but now it's summer it's become a slush fund.

I've started a stud site for breeders wanting their chickens fertilised. Originally free, I now have to charge a fee to make hens meet

As he is now 90 and disabled, sponging off my dad has a totally different meaning to when I was a kid.

I got sacked as a British rail police investigator for reading between the lines

I've been racking my brains trying to think of a good phrase to describe how my mrs. sometimes rubs her boobs across the top of my head.

I'd love to wear a toupee but I'm afraid to let my hair down

My kid failed to get job on the new filming of Thunderbirds so it looks as if I'm going to have to pull few strings.

Our discredited local cervical cancer specialist was demonised in a very effective smear campaign.

It's only necessary to beat around the bush when your pubic hair is in fire.

I was so far behind in the world wall pointing championships I decided to throw in the trowel.

I completed my first marathon yesterday. It's true about hitting the wall. Agony. I hope Berlin pulls the rest of it down before next years.

Extra marital sex is a high as 45% in Florida U.S.A. That's a terrible state of affairs.

I have diarrhoea and premature ejaculation. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

All the hours are really great in my opinion but, at the end of the day, midnight is best.

My dad is so predictable. We played charades last night and he mimed a sapling swaying in wet earth. The man is such a stick in the mud.

My wife's breast augmentation was a disaster. She should never have told the foreign surgeon she wanted them to look ship shape afterwards.

My friends met whilst processing luncheon vouchers. All they ever seem to do is chit chat.

My friends met at a factory producing light switches. Their relationship has been on and off ever since.

I checked on my mate who is 12 hours into a darning socks marathon. Asked how he was feeling he said he was so so.

The lady of the night expected me to pay a fortune for her services. It was a surprise for her when I only left a small deposit.

My neighbour is an angry, epileptic, dyslexic and is always shaking his fits at me

I can't find a collections of short notes I wrote to introduce some books I reviewed and I'm completely lost forwards.

I got writers block writing my autobiography so I have adopted a novel approach.

I bought one of those pay as you go phones and it's run out as I haven't had a **** for a week.

Does the minister for health sit in the medicine cabinet?

Ron and Russell Mael were sat near me, arguing madly in the airport departure lounge. When they boarded, the Sparks really began to fly.

I left my job making devices to open doors as I couldn't handle it.

I've been waiting ages to hear how my interview went at the tennis racquet repair shop. I fear they may just be stringing me along.

I had a hobby doing silhouettes of people with scissors and cardboard . I made no money as I wasn't cut out for the job.

Pimples aren't so important but boils matter.

Our local undertaker put a body in the wrong plot yesterday. They have put their hands up and admitted to a grave error of judgement.

My philandering pal pretends to be at the golf club when being unfaithful to his wife. Luckily for him he hasn't been caught playing around.

You know that bloke who cuts your hair? I take my hat off to him

A local man has been arrested for interfering with fish. He said it started when he was a child and he became hooked on prawnography

Big noses run in our family
.
Mrs. doing volunteer work this morning for cat protection. Little buggers piss all over your door if you don't pay up every month.

A mate of mine dies after falling into a vat of fermenting cheese. He tried to stay afloat but was whey out of his depth.

I would have loved to have been a successful doctor but I just don't have enough patience

My investment in a new type of notice board is looking promising but I'm not pinning my hopes on it.

got a job as an extra playing an ice cream salesman in a film. My role was to melt into the background.

Want to know an funny story about a thorny subject? Thistle amuse you.

My bloody car keeps stopping and starting then going into a spin. I think it's the brake dancing

The inventor of the low cistern toilet was initially flushed with success

I can be a very belligerent market trader when I set my stall out.

I always keep the scales on cooked fish when I want a balanced meal.

You can count on the fingers of his right hand the number of views I have in common with Abu Hamza.

A horse walks into a bar after a particularly badly botched transplant operation. Barman: Why the lung face?

I, of course, always assumed that. The American space programme was all shuttlecocks until they finally sent a woman up.

I used to have a job lifting the lead singer of the Animals when he was drunk but eventually I couldn't carry the Burdon.

I've written a brilliant play about a dog walker. Can you suggest any suitable to take the lead?

Buskers often earn good money, at the drop of a hat.

My interview didn't go well. He asked me to make myself at home. The farting annoyed him but insisting he made my tea really pissed him off

The first spot the ball competition was held in the Blue streak Harem, Egypt in 1427.

The last thing an actress wants during a gynaecology examination is a big hand.

I wasn't able to offer money to the man collecting for the hernia awareness charity campaign but I was happy to offer him my support.

The woman surgeon who gave me cornea transplants was gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

The editor was irate when I returned from an interview with a tape of the celeb chewing his dinner. How was I to know what a sound bite was?

I was hoping to use my experience as a tailor to launch myself as a stand up comedian but unfortunately I didn't have enough material.

I like to eat it nice and slow, my dopiaza curry, but must admit, when it turns to ****, it exits in a hurry

I pushed a mixture of turmeric, cardamom, and galangal up my bottom and ever since I have been walking rather gingerly

There has been a spate of robberies at houses belonging to 1980's over hyped pop and rock stars. Police as we speak are dusting for Prince

Whilst travelling in Iran I had an argument with my wife and she left for Iraq alone. Things are so bad now and there is a gulf between us

Wife just asked me to separate two eggs. I didn't even know that the little buggers were fighting.

My dad was same when the National Anthem was played by a brass band. He simply wouldn't stand for it.

Our neighbours were talking to us through gritted teeth last winter. The council snow plough had the spray turned up too high.

I passed out on the waterslide at Blackpool pleasure beach yesterday. I hate those wooden log carriages. I was overcome by flumes.

My eldest was born nine months after my wife had the flu. Though feeling dreadful she still wanted sex. The pregnancy was ill conceived.

My mate writes dreadful furniture reviews for DFS. He's a terrible armchair critic

Proceedings at the world masturbation championships were halted today when two contestants began to argue the toss.

In France Rabies is all the rage

I know a dyslexic homeless PDF writer who has no fixed adobe

I blame the Queen for it constantly pissing it down. Even our National Anthem asks her to rain over us. Get a grip

Builder told me my house urgently needs pointing. I'll sleep on it and decide which direction to take tomorrow.

I'm doing a three legged race tomorrow tied to a mate who is a superb runner. We are bound to win.

I am finding this pamphlet on how to attach steel girders together quite riveting.

Testicle transplants? That's a whole new ball game

I just had one of Walkers new "Heather and Peat" flavoured crisps. They are very moorish.

Another tip for mac users. Undoing the lowest two buttons enables a quicker flash and getaway.

My barber wants to give me a new style with hair short at the sides but long at the back. I need some time really so I can mullet over

I love my new bic biro, It cures all my writing fears, it works on any surface, and scoops the wax out from my ears.

I've just been expelled from the master guild of Tarot readers. To be fair, it's been on the cards for a while.

Did you hear about the woman who contacted the official receiver when she was told to fold her ironing board up?

Apparently one of my friends suffers from curvature of the spine. I have a hunch who it is.

My doctor tells me if I don't eat more fibre I'll end up constipated to a dangerous level. Personally I don't give a ****.

My hospital consultant was a former Road planner which explains why he told me I needed a bypass in a roundabout sort of way.

I'm worried as I tend to orgasm very quietly. My wife assures me however that sighs don't matter.

When walking barefoot where cheese has been dropped, it is advisable to tread Caerphilly..

The weather has varied so much today I've worn five different sets of clothes whilst cutting down a tree. I'm sick of chopping and changing

Sky News: The queen had been on the throne over 14 years when David Cameron was born. It must have been one hell of a curry.

Following a tip off, police have smashed a gang accused of multiple buggery attacks by taking the ringleader into custody.

Just heard about all those deaths in Syria. the Italian football authorities really need to clamp down on hooliganism.

Walrus trainers who pass their exams gain the seal of approval

French Peters crack under Pierre pressure.

My unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year old won't smile and shows no interest in girls. I'm worrying he is emosexual.

My lad complained like buggery when we enlisted him into the army. I am sure he said that one day he wanted to be a vet.

I think it is absolute folly, to class the obese as all jolly, I think it's just dire, to own a spare tyre, and push it around in a trolley.

In my long gone youth I was healthy if uncouth, Now every single day more of me rots away and I've got a broken tooth.

Asked what they wanted for Christmas M.P. Jake Berry said Berries, William Cash said cash and Therese Coffey, coffee. Ed Balls said **** off

Marty McFly loved flower arranging and was famous for his roses but he always ended going back to the Fuschias.

My Chinese neighbour only ate seafood after being trapped under stream roller. He became a crustacean.

To aid in the delivery of baby pigs it is a distinct advantage to be ham fisted.

Those who are guilty of cupboard love cannot complain when they are left on the shelf.

My mates fire breathing act was described as "rubbish" He was quite put out.

My dad used to tinkle on the ivories. His incontinence pants were useless.

The local chicken pox sufferers club is advertising a shingles only night.

My budgie was a bugger for flying into my tropical fish tank. I eventually had to knock him off his perch.

I was employed as a detective at a bedding factory investigating theft of sheets. I spent most of my time working under cover.

The audience were quite impressed at the ladies boxing championships until the referee knocked one out.

I bought a dvd from the market. It had a patch on it and was covered in salt and what looked like parrot ****. I think it was a pirate copy.

I asked the barman for a stiff drink. The viagra cocktail hit the spot.

I fell in love with a woman who assembled light switches on an assembly line. Ours was an on/off sort of romance.

I complained loudly to the decorator about the standard of his work but he just glossed over it.

I see those Irish family popsters have joined the charity brigade but feel that the name "Corrs for concern" is a little flippant.

I knew a scary frenchwoman who wore bread underwear. It was from a boo lingerie.

Following a lawn mower accident I kept falling over without warning. After tests, doctors advised me I was lack toes intolerant.

Sight sound, touch and taste were all a turn off to me until therapy helped me to come to my senses.

My wife's stutter means she has trouble with words like fellatio. She just can't get her mouth around it.

My drooling dyslexic mate was shocked to be given a tambourine when he believed he had joined the salivating army.
Children with special needs should be trained as bakers.

Just did some trading on the stock exchange. I just swapped a box of oxo cubes for a box of bisto.

My wife is in hospital having a CAT scan. I told her that her arse was too big and to be careful where she sat.

As a member of the Town's only gay male voice choir, I can confirm that we really do all sing from the same him sheet.

My wife and I couldn't think of a theme name for our forthcoming party. We've decided to call it a do.

I got told off yesterday when picking my nose. The surgeon was adamant that the one I chose wouldn't suit me.

My mate lived alone in a lighthouse for three months. Eventually he went stair crazy..

I'm just too tired to keep this Irish funeral celebration going. I simply cannot keep a wake.

The surgeon who wanted a sample of my brain tumour was out of order. I really gave him a piece of my mind.

My mother in law died yesterday from poisoning. It was inevitable one day that she would bite her own tongue.

Putting hydrochloric acid on her handkerchief sure wiped the smile off my wife's face.

I gave an editor all my one liners. He read them then covered them with his copy of the Observer. I fear he was papering over the cracks.

The architect was sacked when the building inspector fell into the cellar. He had misunderstood the request for no flaws in the plans.

I have a dreadful addiction to masturbating into jars of Hartleys strawberry jam. I got caught in Tescos but they are keeping a lid on it.

I met my wife on a morse code course. We were happy at first but then she left me. She said I'd started sending out the wrong signals.

Incompetent vaginal swab analysers have confessed to starting a badly flawed smear campaign.

Today's march by the pro teabagging anarchists is expected to end up with heavy police use of ketteling.

I will be shortly be expressing a doubt or choice between alternatives. That is the end of the whether forecast.

In mediaeval times torturers worked to a punishing schedule

Before I developed Parkinsons disease I used to love a glass of milk. Now it makes my stomach churn.

The inventor of alphabetti spaghetti insisted that when he died he wanted to be buried at C.

My wife accused me of masturbating whilst reading a book. I argued with her that I was only having a scratch and I'm sticking to my story.

I've written a playfully quaint, fanciful, appealing, amusing short story set to music and dance. I suppose you'd call it a little whimsical

A nasty bug is going round, I hope that I don't catch it, It's from a thrush, affects the bush and makes you want to scratch it.

My dyslexic neighbour went for a jog but ended up working in Sainsburys.

My Chinese neighbour turned to seafood after being trapped under stream roller. He became a crustacean.

Those who are guilty of cupboard love cannot complain when they are left on the shelf.

My mates fire breathing act was described as "rubbish" He was quite put out.

My dad used to tinkle on the ivories. His incontinence pants were useless.

The local chicken pox sufferers club is advertising a shingles only night.

My budgie was a bugger for flying into my tropical fish tank. I eventually had to knock him off his perch.

I was employed as a detective at a bedding factory investigating theft of sheets. I spent most of my time working under cover.

The audience were quite impressed at the ladies boxing championships until the referee knocked one out.

I bought a dvd from the market. It had a patch on it and was covered in salt and what looked like parrot ****. I think it was a pirate copy.

I asked the barman for a stiff drink. The viagra cocktail hit the spot.

I fell in love with a woman who assembled light switches on an assembly line. Ours was an on/off sort of romance.

I complained loudly to the decorator about the standard of his work but he just glossed over it.

I see those Irish family popsters have joined the charity brigade but feel that the name "Corrs for concern" is a little flippant.

I knew a scary frenchwoman who wore bread underwear. It was from a boo lingerie.

Following a lawn mower accident I kept falling over without warning. After tests, doctors advised me I was lack toes intolerant.

Sight sound, touch and taste were all a turn off to me until therapy helped me to come to my senses.

