It's a while since I added anything to my blog so I have been racking my brains in the hope that something inspirational would come to the fore and give me something to write about. Alas, nothing has happened that has given me cause to write so I decided I would write about nothing at all. You would think that it should be easy to write about nothing. After all, we spend a great deal of time doing nothing (except the more exciting amongst us who probably spend time thinking about doing something whilst they are doing nothing) but, despite this, I have found it quite difficult to write about nothing.
I thought it might help if I set out a list of nothings to write about and I listed them from 1 to 10. I only got as far as 1 (which became the title of this blog) and then, I ran out of ideas. I did, at this point, wonder if it was possible to walk out of ideas as opposed to running. If you are going to dry up why would you want to hurry there and make yourself feel even more inadequate? Surely it makes mores sense to walk out of ideas and I have decided that this is the method I shall adopt in future projects.
In summary, writing about nothing did give me something to write about even though it amounted to nothing at the end of it. If you have persisted in reading this far, you are either terminally bored or wondering if there is, after all going to be a point to this and, perhaps a superbly witty punchline. I am sorry to say you are going to be very disappointed as, what better way to finish an article about nothing is there than
Monday 21 November 2011
Friday 4 November 2011
Cialis
I did make a promise on my "erectile dysfunction" post that I wouldn't give regular updates on events as it is not something I particularly want to remind myself, or others about but, Mrs Bats had an on line conversation with the wife of a fellow post op that deserves repeating.
He had surgery three years ago and ever since, has not been able to raise even a smile. He had become resigned to the fact that his copulating days were over and at least he could still use it to pee out of and keep his redundant testicles company. He had been taking the drug "Cialis" all this time, on a daily basis, but it seemed to have no effect. Most male readers will have had spam email from people trying to sell them Cialis on line. It is from the same drug family as Viagra and is apparently much sought after by men wishing to sustain the action a little longer and on demand.
As I said, the drug had not done a thing until, suddenly, a couple of weeks ago, it happened. He felt movement whilst in a supermarket with his wife and "boom" he had an erection you could have hung a horses saddle on. The erection was so strong and unexpected he began to panic. It became painful. he had to sit down as he wasn't able to set it free in the Ladies Lingerie aisle. In some pain he managed to get into the car and free the beast as his wife drove home.
They had read the leaflets and waited for a half an hour or so to see if it stopped. It didn't. They rang the hospital. They asked them if they had anything like frozen peas in the freezer. They did. They packed his willy with the produce and he sat, like an advert for toad in the hole for, wait for it, FOUR and a Half Hours before it finally gave way.
I can't help thinking he missed a business opportunity. He could have invited local frustrated women over and seen to them all without batting an eyelid. He could have used it to make doughnuts or let the local Darby and Joan club use him as a temporary hoop la sideshow. Joking aside, it couldn't have been much fun. I hope, if I have the same reaction, I will be at home. Knowing my luck I will be in the local primary school playground picking my Granddaughter up. If and when, I will let you know.
He had surgery three years ago and ever since, has not been able to raise even a smile. He had become resigned to the fact that his copulating days were over and at least he could still use it to pee out of and keep his redundant testicles company. He had been taking the drug "Cialis" all this time, on a daily basis, but it seemed to have no effect. Most male readers will have had spam email from people trying to sell them Cialis on line. It is from the same drug family as Viagra and is apparently much sought after by men wishing to sustain the action a little longer and on demand.
As I said, the drug had not done a thing until, suddenly, a couple of weeks ago, it happened. He felt movement whilst in a supermarket with his wife and "boom" he had an erection you could have hung a horses saddle on. The erection was so strong and unexpected he began to panic. It became painful. he had to sit down as he wasn't able to set it free in the Ladies Lingerie aisle. In some pain he managed to get into the car and free the beast as his wife drove home.
They had read the leaflets and waited for a half an hour or so to see if it stopped. It didn't. They rang the hospital. They asked them if they had anything like frozen peas in the freezer. They did. They packed his willy with the produce and he sat, like an advert for toad in the hole for, wait for it, FOUR and a Half Hours before it finally gave way.
