I will soon be saying goodbye to an old friend. A very old friend indeed. A friend who I have never been separated from since we first met each other. How we used to show off when we were kids. Frightening the girls was a favourite, pre school and at primary. We had outside toilets at our junior school. The girls used to tuck their knickers into their skirts and do hand stands up against the outside wall. Me and my friend could scale the wall with a quick burst of pee and drench them.
As we got older, our tastes changed. Our interest in girls changed too. They were no longer objects of fun but objects of strange curiosity. My friend would stand to attention at the drop of a hat (or the flash of knickers) and goad me into joining him in exploring the pleasures of the flesh. How we gorged. Our relationship became ridiculously close. We went everywhere together. His tastes and senses were far more acute than mine. Often he would take an interest in a girl that I hadn't seen the immediate attraction in. His judgement at first was sound. I never doubted him and his (often reckless) excesses. I forgave him everything.
The girls loved him too. They never seemed to tire of his attention and appreciation. His stamina seemed to know no bounds, and even after an intense workout, he could recover in no time at all and start all over again. I could never envisage a time when we would fall out or not need each other. Our mutual tastes and pleasures were so entwined we were able to spend hours in no-ones company but our own, reminiscing, looking for new challenges, new opportunities.
Then came the bombshell. He seemed to be slowing down. He had lost none of his enthusiasm and his stamina could only be marvelled at, considering his age but, something was wrong. We both knew it and, reluctantly, we confided in physicians in order to find the problem. At first the prognosis was good. We brightened a little. Perhaps we could see this thing through. Our optimism was misplaced. The writing was on the wall.
Within the next few days, our lifelong bond will be broken. Surgery will take away his very essence, his raison d'etre. Oh yes, there is a chance that some recovery will take place, but it is not a good one. Severing of vital organs will totally end the one function he was so damned good at. Never again will I see that proud look as he spills all before cosying up and resting until called upon to perform again.
Prostate cancer, I will never forgive you for damaging my oldest most trusted friend. My willy R.I.P.
Thursday 30 June 2011
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Skeletons in the Closet
Despite its poor reputation for promoting the seamier side of life, the internet has also made so many different tasks simpler. My own business would not exist without it as I couldn’t possibly afford to travel around the Far East sourcing products. One or two clicks of a mouse and a whole myriad of products were at my fingertips. Another boon from the net has been tracing the past, in particular, your own past. A business trip to Belfast last year whetted my appetite to look in to my ancestry and, just over twelve months later, I have a published family tree with over 600 family members and more being added by the day. I have discovered cousins in Canada and the U.S. I had no idea existed. A few weeks ago a cousin visited from Canada for a couple of days. We knew nothing about each other until less than a year ago and there were many coincidences in our life patterns along the way. Her brother Ian even underwent the surgery I will be having in the next few days. Until I met him, I knew of no other cases of cancer in my family line. Heather started her research online thinking she was of Scottish extract with no other extended family. Now she knows she is Irish and has relatives by the score. Along the way she discovered her Grandfather was a double bigamist and had three families, none known to the others. I discovered my Granddad deserted from the Army in 1902 (it seems to get married) and was fined and dishonourably discharged. He redeemed himself, joining up in 1914 and being invalided out in 1916 after being buried alive by an exploding shell in the Flanders trenches. Just yesterday I found out which hospital he was in and I am now trying to find out anything I can about his stay there.
I owe my own existence to Michael Collins and his orders to execute a Lisburn based police inspector, witnessed by Aunts and Uncles as children outside church one Sunday lunchtime in 1920. This murder brought about the infamous Lisburn burnings. Without that, and the reprisals against Catholics in the town, my grandfather would never have emigrated to France and then to England where my parents eventually met. I have enjoyed the “Who do you think you are” series on the Beeb but most of us will have just as fascinating backgrounds if we only take the time to look. If you have not done so, I suggest you do. It is relatively cheap and the information is out there, if you take the time to look.
Thursday 23 June 2011
More one liners
I'm thinking of changing my hair style. A stone one would be more practical as the number of walkers has increased substantially lately.
I've been sacked by the local garden centre for not looking after the lawns properly. They gave me no warnings. I was just turfed out
I was thrown out of the magic circle as they said being dyslexic meant I couldn't spell properly.
When the Dr. asked me to come in short pants for my examination you can imagine my embarrassment at the misunderstanding.
I am opening a Hogwarts themed cafe with food served in flatbread. It's called Harry Pitta's
I've opened a themed cafe called cravats. We serve Thai food.