My wife's stutter means she has trouble with words like fellatio. She just can't get her mouth around it.

My drooling dyslexic mate was shocked to be given a tambourine when he believed he had joined the salivating army.
Children with special needs should be trained as bakers.

Just did some trading on the stock exchange. I just swapped a box of oxo cubes for a box of bisto.

My wife is in hospital having a CAT scan. I told her that her arse was too big and to be careful where she sat.

As a member of the Town's only gay male voice choir, I can confirm that we really do all sing from the same him sheet.

My wife and I couldn't think of a theme name for our forthcoming party. We've decided to call it a do.

I got told off yesterday when picking my nose. The surgeon was adamant that the one I chose wouldn't suit me.

My mate lived alone in a lighthouse for three months. Eventually he went stair crazy..

I'm just too tired to keep this Irish funeral celebration going. I simply cannot keep a wake.

The surgeon who wanted a sample of my brain tumour was out of order. I really gave him a piece of my mind.

My mother in law died yesterday from poisoning. It was inevitable one day that she would bite her own tongue.

Putting hydrochloric acid on her handkerchief sure wiped the smile off my wife's face.

I gave an editor all my one liners. He read them then covered them with his copy of the Observer. I fear he was papering over the cracks.

The architect was sacked when the building inspector fell into the cellar. He had misunderstood the request for no flaws in the plans.

I have a dreadful addiction to masturbating into jars of Hartleys strawberry jam. I got caught in Tescos but they are keeping a lid on it.

I met my wife on a morse code course. We were happy at first but then she left me. She said I'd started sending out the wrong signals.

Incompetent vaginal swab analysers have confessed to starting a badly flawed smear campaign.

Today's march by the pro teabagging anarchists is expected to end up with heavy police use of ketteling.

I will be shortly be expressing a doubt or choice between alternatives. That is the end of the whether forecast.

In mediaeval times torturers worked to a punishing schedule

Before I developed Parkinsons disease I used to love a glass of milk. Now it makes my stomach churn.

The inventor of alphabetti spaghetti insisted that when he died he wanted to be buried at C.

My wife accused me of masturbating whilst reading a book. I argued with her that I was only having a scratch and I'm sticking to my story.

I've written a playfully quaint, fanciful, appealing, amusing short story set to music and dance. I suppose you'd call it a little whimsical

A nasty bug is going round, I hope that I don't catch it, It's from a thrush, affects the bush and makes you want to scratch it.

My dyslexic neighbour went for a jog but ended up working in Sainsburys.

My Chinese neighbour turned to seafood after being trapped under stream roller. He became a crustacean.

I went on the Mothers Pride walk last year and got sandwiched between two protesters.

I'm thinking of changing my hair style. A stone one would be more practical as the number of walkers has increased substantially lately.

I've been sacked by the local garden centre for not looking after the lawns properly. They gave me no warnings. I was just turfed out

I was thrown out of the magic circle as they said being dyslexic meant I couldn't spell properly.

When the Dr. asked me to come in short pants for my examination you can imagine my embarrassment at the misunderstanding.

I am opening a Hogwarts themed cafe with food served in flatbread. It's called Harry Pitta's

I've opened a themed cafe called cravats. We serve Thai food.

Just got back from the docs. I Had one of those annoying floaters in my eye. He told me to stop drinking out of the toilet bowl.

Kids are at a petting zoo. I'm fondling the mrs. next door at the heavy petting area.

Those golfers are pathetic taking a caddy with them every time they play a round. Why not make it easy and slip a flask in the bag?

Competitors in the German sausage eating championships have taken a turn for the wurst.

Damned Chinese car mechanic told me I had headlight problems. I bought new bulbs. Turned out I needed Hedrin and medicated shampoo.

They are casting locally for a production of the vagina monologues. I'm hoping to get a part in it.

Our local Chinese gangsters are looking for new members so they are going to triads in the local paper.

Golfer just took out a driver on the fairway. Bloody idiot shouldn't have parked there.

Ian Poulter had a 69 yesterday at the golf. It was a blow for the rest of the field.

Apparently panelists really enjoy recording "Q.I" but are never happy to go for a fry up afterwards.

Just got a quote of £3250 to have the house painted. Decided a photograph will be cheaper.

My pointing business has gone to the wall.

A thief dressed as a court jester stole our money from our lockers. We chased after him but he lead us a merry old dance.

I just got a job as P.R. for a firm marketing a new type of bicycle wheel. I am now their official spokes person.

My new business venture in producing Kangaroo meat is coming along in leaps and bounds.

I once spent the evening with Sir Thomas Clark, the leading researcher into Alzheimers and it causes. It was a Knight to remember.

There are positive benefits for circumcision of bull elephants once you have dealt with the huge drawbacks

I had a dog that used to love airports. It was a real jet setter.

Bacary Sagna's parents have no sense of fun otherwise they'd have christened him Les.

I agreed to try out one of those lie detectors to test it. It failed miserably. The boffins said it was due to underlying software problems.

Marriage eh! Got into bed last night, kissed the mrs on the cheek, looked at her naked body and said, "I remember when this was all feels"

The most generous place for charitable donations in the UK is Andover

That's the last sodding time I'm having dinner here at the nuclear plant staff canteen. I am sick to death of fission chips.

A rival stole my dads formula of aromatic plant materials, combined with essential oils and he was absolutely incensed.

When my wife said she wanted to hit the sack I had no idea how painful it would be.

I swallowed a load of seawater whilst swimming off Calais during the summer. Now I'm being treated for Gaul stones.

A lorry driver from Prague has just crashed into the Mill Gates causing damage. I've rung his firm and told them the Czech is in the post.

Was really worried about my offshore sailing navigation exams but I sailed through them.

The teacher who gives me a poor report for my thesis will be in real trouble, mark my words.

I hated Shakespeare at school and when I realised we were moving from his plays to his sonnets, things went from Bard to verse.

Dad was well miffed when I married my girlfriend from Seoul. I didn't realise I misheard when he said I should find a career.

To reflect their huge popularity, the South Pole will remain the Antarctic but the North Pole will be renamed the Decarctic

I paid £100 for some comfy shoes made from freshly skinned natter-jack. They are the most expensive open toad sandals I've ever bought.

I dated a German girl once. She was beautiful but, despite her sexy clothing she wouldn't let me touch her. She was dressed up to the neins.

I caught my mrs checking herself out in the mirror today wearing her new all in one bra and pants set. She was basquing in reflected glory.

Paris has thanked its backers and opened its first exit clinic for terminally ill patients. Merci killings is open Monday to Friday

In the original Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell had profane Siamese twins in the lead role. Publishers objected to her two Rhetts idea

My brother was sacked when he went off the rails. The tram drivers union have taken up the case.

Germans now agree that following the launch of the Euro, they were far to quick off the mark.

I detest the architect down the road. He keeps copying my plans for radical new designs for cathedral entrances. He's my real arch enemy

My mate Stan is very gregarious and wears a cap which he never takes it off. Sometimes I wish he was more Stan doffish.

Just passed a junction with a notice saying there were 52 deaths there last year. It's a worrying sign.

I've invented a sandal for women with very short legs. Flip Flaps go on sale next week.

My dyslexic mate went to the shop to buy new Hells Angels gear but ended up buying a compass and protractor.

We have had French exchange kids staying all week. They have no manners but they'll be gone soon. You have to be grateful for small mercies.

Darn it! I've spent all morning trying to compose a letter to the seamstress to have my sock repaired but I can't remember the method name.

My mute mate, who has Cerebral Palsy, was ejected from the local school for the deaf. Apparently it was for foul and abusive language.

We had a drapers in our village when I was a kid. Many a time we used to drape ourselves around it.

When was Africa's best drought? We only hear about the worst ones.

I also like to have sex over the photos of dead Princesses. I am Disexual

After eating a cupboard full of oxo cubes I'd been saving, I noticed a lump sticking out of my bottom. The Dr thinks it may be part of a stock pile

My new Company offering stocktaking services, employing only dwarves, is launched today. I've called it "It's the little things that count."

My dyslexic neighbour was invited to a PTA meeting and ended up taking dancing lessons.

After leaving his workers and factory behind him, Oscar Schindler complained of feeling listless.

Madonna is reprising her role as Eva Peron but not in Argentina but in a small town in East Sussex, England. It's to be called Ryvita

Doctor says I have an iron deficiency so I'm going to start biting my nails more often.

I got straight through to the second round of the world leaving the room championships. I got a bye in the first round.

I cannot understand people who are lactose intolerant. It must be really hard for the poor people to keep their balance.

Police are investigating a brutal attack on a woman involving dried fruit. A spokesman said it was the worse case of date rape he had seen

I had a telesales message asking me to pay £2.00 per month to help in clubbing baby seals to death in Canada. Bloody cull centres.

I made a fortune in raw gold in the far east. Japan? No, it was just laying on the surface to be picked up.When the lady of the night standing at the side of the road stopped my car and asked me if I was doing business I asked her how she knew. She told me the smell gave it away when I wound down the window.

The best way to cause pain in and crush the testicles is to use a ball pien hammer

Having to pay a fee to use the bypass on the M6 near Birmingham is beginning to take it toll.

When it comes to climbing over walls, I like to do it in style.

When it comes to toilet functionsI can't tell a vas deferens since my operation

I had a blow out on the motorway yesterday. I was, of course, on the hard shoulder

I used to love the strange tasting nuts at my Grandma's house until I discovered she was sucking the chocolate off the treets.

Eczema and athletes foot are diseases of the mind. Follow me for this and other rash statements.

My mate masturbates over his computer at images of deforestation. He is continually logging off.

Latest News: A dyslexic rioter who stole scrabble from W H Smiths has been sentenced.

Latest News: Tottenham rioters accused of breaking into White Hart lane changing rooms have been given Bale.

Breaking News: Man given two year sentence for stealing church bells during London riots is set to appeal

I failed to get a job in the local thermometer manufacturing plant as I didn't have the right degree.

Breaking News: Government urges courts to hand out longer sentences to people who refuse to use full stops

Just had a eureka moment. Alternative for viagra users. Helium filled condoms. Rise to any occasion. Just working on the patents

My studies into the bottom shapes of fairies, goblins and elves is now at an impasse.

Just reading a book about rabbits with myxomatosis and how it affects their bowels causing diarrhoea. It's called Water **** Down

A bloody chandelier came loose just now and whacked me across the head. I've been feeling light headed ever since.

My mate celebrated the removal of his colostomy bag by splashing out on an expensive meal.

I asked the mrs out for a walk and she turned me down. I can't win. I told her I'd only take a half set of clubs to make the bag lighter too

I asked for Grease proof paper today at a local shop. The assistant gave me a map of Athens and ten euros.

Me and my wife love turtles but can't agree on the best type to keep. We seem to be at permanent loggerheads.

Now Elton John has a little boy I hope he drops "Don't let the son go down on me" from his repertoire.

The world diarrhoea championships are very exciting this year. It's end to end stuff.

I know a dyslexic record store owner with attention deficit disorder who loves Angus Young. He suffers from hdad dc ccad

Strangely enough Mark E Smith, leader of indie band the Fall, has never performed in a large tent

As an apprentice bowel surgeon I have to start at the bottom.Membership of our masturbators club is ageing but fortunately we have some good up and coming prospects

Ended my tea break at the community service class. The villains are at a still life sketch class. They're yawning. Back to the drawing bored

I tripped backwards and sat on an abacus which impaled itself up my arse. Doctors are counting on me making a speedy recovery.

I failed a drug test before the UK triple jump championships. They really caught me on the hop.

My mate writes short stories about the teeth he extracts and calls himself the authordentist

I fell asleep in a field and was almost killed by a tractor dragging chains with hooks on. It was harrowing.

I can't see the point in giving long sentences to people who cannot read or write

I just bought a DVD of the Royal Philharmonic. The cover has a warning "contains scenes of violins"

I am an agarophobic kleptomaniac which means that every time I go out I have to steel myself.

Spies are only allowed to wear woven overcoats as it is a security risk to use anything that can be suede.

Three knights have been found murdered in a sticky substance with a consistency between solid and liquid. Police suspect a viscous sir cull.


Colleen Rooney's love of having a Brazilian and her husband is forever waxing and waning

My dyslexic incontinent friend always seemed to smell of this

I've written a book for deaf people. Hope to see you at the publishers tomorrow for the signing.

My mother was always known as birdie by friends as she was always under Pa.

My offer to investors of 0% return on any monies they invest with me has closed due to lack of interest.

Even though I am favourite to win the world brick carrying championships later this month I feel that the hods are stacked against me.

I always find that locking myself in the garden hut helps me to shed weight.

Prisoners who lie about their time spent incarcerated lack the courage of their own convictions.

Pork butchers have a tendency to be ham fisted

All interest in Crouch staying at Tottenham is beginning to peter out

I could never understand why you always saw Aristotle Onassis stuck on board a ship until I found out he was a shipping magnate.

The local viagara plant has run out of an essential chemical and volunteers have been forced to down tools.

A French visitor has left me a note with "le" written on it. Does anyone know if there's an app for that?

I went to the Oktoberfest in January. It was surprisingly quiet.

Deciding whether to have either Galaxy or Dairy milk is a bit like a colostomy victims legs. There is nothing to choose between them.

Bloody hell. I've just found out I've got Parkinsons disease. If you see him, tell him I want my disease back.

My neighbour decided to come out of the closet. It made the hallway rather sticky unfortunately.

My mate says I am a shining wit. At least, I think it was that way around.

I wrote a novel about a room I have under my house. It's already my best cellar.

I'm sick of gardening in the rain. It's time to throw in the trowel.

I got so fed up with sitting around doing nothing all day, I decided to take up meditation.

