Everything's so easy when you've downed a pint or two
The things that were so difficult now don't bother you
The girl who had a bison's face
Now looks like a vision
Now it seems so easy just
To make that hard decision
Yes that stunner fancies you
Despite her strong derision
Yes everything's so easy when you've downed a pint or two
Everything's so easy when you've downed a pint or two
The wrinkles that adorned your face add character to you
The aching knees, and flabby gut
simply do not matter
In fact you're sure you would improve perhaps if you were fatter
Your mates bad breath, your wife's fat arse they simply must be told
You can't believe how easy it is to be so brave and bold.
You sing so well and dance to perfection and yes
You support animal vivisection
Yes everything's so easy when you've downed a pint or two
But come the morning through bleary eyes
Memories flood back
"Did I say that to my wife, before I hit the sack?
Did I tell my neighbour that her hubby was a twat?
Surely I didn't dance naked on the sideboard in her hat.
Oh my God it was me, who made that awful stink
I think I'll just stay here in bed, then have another drink, yes that's the thing to do
Cos everything's so easy when you've downed a pint or two
Thursday 29 March 2012
Humour
Humour can be such a personal thing. One man's meat and all that. I am sometimes embarrassed at the things I can laugh at. I love word play but can still find someone slipping on a banana skin funny.
My Great Uncle Harry was a bit of a recluse. He avoided all family contact until late in life when he discovered having a family wasn't such a bad thing. One day my dad went to visit him and Harry was standing in his kitchen wearing only a vest. Thing was, the vest was on upside down and his legs were through the arm holes. He had tide the neck, to cover his arse, with a length of string. He had run out of underpants and that was his solution.
Harry was a raging atheist so, at his funeral, someone arranged to have a few words said on his behalf. He spoke for a while and then said "I'd just like you all to close your eyes and think for a minute about Harry and your favourite recollection of him." It was one of my sisters who was the first to break. All six of us had the same immediate thought, Harry wearing his vest upside down as underpants. There was much shoulder movement and muffling of laughter till we got out into the light. Three sisters has tears running down their cheeks which fit in with the mood of a funeral for the wrong reasons. The next stiff was lined up and the mourners coming in looked extremely confused.
The week before my cancer op I bought a new pair of shoes. I went to see my dad before I was admitted to hospital. "Are they new shoes" he asked. "Was it worth bothering?" We cope with dark things with humour within the family. At every funeral my dad asked his next brother or sister in line if it was worth them leaving the graveside. There are only two of the eight left so it will be interesting to see who has the last laugh. I keep telling my dad he is spoiling my eulogy for him by passing another birthday. He was 91 last week.
My Great Uncle Harry was a bit of a recluse. He avoided all family contact until late in life when he discovered having a family wasn't such a bad thing. One day my dad went to visit him and Harry was standing in his kitchen wearing only a vest. Thing was, the vest was on upside down and his legs were through the arm holes. He had tide the neck, to cover his arse, with a length of string. He had run out of underpants and that was his solution.
Harry was a raging atheist so, at his funeral, someone arranged to have a few words said on his behalf. He spoke for a while and then said "I'd just like you all to close your eyes and think for a minute about Harry and your favourite recollection of him." It was one of my sisters who was the first to break. All six of us had the same immediate thought, Harry wearing his vest upside down as underpants. There was much shoulder movement and muffling of laughter till we got out into the light. Three sisters has tears running down their cheeks which fit in with the mood of a funeral for the wrong reasons. The next stiff was lined up and the mourners coming in looked extremely confused.
The week before my cancer op I bought a new pair of shoes. I went to see my dad before I was admitted to hospital. "Are they new shoes" he asked. "Was it worth bothering?" We cope with dark things with humour within the family. At every funeral my dad asked his next brother or sister in line if it was worth them leaving the graveside. There are only two of the eight left so it will be interesting to see who has the last laugh. I keep telling my dad he is spoiling my eulogy for him by passing another birthday. He was 91 last week.
Smell the song.
I cannot decide which of the two instantly transports me back across time.
I only have to get a faint whiff of new car interior and I am immediately a small boy again sitting next my dad in either his new Morris Minor or Austin van. The smell of tar reminds me of a house I lived in as a kid when the road was being laid. The fact is that most aromas remind me immediately of some event or other in the past.
It's the same with music. "Concrete and Clay" by Unit four plus two is a double whammy as it immediately puts me on a coach going on an outing when I was in a choir ( I could sing in tune, not necessarily the tune playing) and it also reminds me of Cadbury's Bar Six. I don't know why. If I hear "Sunshine of your Love" by Cream I am sliding off the window sill of my parents kitchen and catching my foot on a flex joined with insulating tape causing all the lights in the house to fuse. "Snoopy versus the Red Baron" reminds me of my ex wife and "Bonnie and Clyde" immediately reminds me of my cousin George. I can't hear it without thinking of him.
I know the words to 100's of songs I haven't heard for years and have no difficulty repeating them but I cannot remember where I put my keys ten minutes ago. Perhaps I should sing a song every time I do something. I'll have to make sure I don't use public toilets.
I only have to get a faint whiff of new car interior and I am immediately a small boy again sitting next my dad in either his new Morris Minor or Austin van. The smell of tar reminds me of a house I lived in as a kid when the road was being laid. The fact is that most aromas remind me immediately of some event or other in the past.
It's the same with music. "Concrete and Clay" by Unit four plus two is a double whammy as it immediately puts me on a coach going on an outing when I was in a choir ( I could sing in tune, not necessarily the tune playing) and it also reminds me of Cadbury's Bar Six. I don't know why. If I hear "Sunshine of your Love" by Cream I am sliding off the window sill of my parents kitchen and catching my foot on a flex joined with insulating tape causing all the lights in the house to fuse. "Snoopy versus the Red Baron" reminds me of my ex wife and "Bonnie and Clyde" immediately reminds me of my cousin George. I can't hear it without thinking of him.
I know the words to 100's of songs I haven't heard for years and have no difficulty repeating them but I cannot remember where I put my keys ten minutes ago. Perhaps I should sing a song every time I do something. I'll have to make sure I don't use public toilets.
Most of my one liners Feb/March 2012.
My neighbour is a Vietnam Vet. I never fancy a curry at his house.
The Japanese version is always won by the "Who wants to be a millionaire" host. They call it Japan has Tarrant.
My wife always wanted a tumble drier so I stopped throwing buckets of water over her when I tripped her up.
substantial ---- Lend money to former Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band frontman.
I was shocked to hear there was a GCSE in animal husbandry. Gay marriage is one thing but this is a step too far.
I always thought Pick and Micks were more associated with canals than Woolworths
Young male offenders are being forced to make flotation devices for lifeboats as potential punishment. Talk about yobs for the buoys.
My Grandma made money by knitting covers for teapots. Customers used to cosy up to her for a good price.
I've been invited to a party where the only drink allowed is alcoholic beverage made from sugarcane by-products. It's a rum do.
I keep reporting deviants for voyeuristic activity in the lane but Police indifference is dogging any progress.
donkey ---- door opening device belonging to Mafia Godfather
Galpharm's new wonder drug has side effects. There are reports of temporary blindness and a desperate urge to to call to say I love you.
Late news: Dwarfs visiting prostitutes are meeting with mounting problems.
My pregnant neighbour answered the door in her nightie this morning. I had no idea she had been knocked up.
My mate played a Venetian Blinds salesman in a local play and was so good he took twelve curtain calls
I used to be friendly with a high court judge but, to be honest, he tried my patience.
I knew a gay monk who fell in love with a fellow brother but it went nowhere as the man of his dreams had a Prior engagement.
I just invented a new type face where the figures are both scary as well as wavy and wispy. I think I'll call it the Boo font.