Just got back from the docs. I Had one of those annoying floaters in my eye. He told me to stop drinking out of the toilet bowl.
Kids are at a petting zoo. I'm fondling the mrs. next door at the heavy petting area.
Those golfers are pathetic taking a caddy with them every time they play a round. Why not make it easy and slip a flask in the bag?
Competitors in the German sausage eating championships have taken a turn for the wurst.
Damned Chinese car mechanic told me I had headlight problems. I bought new bulbs. Turned out I needed Hedrin and medicated shampoo.
They are casting locally for a production of the vagina monologues. I'm hoping to get a part in it.
Our local Chinese gangsters are looking for new members so they are going to triads in the local paper.
Golfer just took out a driver on the fairway. Bloody idiot shouldn't have parked there.
Ian Poulter had a 69 yesterday at the golf. It was a blow for the rest of the field.
Apparently panelists really enjoy recording "Q.I" but are never happy to go for a fry up afterwards.
Just got a quote of £3250 to have the house painted. Decided a photograph will be cheaper.
My pointing business has gone to the wall.
A thief dressed as a court jester stole our money from our lockers. We chased after him but he lead us a merry old dance.
I just got a job as P.R. for a firm marketing a new type of bicycle wheel. I am now their official spokes person.
My new business venture in producing Kangaroo meat is coming along in leaps and bounds.
Those who are guilty of cupboard love cannot complain when they are left on the shelf.
My mates fire breathing act was described as "rubbish" He was quite put out.
My dad used to tinkle on the ivories. His incontinence pants were useless.
The local chicken pox sufferers club is advertising a shingles only night.
My budgie was a bugger for flying into my tropical fish tank. I eventually had to knock him off his perch.
I was employed as a detective at a bedding factory investigating theft of sheets. I spent most of my time working under cover.
The audience were quite impressed at the ladies boxing championships until the referee knocked one out.
I bought a dvd from the market. It had a patch on it and was covered in salt and what looked like parrot shit. I think it was a pirate copy.
I asked the barman for a stiff drink. The viagra cocktail hit the spot.
I fell in love with a woman who assembled light switches on an assembly line. Ours was an on/off sort of romance.
I complained loudly to the decorator about the standard of his work but he just glossed over it.
I see those Irish family popsters have joined the charity brigade but feel that the name "Corrs for concern" is a little flippant.
I knew a scary frenchwoman who wore bread underwear. It was from a boo lingerie.
Following a lawn mower accident I kept falling over without warning. After tests, doctors advised me I was lack toes intolerant.
Sight sound, touch and taste were all a turn off to me until therapy helped me to come to my senses.
My wife's stutter means she has trouble with words like fellatio. She just can't get her mouth around it.
My drooling dyslexic mate was shocked to be given a tambourine when he believed he had joined the salivating army.
Children with special needs should be trained as bakers.
Just did some trading on the stock exchange. I just swapped a box of oxo cubes for a box of bisto.
My wife is in hospital having a CAT scan. I told her that her arse was too big and to be careful where she sat.
As a member of the Town's only gay male voice choir, I can confirm that we really do all sing from the same him sheet.
My wife and I couldn't think of a theme name for our forthcoming party. We've decided to call it a do.
I got told off yesterday when picking my nose. The surgeon was adamant that the one I chose wouldn't suit me.
My mate lived alone in a lighthouse for three months. Eventually he went stair crazy..
I'm just too tired to keep this Irish funeral celebration going. I simply cannot keep a wake.
The surgeon who wanted a sample of my brain tumour was out of order. I really gave him a piece of my mind.
My mother in law died yesterday from poisoning. It was inevitable one day that she would bite her own tongue.
Putting hydrochloric acid on her handkerchief sure wiped the smile off my wife's face.
I gave an editor all my one liners. He read them then covered them with his copy of the Observer. I fear he was papering over the cracks.
The architect was sacked when the building inspector fell into the cellar. He had misunderstood the request for no flaws in the plans.
I have a dreadful addiction to masturbating into jars of Hartleys strawberry jam. I got caught in Tescos but they are keeping a lid on it.
I met my wife on a morse code course. We were happy at first but then she left me. She said I'd started sending out the wrong signals.
Incompetent vaginal swab analysers have confessed to starting a badly flawed smear campaign.
Today's march by the pro teabagging anarchists is expected to end up with heavy police use of ketteling.
I will be shortly be expressing a doubt or choice between alternatives. That is the end of the whether forecast.