I was seeing a woman on the side at my local amateur dramatics group until my wife caught me in the act.

Cannibals in Tahiti ate the early missionaries. it was their first taste of religion.

My wife is rarely outspoken. She doesn't stop talking long enough

My bachelor neighbour says bigamy and monogamy are the same thing. They both involve having one wife too many.

My dad runs an antiques shop. Every time I visit I piss him off by asking him "what's new?"

I dreamt last night that I was a thief. It was so vivid that, this morning, I had to pinch myself to make sure I was awake.

Fish scales are a tasty addition to make a balanced meal.

I was hoping to take a dive in my first boxing bout but my opponent beat me to it.

I just ate a sandwich which tasted very strange. I think it was inbred

A bloke from our local Kwik Fit has just won the UK Disc Brake dancing championships.

In her spare time my wife likes to hang out with friends. The topless W.I. group is not a pretty sight.

I got completely the wrong idea when a neighbour told me he was messing around with his cat flap.

Hypnotists rarely go to auctions as they get someone else to do their bidding.

Our local dyslexic Jewish handyman will only but his goods from the local Y.I.D. store.

I put a new fuse in the vacuum cleaner plug without turning off the power. I suppose I was Dyson with death.

Inventors at our clockwork toy manufacturers claimed to have invented a self propelled toy engine. It turned out to be a wind up

Hurricanes. Slow down.

I just completed 25 years at the local mailbag manufacturers and they gave me the sack.

I am struggling to keep up at the world masturbating championships but judges agree I am making a decent fist of it.

My Chinese craftsman is brilliant at making chain mail suits for my civil war re-enactment but lately I have seen a few chinks in his armour

Our attempt to make an acceptable Australian styled business suit is not quite there yet but we are making great strides.

Barry Gibb tripped out smoking herbs in the 70's and heard voices. He eventually wrote "chive talking" as therapy.

Each time our dog farts, there is a terrible smell of escaping gas. I knew I should have got one that was corgi registered.

I made a glue that enabled sharp shooters to draw quicker on opponents. They wanted a less tacky formula but I refused and stuck to my guns

Bloody students. I just paid £2 for this years rag mag. It turned out to be a tampax brochure.

Our butcher is gay but his mince is terrible.

My mate and I both came up with a witty name for Halifax Town's ground at the same time. To Shay.

I can't find my dictionary. I am so annoyed I am lost for words.

last weekend we did a fantastic "Chubby Checker" murder mystery at a friends house. There was a hell of a twist in the tale.

Expensive boats are best kept under loch and quay.

My neighbour just won the annual draw at her office cleaning company. It was a tidy sum.

I just bought one of those really fashionable dogs. It's a trend setter.

As a highly trained toilet attendant and part time translator, I was paid to watch my P's and Q's

I made up a joke about Audley Harrison but it lacked a punch line.

Just lost out on Ebay bidding for a pair of Julia Roberts unwashed knickers. I didn't even get a sniff.

I almost buggered up the robbery attempt bringing nitrous oxide not oxy-acetylene by mistake. We were laughing all the way to the bank.

I just shoved gooseberries and cream up my arse to make a fool of myself.

Shocked to learn my brother joined a silent order of Trappist Monks. I phoned to try and dissuade him but he refused to speak to me.

My mate is such a raving atheist he has changed his name from Christian to Godfrey.

I want to run in the 100 metres at the Olympics so I've nailed some blocks into the garden to practice. Not done much but it's a start.

They cut away a piece of me, I needed no persuasion, I hope one day, to be able to say, I rose to the occasion.

Just had a look at some copies of "Parade" from the 1960's It was nice to have a wander down mammary lane.
I went to visit the prime minister of Ireland al all I got was this lousy Taoiseach

When it comes to the crunch, turtles make better pies than tortoises.

My Mum and Dad when to dyslexics world and all they bought me was this lousy 2 shirt.

I have a huge boil on my bum but, compared to my runny nose, it hardly matters.

I could start doing the cha cha cha given half the chance

I've started an embroidery class where we also practice public speaking. It's fairly experimental sew to speak.

Mrs B and I had a long discussion in bed last night on the benefits of feathers over man made fibres and duck down. We enjoy pillow talk

Me and my mate are betting on which table finishes their meal first at the pub restaurant. I think I'll win but it's just a waiting game.

Sprinters are amazingly fit but I think that marathon specialists are fitter in the long run.

Stately homes are excellent venues for lectures in a manor of speaking.

Playing golf, I have never heard anyone called a male parent "my old man" even though it is Pa for the coarse.

Prisoners often misinterpret phone messages as they take them out of context.

I never understood the clean and jerk. I always do it the other way around.

My wife cried bucket loads of tears when she cracked her shin trying to climb a stile into the next door field. She's over it now though.

Damn damn damn. I am so tongue tied. First time in a brothel and I ask the girl "Do you come here often"

I hate the noise from those bloody Hare Krishna's. I'm going to tell them to shut up. They may be angry. It's a chants I'll have to take

The horrible customer who orders toast has come into the cafe. Smart arse. He wants two slices. He'll have to wait. I'll get a round to it.

Some men with exceptionally large penises often make a ringing noise when walking naked, or so I'm tolled.

When asked if I'd prefer to live in either Amlwch or Llanrwst I must admit it's fairly hard to say.

I don't know. People who can't reach very far. You've got to hand it to them.

Say what you want about morals in schools but they all have principals.

I used to picture myself as the head of a copper tubing firm with an overflow waste business on the side. Sadly they were only pipe dreams.

When I told my composer father that I wanted to appear in period musical theatre, he made a real old song and dance about it.

Alcoholic barristers are rarely called from the Bar

I got a job in a factory testing whistles. First time I tried I was sacked!

I kept getting infections from the UPS delivery girl. It turned out she was a carrier.

They have invented a medicine to quieten queef coughs. It's called cunnylinctus.

I couldn't understand why the deck of the ship constantly smelled of fish until I realised I was on board a panty liner.

Since I had my left leg amputated I can't help feeling out on a limb

Last time I climbed Ben Nevis I spoke only in whispers in case I was overheard by the mountaineers...

Butchers are gambling that raising the height of counters will increase sales through product placement. The steaks are high,

Looking at the Jackson children, the only genes of his they have, are safely folded in the bedroom cupboard.

I have received a letter from a guy in Australia who wants to exchange one liners with me. We are officially pun pals.

Newsflash: Man found guilty of stealing 5,000 Viagra tablets from a Hounslow chemists is told by the judge to expect a stiff sentence.

I had to give up performing on the stage. I kept frightening the horses.

Contestants in three legged races are bound to win.

I have a strange walk. It causes back pain. Doctors said sport was the only way to help improve my unusual gate so I took up fencing.

After a road traffic accident the police always measure the skid marks to ascertain the collision speed. Top Tip. Hide your underpants.

I kept tripping every time I heard music by a popular Irish brother and sisters band. it was worrying then I stumbled across the Corrs.



My neighbour has made a room in his house completely out of toast. He's going to show me a round.



My mate joined a blind campanologists club. One of the women grabbed his penis by mistake yesterday and he was tolled off.



I've been trying to come up with a revolutionary false limb for amputees but at the moment I am completely stumped.



I was scheduled to give a talk to the Mothers Union on the Rhythm method of contraception but unfortunately I had to pull out.



I'm glad I'm not a toilet brush, with bristles on the end, You spend your time all caked in **** after they've driven you round the bend.

I was struck off from the Royal College of Gynecologists when I continually went in to flap during examinations.



I will not stop wanking whilst practice goes on for the rifle shooting in 2012. There is a principle at stake. I have to stick to my guns.



Cheryl Cole, Nadine Coyle, Sarah Harding, Kimberley Walsh, Nicola Roberts. Oh so sorry. I didn't realise that I was thinking out aloud.



The local Masochists and sadists Preservation Society has run into financial difficulties so I am organising a whip round.



I've set up a service offering retired M.P.s and senior Bankers, women prepared to offer oral sex risk free. I've called it jobs for the boys



Whilst I appreciate it must be difficult and cause problems for asylum seekers trying to settle into this country there are benefits too.



The mystery behind the composition of Bolero is beginning to unravel



When my mate said he had hit the jackpot I already knew as I could see it running down the edge.



I'm trying to write a book but I have no opening line, Starting a book was easier, once upon a time.



I had two personal different pieces of bad news to tell Siamese twins once but I couldn't tell them apart.



I get fed up of the same old pudding with every Sunday dinner. Still, mustn't crumble.



What's the difference between a little Dickie bird and Always Ultra super absorbent pads? One flaps its wings, the other wings its flaps.



I've entered a dance competition where a woman I fancy is competing. With a bit of luck I'll have her knickers in a twist.



My Mrs. said she wasn't hurt by my cleverly worded insults so I threw the dictionary at her.



At twenty I had plenty. At thirty I was flirty. At forty I was naughty, At fifty I was shifty. God my sixtieth is gonna be a bugger to rhyme



I've been writing a play about a murder that takes place in lonely marshland but I'm getting bogged down with the details.



watched the Tinker tailor film all about a plant in Mi5. Bloody daft it was. It was obviously the aspidistra in reception.



I told too many jokes at the S.T.I. clinic gala last night and was slow hand clapped.



I couldn't think of a word for less soft. My teacher told me I must try harder



I invented a truth serum that I thought would be a winner but it turned out to have underlying problems.



Never get into an argument with an aggressive gay man. They don't tend to mince their words.

People tell me I have a huge problem when people ignore me but I disagree and tell them it is only a slight problem.
I'm not sure what type of artificial limb I will be getting following my accident but plans are afoot.
Necrophiliacs are dead annoying
When it comes to being knocked down in a boxing ring, you can count me out.
My mate asked me how he could improve his snooker cue action so I gave him some tips.
dietician --- dreadful attempt to copy Italian painting style
In my early 50's I developed an unhealthy interest in women who delivered babies. A psychiatrist dismissed it as a midwife crisis.
bespoke --- The buzz word
Michael Hutchence is the perfect example of what happens if you drink inxs
Just got the playing order for the world IVF tennis tournament and disappointed I am not one of the seeds.
Just been to the cinema to watch a sad and very poignant film about a French onion seller. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Just left my job at the local nuclear plant and they have kindly given me some glowing references
Just come up with a solution to open manholes. It's a grate idea
Just been appointed chief designer for an Australian trouser manufacturer. The directors believe together we will make great strides.
I'd like to convert the roofspace in our house into a room.. I have always had lofty ambitions
I asked my fellow domino players what was the use of a piece with no dots on it but they all gave me blank looks.
I argued with a mate about the route sewage in Grimsby takes to the sea. It's not resolved but I suppose it'll all come out in the wash.
Women with loose hanging hair. Get a grip.
I was an early favourite for the running in a straight line marathon but following an injury I have ruled myself out.
Just read a fantastic novel written by an ex Pickfords employee. It was a moving story.
I got a part in a film playing myself but I have to wear an outrageous cod piece in a scene. I hate making cameo appearances.
The Gyspy fortune teller was not happy to receive a face full of horse **** when she asked the lone ranger to cross her palm with Silver.
Thieves have stolen a huge quantity of sand, cement and gravel from a Halifax Merchants. Police hope to soon have concrete evidence turn up.
I'm starting a septic tank appreciation society. All members must be able to mind their own business.
I can't help thinking that Jude Law would have been very unpopular in Nazi Germany.
I just bought a plasma TV. It has to have a blood transfusion every week or the picture fades.

My partners at our gusset makers are insisting on thinner material being used. We used to be in harmony but the cracks are beginning to show
Playing cards down at the osteoporosis day care centre brings a whole new meaning to a game of snap.
The siege at the worsted trouser makers in Wolverhampton is largely over although police are still encountering pockets of resistance.
I've always wanted to buy a duck feather duvet but I can't even afford the down payment.
I'm writing an expose about a an American rock band who wore ridiculous face paint and a Swiss hero cross bow user. It'll be a kiss and Tell

As a Tourettes sufferer with a weak bladder, I have to constantly mind my Pees and queues.
I hated it when I worked at a dried fruit processors. Everyone kept asking me for dates.
Just waiting to hear from the patents office to register my new design for an abacus. I'm counting on it being a success.
I love my wife's right leg. I also love her left leg but since she had a hysterectomy I haven't been able choose between them
My partner continually fantasises about having sex with a Welshman. I'm beginning to wonder is she could be Dai curious.
I prefer to make love to my adorable Betty by taking her in the conifers and also in the privet. I love to hedge my Bets.