I bought my mate a book on advanced mental arithmetic techniques. It didn't cost much but it's the thought that counts.
My visit to the local ironworks proved to be absolutely ore inspiring.
Just invented a revolutionary new type of pneumatic road drill. The design is absolutely ground breaking.
If you want to know how long it takes for a famous dead person to decompose there is a new book out called Ooze who?
My mate said I was like Douglas Fairbanks. I thought he saw me as "suave and sophisticated" but he meant I was a thief of bad gags.
Imbibed heavily yesterday on a mixture of fruit juice, wine and spirit in a bowl with fruit. Woke up with black eyes. I was punch drunk.
My mate Hugh Mann has no idea what his rights are
Does Cillit bang go off?
I got a new job at the Bic biro plant. I am chief feeler of felt pens.
I used to worry when I was younger, about losing my hair and teeth. Fortunately, my memory is still good and I remember where I keep them.
My next door neighbour is so slutty she always has a ladder in her tights for the dwarf that lives down the lane.
I hate doing crazy paving. I always end up flagging badly.
In preparation for Athens announcing the relaunching the Drachma, the Euro will be printed in future on Greece proof paper.
There was a heavy dew on our lawn this morning. Mrs. Golberg is a nosey old bugger.
Me and my wife got fed up of arguing what was the best way to emphasise something in writing so we decided to draw a line under it.
Despite being an award winning topiarist I refuse to rest on my laurels.
Damned sweary gypsy woman at the door this morning selling stuff. I had to take her down a peg or two.
Rangers going into administration? Is this a wind up?
I hate going out for a meal with my mate who works on the stock exchange. He is always playing footsie with me.
Roses are Red Violets are blue, Look there's a wasp, I have ADHD too.
It's disgusting that the BBC are discriminating against older women in programming. I know some older women with great tits.
I have signed up to be an organ donor. I never use this old Bontempi anyway.
I tried to think of the name of a game with dough in it but I didn't have a clue.
Just got winded by a brick. It turned out to be a breeze block.
The world duvet stuffing championships start at Wembley tomorrow. The BBC are giving blanket coverage.
My mate is so dumb. On remand in prison he spent hours on the gym treadmill when someone told him it was possible to break out in a sweat.
It's about time that Lou Harris stopped bragging about her bloody Emmy award.
I just tried out a bad gag on the Mrs. It was really bad as she could still speak.
Spielberg is following up the success of war horse with a film about Bobby Charlton's relationship with his brother called wor Jackie, .
If the F.A. insist that the new England manager must be fluent in English, does that rule out Roy Hodgson?
In restaurants it is rumoured than Sun reporters always pay the bill.
A thief wearing indoor shoes keeps nicking stuff from our shop. We can't catch the slippery little bugger.
I wonder if Hugh ever reciprocated the love that Whitney Huston was saving all her love for.
Who the hell is this Evans bloke and why should we be thanking him for little girls? Sounds a bit sinister to me.
Following the failure of the hedgehog flavoured crisps, Walkers have adapted the concept to produce prickled onion flavour.
I had only 3 minutes to last to win the "world hold a peanut up your nose" championships, then I blew it.
n bed a night, my left leg makes a series of profane noises. After an examination, the doctor told me I had very coarse veins.
I wrote a superb set of jokes about washing lines for my stand up debut but the lousy venue manager refused to let me use any props.
For fun, I often dress up as Sherlock Holmes and harass old ladies on the street. I always wear my old dear stalker hat.
I just got almost blinded in a taxi that was full of spotlights. It's the last time I use an acne cab.
I have invented a voice activated car. If you are mute there is an override button starter, it goes without saying.
I asked for a quote from the tailor for a new gusset in my trousers. He could only give me a ball park figure.
Just saw a bloke on a picket line who looked just like me. It was a striking resemblance.
Our local catholic priest complained of an increased heart beat every time he made a sermon. Doctors diagnosed pulpitations.
My Mum and dad were very cold hearted people. I think they were my froster parents.
My vertically challenged mate is an avid diarist and dresses as a dandy at weekends. We call him little Beau Pepys.
My mate has a book which has every known profanity listed. He swears by it.
Our local river crossing was designed by a female German pugilist. It's a box Gerda Bridge.
Russian peasants, when hit across the face by the Russian king, were often Tsar struck for weeks.
Just got back from the UK erectile dysfunction championships. I did well only getting knocked out in the semi's
I sent my mate out for drugs late last night but he cocked up and came back empty handed. He has terrible nocturnal E Missions.
Rumours of marriage between the daughter of Mr. T and Al Fayed's son have been denied. A spokesman for the couple say they are Miss T Fayed.
A single buttock had been found partially buried on Wimbledon Common. Police say the culprit had made a half arsed attempt at burying it.
Hopes of finding a missing demo tape by a popular irish family band are diminishing. A spokesman says it's now a lost Corrs.
I've given up trying to write a book about embroidery techniques of the 15th century as I keep losing my thread.
In Saudi Arabia, the punishment for giving a girl the eye is 40 lashes
Our carrier at work wears his jeans low cut. We call him foggy God because he moves in a misty hairy arsed way.
My mate said I was like Douglas Fairbanks. I thought he saw me as "suave and sophisticated" but he meant I was a thief of bad gags.
If you want to know how long it takes for a famous dead person to decompose there is a new book out called Ooze who?
Roadside Advertising Made Easy by Bill Boards
Bouncing off Walls by Rick O'Shea
Finding your own space by Terry Torial
24 hours from now by Tom Orrow.
A cup full of semen by Jack Potts
The Ex Virgin by Penny Tration
Dribbling at the Mouth by Sally Vates
How to Fade into the Background by Peter Out
A Gift fit for a King by Frank Incence
Feeling Sick by Billy Uss
Indian Tango Moves by Dan Singh
Treating itchy Spots by Callum Mine.
Improve your appearance by Luke Betta.
Decorative Door Surrounds by Archie Trave
Learn the Alphabet by Jayden Kaye
How to fleece a woman by Connor Outofvit
Modes of Transport by Oscar Andtrain
How to reduce staffing Costs by Isaac Emall
How to cut down on Calories by Finlay Spread
The Genius by Noah Lott
Popular Seaside resorts by Leon Sea
How to Mark your Cattle painlessly by Brandon Swift
How to Span a River by Bailey Bridge
How to get Noticed by Luca Titt
Just the Two of Us by Ewan Mee
Looking After baby by Mollie Coddle
Dirty Knickers by Esther ****ten. (This was a real person)
How to improve Breast Posture by Eva Mupp
Labiaplasty by Anita Flap
caught in the Act by Yvonne Urnikas.
Gender Separation by Ian Shee
Too Many Repeats by Ella Nuther
How To Reduce the Jail Population by Frida Prisoner
keeping flies off your rubbish by Lydia Dustbin
How to stop a Ship Sinking by Mandy Pumps
Cross Dressing by Nancy Boyes
The art of Book reading by Paige Turner
Do it Yourself by Ahmed Thiss.
What Can you Buy for Just Over a Penny by Arthur Sixpence
Plain Speaking in Church by Benny Diction.
The Joys of masturbation by Gloria Swank.
Can You Tell what it is Yet by Drew Badly.
Sewage Disposal made easy by Dwayne Pipe.
No to Boycotts by Geoffrey Area
Gym Wear by Leo Tard
Exam Results by Marcus Fairley
Going over the Top by Austin Taycious.