In mediaeval times torturers worked to a punishing schedule
Before I developed Parkinsons disease I used to love a glass of milk. Now it makes my stomach churn.
The inventor of alphabetti spaghetti insisted that when he died he wanted to be buried at C.
My wife accused me of masturbating whilst reading a book. I argued with her that I was only having a scratch and I'm sticking to my story.
I've written a playfully quaint, fanciful, appealing, amusing short story set to music and dance. I suppose you'd call it a little whimsical
A nasty bug is going round, I hope that I don't catch it, It's from a thrush, affects the bush and makes you want to scratch it.
My dyslexic neighbour went for a jog but ended up working in Sainsburys.
My Chinese neighbour turned to seafood after being trapped under stream roller. He became a crustacean.
I went on the Mothers Pride walk last year and got sandwiched between two protesters.
I left my job making devices to open doors as I couldn't handle it.
I've been waiting ages to hear how my interview went at the tennis racquet repair shop. I fear they may just be stringing me along.
I had a hobby doing silhouettes of people with scissors and cardboard . I made no money as I wasn't cut out for the job.
Pimples aren't so important but boils matter.
Our local undertaker put a body in the wrong plot yesterday. They have put their hands up and admitted to a grave error of judgement.
My philandering pal pretends to be at the golf club when being unfaithful to his wife. Luckily for him he hasn't been caught playing around.
You know that bloke who cuts your hair? I take my hat off to him
A local man has been arrested for interfering with fish. He said it started when he was a child and he became hooked on prawnography
Big noses run in our family
.
Mrs. doing volunteer work this morning for cat protection. Little buggers piss all over your door if you don't pay up every month.
A mate of mine dies after falling into a vat of fermenting cheese. He tried to stay afloat but was whey out of his depth.
I would have loved to have been a successful doctor but I just don't have enough patience
My investment in a new type of notice board is looking promising but I'm not pinning my hopes on it.
got a job as an extra playing an ice cream salesman in a film. My role was to melt into the background.
Want to know an funny story about a thorny subject? Thistle amuse you.
My bloody car keeps stopping and starting then going into a spin. I think it's the brake dancing
The inventor of the low cistern toilet was initially flushed with success
I can be a very belligerent market trader when I set my stall out.
I always keep the scales on cooked fish when I want a balanced meal.
You can count on the fingers of his right hand the number of views I have in common with Abu Hamza.
A horse walks into a bar after a particularly badly botched transplant operation. Barman: Why the lung face?
I, of course, always assumed that. The American space programme was all shuttlecocks until they finally sent a woman up.
I used to have a job lifting the lead singer of the Animals when he was drunk but eventually I couldn't carry the Burdon.
I've written a brilliant play about a dog walker. Can you suggest any suitable to take the lead?
Buskers often earn good money, at the drop of a hat.
My interview didn't go well. He asked me to make myself at home. The farting annoyed him but insisting he made my tea really pissed him off
The first spot the ball competition was held in the Blue streak Harem, Egypt in 1427.
The last thing an actress wants during a gynaecology examination is a big hand.
I wasn't able to offer money to the man collecting for the hernia awareness charity campaign but I was happy to offer him my support.
The woman surgeon who gave me cornea transplants was gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off her.
The editor was irate when I returned from an interview with a tape of the celeb chewing his dinner. How was I to know what a sound bite was?
I was hoping to use my experience as a tailor to launch myself as a stand up comedian but unfortunately I didn't have enough material.
I like to eat it nice and slow, my dopiaza curry, but must admit, when it turns to shit, it exits in a hurry
I pushed a mixture of turmeric, cardamom, and galangal up my bottom and ever since I have been walking rather gingerly
There has been a spate of robberies at houses belonging to 1980's over hyped pop and rock stars. Police as we speak are dusting for Prince
Whilst travelling in Iran I had an argument with my wife and she left for Iraq alone. Things are so bad now and there is a gulf between us
Wife just asked me to separate two eggs. I didn't even know that the little buggers were fighting.
My dad was same when the National Anthem was played by a brass band. He simply wouldn't stand for it.
Our neighbours were talking to us through gritted teeth last winter. The council snow plough had the spray turned up too high.
I passed out on the waterslide at Blackpool pleasure beach yesterday. I hate those wooden log carriages. I was overcome by flumes.
My eldest was born nine months after my wife had the flu. Though feeling dreadful she still wanted sex. The pregnancy was ill conceived.