I can't help thinking he missed a business opportunity. He could have invited local frustrated women over and seen to them all without batting an eyelid. He could have used it to make doughnuts or let the local Darby and Joan club use him as a temporary hoop la sideshow. Joking aside, it couldn't have been much fun. I hope, if I have the same reaction, I will be at home. Knowing my luck I will be in the local primary school playground picking my Granddaughter up. If and when, I will let you know.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Benidorm
I didn't go with high expectations. Truthfully, I went with very low expectations. My expectations were justified. I assume it was either Nicolae Ceausescu or Mao Tse Tung who did the original design for the place. Mao once decreed that the colour green was bad for the soul and he made thousands of forced labourers paint green grass another colour. Ceausescu on the other hand was a concrete fanatic and set about demolishing centuries old villages and replacing them with monolithic concrete tower blocks. Both men would have been at home in Benidorm. We walked the full length of both bays many times during the week and found only one square of grass (about 100mtrs x 30 mtrs) in the whole place. This was fenced off of course in case anyone had the mad idea of trying to walk on it.
We went because it was late in the year and the hotel had 100% good feedback from trip advisor. It would be churlish of me to criticise the hotel but we won't be going back. It was modern, clean, comfortable and the staff were excellent but it was full of brits. As we looked out of our seventh floor balcony we had marvellous views of the seventh floors of the hotels opposite and either side of us. These had the effect of blocking the sun for a good 50% of it's daily life.
We managed one evening ( I say evening it was about 90 minutes) in the lounge. Just as Germans must be sick of the war being mentioned, surely we Brits have moved beyond bingo? I was gobsmacked as the game unfurled and, when a line was won, everyone sang along with Cliff Richards singing "congratulations". After that on came "Mickey and Griff type singers (youngsters google them) which was our signal to go to bed. We didn't venture in at night again. Had there been a fancy dress night, I am sure there would have been dozens turning up as either Steven Hawking or Stavros from Dr. Who due to the number of people using mobility scooters.
I have looked up a meaning for "Benidorm" and I would suggest that "Fat tattooed Brit" would be an apt description. I have never seen so many old people with them and fat people too idle to walk, driving along the prom on scooters. A guy a year or two older than us was chatting in the hotel and remarked it was their fifth year in a row at the resort and hotel. I can only assume it was some sort of community service sentence he was carrying out.
One thing I was thankful for was topless sunbathing is no longer fashionable. The sight of elderly women throwing them over their shoulders or tucking them into bikini bottoms would be too much to bare in both senses of the word. It is still fashionable however for men with 60 inch waists to proudly exhibit them to an appreciative public.
I apologise if any of you are fans of the place. It just wasn't for us. If ever I want a similar experience I will sit under a sun lamp in the middle of Manchester for a few days. Manchester would also be a good choice as three of the days we were there it pissed it down all day.
We went because it was late in the year and the hotel had 100% good feedback from trip advisor. It would be churlish of me to criticise the hotel but we won't be going back. It was modern, clean, comfortable and the staff were excellent but it was full of brits. As we looked out of our seventh floor balcony we had marvellous views of the seventh floors of the hotels opposite and either side of us. These had the effect of blocking the sun for a good 50% of it's daily life.
We managed one evening ( I say evening it was about 90 minutes) in the lounge. Just as Germans must be sick of the war being mentioned, surely we Brits have moved beyond bingo? I was gobsmacked as the game unfurled and, when a line was won, everyone sang along with Cliff Richards singing "congratulations". After that on came "Mickey and Griff type singers (youngsters google them) which was our signal to go to bed. We didn't venture in at night again. Had there been a fancy dress night, I am sure there would have been dozens turning up as either Steven Hawking or Stavros from Dr. Who due to the number of people using mobility scooters.
I have looked up a meaning for "Benidorm" and I would suggest that "Fat tattooed Brit" would be an apt description. I have never seen so many old people with them and fat people too idle to walk, driving along the prom on scooters. A guy a year or two older than us was chatting in the hotel and remarked it was their fifth year in a row at the resort and hotel. I can only assume it was some sort of community service sentence he was carrying out.
One thing I was thankful for was topless sunbathing is no longer fashionable. The sight of elderly women throwing them over their shoulders or tucking them into bikini bottoms would be too much to bare in both senses of the word. It is still fashionable however for men with 60 inch waists to proudly exhibit them to an appreciative public.
I apologise if any of you are fans of the place. It just wasn't for us. If ever I want a similar experience I will sit under a sun lamp in the middle of Manchester for a few days. Manchester would also be a good choice as three of the days we were there it pissed it down all day.
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