Crease Free Outdoor Wear by Angus McCoatup
Perfect Chips by Crispin Side
How to make a Grave by Doug Aditch
Keeping Allergy Free by Dustin Daley
Crash Helmets by Edgar Ding
On the Toss of a Coin by Edwin Tailslose
Keep your car Safe by Garry Jdoor
How to Turn the Tables as a Matador by Igor Bulls
100 Uses for Puss by lancelot o'Boyles.
How to Stay Alert by Luke Sharpe
Coping with the Menopause by Mahmood Changes
No V.P.L. by Nicholas Bottom
How to Keep the rain Out by Rufus Ahome
The Perfect Cake by Xavier Aslice
My neighbour is using my BT broadband service tonight and I am using his virgin cable. I'm well into this wifi swapping.
I'm addicted to tree felling so the doctor has advised me to cut down a little
Our local school of motoring is offering a crash course. Seems a little pessimistic to me.
Just launched a new group called the flotation devices. I expect them to be the ultimate in buoy bands.
My wife prefers to make love like Sting, by ranting angrily and throwing a hissy fit. Personally I don't care much for this tantrum sex.
Gossip columnists report that Ashley Cole and Anne Diamond are seeing each other after meeting at a carbon dating agency.
I've invented a new lube for carnivores flavoured with bacon. It's spreads really well but tends to go crispy and make the sheets streaky.
My mate just rang and asked me to call round. He is stuck in his wardrobe. I told him to hang in there.
A new undertakers and chip shop has opened locally run by Chinese. They call it R Kelly's. They bereave they can fry.
I heard a Georgie talking about Warsaw. I asked him how he enjoyed Poland but he was actually trying to to find something to cut wood with.
I'm reading a funny book by the bloke who wrote Tess. Its about plants that live for more than two years. It's a Hardy perennial.
My mate takes a hip flask to work. He also takes a trendy lunchbox and designer bicycle clips.
My mate who is hard of hearing, got into hot water when he was asked for a date and took out his next door neighbours cistern.
I have asked a Mafia lawyer to handle my personal injury claim. They offer a no win no feet service.
Staff caught red handed with over £10,000 worth of oxo and bovril cubes said they were only stock taking.
I asked the girlfriend for phone sex this morning but she refused until we are engaged.
I then phoned her asking if there was any chance of a 69 tonight but she said I had the wrong number
When scientists announced the successful growing of a cats foot from foetal tissue, there was a pregnant paws.
My boss just told me he had a great deal for me and handed me my cards.
I've been arrested for farting in a mosque. My solicitor thinks it's a trumped up charge.
I asked my German friend why he thought that the future was looking good and he told me he had a gut feeling.
A dodgy curry meant that Beethoven's sixth symphony had five movements instead of the traditional four
I went on an artificial insemination course at a local farm. I couldn't get the hang of it but next time I'm sure I'll pull it off.
During the war then navy wanted to reintroduce a super sized cat o nine tails to install discipline. A huge backlash prevented it's use.
Went for an interview as a pearl diver yesterday. It went quite well but I'm not holding my breath.
My dyslexic, breast fetish friend has been going to the local church for weeks. He's stopped now I've pointed out it isn't a Baptits Church.
The actor who played Micky Miller in Eastenders has made a short adventure film about the metal clasp on a sandal. It's a real swashbuckler
My dyslexic friend wanted to lose weight but ended up in a cafe where a gay voyeurs club meet called watchwaiters.
My wife bought me a stovepipe hat for my birthday. I've had the flu ever since.
My Dad was furious when I married my girfriend from Seoul. Apparently he actually told me I needed to get a career.
I thought of a great wheeze down at the asthma clinic today.
I love the sensation on my fingertips when I prise the memory card out of my phone. It's the sim pull pleasures that are the best.
With his pay off the ex Chelsea Manager now wants to be known as Andreas Two Villas Boas.
I've written a script set in WW2 about a love affair on a train station between a poultry breeder and a herdsman. I call it beef hen counter
Last time I was in Paris I saw an electicity pylon with loads of naked women draped over it. I had no idea it was the eye full tower.
The doctor told me to write down what I ate to find out why I am constipated. It was a great idea as I can now work it out with a pencil.
Just had some broth made by Norman Cook, Alistair Cook and Roger Cook. It was terrible.
Stayed at a B&B last night and it was full of impersonators of Lisa Minellis ex husband. Bloody Gest Houses.
A meeting of the National Union of Railwaymen was called off at Euston Station when a delegate took the platform.
If you are caught plagiarising a dictionary, the courts throw the book at you.
Our gay neighbour calls his house Tudor Pillars.
What did been sprouts used to be?
My epileptic brittle boned friend went into a stupor whilst playing cards last night but I managed to snap him out of it.
I ordered sea food at a restaurant last night and I was charged protection money before it was served. Bloody Kray Fish.
The first rule of fart club is to never follow through on your threats.
I used to have a job picking up anorexic people when they collapsed but lately work has been thin on the ground.
When I first met my wife, her eyes were like glistening jewels. I completely forgot what I metaphor.
You don't live longer by giving up alcohol, meat, dairy products and sex. It just seems longer.
My mate's mother is Austrian and his Dad Indian. He's a superb classical composer but shuns the limelight. We call him Haydn Sikh.
My Lorry failed it's M.O.T. The police caught me driving it and are taking me to court. Buggers are simply jumping on the banned wagon.
Not only was I amazed to hear of a proposed hosepipe ban I was astounded to learn that prostitutes prefer to use them rather than cigarettes
I just got back from the dentist. He says my teeth are covered in yellowish plaque. I fear my secret fetish of licking war memorials is out.
Before using the services of the ladies in Amsterdam, I like a pint of Directors Bitter. Nothing beats a little Dutch Courage.
Our local school turned down my dads offer to talk about his wartime job as they felt that a spiv wasn't a proper occupation.
My mate was taken to court for selling electricity generated by his own farts. The judge threw it out saying the charges were trumped up.
My cousin Eileen didn't know what Bukkake was until a Dexy's Midnight Runners disc played at a party.
I used to have a loaf of bread on a lead to keep me company but, since I started slicing it I am left with only crumb pets.
I didn't want a starter at the third Reich themed restaurant but I had no choice other than to obey hors d'œuvres.
I thought a stunner in the changing rooms was seducing me with her dress over her head but it seems she was only trying it on.
I thought I had a bargain when offered a nuclear powered watch for £50 but it turned out to be a wind up.
The rumour I have made a mattress filled with millions of stolen Kleenex is a tissue of lies.
acoustic --- pole used to make pigeons sing
Of all the wooden Prime Ministers we have had, the most realistic was Pitt the Elder.
When Eric Morecambe became involved with Luton Town he tried to Bayern Munich.
I'd like an ankle transplant but I can't afford to foot the bill.
American generals in ww2 gradually got more and more aggressive until it was inevitable that a Patton would emerge
I attempted to ask for a 69 in a Bangkok brothel but ended up tongue Thaid.
I had ambitions to be a Formula One ace but I lacked the drive
Lemons are disappearing fast. This tasty fruit is in danger of becoming extinct. Trees are being felled every day. Send £2 to lemon aid now.
Cenotaph -- Brazillian/Welsh racing driver
crudities --- poor taste poems
intersperse --- White Hart Lane follower
In her last book, Enid Blyton had Big Ears slayed. His body resides in a Noddy Holder.
In my opinion circles are absolutely pointless
Poor Gerry McCann. Now he is criticized for storing petrol
I got a job as a baggage handler at Manchester Airport when asked by my tutor to undertake a case study for my course work.
Once you have assassinated one knight of the realm you just cannot stop. It's a vicious sir Cull.
With the price of diesel going up and up Dervla Kirwan must be worth a fortune.
A stoke city player will only meet women in derelict houses. Dilapidated them.
Chris Kamara has a permanent toilet attendant at his house. He's a Kami Kazi Pilot.