I'm chasing a reward to find the killers who used coconut chocolate bars to choke their victims. There is a bounty on their heads.
I asked a girl in the red light area whether she was "doing business". Yes she replied and asked me for a toilet roll and a plastic bag.
We have a local second hand shop run by a woman who shows her breasts for any bits of old rubbish you bring in. She calls it Tit for Tat
Our local PTA asked for volunteers using beach hand puppets to explain masturbation to kids. I complained vehemently and pulled no punches.
When I was born, My Dad wanted to call me after his dad but my mother refused saying Afterhisdad was a silly name..
Every time I walk the dog, other owners copy her style. She's a real trend Setter.
Asked, at a press conference, whether he would be giving answers, Chief Constable Grimes replied "Without Question"
Kent police say that 24 cross ply and radials were stolen from the forces car wheels yesterday. They will work tryelessly to catch the thief
Vegetarians are such hypocrites. They won't eat dead flesh yet continually eat meals with pulses.
I keep refusing surgery at the local hospital and they want to cancel future procedures. I objected as I want to keep all op shuns open.
My mate wants me to put money into a new design of kite he has developed but I can't help thinking he is just stringing me along.
Had a number two. On my head. From the barber. Fortunately he is not on twitter and didn't misunderstand me.
I just got the contract to clean and maintain the Mills industrial chimney. I intend to bring about sweeping changes.
Should I buy shares in or take a partnership out with a playground equipment manufacturers? My advisor says it's swings and roundabouts
prostrate ----- price charged by ex formua one driver for lectures
My mate was determined to take up square dancing but I managed to talk him round.
My long service present from my employer, a maker of plumbing tools for giants, echoed my feelings on retiring. It was a huge wrench.
Nicolas Sarkozy is to form a French version of the U.S. Tea party at the next election. He will run Teacosy party
Whilst in Austria I asked, in my best German, for "Ein Zimmer bitte". They gave me two walking sticks and a disabled parking sticker.
X Factors Tulisa is to join the BBC as the long overdue replacement for animal impersonator Percy Edwards. The BBC are using her for NDubz.
When it comes to growing top quality, award winning mushrooms, the French are the champignons.
The cravat manufacturers I invested in are losing money fast so I have decided to sever all ties
One rarely sees Germans in groups of four. They seem to live in vier of it.
People with husky voices are excellent at barking out orders
I forgot to buy the kids fireworks for New Year but, after explaining the situation to them, they let me off.
The journey was made exciting when an escaped convict ran down the aisle of the plane. It later turned out to be the in flight entertainment
We stayed in an Austrian castle whilst on holiday. Beer was cheap so we were Schlossed for the whole week.
Austrian butchers have brought out a sausage made from seabird meat. It's a tern for the wurst.
VW have brought out a car that can only be paid for by money donated to charity. They are calling it the Volkswagen Passat Round.
My mate works in the local sewage plant. When people ask him what he does for a living he tells them he is in between jobs.
Read the amazing biography by a Jewish priest who composed beautiful poetry after being badly scarred in a fire. He's called Rabbi Burns
Anyone who didn't understand my earlier tweet about melted butter, please d.m. me and I'll clarify it for you
Just signed a contract with the Chinese to import pressed wild flowers. The whole venture is now cut and dried.
Apparently, football playing ants never progress beyond grass roots level
My wife forgot to attend her slimming world class today. She is simply wasting a weigh.
The National Truss society is appealing for unused appliances to send to Africa. I am lending my support.
In medieval times. people sentenced to a spell in the stocks always looked for the eggs hit signs as they were locked in.
A group of little ****s have formed a Steve Marriot tribute group. They call themselves the Small Faeces.
Nissan have brought out a new car aimed at the nostalgia market and expect sales to go with a bang. The Nissan Hut is launched in February.
I always find my shed is a good place to keep my inhibitions.
Listening to Ossie Ardiles speaking is like someone taking the piss out of Ossie Ardiles speaking.
Our fullback got sent off for urinating against the upright. He misunderstood being told to mark the post.
The vet just told me about an amazing article describing the treatment given to a very poorly dog. He couldn't put it down.
Just went out for lunch with a manager from Dow Jones. She spent all the mealtime trying to play F.T.S.E. with me.
I can't remember what the order, the instructions given to me by the chemist to stop my scalp itching are so I'm starting again from scratch
Police have advised the public not to approach a mental patient who grafted limbs of dead people onto his shoulders, as he is heavily armed.
Disgusted at ASDA. I took a scarf back today, as it was too tight and they refused to change it.
I can't decide whether to give up work and become a full time writer. It looks a good choice on paper.
I wanted to join a monastery of devout individual praying monks but they told me I had no chants.
My mate is a useless burglar. Even after a ten mile run he couldn't even break into a sweat.
My clock would only tick after I spilt a gin and tonic on it. It's now undergoing detox.
In 1692 Purcell wrote "The Fairy-Queen" widely regarded as being the first soap opera.
I have reported the local hospital A and E department for racism. The middle of my leg has gone black and they say it is a knee growth.
Just bought a camera with a zoom lens and I can't catch the bloody thing.
The client didn't like my portrait of him saying there was too much light on his face. He was happy however, once I drew the curtains.
I invented a truth serum that I thought would be a winner but it turned out to have underlying problems.
What's the difference between a little Dickie bird and Always Ultra super absorbent pads? One flaps its wings, the other wings its flaps.
My attempts to find a suitable sexual partner are meeting with mounting opposition
Just checked out http://www.optrex.com. It really is a site for sore eyes.
Q) What famous musician and composer went on strike in the 1980's opposing Thatcher and supporting Scargill? A) My Coal Field
n a pub quiz I couldn't think of a single poet ending with the letters w o r t h. When I saw the answer I was totally lost for words
shellfish, crabs, crayfish, sea anemones, starfish, and snails are all bottom feeders so make sure you only ever paddle up to your knees
Someone in the office just laced the Chairman's tea with liquid laughing gas. It's caused a real brouhaha
Barbers are now selling self inflating condoms for men who want something for the weak end
Our local brothel has a room for ladies with weak pelvic floors. Due to the discount prices the girls are known locally as the tenner ladies
My mate became a priest and was court martialled whilst serving on a submarine under the North Pole. He was accused of in sub ordination
I just read an article about an androgynous man with mood swings who reached the north and south poles . He was the first bipolar explorer.
Strategy in tiddleywinks is all counter attack.
Police refuse to say how a man, found dead with a book in his hand on railway track, died. I think it was suicide, reading between the lines
My mate played a Venetian Blinds salesman in a local play and was so good he took twelve curtain calls
My mate took six weeks off work saying he had been kicked by a cow. Personally I think he was milking it.
Is bootleg alcohol brewed from socks and sweaty feet?
I've written a silent Christmas play about a pair of knickers. It's the first ever pantymime
Just slipped on an onion soaked in vinegar. I can't get up. I'm in a real pickle.

I just won first prize in the long distance yodelling championships. It's a far cry from my previous challenges.
I get turned on by tragedy. Friends are horrified that one day I will come to grief.
I'm thinking of calling my new low key bucket shop enterprise "pails into insignificance"
My Uncle wants to leave his estate to me whilst my Aunt wants to leave it to my sister. I have no idea who is winning this battle of wills.
Until my operation I thought scar tissue was something you wiped up with after wanking over a poster of the Specials.
I just got a copy of the magnificent seven, with Brinner's photo on the sleeve, covered in Chocolate Cake. It was the Yule log version.
I've written a film script set in WW2 about a short love affair between poultry breeders in a station. It's called brief hen counter
Gardeners at stately homes are into haughty culture
The British womens menopausal 4 x 400mtr relay team are having difficulty in training going through the change.
Apparently, due to a poor breeding season, Petrel prices are soaring this winter
Police were tipped off about an illegal defecation contest but the raid was unsuccessful as the contestants had already scattered.
There has been a break in by activists at the Bic Biro plant. Police advise things are under control and the rioters are penned in
Although knighted, I had little confidence in my surgeon Sir Gerry Newbie
My ailing car breakdown "get you home" service is on the road to recovery.
We play a version of knock out whist where every time you lose a hand you eat a can of baked beans. There are no trumps allowed in the game.
Just been prescribed some new tablets made by the Testament Drugs Co. No idea if they are any good but apparently Moses swore by them.
A brothel has opened using only dwarves for the clients. Business is booming as there is plenty of action but no small talk.
After flattening my arm in a metal press, staff at the hospital were pleased at my recovery, giving me a big hand when I left
I'd love to wear a toupee but I'm afraid to let my hair down
All the hours are really great in my opinion but, at the end of the day, it has to be midnight.
My neighbour is an angry, epileptic, dyslexic and is always shaking his fits at me
Eczema, Impetigo, dermatitis, Psoriasis and ringworm. I'd like to make it plain I am not responsible for these or any other rash statements.
Never get into an argument with an aggressive gay man. They don't tend to mince their words.
I've entered a dance competition where a woman I fancy is competing. With a bit of luck I'll have her knickers in a twist.
The mystery behind the composition of Bolero is beginning to unravel
Competition at the World pepper Milling championships was tough but I managed to grind out a result.
I watched the Tinker tailor film all about a plant in Mi5. Bloody daft it was. It was obviously the aspidistra in reception.
I couldn't think of a word for less soft. My teacher told me I must try harder
Don't eat fish and chips out of the Liverpool echo or they will keep repeating on you.
I've written a love story about two computer engineers who meet whilst installing new memory. It'll make a great ramcom for the telly.
Tight arsed neighbour just borrowed, flour, eggs, sugar and butter from us.I think she is making a sponge cake.
I entered the world ignoring people championships. It was disappointing how I was judged. I lost by ten points. I lacked a ten shun.
I understand that gay men are hopeless at practical jokes as they are unable to keep a straight face.
I've pitched a game to Channel 4. 15 identical boxes hold parts of female chefs and their names are guessed. It's called Delia or no Delia.
I'm opening a nautical themed dog grooming service specialising in wrinkly, short-muzzled faced dogs. I'm calling it Captain Pug Washes.
Even when my mate surprised us all by announcing he was gay, I refused to turn my back on him.
Illness forced me to miss both the Monte Carlo and Dakar events this year but I'm pleased to say the other drivers rallied round.
My mate is always asking pungent satirical questions. He has no apparent boundaries to his nastiness so we call him the the barbed whyer
For sale: Stamp Album. Seller Collects
Never play eyes pie with a cannibal.
Just got a photo of the Ipswich manager having a pint with a blonde in a pub. As a press photographer, for me it's the Jewell in the Crown
A local landlord refuses to rent to thin and bony tenants. I challenged him on the issue and threw down the gaunt let.
Viagra was a revolution in treating erectile dysfunction but testicle transplants are a whole new ball game.
I've just backed out of a course aimed to improve my reversing skills when driving.
Just read that pornography on the internet is going to be banned. What is the world coming too?
The bloke who raises the flag on the town hall pole is over seven foot tall. He sets really high standards.
I think my wife has trimmed her lady garden as her knickers are soiled.
My wife wanted to call our first kid Neil but I knew he wouldn't stand for it when he got older.
My mate was killed when he got trapped in an automatic door. It's his funeral today and hopefully we will all then have closure.
I thought Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells was over 5 hours long until I realised I had tinnitus
Just fell out with my partner over the content of our new dictionary. We had words.

My neighbour is a Vietnam Vet. I never fancy a curry at his house.

The Japanese version is always won by the "Who wants to be a millionaire" host. They call it Japan has Tarrant.

My wife always wanted a tumble drier so I stopped throwing buckets of water over her when I tripped her up.

substantial ---- Lend money to former Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band frontman.

I was shocked to hear there was a GCSE in animal husbandry. Gay marriage is one thing but this is a step too far.

I always thought Pick and Micks were more associated with canals than Woolworths

Young male offenders are being forced to make flotation devices for lifeboats as potential punishment. Talk about yobs for the buoys.

My Grandma made money by knitting covers for teapots. Customers used to cosy up to her for a good price.

I've been invited to a party where the only drink allowed is alcoholic beverage made from sugarcane by-products. It's a rum do.

I keep reporting deviants for voyeuristic activity in the lane but Police indifference is dogging any progress.

donkey ---- door opening device belonging to Mafia Godfather

Galpharm's new wonder drug has side effects. There are reports of temporary blindness and a desperate urge to to call to say I love you.

Late news: Dwarfs visiting prostitutes are meeting with mounting problems.

My pregnant neighbour answered the door in her nightie this morning. I had no idea she had been knocked up.

My mate played a Venetian Blinds salesman in a local play and was so good he took twelve curtain calls


I used to be friendly with a high court judge but, to be honest, he tried my patience.

I knew a gay monk who fell in love with a fellow brother but it went nowhere as the man of his dreams had a Prior engagement.

I just invented a new type face where the figures are both scary as well as wavy and wispy. I think I'll call it the Boo font.

I bought my mate a book on advanced mental arithmetic techniques. It didn't cost much but it's the thought that counts.

My visit to the local ironworks proved to be absolutely ore inspiring.

Just invented a revolutionary new type of pneumatic road drill. The design is absolutely ground breaking.

If you want to know how long it takes for a famous dead person to decompose there is a new book out called Ooze who?

My mate said I was like Douglas Fairbanks. I thought he saw me as "suave and sophisticated" but he meant I was a thief of bad gags.

Imbibed heavily yesterday on a mixture of fruit juice, wine and spirit in a bowl with fruit. Woke up with black eyes. I was punch drunk.

My mate Hugh Mann has no idea what his rights are

Does Cillit bang go off?

I got a new job at the Bic biro plant. I am chief feeler of felt pens.

I used to worry when I was younger, about losing my hair and teeth. Fortunately, my memory is still good and I remember where I keep them.

My next door neighbour is so slutty she always has a ladder in her tights for the dwarf that lives down the lane.

I hate doing crazy paving. I always end up flagging badly.

In preparation for Athens announcing the relaunching the Drachma, the Euro will be printed in future on Greece proof paper.

There was a heavy dew on our lawn this morning. Mrs. Golberg is a nosey old bugger.

Me and my wife got fed up of arguing what was the best way to emphasise something in writing so we decided to draw a line under it.

Despite being an award winning topiarist I refuse to rest on my laurels.

Damned sweary gypsy woman at the door this morning selling stuff. I had to take her down a peg or two.

Rangers going into administration? Is this a wind up?


I hate going out for a meal with my mate who works on the stock exchange. He is always playing footsie with me.

Roses are Red Violets are blue, Look there's a wasp, I have ADHD too.

It's disgusting that the BBC are discriminating against older women in programming. I know some older women with great tits.

I have signed up to be an organ donor. I never use this old Bontempi anyway.

I tried to think of the name of a game with dough in it but I didn't have a clue.

Just got winded by a brick. It turned out to be a breeze block.