My mate writes dreadful furniture reviews for DFS. He's a terrible armchair critic
Proceedings at the world masturbation championships were halted today when two contestants began to argue the toss.
In France Rabies is all the rage
I know a dyslexic homeless PDF writer who has no fixed adobe
I blame the Queen for it constantly pissing it down. Even our National Anthem asks her to rain over us. Get a grip
Builder told me my house urgently needs pointing. I'll sleep on it and decide which direction to take tomorrow.
I'm doing a three legged race tomorrow tied to a mate who is a superb runner. We are bound to win.
I am finding this pamphlet on how to attach steel girders together quite riveting.
Testicle transplants? That's a whole new ball game
I just had one of Walkers new "Heather and Peat" flavoured crisps. They are very moorish.
Another tip for mac users. Undoing the lowest two buttons enables a quicker flash and getaway.
My barber wants to give me a new style with hair short at the sides but long at the back. I need some time really so I can mullet over
I love my new bic biro, It cures all my writing fears, it works on any surface, and scoops the wax out from my ears.
I've just been expelled from the master guild of Tarot readers. To be fair, it's been on the cards for a while.
Did you hear about the woman who contacted the official receiver when she was told to fold her ironing board up?
Apparently one of my friends suffers from curvature of the spine. I have a hunch who it is.
My doctor tells me if I don't eat more fibre I'll end up constipated to a dangerous level. Personally I don't give a shit.
My hospital consultant was a former Road planner which explains why he told me I needed a bypass in a roundabout sort of way.
I'm worried as I tend to orgasm very quietly. My wife assures me however that sighs don't matter.
When walking barefoot where cheese has been dropped, it is advisable to tread Caerphilly..
The weather has varied so much today I've worn five different sets of clothes whilst cutting down a tree. I'm sick of chopping and changing
Sky News: The queen had been on the throne over 14 years when David Cameron was born. It must have been one hell of a curry.
Following a tip off, police have smashed a gang accused of multiple buggery attacks by taking the ringleader into custody.
Just heard about all those deaths in Syria. the Italian football authorities really need to clamp down on hooliganism.
Walrus trainers who pass their exams gain the seal of approval
French Peters crack under Pierre pressure.
My unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year old won't smile and shows no interest in girls. I'm worrying he is emosexual.
My lad complained like buggery when we enlisted him into the army. I am sure he said that one day he wanted to be a vet.
I think it is absolute folly, to class the obese as all jolly, I think it's just dire, to own a spare tyre, and push it around in a trolley.
In my long gone youth I was healthy if uncouth, Now every single day more of me rots away and I've got a broken tooth.
Asked what they wanted for Christmas M.P. Jake Berry said Berries, William Cash said cash and Therese Coffey, coffee. Ed Balls said fuck off
Sky News: Old man put to bed at 5.00pm and left there until 10.00am the following morning! Jammy bastard.
German shepherd turds are truly wondrous sights, not like normal stools, they are more like stalagmites.
I've been sacked by the local garden centre for not looking after the lawns properly. They gave me no warnings. I was just turfed out
I was thrown out of the magic circle as they said being dyslexic meant I couldn't spell properly.
When the Dr. asked me to come in short pants for my examination you can imagine my embarrassment at the misunderstanding.
I am opening a Hogwarts themed cafe with food served in flatbread. It's called Harry Pitta's
I've opened a themed cafe called cravats. We serve Thai food.
Just got back from the docs. I Had one of those annoying floaters in my eye. He told me to stop drinking out of the toilet bowl.
Kids are at a petting zoo. I'm fondling the mrs. next door at the heavy petting area.
Those golfers are pathetic taking a caddy with them every time they play a round. Why not make it easy and slip a flask in the bag?
Competitors in the German sausage eating championships have taken a turn for the wurst.
Damned Chinese car mechanic told me I had headlight problems. I bought new bulbs. Turned out I needed Hedrin and medicated shampoo.
They are casting locally for a production of the vagina monologues. I'm hoping to get a part in it.
Our local Chinese gangsters are looking for new members so they are going to triads in the local paper.
Golfer just took out a driver on the fairway. Bloody idiot shouldn't have parked there.
Ian Poulter had a 69 yesterday at the golf. It was a blow for the rest of the field.
Apparently panelists really enjoy recording "Q.I" but are never happy to go for a fry up afterwards.
Just got a quote of £3250 to have the house painted. Decided a photograph will be cheaper.
My pointing business has gone to the wall.