I used to enjoy hobnobbing with my wealthy neighbours until I burnt it on a halogen ring.
When I see white spots my mind goes blank then everyone else follows. It's like a domino effect.
I was sure I saw Stuart Goddard in a shop this morning but he was adamant I was wrong.
Canada has made a small Island off the coast a haven for all types of deer. It's called Elkatraz.
I'm doing a stage play of Hitchcocks "the Birds". The crows keep losing plumage but luckily we have plenty of spares ready in the wings.
One of a pair of identical twins has died and left our campanologist group. Luckily he was a dead ringer for his brother who has joined.
There are police at the door and the neighbours after my blood but I can confirm there are at least 47 different ways to skin a cat.
When the Lone Ranger celebrated his Silver wedding, guests were shocked when he took his horse up the aisle.
balderdash --- short sprint for the follically challenged
By night I steal double glazed units from people's windows. It's a panes taking process.
Due to bad health I owe the local herbalist a fortune for herbal remedies. I went to see the G.P. She told me I was living on borrowed Thyme
When my son told me he had a burning ambition to be an arsonist when he left school, I was appalled but now, I am warming to the idea..
I tried phone sex yesterday. At first it was a disaster due to my hang ups but I am now proud to announce we are engaged.
I suppose when the next Apple computer comes out we can expect none stop hype Ads.
I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.
orthopaedic --- writer specialising in stories about the male urinary system
A 6 foot 10 inch chemist described as "arrogant" by his employers lost his claim for unfair dismissal. He was just too big for his Boots
David Milliband's speeches are to be streamed live on the internet but will only be available if you have a boredband connection.
The Japanese version is always won by the "Who wants to be a millionaire" host. They call it Japan has Tarrant.
My wife always wanted a tumble drier so I stopped throwing buckets of water over her when I tripped her up.
substantial ---- Lend money to former Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band frontman.
I was shocked to hear there was a GCSE in animal husbandry. Gay marriage is one thing but this is a step too far.
I always thought Pick and Micks were more associated with canals than Woolworths
Young male offenders are being forced to make flotation devices for lifeboats as potential punishment. Talk about yobs for the buoys.
My Grandma made money by knitting covers for teapots. Customers used to cosy up to her for a good price.
I've been invited to a party where the only drink allowed is alcoholic beverage made from sugarcane by-products. It's a rum do.
I keep reporting deviants for voyeuristic activity in the lane but Police indifference is dogging any progress.
donkey ---- door opening device belonging to Mafia Godfather
Galpharm's new wonder drug has side effects. There are reports of temporary blindness and a desperate urge to to call to say I love you.
Late news: Dwarfs visiting prostitutes are meeting with mounting problems.
My pregnant neighbour answered the door in her nightie this morning. I had no idea she had been knocked up.
My mate played a Venetian Blinds salesman in a local play and was so good he took twelve curtain calls
I used to be friendly with a high court judge but, to be honest, he tried my patience.
I knew a gay monk who fell in love with a fellow brother but it went nowhere as the man of his dreams had a Prior engagement.
I just invented a new type face where the figures are both scary as well as wavy and wispy. I think I'll call it the Boo font.
I bought my mate a book on advanced mental arithmetic techniques. It didn't cost much but it's the thought that counts.
My visit to the local ironworks proved to be absolutely ore inspiring.
Just invented a revolutionary new type of pneumatic road drill. The design is absolutely ground breaking.
If you want to know how long it takes for a famous dead person to decompose there is a new book out called Ooze who?
My mate said I was like Douglas Fairbanks. I thought he saw me as "suave and sophisticated" but he meant I was a thief of bad gags.
Imbibed heavily yesterday on a mixture of fruit juice, wine and spirit in a bowl with fruit. Woke up with black eyes. I was punch drunk.
My mate Hugh Mann has no idea what his rights are
Does Cillit bang go off?
I got a new job at the Bic biro plant. I am chief feeler of felt pens.
I used to worry when I was younger, about losing my hair and teeth. Fortunately, my memory is still good and I remember where I keep them.
My next door neighbour is so slutty she always has a ladder in her tights for the dwarf that lives down the lane.
I hate doing crazy paving. I always end up flagging badly.
In preparation for Athens announcing the relaunching the Drachma, the Euro will be printed in future on Greece proof paper.
There was a heavy dew on our lawn this morning. Mrs. Golberg is a nosey old bugger.
Me and my wife got fed up of arguing what was the best way to emphasise something in writing so we decided to draw a line under it.
Despite being an award winning topiarist I refuse to rest on my laurels.
Damned sweary gypsy woman at the door this morning selling stuff. I had to take her down a peg or two.
Rangers going into administration? Is this a wind up?
I hate going out for a meal with my mate who works on the stock exchange. He is always playing footsie with me.
Roses are Red Violets are blue, Look there's a wasp, I have ADHD too.
It's disgusting that the BBC are discriminating against older women in programming. I know some older women with great tits.
I have signed up to be an organ donor. I never use this old Bontempi anyway.
I tried to think of the name of a game with dough in it but I didn't have a clue.
Just got winded by a brick. It turned out to be a breeze block.
The world duvet stuffing championships start at Wembley tomorrow. The BBC are giving blanket coverage.
My mate is so dumb. On remand in prison he spent hours on the gym treadmill when someone told him it was possible to break out in a sweat.
It's about time that Lou Harris stopped bragging about her bloody Emmy award.
I just tried out a bad gag on the Mrs. It was really bad as she could still speak.
Spielberg is following up the success of war horse with a film about Bobby Charlton's relationship with his brother called wor Jackie, .
If the F.A. insist that the new England manager must be fluent in English, does that rule out Roy Hodgson?
In restaurants it is rumoured than Sun reporters always pay the bill.
A thief wearing indoor shoes keeps nicking stuff from our shop. We can't catch the slippery little bugger.
I wonder if Hugh ever reciprocated the love that Whitney Huston was saving all her love for.
Who the hell is this Evans bloke and why should we be thanking him for little girls? Sounds a bit sinister to me.
Following the failure of the hedgehog flavoured crisps, Walkers have adapted the concept to produce prickled onion flavour.
I had only 3 minutes to last to win the "world hold a peanut up your nose" championships, then I blew it.
n bed a night, my left leg makes a series of profane noises. After an examination, the doctor told me I had very coarse veins.
I wrote a superb set of jokes about washing lines for my stand up debut but the lousy venue manager refused to let me use any props.
For fun, I often dress up as Sherlock Holmes and harass old ladies on the street. I always wear my old dear stalker hat.
I just got almost blinded in a taxi that was full of spotlights. It's the last time I use an acne cab.
I have invented a voice activated car. If you are mute there is an override button starter, it goes without saying.
I asked for a quote from the tailor for a new gusset in my trousers. He could only give me a ball park figure.
Just saw a bloke on a picket line who looked just like me. It was a striking resemblance.
Our local catholic priest complained of an increased heart beat every time he made a sermon. Doctors diagnosed pulpitations.
My Mum and dad were very cold hearted people. I think they were my froster parents.
My vertically challenged mate is an avid diarist and dresses as a dandy at weekends. We call him little Beau Pepys.
My mate has a book which has every known profanity listed. He swears by it.
Our local river crossing was designed by a female German pugilist. It's a box Gerda Bridge.
Russian peasants, when hit across the face by the Russian king, were often Tsar struck for weeks.
Just got back from the UK erectile dysfunction championships. I did well only getting knocked out in the semi's
I sent my mate out for drugs late last night but he cocked up and came back empty handed. He has terrible nocturnal E Missions.
Rumours of marriage between the daughter of Mr. T and Al Fayed's son have been denied. A spokesman for the couple say they are Miss T Fayed.