The world duvet stuffing championships start at Wembley tomorrow. The BBC are giving blanket coverage.

My mate is so dumb. On remand in prison he spent hours on the gym treadmill when someone told him it was possible to break out in a sweat.

It's about time that Lou Harris stopped bragging about her bloody Emmy award.

I just tried out a bad gag on the Mrs. It was really bad as she could still speak.

Spielberg is following up the success of war horse with a film about Bobby Charlton's relationship with his brother called wor Jackie, .

If the F.A. insist that the new England manager must be fluent in English, does that rule out Roy Hodgson?

In restaurants it is rumoured than Sun reporters always pay the bill.

A thief wearing indoor shoes keeps nicking stuff from our shop. We can't catch the slippery little bugger.

I wonder if Hugh ever reciprocated the love that Whitney Huston was saving all her love for.

Who the hell is this Evans bloke and why should we be thanking him for little girls? Sounds a bit sinister to me.

Following the failure of the hedgehog flavoured crisps, Walkers have adapted the concept to produce prickled onion flavour.

I had only 3 minutes to last to win the "world hold a peanut up your nose" championships, then I blew it.

n bed a night, my left leg makes a series of profane noises. After an examination, the doctor told me I had very coarse veins.

I wrote a superb set of jokes about washing lines for my stand up debut but the lousy venue manager refused to let me use any props.

For fun, I often dress up as Sherlock Holmes and harass old ladies on the street. I always wear my old dear stalker hat.

I just got almost blinded in a taxi that was full of spotlights. It's the last time I use an acne cab.

I have invented a voice activated car. If you are mute there is an override button starter, it goes without saying.

I asked for a quote from the tailor for a new gusset in my trousers. He could only give me a ball park figure.

Just saw a bloke on a picket line who looked just like me. It was a striking resemblance.

Our local catholic priest complained of an increased heart beat every time he made a sermon. Doctors diagnosed pulpitations.

My Mum and dad were very cold hearted people. I think they were my froster parents.


My vertically challenged mate is an avid diarist and dresses as a dandy at weekends. We call him little Beau Pepys.

My mate has a book which has every known profanity listed. He swears by it.

Our local river crossing was designed by a female German pugilist. It's a box Gerda Bridge.

Russian peasants, when hit across the face by the Russian king, were often Tsar struck for weeks.

Just got back from the UK erectile dysfunction championships. I did well only getting knocked out in the semi's

I sent my mate out for drugs late last night but he cocked up and came back empty handed. He has terrible nocturnal E Missions.

Rumours of marriage between the daughter of Mr. T and Al Fayed's son have been denied. A spokesman for the couple say they are Miss T Fayed.

A single buttock had been found partially buried on Wimbledon Common. Police say the culprit had made a half arsed attempt at burying it.

Hopes of finding a missing demo tape by a popular irish family band are diminishing. A spokesman says it's now a lost Corrs.

I've given up trying to write a book about embroidery techniques of the 15th century as I keep losing my thread.

In Saudi Arabia, the punishment for giving a girl the eye is 40 lashes

Our carrier at work wears his jeans low cut. We call him foggy God because he moves in a misty hairy arsed way.

My mate said I was like Douglas Fairbanks. I thought he saw me as "suave and sophisticated" but he meant I was a thief of bad gags.

If you want to know how long it takes for a famous dead person to decompose there is a new book out called Ooze who?

Roadside Advertising Made Easy by Bill Boards
Bouncing off Walls by Rick O'Shea
Finding your own space by Terry Torial
24 hours from now by Tom Orrow.
A cup full of semen by Jack Potts
The Ex Virgin by Penny Tration
Dribbling at the Mouth by Sally Vates
How to Fade into the Background by Peter Out
A Gift fit for a King by Frank Incence
Feeling Sick by Billy Uss
Indian Tango Moves by Dan Singh
Treating itchy Spots by Callum Mine.
Improve your appearance by Luke Betta.
Decorative Door Surrounds by Archie Trave
Learn the Alphabet by Jayden Kaye
How to fleece a woman by Connor Outofvit
Modes of Transport by Oscar Andtrain
How to reduce staffing Costs by Isaac Emall
How to cut down on Calories by Finlay Spread
The Genius by Noah Lott
Popular Seaside resorts by Leon Sea
How to Mark your Cattle painlessly by Brandon Swift
How to Span a River by Bailey Bridge
How to get Noticed by Luca Titt
Just the Two of Us by Ewan Mee
Looking After baby by Mollie Coddle
Dirty Knickers by Esther ****ten. (This was a real person)
How to improve Breast Posture by Eva Mupp
Labiaplasty by Anita Flap
caught in the Act by Yvonne Urnikas.
Gender Separation by Ian Shee
Too Many Repeats by Ella Nuther
How To Reduce the Jail Population by Frida Prisoner
keeping flies off your rubbish by Lydia Dustbin
How to stop a Ship Sinking by Mandy Pumps
Cross Dressing by Nancy Boyes
The art of Book reading by Paige Turner
Do it Yourself by Ahmed Thiss.
What Can you Buy for Just Over a Penny by Arthur Sixpence
Plain Speaking in Church by Benny Diction.
The Joys of masturbation by Gloria Swank.
Can You Tell what it is Yet by Drew Badly.
Sewage Disposal made easy by Dwayne Pipe.
No to Boycotts by Geoffrey Area
Gym Wear by Leo Tard
Exam Results by Marcus Fairley
Going over the Top by Austin Taycious.
Crease Free Outdoor Wear by Angus McCoatup
Perfect Chips by Crispin Side
How to make a Grave by Doug Aditch
Keeping Allergy Free by Dustin Daley
Crash Helmets by Edgar Ding
On the Toss of a Coin by Edwin Tailslose
Keep your car Safe by Garry Jdoor
How to Turn the Tables as a Matador by Igor Bulls
100 Uses for Puss by lancelot o'Boyles.
How to Stay Alert by Luke Sharpe
Coping with the Menopause by Mahmood Changes
No V.P.L. by Nicholas Bottom
How to Keep the rain Out by Rufus Ahome
The Perfect Cake by Xavier Aslice

My neighbour is using my BT broadband service tonight and I am using his virgin cable. I'm well into this wifi swapping.

I'm addicted to tree felling so the doctor has advised me to cut down a little

Our local school of motoring is offering a crash course. Seems a little pessimistic to me.

Just launched a new group called the flotation devices. I expect them to be the ultimate in buoy bands.

My wife prefers to make love like Sting, by ranting angrily and throwing a hissy fit. Personally I don't care much for this tantrum sex.

Gossip columnists report that Ashley Cole and Anne Diamond are seeing each other after meeting at a carbon dating agency.

I've invented a new lube for carnivores flavoured with bacon. It's spreads really well but tends to go crispy and make the sheets streaky.

My mate just rang and asked me to call round. He is stuck in his wardrobe. I told him to hang in there.

A new undertakers and chip shop has opened locally run by Chinese. They call it R Kelly's. They bereave they can fry.

I heard a Georgie talking about Warsaw. I asked him how he enjoyed Poland but he was actually trying to to find something to cut wood with.

I'm reading a funny book by the bloke who wrote Tess. Its about plants that live for more than two years. It's a Hardy perennial.

My mate takes a hip flask to work. He also takes a trendy lunchbox and designer bicycle clips.

My mate who is hard of hearing, got into hot water when he was asked for a date and took out his next door neighbours cistern.

I have asked a Mafia lawyer to handle my personal injury claim. They offer a no win no feet service.

Staff caught red handed with over £10,000 worth of oxo and bovril cubes said they were only stock taking.

I asked the girlfriend for phone sex this morning but she refused until we are engaged.

I then phoned her asking if there was any chance of a 69 tonight but she said I had the wrong number

When scientists announced the successful growing of a cats foot from foetal tissue, there was a pregnant paws.

My boss just told me he had a great deal for me and handed me my cards.

I've been arrested for farting in a mosque. My solicitor thinks it's a trumped up charge.

I asked my German friend why he thought that the future was looking good and he told me he had a gut feeling.

A dodgy curry meant that Beethoven's sixth symphony had five movements instead of the traditional four

I went on an artificial insemination course at a local farm. I couldn't get the hang of it but next time I'm sure I'll pull it off.

During the war then navy wanted to reintroduce a super sized cat o nine tails to install discipline. A huge backlash prevented it's use.

Went for an interview as a pearl diver yesterday. It went quite well but I'm not holding my breath.

My dyslexic, breast fetish friend has been going to the local church for weeks. He's stopped now I've pointed out it isn't a Baptits Church.

The actor who played Micky Miller in Eastenders has made a short adventure film about the metal clasp on a sandal. It's a real swashbuckler

My dyslexic friend wanted to lose weight but ended up in a cafe where a gay voyeurs club meet called watchwaiters.

My wife bought me a stovepipe hat for my birthday. I've had the flu ever since.


My Dad was furious when I married my girfriend from Seoul. Apparently he actually told me I needed to get a career.

I thought of a great wheeze down at the asthma clinic today.

I love the sensation on my fingertips when I prise the memory card out of my phone. It's the sim pull pleasures that are the best.

With his pay off the ex Chelsea Manager now wants to be known as Andreas Two Villas Boas.

I've written a script set in WW2 about a love affair on a train station between a poultry breeder and a herdsman. I call it beef hen counter

Last time I was in Paris I saw an electicity pylon with loads of naked women draped over it. I had no idea it was the eye full tower.

The doctor told me to write down what I ate to find out why I am constipated. It was a great idea as I can now work it out with a pencil.

Just had some broth made by Norman Cook, Alistair Cook and Roger Cook. It was terrible.

Stayed at a B&B last night and it was full of impersonators of Lisa Minellis ex husband. Bloody Gest Houses.

A meeting of the National Union of Railwaymen was called off at Euston Station when a delegate took the platform.

If you are caught plagiarising a dictionary, the courts throw the book at you.

Our gay neighbour calls his house Tudor Pillars.

What did been sprouts used to be?

My epileptic brittle boned friend went into a stupor whilst playing cards last night but I managed to snap him out of it.

I ordered sea food at a restaurant last night and I was charged protection money before it was served. Bloody Kray Fish.

The first rule of fart club is to never follow through on your threats.

I used to have a job picking up anorexic people when they collapsed but lately work has been thin on the ground.

When I first met my wife, her eyes were like glistening jewels. I completely forgot what I metaphor.

You don't live longer by giving up alcohol, meat, dairy products and sex. It just seems longer.

My mate's mother is Austrian and his Dad Indian. He's a superb classical composer but shuns the limelight. We call him Haydn Sikh.

My Lorry failed it's M.O.T. The police caught me driving it and are taking me to court. Buggers are simply jumping on the banned wagon.

Not only was I amazed to hear of a proposed hosepipe ban I was astounded to learn that prostitutes prefer to use them rather than cigarettes

I just got back from the dentist. He says my teeth are covered in yellowish plaque. I fear my secret fetish of licking war memorials is out.

Before using the services of the ladies in Amsterdam, I like a pint of Directors Bitter. Nothing beats a little Dutch Courage.

Our local school turned down my dads offer to talk about his wartime job as they felt that a spiv wasn't a proper occupation.

My mate was taken to court for selling electricity generated by his own farts. The judge threw it out saying the charges were trumped up.

My cousin Eileen didn't know what Bukkake was until a Dexy's Midnight Runners disc played at a party.

I used to have a loaf of bread on a lead to keep me company but, since I started slicing it I am left with only crumb pets.

I didn't want a starter at the third Reich themed restaurant but I had no choice other than to obey hors d'œuvres.

I thought a stunner in the changing rooms was seducing me with her dress over her head but it seems she was only trying it on.

I thought I had a bargain when offered a nuclear powered watch for £50 but it turned out to be a wind up.

The rumour I have made a mattress filled with millions of stolen Kleenex is a tissue of lies.

acoustic --- pole used to make pigeons sing

Of all the wooden Prime Ministers we have had, the most realistic was Pitt the Elder.

When Eric Morecambe became involved with Luton Town he tried to Bayern Munich.

I'd like an ankle transplant but I can't afford to foot the bill.

American generals in ww2 gradually got more and more aggressive until it was inevitable that a Patton would emerge

I attempted to ask for a 69 in a Bangkok brothel but ended up tongue Thaid.

I had ambitions to be a Formula One ace but I lacked the drive

Lemons are disappearing fast. This tasty fruit is in danger of becoming extinct. Trees are being felled every day. Send £2 to lemon aid now.

Cenotaph -- Brazillian/Welsh racing driver

crudities --- poor taste poems

intersperse --- White Hart Lane follower

In her last book, Enid Blyton had Big Ears slayed. His body resides in a Noddy Holder.

In my opinion circles are absolutely pointless

Poor Gerry McCann. Now he is criticized for storing petrol

I got a job as a baggage handler at Manchester Airport when asked by my tutor to undertake a case study for my course work.

Once you have assassinated one knight of the realm you just cannot stop. It's a vicious sir Cull.

With the price of diesel going up and up Dervla Kirwan must be worth a fortune.

A stoke city player will only meet women in derelict houses. Dilapidated them.

Chris Kamara has a permanent toilet attendant at his house. He's a Kami Kazi Pilot.

I used to enjoy hobnobbing with my wealthy neighbours until I burnt it on a halogen ring.

When I see white spots my mind goes blank then everyone else follows. It's like a domino effect.

I was sure I saw Stuart Goddard in a shop this morning but he was adamant I was wrong.

Canada has made a small Island off the coast a haven for all types of deer. It's called Elkatraz.

I'm doing a stage play of Hitchcocks "the Birds". The crows keep losing plumage but luckily we have plenty of spares ready in the wings.

