Dear sixteen year old me

Dear Me

I want to pass on a few things that have happened over the last forty plus years and let you know that you turned out reasonably well despite the ups an downs of life.

First things first. Your life will get better and the worries that now seem insurmountable to you, will fade. Let's start with girls. I have to remember that life and sex was very different for you. There was no internet, no adult videos or DVD's and T.V. was still very much in its infancy as far as portraying sex. I remember that, for you, sex didn't really exist.

First of all, don't fall in love with every girl who smiles at you. It tends to scare the shit out of them and any girl that responds to you in a similar way is probably just as desperate as you. I realise the hormones rushing around your body are sending out conflicting signals and your pyjamas are often like cardboard in a morning but your Mum will pretend not to notice so there's no need for that embarrassment. It's o.k to have one off the wrist too. All your mates are doing it and not letting on. One major thing to tell you. The kids who tell you they are shagging girls every night are telling lies. They are as confused and frustrated as you but don't want to admit it. Enjoy the company of girls. You won't be tongue tied for long and the ones that take the piss out of you aren't worth talking to anyway. One final thing. That girl who turned down the offer of a dance when it took you nearly an hour to pluck up the courage, she is not typical. I know it put you off forever but she was a cow. Most girls will say yes then move away at the end if no longer interested. Have fun and play the field. I do not mean be promiscuous. My tip? Look for an older girl and let her guide you along. You will learn something perhaps. If you decide to ignore all this, take my advice, when you go on a training course to London next year, and those two girls bang on your bedroom door inviting you to a threesome. Don't pretend you're asleep and, the following year, that girl in Scarborough who shows you a photo of her geeky boyfriend, then plays with your knee for an hour before inviting you to the beach, FFS go man! Finally, avoid that loony Welsh woman in 1976. She wasn't worth the hassle. watch "Play Misty for Me" and put yourself in the Clint Eastwood's place.

As far as everything else is concerned. Take advice. Don't be such a smart arse. You know nothing about life so stop pretending you do. Take some fashion advice. You have no dress sense at all and your hair style is awful. Make the most of being young. Forget about commitment and marriage until you are close to thirty and then think long and hard and make sure that whoever you are with is the right one for life. Now is the time to take risks with your job. Don't live with regret and not taking that job as you were not sure it was safe enough. You can do anything if you believe you can. Travel whenever you can. You will love it. Foreign food is not rubbish and you will grow to love it, even curry.

Finally. Make the most of your Mum and dad whilst they are still young. They are from a totally different time and your Dad in particular simply doesn't understand that the world has changed. They only want what is best for you. Follow this and life will bring you all the things I now look back on and regret. Life with regrets is not good for the soul.

The Lottery

I see today that the latest Euro millions winners have decided to go public. I can only assume that serious pressure is put on them to take this drastic step. For the rest of their lives they will no longer be Mr and Mrs xyz but "101 million pound lottery winners xyz" They must be mad. They will be besieged with requests both genuine and bogus for years to come which, unless you particularly enjoy reading sad stories, will at best cause them to reflect on their good fortune.

I would never ever agree to going public on a major win. I would want the time in private to decide how best to spend my new found fortune and who should and should not benefit. It reflects, I suppose, my personality. I am a background boy. I hate being the front man. I like to be the one in the shadows, pulling the strings, not the one dancing to the tune. Probably half a dozen times on twitter I have been asked to consider doing stand up. Whilst flattering it is the biggest joke of all. Give me an audience and I'll give you unbridled fear. I don't even like to show any of my stuff to friends.

Twitter is perfect for people like me. You can be "up front" but, should the mood take you, you can disappear without a trace and be forgotten within days. That's how I like it. I don't mind a mug shot. I have a forgettable face. If required you can invent an alter ego and relaunch under a new identity. Effectively you can be all you perhaps would like to be in the real world without the anxiety than comes with it.

I wish the lottery winners happiness. I hope they put my letter requesting a donation for my "regrow the prostate" charity. I miss it and the happy times we had together. It will be a real tear jerker.