A single buttock had been found partially buried on Wimbledon Common. Police say the culprit had made a half arsed attempt at burying it.
Hopes of finding a missing demo tape by a popular irish family band are diminishing. A spokesman says it's now a lost Corrs.
I've given up trying to write a book about embroidery techniques of the 15th century as I keep losing my thread.
In Saudi Arabia, the punishment for giving a girl the eye is 40 lashes
Our carrier at work wears his jeans low cut. We call him foggy God because he moves in a misty hairy arsed way.
My mate said I was like Douglas Fairbanks. I thought he saw me as "suave and sophisticated" but he meant I was a thief of bad gags.
If you want to know how long it takes for a famous dead person to decompose there is a new book out called Ooze who?
Roadside Advertising Made Easy by Bill Boards
Bouncing off Walls by Rick O'Shea
Finding your own space by Terry Torial
24 hours from now by Tom Orrow.
A cup full of semen by Jack Potts
The Ex Virgin by Penny Tration
Dribbling at the Mouth by Sally Vates
How to Fade into the Background by Peter Out
A Gift fit for a King by Frank Incence
Feeling Sick by Billy Uss
Indian Tango Moves by Dan Singh
Treating itchy Spots by Callum Mine.
Improve your appearance by Luke Betta.
Decorative Door Surrounds by Archie Trave
Learn the Alphabet by Jayden Kaye
How to fleece a woman by Connor Outofvit
Modes of Transport by Oscar Andtrain
How to reduce staffing Costs by Isaac Emall
How to cut down on Calories by Finlay Spread
The Genius by Noah Lott
Popular Seaside resorts by Leon Sea
How to Mark your Cattle painlessly by Brandon Swift
How to Span a River by Bailey Bridge
How to get Noticed by Luca Titt
Just the Two of Us by Ewan Mee
Looking After baby by Mollie Coddle
Dirty Knickers by Esther ****ten. (This was a real person)
How to improve Breast Posture by Eva Mupp
Labiaplasty by Anita Flap
caught in the Act by Yvonne Urnikas.
Gender Separation by Ian Shee
Too Many Repeats by Ella Nuther
How To Reduce the Jail Population by Frida Prisoner
keeping flies off your rubbish by Lydia Dustbin
How to stop a Ship Sinking by Mandy Pumps
Cross Dressing by Nancy Boyes
The art of Book reading by Paige Turner
Do it Yourself by Ahmed Thiss.
What Can you Buy for Just Over a Penny by Arthur Sixpence
Plain Speaking in Church by Benny Diction.
The Joys of masturbation by Gloria Swank.
Can You Tell what it is Yet by Drew Badly.
Sewage Disposal made easy by Dwayne Pipe.
No to Boycotts by Geoffrey Area
Gym Wear by Leo Tard
Exam Results by Marcus Fairley
Going over the Top by Austin Taycious.
Crease Free Outdoor Wear by Angus McCoatup
Perfect Chips by Crispin Side
How to make a Grave by Doug Aditch
Keeping Allergy Free by Dustin Daley
Crash Helmets by Edgar Ding
On the Toss of a Coin by Edwin Tailslose
Keep your car Safe by Garry Jdoor
How to Turn the Tables as a Matador by Igor Bulls
100 Uses for Puss by lancelot o'Boyles.
How to Stay Alert by Luke Sharpe
Coping with the Menopause by Mahmood Changes
No V.P.L. by Nicholas Bottom
How to Keep the rain Out by Rufus Ahome
The Perfect Cake by Xavier Aslice
My neighbour is using my BT broadband service tonight and I am using his virgin cable. I'm well into this wifi swapping.
I'm addicted to tree felling so the doctor has advised me to cut down a little
Our local school of motoring is offering a crash course. Seems a little pessimistic to me.
Just launched a new group called the flotation devices. I expect them to be the ultimate in buoy bands.
My wife prefers to make love like Sting, by ranting angrily and throwing a hissy fit. Personally I don't care much for this tantrum sex.
Gossip columnists report that Ashley Cole and Anne Diamond are seeing each other after meeting at a carbon dating agency.
I've invented a new lube for carnivores flavoured with bacon. It's spreads really well but tends to go crispy and make the sheets streaky.
My mate just rang and asked me to call round. He is stuck in his wardrobe. I told him to hang in there.
A new undertakers and chip shop has opened locally run by Chinese. They call it R Kelly's. They bereave they can fry.
I heard a Georgie talking about Warsaw. I asked him how he enjoyed Poland but he was actually trying to to find something to cut wood with.
I'm reading a funny book by the bloke who wrote Tess. Its about plants that live for more than two years. It's a Hardy perennial.
My mate takes a hip flask to work. He also takes a trendy lunchbox and designer bicycle clips.
My mate who is hard of hearing, got into hot water when he was asked for a date and took out his next door neighbours cistern.
I have asked a Mafia lawyer to handle my personal injury claim. They offer a no win no feet service.
Staff caught red handed with over £10,000 worth of oxo and bovril cubes said they were only stock taking.
I asked the girlfriend for phone sex this morning but she refused until we are engaged.
I then phoned her asking if there was any chance of a 69 tonight but she said I had the wrong number
When scientists announced the successful growing of a cats foot from foetal tissue, there was a pregnant paws.
My boss just told me he had a great deal for me and handed me my cards.
I've been arrested for farting in a mosque. My solicitor thinks it's a trumped up charge.
I asked my German friend why he thought that the future was looking good and he told me he had a gut feeling.
A dodgy curry meant that Beethoven's sixth symphony had five movements instead of the traditional four
I went on an artificial insemination course at a local farm. I couldn't get the hang of it but next time I'm sure I'll pull it off.
During the war then navy wanted to reintroduce a super sized cat o nine tails to install discipline. A huge backlash prevented it's use.
Went for an interview as a pearl diver yesterday. It went quite well but I'm not holding my breath.
My dyslexic, breast fetish friend has been going to the local church for weeks. He's stopped now I've pointed out it isn't a Baptits Church.
The actor who played Micky Miller in Eastenders has made a short adventure film about the metal clasp on a sandal. It's a real swashbuckler
My dyslexic friend wanted to lose weight but ended up in a cafe where a gay voyeurs club meet called watchwaiters.
My wife bought me a stovepipe hat for my birthday. I've had the flu ever since.
My Dad was furious when I married my girfriend from Seoul. Apparently he actually told me I needed to get a career.
I thought of a great wheeze down at the asthma clinic today.
I love the sensation on my fingertips when I prise the memory card out of my phone. It's the sim pull pleasures that are the best.
With his pay off the ex Chelsea Manager now wants to be known as Andreas Two Villas Boas.
I've written a script set in WW2 about a love affair on a train station between a poultry breeder and a herdsman. I call it beef hen counter
Last time I was in Paris I saw an electicity pylon with loads of naked women draped over it. I had no idea it was the eye full tower.
The doctor told me to write down what I ate to find out why I am constipated. It was a great idea as I can now work it out with a pencil.
Just had some broth made by Norman Cook, Alistair Cook and Roger Cook. It was terrible.
Stayed at a B&B last night and it was full of impersonators of Lisa Minellis ex husband. Bloody Gest Houses.
A meeting of the National Union of Railwaymen was called off at Euston Station when a delegate took the platform.
If you are caught plagiarising a dictionary, the courts throw the book at you.
Our gay neighbour calls his house Tudor Pillars.
What did been sprouts used to be?
My epileptic brittle boned friend went into a stupor whilst playing cards last night but I managed to snap him out of it.
I ordered sea food at a restaurant last night and I was charged protection money before it was served. Bloody Kray Fish.
The first rule of fart club is to never follow through on your threats.