One of a pair of identical twins has died and left our campanologist group. Luckily he was a dead ringer for his brother who has joined.

There are police at the door and the neighbours after my blood but I can confirm there are at least 47 different ways to skin a cat.

When the Lone Ranger celebrated his Silver wedding, guests were shocked when he took his horse up the aisle.

balderdash --- short sprint for the follically challenged

By night I steal double glazed units from people's windows. It's a panes taking process.

Due to bad health I owe the local herbalist a fortune for herbal remedies. I went to see the G.P. She told me I was living on borrowed Thyme

When my son told me he had a burning ambition to be an arsonist when he left school, I was appalled but now, I am warming to the idea..

I tried phone sex yesterday. At first it was a disaster due to my hang ups but I am now proud to announce we are engaged.

I suppose when the next Apple computer comes out we can expect none stop hype Ads.

I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.

orthopaedic --- writer specialising in stories about the male urinary system

A 6 foot 10 inch chemist described as "arrogant" by his employers lost his claim for unfair dismissal. He was just too big for his Boots

David Milliband's speeches are to be streamed live on the internet but will only be available if you have a boredband connection.







I bought my wife a South American camelid for her birthday. A Llama? Sure did, she nearly **** herself.

My mate Warren has a hare lip.

My mate has a chin that looks exactly like a pair of bollocks. We all call him cock eyed.

My mate has a speech impediment and is unable to tell talk from stutter.

Just sat on my Nokia. Now I know why it's called a smart phone.

Just opened my wife's wardrobe door and dozens of pastries fell out. She needs therapy for her choux fetish.

My greedy dyslexic, pasty guzzling friend was delighted when he entered a pieathon until the snake bit him on the arse.

Sexually demanding women are often left to their own devices.

I have a part time job at the local monastery using fabric softener on the recycled, dyed monks robes. It's essential as Old habits dye hard

Promoters refused refunds at a dinner when speakers Wynn Davis and Steve Wynn failed to turn up. "We were in a no Wynn situation" they said

I wish the mrs. hadn't breast fed the kids. The greedy buggers ate it all.

Does everyone believe that Wenger is the only post war manager to win the double for Arsenal or is it just Mee?

Extremely blood engorged male penis's are the shape of things to come.

I forgot kit when I went for javelin practice only having my shower bag. They refused to let me throw in underpants so I threw in the towel.

On University challenge I correctly answered, "3 soups, four pate and three prawn cocktails". It was my starter for ten.

A long apprenticeship in shop fitting can be counter productive.

I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.

Dr. Just gave me a diagnosis after I had been clipped on the leg by an Audi 80 outside the house. Apparently I am a little bit run down.

Our local curry house is owned by a man from Buenos Aries who has huge lumps on his feet. His signature starter dish is named Bunion Argie.

Just read a piece about Islam written by Abu Hamza. After the first paragraph I was hooked.

He couldn't keep the secrets under his hat that Kim Trilby.

John Nettles has just won the lead role in the new stage production of "The Sting"

My wife and her spoonerisms. She just came back from the pet shop with a dead bat and a small coffin. I sent her for a cat basket.


Plans to expand our local cemetery have passed the approved deadline.

The Everley Brothers new song is a mix of ebony eyes and Cathy's clown. I think the title "cathytereyes" is a bit of a piss take though

I recently had my bottom pinched but got it back after posting a reward.

Women who made love to the Captain of the starship Enterprise reported feeling the Dunkirk spirit.

I've made a beautiful cake out of dry dead skin. If anyone wants the recipe, ask me and I'll give you the instructions from scratch.

I met a bloke yesterday who claimed he was totally fluent in the language ancient dragons spoke. When he spoke however it was all hot air.

Chicago's Peter Cetera never actually finished a sentence.

I parked illegally in a brothel car park and had my nipples clamped.

Given the choice of attending a school reunion or wading through a septic tank, I'd ask for the depth in the tank before making a decision.

Susan Boyle's new musical is reviewed in the Lancet.

I am managing a really unfashionable band called the "Trend" in the hope that everyone will start bucking them.


I've been invited to a drag racing circuit. I don't know whether to wear a mini or go for slacks and a peep hole bra.

Barcelona will receive a Pep talk before next weeks match with Chelsea.

Dwight Yorke and Peter Andre are taking legal advice following the court's decision to send Abu Qatada back to Jordan.

An evil sod name of Abu, suggested explosives be put in a shoe, Really my dear, a better idea would be to put it from whence comes your poo.

I've got an idea for a cookery programme involving naturists hiking around the country making dishes. I'll call it the Barey Hikers.

My mate asked me if I wanted a malteser. I said yes and he took me to an Arndale centre to watch some girl in shorts handing out leaflets.

At last years Henley Regatta I won a months supply of chocolate wafer biscuits. I got third prize in the Blue Riband event.

I bought fourteen items in poundland and put on a stone.

Trouble with paper folding is there is no margin for error.

I always felt that Tuscany should be on the Ivory coast.

A superb cricket app I wrote for my iphone has crashed. Apparently it has been attacked by the ebowler virus.

Illiterate chefs often have ham and x as their signature dish.

The wives of French master bakers, at official functions, are only allowed to wear bluelingerie

Prick up your ears has a whole new meaning attempting oral sex with a deaf and blind woman.

Just had roast seabird for the first time. It was done to a tern.

I've been reading a murder mystery about a man who dies from cholesterol after overeating sandwiches. It turned out the butter did it.

Age takes you from dapper to diaper in no time at all.

I'm not sure if I have spelt watersking correctly so will you keep an i out for it please?

Damn stupid typos. I turned up wearing gardening togs, carrying a rake and trowel. The bride was not at all amused. I'm sure it said weeding

Last time I made love on the beach the sensations came in waves.

Anne Summers are offering a sex toy made from a zinc and copper alloy for people who are totally brassed off.

Gianfranco Zola was a great player and a sound bloke but I didn't like his cheesy brother Gordon.

I can't decide between cremation and burial for when I finally go. Personally, cremation is the hot favourite.

My secret of a happy marriage is to surprise your partner. For her birthday I took her to Majorca. For her next birthday, I'm picking her up

On our first trip to the Ionian islands, following a sip of malt whisky, later that night, my wife experienced her first Mull tipple orgasm

Bunions are winning the fight to make my feet sore but callouses are hard on my heels.

Our local bookies has now joined the electronic age and wants to be known as the Kindlies.

Tried an old electric scale on the street yesterday. I got on. 13 stones! Never. Tried again, zero. Again, zero. It was a one weigh street.

The north American Indian's idea for scalping came right off the top of someone's head

What a genius A A Milne was. He mentioned Poohsticks decades before the bowel cancer test.

Our local hay and straw store has applied to the EEC for a bale out

In public conveniences I feel it prudent to try and avoid eye contact with my peers.

Next weeks Formula 1 Grand prix will go ahead bar rain

Anne Summers are sponsoring an athletics event for men suffering from erectile dysfunction. They will be called the old limp dick games.

We have a local fortune teller who claims to read the future in people's snot. He calls himself Nostrildamus

My Dad was a spy and always used to wear combinations when disguised on a mission to a cold destination so MI6 moved him to a safe house.

I'm going to write my autobiography. It starts with a Morris 1000 two door in blue.

Apple have introduced a new phone that makes sarcastic remarks when it is switched on. It's the new Smart Arse phone.

A fart is natures way of telling you that you have urgent business to attend to.

I am quite deaf and was diagnosed with a narrow ear canal so the doctor prescribed a Panama hat.

I have written a short story of forbidden love at an M & S underwear department. I've called it "Briefs on counter"

In 1066 Britain was invaded by a doctor specialising in pedicure, William the corn curer.

Is Claire still Balding? She should marry Derek Hatton.

Nissan garages are expecting a flood of bodyshop repair business with the news that Micra chipping is to become compulsory.


I've just sculpted a beautiful bird statue out of bird droppings. I'm calling it a stool pigeon.

Just finished a screenplay prequel about a boy called Damian who is the Devils son but my agent says for publication the omens are not good.

I swear your honour, I had no idea she was talking about roast ham in scrumpy jus when she told me she wanted something hot in cider.

When I saw the Headline "Johnny Bairstow in England team" I wasn't impressed. Andrew Flintoff often bared his arse.

The only member of the Royal family who is allowed to take a lighted lamp to bed is is Eugenie.

Just cooked some rice, straight from the packet and it starting singing "I dreamed a dream" as it cooked. It was Boyle in the bag rice.

Cross and Blackwell were years behind Heinz in introducing tomato sauce and have constantly had to play ketchup.

My lazy idle neighbour noticed his septic tank was leaking methane He sat on it plugging it for hours. It's the longest he's held down a job

My ex used to taunt me with cries of skinhead, mullet mush, spiky ****, Mohawk mop and emo hair. I feared so much her cutting remarks.

Early medieval jousting contests were sponsored then chronicled by free lance reporters.

The Anglican church has announced that when they announced the ordination of Nicholas Parsons they weren't referring to commando lady vicars

The acorn is the fruit of the oak, and is smooth oval shaped in a rough cuplike base. That's it in a nutshell.

The world leader best known for his love of the violin and fraud is Fiddle Castro.

Old woman. What are you doing today? Old Man. Nothing. O.W. You did that yesterday. O.M I know but I've not finished. (old joke)

My neighbour Isaac Stein is very cultured. His wife Phylis is a loud mouthed, uncultured, bigot.

The doctor has advised me I have to stop bolting my food so I have removed the lock from the fridge door.

Damn confusing job titles. Being a lab technician didn't involve examining any women at all.

Just tried to make up a dish of corned beef with potatoes and onions but made a real hash of it.

I just unwrapped what I thought was a Chinese biscuit. Then it played, Yesterday, Help, If and S.o.S. Turns out it was a four tune cookie

It's a little known fact that actress Rula Lenska, when rehearsing, could only learn straight lines a foot long.

A lumberjack trapped under a fallen oak for 6 hours has been cut free. Drs say his condition is improving but he is not yet out of the woods

Victorian dairy farmers counted cattle and marked the final total on a stone slab. This was later copied by formula 1 as the check herd flag

Having a lie in today. Yesterdays truth in only lead to arguments and recriminations.

An easy solution to the South east water shortage would be to simply dilute it so that it goes further.

Apparently BMI is being abandoned and obesity is now classed if your waist size is more than half your height. I should be seven foot three.

Stupid joiner fitted our new door bell so far up the door, we can't reach it. Something tells me he's in for a high ding.

I asked the office junior to bring me a manila folder from stores. Imagine my shock when she turned up with a Philipino contortionist

My mate started crying with joy when he saw plans for his two storey garden shed. It was originally three stories until he shed a tier.

Everyone was in tears in the department store today. The were overwhelmed by the moving stairs storeys.

Expressions of relief and extreme distance are phew and far between.

I once had a fling with an aerobics instructor but it didn't work out well

I applied to the Bank for a business loan and they sent me round the contents of their staff toilet together with a stamped addressed box.

Cameron is going to canvass German opinion on the French and Greece election results. He has an appointment at Buckingham Palace tomorrow.

Just helped a beat bobby sweep glass off the road following a minor smash. It's quite unusual for me to have a brush with the law.

My mate could only record music when he'd had at least 10 pints of beer. He referred to himself as a session musician.

I've been reading a murder mystery about a man who dies from cholesterol after overeating sandwiches. It turned out the butter did it.

I was going to start a rumour but that damned Graham Parker beat me to it.

I once played cards with 24 people. It may sound nothing now but back then it was a big deal.

Just had a low fat Halal yoghurt. It was a Mullah Light.

The world "hanging out washing" championships are in the semi final stage. Mrs. Brown and Mrs. White, after four loads, are level pegging.

I have put a rare six inch Victorian nail I have owned for years, into an auction tomorrow. It goes under the hammer around 2.30pm

I've enlisted a former Lib Dem M.P. to front my new party. We champion erectile dysfunction and oil producers. Our leader is Limpdick Opec.

I was disqualified from a snooker tournament for not disclosing my unfair advantage as I was suffering from Catarrh.

Two top contestants made it through to the final of the world cravat folding championships. After three hours folding, it ended in a tie.

My mate wanted to watch the soap awards. I told him "you need to get a lifebuoy"

I had a moving seat fitted for my Dad to help him up the stairs. It kept stopping and starting. It's the last time I fit a stammer stairlift

I was putting up new Venetians in the kitchen when an edge sliced through my finger. I was rushed to hospital in a blind panic.

I had a portrait painted. It looked good other than the pursed lips. I asked why he'd painted them that way. I'd asked for a spitting image

A labour MP tabled a motion in parliament today. He blamed a dodgy curry for supper last night.

My wife was shocked to find out that asking me to pucker up had a totally different meaning in ice hockey.

Alistair Campbell has solved his excess saliva problem. His partner says she has to iron clean shirts less as he is able to spin dryer

I'm busy compiling crosswords. So far I have angry, annoyed, aggravated, outraged, irritable, irritated, maddened, nettled, offended, .....

I've always fancied having a stab at knife throwing

The noisiest of all garden amphibians is the natter jack toad.

Just seen a fox with flowers stuck all around its paws. I thought it was wearing mittens at first but they turned out to be foxgloves.

By wearing running shoes that were far too small I suffered from a crushing de feet.

The bin men are here. I have no idea from looking at them what they are now.

Drove past three bin wagons this morning. Checked out 14 dustmen and not one of them was wearing cor blimey trousers.

I always feel that rap artists are the ultimate unsung heroes

I used to be an open book showing people lists of loose women I had the pleasure of but now, I am more circumspect and keep a low pro file.

Calderdale Council's search for a water diviner has resulted in a flood of applications.