I used to have a job picking up anorexic people when they collapsed but lately work has been thin on the ground.
When I first met my wife, her eyes were like glistening jewels. I completely forgot what I metaphor.
You don't live longer by giving up alcohol, meat, dairy products and sex. It just seems longer.
My mate's mother is Austrian and his Dad Indian. He's a superb classical composer but shuns the limelight. We call him Haydn Sikh.
My Lorry failed it's M.O.T. The police caught me driving it and are taking me to court. Buggers are simply jumping on the banned wagon.
Not only was I amazed to hear of a proposed hosepipe ban I was astounded to learn that prostitutes prefer to use them rather than cigarettes
I just got back from the dentist. He says my teeth are covered in yellowish plaque. I fear my secret fetish of licking war memorials is out.
Before using the services of the ladies in Amsterdam, I like a pint of Directors Bitter. Nothing beats a little Dutch Courage.
Our local school turned down my dads offer to talk about his wartime job as they felt that a spiv wasn't a proper occupation.
My mate was taken to court for selling electricity generated by his own farts. The judge threw it out saying the charges were trumped up.
My cousin Eileen didn't know what Bukkake was until a Dexy's Midnight Runners disc played at a party.
I used to have a loaf of bread on a lead to keep me company but, since I started slicing it I am left with only crumb pets.
I didn't want a starter at the third Reich themed restaurant but I had no choice other than to obey hors d'œuvres.
I thought a stunner in the changing rooms was seducing me with her dress over her head but it seems she was only trying it on.
I thought I had a bargain when offered a nuclear powered watch for £50 but it turned out to be a wind up.
The rumour I have made a mattress filled with millions of stolen Kleenex is a tissue of lies.
acoustic --- pole used to make pigeons sing
Of all the wooden Prime Ministers we have had, the most realistic was Pitt the Elder.
When Eric Morecambe became involved with Luton Town he tried to Bayern Munich.
I'd like an ankle transplant but I can't afford to foot the bill.
American generals in ww2 gradually got more and more aggressive until it was inevitable that a Patton would emerge
I attempted to ask for a 69 in a Bangkok brothel but ended up tongue Thaid.
I had ambitions to be a Formula One ace but I lacked the drive
Lemons are disappearing fast. This tasty fruit is in danger of becoming extinct. Trees are being felled every day. Send £2 to lemon aid now.
Cenotaph -- Brazillian/Welsh racing driver
crudities --- poor taste poems
intersperse --- White Hart Lane follower
In her last book, Enid Blyton had Big Ears slayed. His body resides in a Noddy Holder.
In my opinion circles are absolutely pointless
Poor Gerry McCann. Now he is criticized for storing petrol
I got a job as a baggage handler at Manchester Airport when asked by my tutor to undertake a case study for my course work.
Once you have assassinated one knight of the realm you just cannot stop. It's a vicious sir Cull.
With the price of diesel going up and up Dervla Kirwan must be worth a fortune.
A stoke city player will only meet women in derelict houses. Dilapidated them.
Chris Kamara has a permanent toilet attendant at his house. He's a Kami Kazi Pilot.
I used to enjoy hobnobbing with my wealthy neighbours until I burnt it on a halogen ring.
When I see white spots my mind goes blank then everyone else follows. It's like a domino effect.
I was sure I saw Stuart Goddard in a shop this morning but he was adamant I was wrong.
Canada has made a small Island off the coast a haven for all types of deer. It's called Elkatraz.
I'm doing a stage play of Hitchcocks "the Birds". The crows keep losing plumage but luckily we have plenty of spares ready in the wings.
One of a pair of identical twins has died and left our campanologist group. Luckily he was a dead ringer for his brother who has joined.
There are police at the door and the neighbours after my blood but I can confirm there are at least 47 different ways to skin a cat.
When the Lone Ranger celebrated his Silver wedding, guests were shocked when he took his horse up the aisle.
balderdash --- short sprint for the follically challenged
By night I steal double glazed units from people's windows. It's a panes taking process.
Due to bad health I owe the local herbalist a fortune for herbal remedies. I went to see the G.P. She told me I was living on borrowed Thyme
When my son told me he had a burning ambition to be an arsonist when he left school, I was appalled but now, I am warming to the idea..
I tried phone sex yesterday. At first it was a disaster due to my hang ups but I am now proud to announce we are engaged.
I suppose when the next Apple computer comes out we can expect none stop hype Ads.
I failed the audition for the lead role in a film about a man with a broken penis but got a small part in the cast.
orthopaedic --- writer specialising in stories about the male urinary system
A 6 foot 10 inch chemist described as "arrogant" by his employers lost his claim for unfair dismissal. He was just too big for his Boots
David Milliband's speeches are to be streamed live on the internet but will only be available if you have a boredband connection.
Tuesday 27 March 2012
Racism, Politics and being English.
How easy it is to fall foul of people on any of the above subjects. No matter how reasonable you try to be you can guarantee to upset the sensibilities of a myriad of people.
These are my views. You may agree or disagree but you are more then entitled to an opinion, an opinion that many would seek to deny you.
Racism is abhorrent. I cannot understand how anyone can judge a person on the basis of where they were born (not including the Irish of course). See what I did there? A naughty little racist Irish joke. Hopefully the law won't be calling anytime soon and anyhow, I am from Irish stock so I can poke a little fun at my own. My Grandfather was born on the Isle of Wight as his father was posted there when he was in the Royal Irish Fusiliers. When my Grandma wanted to rile him she would call him an Englishman and that would do the trick. This was not because he hated the English. All his dozens of Grandchildren were English as were his son in law and his four daughters in law. He was a proud Irishman but that was as far as it went. He fought for the British in WW1 as did all four sons in WW2.
Maybe it's easier if English is your native tongue and you are white. I am sure it is. Being English is not about where you are born. My Dad was born in France and lived there until he was 14 but ask him what he is and he says "English". Being English is taking pride in what the Country has achieved, not its wrong doings. It is taking pride in it's heritage, it's culture, it's writers and poets and past statesman. The Industrial revolution and the countless other life changing developments pioneered by them. I am proud to have this as my heritage as should others, even if their roots are based elsewhere.
We have allowed the flag to be taken over by extremist groups and we have encouraged extremist groups through weak government. Can anyone really say there was much choice at the last election? I am from a working class labour voting family. Most immigrant families vote labour. They still do which was, in my opinion, one of the main reasons for the huge increase during the last government's stint. When I was a kid it was all Harold Wilson, the Profumo affair and communist agitation. I all to well remember the 70's when the seeds for the countries demise in manufacturing were sown by intransigent unions wanting to hold on to outdated practices which were fine pre war but badly outdated post. Yes, Margaret Thatcher made it worse but, by then it was too late. The country was a joke. Strikes, poor quality and apathy were the hallmarks of British Industry. We simply allowed the world to pass us and wave us goodbye.
Now, politicians dare not stray from the middle ground. Right or left are vilified. Give me a government lead by Ken Livingstone or one lead by John Redwood rather than the rubbish we now have. At least you could see the difference. They all have their noses in the trough. The difference between Cameron and Milliband? None! They are from the same mould. My timeline is full of musings on Cameron and co. I agree with much of it but the utopian state that we lived in before them passed me by. All I saw was a desperate government trying to buy popularity with ridiculous policies and actions ans running the Country into the Abyss.
Sadly I feel it is too late. The silent majority will stay silent due to a mixture of apathy and sense of hopelessness. We will not gravitate to the highest common factor but the lowest common denominator. At least not all the phrases I learned in Maths were wasted.
These are my views. You may agree or disagree but you are more then entitled to an opinion, an opinion that many would seek to deny you.
Racism is abhorrent. I cannot understand how anyone can judge a person on the basis of where they were born (not including the Irish of course). See what I did there? A naughty little racist Irish joke. Hopefully the law won't be calling anytime soon and anyhow, I am from Irish stock so I can poke a little fun at my own. My Grandfather was born on the Isle of Wight as his father was posted there when he was in the Royal Irish Fusiliers. When my Grandma wanted to rile him she would call him an Englishman and that would do the trick. This was not because he hated the English. All his dozens of Grandchildren were English as were his son in law and his four daughters in law. He was a proud Irishman but that was as far as it went. He fought for the British in WW1 as did all four sons in WW2.
Maybe it's easier if English is your native tongue and you are white. I am sure it is. Being English is not about where you are born. My Dad was born in France and lived there until he was 14 but ask him what he is and he says "English". Being English is taking pride in what the Country has achieved, not its wrong doings. It is taking pride in it's heritage, it's culture, it's writers and poets and past statesman. The Industrial revolution and the countless other life changing developments pioneered by them. I am proud to have this as my heritage as should others, even if their roots are based elsewhere.
We have allowed the flag to be taken over by extremist groups and we have encouraged extremist groups through weak government. Can anyone really say there was much choice at the last election? I am from a working class labour voting family. Most immigrant families vote labour. They still do which was, in my opinion, one of the main reasons for the huge increase during the last government's stint. When I was a kid it was all Harold Wilson, the Profumo affair and communist agitation. I all to well remember the 70's when the seeds for the countries demise in manufacturing were sown by intransigent unions wanting to hold on to outdated practices which were fine pre war but badly outdated post. Yes, Margaret Thatcher made it worse but, by then it was too late. The country was a joke. Strikes, poor quality and apathy were the hallmarks of British Industry. We simply allowed the world to pass us and wave us goodbye.
Now, politicians dare not stray from the middle ground. Right or left are vilified. Give me a government lead by Ken Livingstone or one lead by John Redwood rather than the rubbish we now have. At least you could see the difference. They all have their noses in the trough. The difference between Cameron and Milliband? None! They are from the same mould. My timeline is full of musings on Cameron and co. I agree with much of it but the utopian state that we lived in before them passed me by. All I saw was a desperate government trying to buy popularity with ridiculous policies and actions ans running the Country into the Abyss.
Sadly I feel it is too late. The silent majority will stay silent due to a mixture of apathy and sense of hopelessness. We will not gravitate to the highest common factor but the lowest common denominator. At least not all the phrases I learned in Maths were wasted.
Thursday 8 March 2012
Afghanistan and Politics
I try not to make political posts on my timeline although I sometimes cannot resist. If I am honest, my views seem to go contra to most of my followers so it's probably cowardice that stops me commenting more, that, and the fact that politics is a personal thing with me and I joined twitter for amusement with some debate, not the other way around.
The murder of six soldiers yesterday is an abomination and just as tortuous is the droning on of politicians trying to explain why their deaths were necessary. There is nothing that can justify this ritual sacrifice of 404 young men.
In the late 1970's the Soviet government committed over 100,000 troops to suppress Afghanistan and it ended in humiliation and abject failure. At its height, the British empire failed as have every other invader or would be conqueror over the centuries.
On radio 5 this morning a correspondent told of his trip to a town a few months ago where he saw a brand new building that had been completely wrecked. When he enquired what it was he was told it was a new school for boys and girls. As soon as it was finished it was set on fire by men from the local village who objected to girls being educated. They were not Taliban, but ordinary Afghans.
The Afghan government is corrupt as is the system where local warlords still influence everything. The so called army in training will fold once the coalition troops withdraw as their families will be put in danger by the Taliban. The Taliban themselves are no longer risking men and rely on I.U.D's for murder. They know they have no chance in a traditional firefight. They have been given the green light to take over again at the end of 2014 so why risk men now?
Thanks to Blair we became embroiled in an unwinnable war. I am a firm supporter of the US but not their foreign policy. They continually get it wrong. Vietnam seemed to teach them nothing. Growing up I saw news items every day about death and destruction their until we were totally immune to it. This cannot happen in the Middle east and other hotspots.
You cannot change the habits and lifestyles of nations going back thousands of years with guns and money. Sometimes things are what they are and you have to accept it. I totally reject the stupid comments that our being in Afghanistan makes us safer over here. What ridiculous bollocks that is. The 7/7 bombers were inspired by our involvement in Muslim lands not supportive of them. We would be best served spending the vast amounts of money wasted keeping our own borders tight and our own population safe.
Is Iraq a democracy? Is it hell. Libya is on the verge of splitting into two which will then probably result in a war between the rich side and the poor side. I assume we will support, along with our US cousins, the oil rich side.
Start an orderly withdrawal now. It is never too late.
The murder of six soldiers yesterday is an abomination and just as tortuous is the droning on of politicians trying to explain why their deaths were necessary. There is nothing that can justify this ritual sacrifice of 404 young men.
In the late 1970's the Soviet government committed over 100,000 troops to suppress Afghanistan and it ended in humiliation and abject failure. At its height, the British empire failed as have every other invader or would be conqueror over the centuries.
On radio 5 this morning a correspondent told of his trip to a town a few months ago where he saw a brand new building that had been completely wrecked. When he enquired what it was he was told it was a new school for boys and girls. As soon as it was finished it was set on fire by men from the local village who objected to girls being educated. They were not Taliban, but ordinary Afghans.
The Afghan government is corrupt as is the system where local warlords still influence everything. The so called army in training will fold once the coalition troops withdraw as their families will be put in danger by the Taliban. The Taliban themselves are no longer risking men and rely on I.U.D's for murder. They know they have no chance in a traditional firefight. They have been given the green light to take over again at the end of 2014 so why risk men now?
Thanks to Blair we became embroiled in an unwinnable war. I am a firm supporter of the US but not their foreign policy. They continually get it wrong. Vietnam seemed to teach them nothing. Growing up I saw news items every day about death and destruction their until we were totally immune to it. This cannot happen in the Middle east and other hotspots.
You cannot change the habits and lifestyles of nations going back thousands of years with guns and money. Sometimes things are what they are and you have to accept it. I totally reject the stupid comments that our being in Afghanistan makes us safer over here. What ridiculous bollocks that is. The 7/7 bombers were inspired by our involvement in Muslim lands not supportive of them. We would be best served spending the vast amounts of money wasted keeping our own borders tight and our own population safe.
Is Iraq a democracy? Is it hell. Libya is on the verge of splitting into two which will then probably result in a war between the rich side and the poor side. I assume we will support, along with our US cousins, the oil rich side.
Start an orderly withdrawal now. It is never too late.
Monday 5 March 2012
I just don't get it.
Do you always get it? I don't. Sometimes I think I am a man out of sync with the rest of the world or perhaps I am just to naive or uncultured.
I began to notice it as a child. I never followed trends. Whilst my peers were raving over this group or that piece of clothing or some girl or other, I just didn't get it. Why would I want to follow something that everyone else did? Why not be a little individual? It always amused the hell out of me as one pop culture fad was replaced by another. I smiled as a youth on the television news expressed his individuality by super gluing his hair into the style of a cockatoo and piercing his lips with safety pins, just like all the others who were also expressing their individuality by doing precisely the same thing.
I never had "nights out with the lads" I just didn't get it. A group of husbands together getting pissed in the pub, leaving their bored wives at home seemed like a very bad idea to me. Perhaps that is enough said on this aspect of "not getting it".
I can add whole lists of other things, far too many to mention. A good example would be Bruce Springsteen and the Eagles. I have never heard a single song of his or theirs that I wanted to hear again. I don't get it. The same goes for Sarah Millican, currently the hot spot on the BBC. It is difficult to find schedules without her these days. She is mildly amusing but so is my dog and he has no chance of his own series. There is a perfect example on the Telly now. Alan Titchmarsh. I don't get it. What the hell is the attraction? How do these people manage it?