I got a contract pointing historic period buildings and regulations state have to use a sanitary trowel.

Roald Dahl has an unpublished story about erectile dysfunction called Wonky Willy makes you masturbate unsatisfactory

The Dr. agreed that he needed to treat my piles so he took them to the cinema.

Katie Price has been engaged more times than a public toilet.

My wife and I have argued for years about the latin name for egg. She says it's ovum. I've had enough. She is so wrong. I'm off. It's ova

The earliest form of none dialogue language was a system of flags attached to the penis of nudists. It was known generally as semiphore

I've just paid for a session on one of those bronco machines. It was difficult as the bucking system kept going up and down.

I dropped a real clanger this morning. Serves me right I suppose for wearing bell bottom trousers.

Jenny Agutter used to wear drainpipe trousers.

male eider ducks are renowned trade unionists and have downed tools for centuries

I met my wife on a trailer park. It was love at first site.

I hate smart arse friends. Mate invited me to a barbecue. When I got there I was behind ten blokes waiting to have their hair cut.

Post coital school secretaries are well known for sticking to their principals.

Ron and Russell Mael have teamed up with two partners with I.Q's of 150 and the Rev Spooner Society launching a store named Sparks and Mensa

Attempting oral sex whilst navigating and steering a boat can result in serious coxswaining problems.

Extremely overweight brides as well as beguiling their husbands often need beguiled churches.

The world diarrhoea championships are being held in Bradford tomorrow. Organisers are hoping for a good turnout.

A mate believes one of my sheep is eating fruit from his vineyard. I have no idea if it's true as I herd it through the grapevines.

The Sultan of Brunei is adding some of his Princes access to his harem. He's hoping to give the concubines a bit of a Sheik up.

Although Andy Pandy and Teddy abstained from any sexual contact Lubey Loo was always ready for action.

To me, everything in life is simply black and white but people tell me that is just me being negative.

I am well known for leaking details of liquid or semi-liquid edible dressings used by top chefs in recipes but I refuse to reveal my sauces.

Had a lovely Indian meal last night topped off with a glass of Lassi. This morning I feel like I need the hair of the dog

I can't help thinking that, when it comes to making an exportable cheese, the Iraqi Kurds have lost their whey now.

Just found 6oz margarine and caster sugar 3 eggs, 6oz self-raising flour and 1 tsp baking powder. I don't know what to make of it.

My Mum went clay pigeon shooting in Iraq. Baghdad? No but she shot my uncle Jim.

My mate's wife played Blind Man's Bluff in India. Hyderabad? No, we've never found the body.

My mate got stuck in a sticky substance on holiday in Colombia. Bogota? Neither. I think it was quicksand.

My Granny had sex with a Manchester United player on hoilday in Brazil. Rio? No it was Wayne Rooney.

My mate's wife had sex with one of Bros whilst in Nigeria. Lagos?. No it was the other one.

I'm taking my wife to China for a breast reduction. Shanghai? No she can tuck them in her knickers.

One of the Queens Corgis is not house trained. She calls it Reggie. It gasses the room out. She calls out "is this corgi Reggies turd?

A far as I am concerned sex is a load of pants

An atlas is a cloakroom attendant in a Dewsbury nightclub.

I once went out with a pin up girl. I was pulling needles out of my dick for weeks

Detectives have confirmed the discovery of dead chickens in a children's playground. Foul play is suspected.

My surgeon, Gerry Bodger, refused a knighthood as he felt the title would worry his patients.

I was accused of fly tipping for putting a blue bottle into the clear glass bank.

I've invested heavily in a high risk new Duvet Company. I've also invested in a fluffy pillow Company so I have something to fall back on.

Q. What is the nickname given to the Queen as she joins the boats on the Thames? A. Flotilla the Hun.

Lovers of colonic irrigation keep their friends close but their enemas even closer.

The doctor has told me to stop wiping my arse with empty beer bottles. It's apparently dangerous in the act and I have to nip it in the Bud.

On the controversial question of whether prostitutes should be allowed to service prisoners to ease frustration, there are pro's and cons

My wife wants us to move to llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Whether she gets her wish or not, it's hard to say.

My mate is disturbed after putting coal on the fire using the fire set. I don't understand him. I think he is speaking in tongs.

Police asked me to help out and attend an identity parade for a flasher. It's humiliating, but I suppose I just have to grin and bare it.

Rumours that heroin has been produced by germinating the mature flower with penis foreskin have turned out to be pure poppycock.

I misunderstood what she required when my wife asked me to sort out the wedding day bridal wear. I though the saddle suited her though.

I have a walking stick I hope to wallop organiser Lord Seb with to draw attention to drugs abuse in the olympics. It's my crack Coe cane

I sent my Chinese friend a magazine about horses and British pasture land. I had no idea he was actually in the Glass and Glazing Industry.

If I had a band I'd call it "Name of the Restaurant" as it's always top of the bill.

My gay mate has blanked me saying I am homophobic and make tasteless remarks. Bummer.

People who mess up Chinese dumpling soup are often guilty of wonton destruction.

My dad was toastmaster for the local hunt. He could deliver a whole loaf buttered in less then five minutes.

Just sold an idea to Waddingtons where the winner is the final player to stay awake. It's the ultimate bored game.

The final of the world buttock clenching championships will be decided over two legs.

The soffit and fascia on the corner of my house fell off and hit a passer-by on the head. I'm being sued for eaves dropping.

I am sure there is a foolproof method of finding a woman's G spot but I just can't put my finger on it.

I have sunk all my money into a new design for a bicycle seat. All my future hopes are riding on it.

I thought that it was a spelling mistake at the food stall until he told me the meat for "donor kebabs" was from the local hospital mortuary

The Post office robbers football eleven are well known for their counter attacking moves.

Franz Beckenbauer was in a pub with Bobby and Jackie Charlton but luckily they didn't mention the wor.

Gay boxers are often accused of buggering a bout.

My wife wants us to move to llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Whether she gets her wish or not, it's hard to say.

My gay mate has blanked me saying I am homophobic and make tasteless remarks. Bummer.

I took some stolen goods to a dealer to dispose of them. He kept singing, "In the Midnight hour" He was apparently a Picket Fence

After reading a sex manual I attached my bits to pulley system whilst stroking the cat. I am in agony having been hoisted by my own pet hard

This is strictly off the record but, the stylus on my record player keeps jumping.

When I add, subtract, multiply and divide in my head I use mental images of extra strong mints. It's an advanced form of menthol arithmetic.

My marriage is on the rocks. My wife wants to go into house building but I want to stay with demolition. It's make or break for us.

When I asked an Ostrich why it was unable to fly it gave me a no wing look.

When Elizabeth the first was moody and needing love, friends used to Raleigh round.

During the war, women miners smuggled coal from the pit head by wearing stockings with seams.

Spent an hour last night listening to the mrs talk about duck down, foam rubber, goose feathers and memoryfoam. Her pillow talk is rubbish.

I'm on the second leg of a sponsored "make a pair of trousers" relay.

The final of the regular quadrilateral paper folding championships has finished all square.

"Mustang Sally" is never played in the Bercow household in fear of John taking it as an invite.

Every time I use a sauna I seem to end up in a heated discussion with someone.

The world dickie bow folding championships has just ended in a tie.

Wasps sting more ferociously in an Indian Sumner.

I keep angrily peering over my shoulder wearing my new pullover knitted from high quality rabbit fur. I can't help but look back in angora

Got a dog. Bloody thing has breakfast then buggers off until tea and bedtime. It's the last time a get a boarder Collie.

In past times, goods were shipped on tramp steamers. I have no idea how. I trod in one yesterday and still haven't got it all off my shoe.

In public conveniences I feel it prudent to try and avoid eye contact with my peers.

Just opened my wife's wardrobe door and dozens of pastries fell out. She needs therapy for her choux fetish.

I have an irrational fear of open spaces filled with pedigree goats and rabbits. Doctors tell me I am suffering from angoraphobia

Just been told that buying a burial plot for the Mrs. is grounds for divorce.
My wife now has barbed wire in her knickers following government advice on ring fencing.

I firewalled my computer this morning and set fire to the bloody keyboard.

Just heard on the news that the "world extreme sunbathing championships" have got off to a blistering start.

When friends come round for dinner I usually serve roast baby swan. It's my cygneture dish.

Mango Lassi sounds like a Scottish transsexual

Just advised I won the contract to import Fish caught in Russian waters. I have the sole distribution rights too.

Whilst nibbling my wife's ear, I tasted a strong hint of Cadburys dairy Milk. I forgot she had a new job as a chocolatier.

Following the official days strike, doctors are now expected to swear the hypocritic oath.

Customs suspect heroin is being smuggled in the arses of plane passengers. A spokesman said "We hope to eventually get to the bottom of it"

Sheep are not known for their legal prowess even though they are often called to the baaaaa.

I once assisted a magician in his disappearing trick. It was just a stage I went through.

When my wife suggested I should be more adventurous and try the doggie position I agreed but I absolutely refused to take the lead.

At school I had to carry a large heavy rope around with me everywhere. When I asked why I was told it was punishment for skipping lessons

I never let my copy of New Musical Express out of my sight. People's Friend less so. I keep my Peoples Friend close but N.M.E's even closer

The Queen still shudders at the time she met Fred Goodwin and decided to make a Knight of it.

My mate, an anagram freak, told me I had "a meekness" about me and I wouldn't be able to "make sense" of the comment.

I don't know what is so clever about these tennis players. I've been coming to the net for years.

Just got back from a marriage guidance session. Turned out to be a room full of married guys dancing.

The char waller at out local Indian keeps leaving leaves in my tea causing real nuisance so I've taken out a re straining order against him.

The blood orange hails from a very early period of evolution for the fruit

Highly strung milliners are likely to go into a frenzy at the drop of a hat.

I was asked if I thought it was a good idea to allow mentally disturbed people to volunteer for incarceration but I refused to commit myself

I have been offered a consignment of faulty Tampax I can sell cheap if anyone is interested. No strings attached.

In her Dollar period Thereza Bazar couldn't wait for her Day off.

At the exam for my erectile dysfunction course I tried my best but the teacher give me low marks and wrote "must try harder".

At the disco I made a series of insulting and mocking remarks to the other contestants and was ejected. Apparently it wasn't a gibe contest.

I walked along a track yesterday that was littered with what seemed like nails from people's feet. I only just dawned on me it was a toepath

At the erectile dysfunction clinic, despite the embarrassment, when told to show how I masturbated, I had to simply grin and bare it.

I bought one of those occasional tables last week. I don't know what it is when it's not a table.

Just been told that a mate has had a heart attack whilst masturbating using a narrow plastic pipe. I just hope he manages to pull through

I met my last girlfriend on holiday as we floated in the pool on sunbeds. Sadly it wasn't long before we began to drift apart.

I named my small boat "Sherry baby" then it started listing to port.

I have decided to become a street vendor. I'm starting at the top with Downing Street then working my way down.

My mate talks in riddles. He doesn't even clean the soil off them before he starts to speak.

My wife and I were made for each other. I just wish they had used better quality parts.

Someone has sat on my toast and Lurpak and squashed it. There's what looks like bristles in it. I can't believe it's not butt hair.

I believe in reincarnation and believe, after death, I will probably return as Hank Marvin. making me, a shadow of my former self.

My mate Pete, who is only 4 foot 6, is the top salesman of Greek bread in the whole country. Nobody can resist the pita patter of tiny Pete.

Feeling nostalgic I bought a return ticket on the train yesterday. It really took me back.

I can't remember the first name of that Czech tennis player Lendl but I've an idea it'll come to me eventually.

The world cat milk drinking championships has only ten laps to go.

I have this recurring nightmare every 3.33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 days

My mate hunts deer. He has a 100% kill rate shooting either left or right handed. He claims to be Bambidextrous.

People with a dry sense of humour tend to keep blotting their copybooks.

John Terry's wife wagged her finger at him after he admitted to fingering a wag.

Rewolf? Wolfer?. Elf Row? Reflow? Oh bollocks. What a waste of money that flower arranging course was.

They found Bilbo Baggins's body last week and it was rock solid, almost petrified. It proved that old Hobbits die hard.

It's no wonder that the Prime Minister is ****e when his street is named after a bloody awful winger playing for Liverpool and England.

The problems with Greece will only get worse as they have an Aegean population to look after.

I think my career as an arsonist began when my parents insisted I went to school in a blazer.

Wanted: Refuse collectors, Halifax area. Applicants must be pig ignorant, devoid of personality and able to block the widest road with ease.

Every time Pierluigi Collina sees a print of Munch's "The Scream" he thinks he passed a mirror and checks his tie.

Haunted harems were infested with eunuchs giving maidens the willies.

The album "Ghost in the Machine" by the Police was produced by Phil Spectre.

During my fire breathing act, a bystander threw water over me. I was quite put out.

Michael Jackson's nose was hand picked by him.

When I was asked to be pinch hitter by my local cricket team I misunderstood and now I keep having to pick the needles out of my stools

Friends keep shortening my brother Francis's name and he hates it to be Frank

I just spun round on the spot 146 times in under a minute. I think it's a new whirled record.

My Lazy German mate, Hans is always being offered jobs by Devil worshippers. Apparently the Devil makes work for Idle Hans.

Just had a sage and onion enema. It has knocked the stuffing out of me.

My best mate passed away today. Strange thing is he didn't even remember eating one.

I think bacon was natural selection's way of laughing at and tormenting religious food restrictions.

Bob Diamond is a distant relative of Ashley Cole. Diamond's ancestors were from a much hardier strain than Cole's.

Our local glove puppet theatre decided to do a performance in the nude. The decision was agreed on a show of hands.