Hopefully there will be plenty of you who feel the same as me. It was twitter that inspired this blog. There is a Tweeter whose posts are constantly re-tweeted by posters aspiring to be lauded like the object of their adoration. I have seen the odd one that made me smile but nothing that beats stuff posted by the peeps I follow.
I hope I go on not getting it. Supporting the labour party, believing in God, McDonalds, the list goes on. I just hope that when you finish this, you may get me a little better.
I began to notice it as a child. I never followed trends. Whilst my peers were raving over this group or that piece of clothing or some girl or other, I just didn't get it. Why would I want to follow something that everyone else did? Why not be a little individual? It always amused the hell out of me as one pop culture fad was replaced by another. I smiled as a youth on the television news expressed his individuality by super gluing his hair into the style of a cockatoo and piercing his lips with safety pins, just like all the others who were also expressing their individuality by doing precisely the same thing.
I never had "nights out with the lads" I just didn't get it. A group of husbands together getting pissed in the pub, leaving their bored wives at home seemed like a very bad idea to me. Perhaps that is enough said on this aspect of "not getting it".
I can add whole lists of other things, far too many to mention. A good example would be Bruce Springsteen and the Eagles. I have never heard a single song of his or theirs that I wanted to hear again. I don't get it. The same goes for Sarah Millican, currently the hot spot on the BBC. It is difficult to find schedules without her these days. She is mildly amusing but so is my dog and he has no chance of his own series. There is a perfect example on the Telly now. Alan Titchmarsh. I don't get it. What the hell is the attraction? How do these people manage it?
Hopefully there will be plenty of you who feel the same as me. It was twitter that inspired this blog. There is a Tweeter whose posts are constantly re-tweeted by posters aspiring to be lauded like the object of their adoration. I have seen the odd one that made me smile but nothing that beats stuff posted by the peeps I follow.
I hope I go on not getting it. Supporting the labour party, believing in God, McDonalds, the list goes on. I just hope that when you finish this, you may get me a little better.
Friday 2 March 2012
Last Weeks Book Titles.
Roadside Advertising Made Easy by Bill Boards
Bouncing off Walls by Rick O'Shea
Finding your own space by Terry Torial
24 hours from now by Tom Orrow.
A cup full of semen by Jack Potts
The Ex Virgin by Penny Tration
Dribbling at the Mouth by Sally Vates
How to Fade into the Background by Peter Out
A Gift fit for a King by Frank Incence
Feeling Sick by Billy Uss
Indian Tango Moves by Dan Singh
Treating itchy Spots by Callum Mine.
Improve your appearance by Luke Betta.
Decorative Door Surrounds by Archie Trave
Learn the Alphabet by Jayden Kaye
How to fleece a woman by Connor Outofvit
Modes of Transport by Oscar Andtrain
How to reduce staffing Costs by Isaac Emall
How to cut down on Calories by Finlay Spread
The Genius by Noah Lott
Popular Seaside resorts by Leon Sea
How to Mark your Cattle painlessly by Brandon Swift
How to Span a River by Bailey Bridge
How to get Noticed by Luca Titt
Just the Two of Us by Ewan Mee
Looking After baby by Mollie Coddle
Dirty Knickers by Esther ****ten. (This was a real person)
How to improve Breast Posture by Eva Mupp
Labiaplasty by Anita Flap
caught in the Act by Yvonne Urnikas.
Gender Separation by Ian Shee
Too Many Repeats by Ella Nuther
How To Reduce the Jail Population by Frida Prisoner
keeping flies off your rubbish by Lydia Dustbin
How to stop a Ship Sinking by Mandy Pumps
Cross Dressing by Nancy Boyes
The art of Book reading by Paige Turner
Do it Yourself by Ahmed Thiss.
What Can you Buy for Just Over a Penny by Arthur Sixpence
Plain Speaking in Church by Benny Diction.
The Joys of masturbation by Gloria Swank.
Can You Tell what it is Yet by Drew Badly.
Sewage Disposal made easy by Dwayne Pipe.
No to Boycotts by Geoffrey Area
Gym Wear by Leo Tard
Exam Results by Marcus Fairley
Going over the Top by Austin Taycious.
Crease Free Outdoor Wear by Angus McCoatup
Perfect Chips by Crispin Side
How to make a Grave by Doug Aditch
Keeping Allergy Free by Dustin Daley
Crash Helmets by Edgar Ding
On the Toss of a Coin by Edwin Tailslose
Keep your car Safe by Garry Jdoor
How to Turn the Tables as a Matador by Igor Bulls
100 Uses for Puss by lancelot o'Boyles.
How to Stay Alert by Luke Sharpe
Coping with the Menopause by Mahmood Changes
No V.P.L. by Nicholas Bottom
How to Keep the rain Out by Rufus Ahome
The Perfect Cake by Xavier Aslice
Bouncing off Walls by Rick O'Shea
Finding your own space by Terry Torial
24 hours from now by Tom Orrow.
A cup full of semen by Jack Potts
The Ex Virgin by Penny Tration
Dribbling at the Mouth by Sally Vates
How to Fade into the Background by Peter Out
A Gift fit for a King by Frank Incence
Feeling Sick by Billy Uss
Indian Tango Moves by Dan Singh
Treating itchy Spots by Callum Mine.
Improve your appearance by Luke Betta.
Decorative Door Surrounds by Archie Trave
Learn the Alphabet by Jayden Kaye
How to fleece a woman by Connor Outofvit
Modes of Transport by Oscar Andtrain
How to reduce staffing Costs by Isaac Emall
How to cut down on Calories by Finlay Spread
The Genius by Noah Lott
Popular Seaside resorts by Leon Sea
How to Mark your Cattle painlessly by Brandon Swift
How to Span a River by Bailey Bridge
How to get Noticed by Luca Titt
Just the Two of Us by Ewan Mee
Looking After baby by Mollie Coddle
Dirty Knickers by Esther ****ten. (This was a real person)
How to improve Breast Posture by Eva Mupp
Labiaplasty by Anita Flap
caught in the Act by Yvonne Urnikas.
Gender Separation by Ian Shee
Too Many Repeats by Ella Nuther
How To Reduce the Jail Population by Frida Prisoner
keeping flies off your rubbish by Lydia Dustbin
How to stop a Ship Sinking by Mandy Pumps
Cross Dressing by Nancy Boyes
The art of Book reading by Paige Turner
Do it Yourself by Ahmed Thiss.
What Can you Buy for Just Over a Penny by Arthur Sixpence
Plain Speaking in Church by Benny Diction.
The Joys of masturbation by Gloria Swank.
Can You Tell what it is Yet by Drew Badly.
Sewage Disposal made easy by Dwayne Pipe.
No to Boycotts by Geoffrey Area
Gym Wear by Leo Tard
Exam Results by Marcus Fairley
Going over the Top by Austin Taycious.
Crease Free Outdoor Wear by Angus McCoatup
Perfect Chips by Crispin Side
How to make a Grave by Doug Aditch
Keeping Allergy Free by Dustin Daley
Crash Helmets by Edgar Ding
On the Toss of a Coin by Edwin Tailslose
Keep your car Safe by Garry Jdoor
How to Turn the Tables as a Matador by Igor Bulls
100 Uses for Puss by lancelot o'Boyles.
How to Stay Alert by Luke Sharpe
Coping with the Menopause by Mahmood Changes
No V.P.L. by Nicholas Bottom
How to Keep the rain Out by Rufus Ahome
The Perfect Cake by Xavier Aslice
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