A fortune teller told my mother that I would be born with the characteristics of a wild animal. She was right. I was born with bare feet.

I have had to give up pole vaulting as Mr. and Mrs Lebowkski have moved house.

I'm going night clubbing tonight. I think I'll start with Cliff Richards.

My mate wears a doublet, breeches, and a collar and ruff when he competes in the car. He takes his Raleigh driving very very seriously..

I thought I'd win the fancy dress as a tipped cigarette but my mate stripped naked and painted his head red. I realised I had met my match.

My mate suffers from something called rove anus . I have never heard of it but it's apparently a nervous disorder.

I was going to enter the world advanced car reversing championships next month but I've decided to back out

I suppose I ought to count my blessings but I have no idea where I put them.

Federer keeps coming to the net. So do I if I can find a decent porn site.

Jockey Frankie Dettori has now changed allegiance and wants to be known as Frankie Deliberal.

Press release: The final of this year's pertiest bottom will be held over two legs.

When cyclist feel anger they often to hit the road. When musicians feel anger they often hit the roadie.

Little John ended up as a hunchback in the Robin Hood stories as he was always short staffed.

Just completed my gill transplant so I can go out in this weather. It was from a goldfish. Just completed my gill transplant so I can go ...

People with size 16 feet rarely get all their socks back after a wash. It happens sometimes but the odds are huge

In my last year at school a girl had a huge crush on me. It was orange and I was piss wet through all day.

My mate is so dumb, he complained to the umpire in a tennis match that the net was higher on his side to his opponents.

Morons! Britain needs more Rons

When Sherlock Holmes saw that Watson had only a thumb on one hand he deduced his inability to perform surgery to be a four gone certainty.

My mrs. wants a fridge freezer. I told her that the fridge is cold enough as it is

After a night at the masochists collective I like nothing better than a slap up meal.

Out with a Durham girl with huge boobs last night. Seaham? Nah, she would let me near 'em.

A town in London has brought out a U2 themed clothes shop. Edgeware? No it's mainly Bono's stuff.

Breast implants are on the rise in a Norfolk Town. Fakenham? Yes, you can't tell them from proper boobies.

A Kosher cemetery has opened in West Yorkshire. Dewsbury? Yes but not on the Sabbath.

Boris Johnson is speaking in a London Borough this afternoon. Barking? Yes, he's absolutely nuts.

Just worked out that I can afford to retire now. Only down side is I have to die before December.

After a spate of attacks, our local convent gave martial arts training to novice sisters. Now the hooligans are now being attacked by nunjas

All the seeds have been knocked out in the first round of the world vasectomy championships.

My idea for a new, low calorie, laxative chocolate has been pooh poohed by all the major drugs Companies.

Katie Holmes will drive a car if the cruise control has been disabled.

When asked what she felt about love making my mother used to answer that even her best efforts were always below Pa

My mate, an anagram freak, approached me with a meekness I didn't understand at first but, I finally managed to make sense of it.

My timid mrs was hurt when people threw balls at her as she carried coconuts from the shop. At under 5ft they thought she was a little shy.

I met my wife whilst we were at a fair, throwing balls on the coconut shy. It's fair to see, we didn't hit it off at first.

Apparently if you defecate in the toilet in an empty house you can claim squitters rights.

I've taken up cage fighting. I won my first bout easily. I made sure the budgie was out.

Long John Silver often sailed from Hull through the Wash where his peg leg came in handy.

I have a mate called Hugh Marr. I can't make no sense of him

I'm off into the garden to take advantage of the weather and do a little weeding. I will also listen to the wadio

I'm at an architects meeting tonight bidding for a contract for floors on a new high rise development. We'll be swapping stories all night

Sound was added to cinema films for the first time on the English Riviera. That is why they became known as Torquays.

Damn you letter H. When my future wife told me she loved a good wine, we had totally different meanings in mind.

There's a petition going round work to sign in support of gay marriage. I've no objections but I simply can't be arsed signing it

I have formed a pipe band called the "Oh's". Next time there is a hose pipe ban we will get loads of free publicity.

There's a gorgeous woman selling figs at a greengrocers round the corner. I'm going to ask her for a date.

My mate Douglas Jones has been caught selling cocaine of the back of his pushbike. He's being done for Doug Pedalling.

My mates a physiotherapist. I have no idea what he is when sober

The three year old next door has tufts of red hair, piercings in his face and starts random fires to music. They say he is a child prodigy

I used to attend on the Sultan of Brunei, my main job being to keep him cool during meetings. I was never a fan of his though to be honest.

I am installing tee doh panels on my roof. They are similar to but, a cut above soh Lah panels.

I'm picking up shed duck feathers around a pond whilst being nudged by baby goats. I enjoy getting down with the kids sometimes.

Vince Cable has been promoted and now wishes to be known as Vince Fibre Optic

My sister Marge has a reputation for spreading easily and likes nothing better than a knob of butter.

My mate Sylvia Tate is a private investigator. She uses her full name if advertising as people keep asking if she sells houses. S Tate Agent

I did a great joke about a mink coat yesterday until someone stole it. Now it's wearing thin.

My mate has made a fortune selling chest freezers. He hates it when I refer to him as a Fridge magnate.

Just found two different types of mustards in the pantry. I've swept them up and put traps down for the musses

The best advice on how to pierce a boil is to be found in the Lancet

I'm in a band called "Little boulder". Were into rock in a small way.

I'm in a band called "arse" We play soul music.

I'm in a band called unet. We play out of tune

I'm in a band called "Plutonium". We're into Heavy Metal.

I'm in a band called "Duvet". We only do covers

I'm in a band called "reversing sensors". We're a backing group

Just listened to sounds of the 60's. Mainly, consisted of Where's my bus pass?, My back aches, turn that racket off and Bloody immigrants!

Just been charged with insider trading. Apparently I shouldn't have paid the woman until after we'd finished making love

I won the world hide and seek championships but my winners cheque bounced. Typical of me to be on a hiding for nothing.

My wife is polishing her nails. When done she will start on her hammer and pliers.

Gay marriage? Wait until the novelty wears off. They won't feel so gay then

There was a young man from Caracas, who hated Limericks

I hoped to run the 400 metres in this years games but there were a number of unexpected hurdles in my way.

I have written a story about the sad decline of a footballers divorced wife. It's a wags to witches tale.

An agent tried to convince me he had an amazing act, a mole that sang Danny Boy. I interviewed but it turned out to be a rodent Ulcterman.

I studied period, one wheeled bicycles for my university degree. It was a unicycle course.

I suddenly started to speak in a strong Northern Irish accent yesterday. The doctor suspects I may be suffering from mouth Ulsters.

My car has just been hit by a pile-driver. Why the dumb ******* was holding the steering wheel with his arse I have no idea.

I was in and out of court until a visit to the local Jehovah's Kingdom Hall. Now being in the witness box is an absolute pleasure.

ust been on a price comparison site and I can confirm that Jordan looked better with smaller tits.

Plato used to philosophise for yoghurt and honey which is food for thought.

I just stuck two bread buns in my ears as my wife says I should be a roll model for the kids.

The man who broke the 4 minute barrier for climbing 10 stories of stairs was Roger the Bannister.

I was once tempted to rip out an old ladies valuable fireplace but I didn't have the hearth.

Dad can't manage the stairs. I got a rep round from a stairlift company. We couldn't understand a word he said. Don't use stammer stairlifts

Oh bugger. I just heard a fat lady singing. Is this it?

After calming down and feeling remorse, wife beaters are well known for taking their wives out for a slap up meal.

Last time I tried to disappear I was arrested for abusive language on the sea front at Blackpool.

In a sting operation the Police have revealed that Gordon Sumner wrote all the crap they produced.

I went to rent a flat and the agent told me to f***k off you f*****g old c**t. I was disgusted until I was told he had To Let syndrome.

I've spent hours making a thin porridge made from wheat flower and milk. It's been gruelling work.

Whilst towelling off after a shower and a snort of coke a thief nicked my wallet and left me high and dry.

I failed the High Court judge exams again today. No matter. I will go to court tomorrow and keep trying.

The world shoe lacing championships are on the final round. So far both players are tied.

Every time Victoria Beckham was asked to sing live she got a terrible syncing feeling.

My mail order bride just arrived. I wish I had paid more attention to spelling at school. Still, he's good at gardening and I like his beard

Expressions of relief and wide gaps are phew and far between

I've made a batter-based cake cooked in patterned iron to give both a characteristic shape and surface impression. Still, I'm waffling on

I just let my partner down badly during love making. I didn't realise my toenails were sharp enough to puncture the pvc so easily

Just finished a round of golf and had bogeys at nine of the eighteen holes . I'll take a handkerchief with me next time.

Our local priest has a little tash, wears a bowler and baggy trousers and carrys a walking stick. He's better known as the church chaplain

Sorry to hear about Sid Waddell. He was never the same after hitting the penalty over the bar in the world cup.

My mate come home from Uni pissed every day. The Meadier studies course wasn't what he expected.

5,000 meters in under 13 minutes! He can't possibly be reading them properly.

Runners tend not to grit their teeth on tartan tracks as much as they did running on cinders.

I once had unprotected sex with my ex wife. I learnt the lesson and always had a bodyguard with me after that.

My wife and I thought we had a chance in the rowing at the Olympics until we realised it was pronounced differently.

Walked around the walls of Portsmouth castle. Kept finding bits of male sheep testicles everywhere. Turned out they were ram parts.

The winner of the first Olympic comedy skulls rowing event was Rowing Atkinson

Police are seeking a psychopath who has stabbed 9 people. A man who has stamped on the feet of 8 women by a canal is described as a toepath

I've decided to splash out on a new toilet seat

I appreciate Denis Skinner is a man of conscience but I think he is funnier when he is Frank.

My neighbour is such a feminist, she refuses to heed advice

Just got to the Welsh border and all the road signs have lost their vowels. I think they are Dai version signs.

Just looked through a microscope and, to be honest, a bees knees aren't all they are cracked up to be.

Olga Korbut got her name despite having hardly any arse cheeks to speak of.

Our local Hindu Temple is being demolished. Bits of cow stomach was found in the brickwork. It was apparently from brickies using tripe hods

In the local car park where the doggers meet, no-one ever eats cottage cheese.

I loved it when Mr. Whippy called when I was a kid. I wasn't so keen on Mr. Bugger and Mr. Thumbscrew though.

Just gave 10p to a tiny busker on the underground who just sat there ticking. He was apparently a metro gnome.

My mate dispenses cash loans to people living in blocks of flats, spinning a yarn about repayment terms. He's known as the storey teller.

At school, my mate promised that one day he would be a household name. I never heard again from George Toiletduck

Just bid on French ebay for some bathroom linen. They resisted my offer at first but soon threw in the towel.

Just watched an interview with Stephen Fry and Susan Boyle. There was a simmering tension in the room

I've been asked if Id like to dabble in stocks and shares. I like the idea as I am a good aim with a rotten tomato and I hate her music

I have written out the alphabet and despite checking it I only seem to have 25 letters. I just can't see or understand Y

I got an A* in my "Whiskies of the Scottish isles" GCSE. Fortunately the questions were all Mull Tipple choice.

Sometimes I pick up the mrs, lift her above my head and charge around the garden cheering. People tell me I regard her as just a trophy wife

I had high hopes of my new hair dye formula being a winner but in clinical trial it failed to reach the greyed

I used to ride the waltzer and collect fares in the summer holidays. I was on top of the whirled.

I went Batty when my compo didn't come through and had not the foggiest idea why Clegg was deputy P.M. That's the last of my summer whines.

Reservoir planners. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Just seen a photo covered in what looks like saliva and phlegm. It was the spitting image of me.

My wife is plans to have a relationship with a idiot Scottish dwarf. She says she will be ready for love when the wee Ken dafter next comes.

Sodium chloride is apparently bad for you but I take all these scare stories with a pinch of salt.

Our local puppeteers society has today voted to do a full monty performance on a show of hands

In an interview, David Cameron denies being posh. In a separate interview, his valet and chambermaid also deny that David is posh

Bandwagon for sale. Showing signs of wear. Apply G. Galloway, Bradford.

The railings beside my house go rusty from salt water and groan from time to time when it is hot or cold. I think they are overwrought iron.

Every time I am told to go to the post office, against my wishes, I stamp my feet.

The best austerity measures are secure fencing and good quality stables.

Freddie and the Dreamers "You were made for me" was originally about a custom made blow up doll ordered by the writer.

A dyslexic French friend asked me why Freddie Mercury was obsessed with mushrooms. I was puzzled till he sang "we are le champignons" to me.

I have invented a new musical instrument. I call it a trumpbone. It will fit well in the wind section.

I started a band called "the truth" but decided I couldn't manage them any more. I just can't handle it

Just spent £1,000 on seating at the finish line of our local track. Spectators are now guaranteed a grand stand finish to every race.

I play for a transsexual lumberjacks football team. It's good but there is a lot of chopping and changing every week.

It amuses me to see football managers with their initials on their kit. I wonder if they have their underpants lettered by their Mums too.

I've set up a business counting numbers. It's proving to be quite an add venture.

Just got a job at Tesco. I have to shade the the managers eyes from the sun. It wasn't the super visor position I was expecting.

My mate was sold into the sex slave industry in Sweden. She's opened her own brothel now. She calls it the Stockholm Sindrome.

Personally I think the black and white minstrels went beyond the pale

If I owned a freezer company I'd call it "Jolly Good Fellows" for obvious reasons such as regular free advertising.

Our local pub quiz ended in a tie last night so, to get a result, we decided to draw lots. I won by sketching "Bingley at night" 27 times.