A thief dressed as a court jester stole our money from our lockers. We chased after him but he lead us a merry old dance.
I just got a job as P.R. for a firm marketing a new type of bicycle wheel. I am now their official spokes person.
My new business venture in producing Kangaroo meat is coming along in leaps and bounds.
Those who are guilty of cupboard love cannot complain when they are left on the shelf.
My mates fire breathing act was described as "rubbish" He was quite put out.
My dad used to tinkle on the ivories. His incontinence pants were useless.
The local chicken pox sufferers club is advertising a shingles only night.
My budgie was a bugger for flying into my tropical fish tank. I eventually had to knock him off his perch.
I was employed as a detective at a bedding factory investigating theft of sheets. I spent most of my time working under cover.
The audience were quite impressed at the ladies boxing championships until the referee knocked one out.
I bought a dvd from the market. It had a patch on it and was covered in salt and what looked like parrot shit. I think it was a pirate copy.
I asked the barman for a stiff drink. The viagra cocktail hit the spot.
I fell in love with a woman who assembled light switches on an assembly line. Ours was an on/off sort of romance.
I complained loudly to the decorator about the standard of his work but he just glossed over it.
I see those Irish family popsters have joined the charity brigade but feel that the name "Corrs for concern" is a little flippant.
I knew a scary frenchwoman who wore bread underwear. It was from a boo lingerie.
Following a lawn mower accident I kept falling over without warning. After tests, doctors advised me I was lack toes intolerant.
Sight sound, touch and taste were all a turn off to me until therapy helped me to come to my senses.
My wife's stutter means she has trouble with words like fellatio. She just can't get her mouth around it.
My drooling dyslexic mate was shocked to be given a tambourine when he believed he had joined the salivating army.
Children with special needs should be trained as bakers.
Just did some trading on the stock exchange. I just swapped a box of oxo cubes for a box of bisto.
My wife is in hospital having a CAT scan. I told her that her arse was too big and to be careful where she sat.
As a member of the Town's only gay male voice choir, I can confirm that we really do all sing from the same him sheet.
My wife and I couldn't think of a theme name for our forthcoming party. We've decided to call it a do.
I got told off yesterday when picking my nose. The surgeon was adamant that the one I chose wouldn't suit me.
My mate lived alone in a lighthouse for three months. Eventually he went stair crazy..
I'm just too tired to keep this Irish funeral celebration going. I simply cannot keep a wake.
The surgeon who wanted a sample of my brain tumour was out of order. I really gave him a piece of my mind.
My mother in law died yesterday from poisoning. It was inevitable one day that she would bite her own tongue.
Putting hydrochloric acid on her handkerchief sure wiped the smile off my wife's face.
I gave an editor all my one liners. He read them then covered them with his copy of the Observer. I fear he was papering over the cracks.
The architect was sacked when the building inspector fell into the cellar. He had misunderstood the request for no flaws in the plans.
I have a dreadful addiction to masturbating into jars of Hartleys strawberry jam. I got caught in Tescos but they are keeping a lid on it.
I met my wife on a morse code course. We were happy at first but then she left me. She said I'd started sending out the wrong signals.
Incompetent vaginal swab analysers have confessed to starting a badly flawed smear campaign.
Today's march by the pro teabagging anarchists is expected to end up with heavy police use of ketteling.
I will be shortly be expressing a doubt or choice between alternatives. That is the end of the whether forecast.
In mediaeval times torturers worked to a punishing schedule
Before I developed Parkinsons disease I used to love a glass of milk. Now it makes my stomach churn.
The inventor of alphabetti spaghetti insisted that when he died he wanted to be buried at C.
My wife accused me of masturbating whilst reading a book. I argued with her that I was only having a scratch and I'm sticking to my story.
I've written a playfully quaint, fanciful, appealing, amusing short story set to music and dance. I suppose you'd call it a little whimsical
A nasty bug is going round, I hope that I don't catch it, It's from a thrush, affects the bush and makes you want to scratch it.
My dyslexic neighbour went for a jog but ended up working in Sainsburys.
My Chinese neighbour turned to seafood after being trapped under stream roller. He became a crustacean.
I went on the Mothers Pride walk last year and got sandwiched between two protesters.
I left my job making devices to open doors as I couldn't handle it.
I've been waiting ages to hear how my interview went at the tennis racquet repair shop. I fear they may just be stringing me along.
I had a hobby doing silhouettes of people with scissors and cardboard . I made no money as I wasn't cut out for the job.
Pimples aren't so important but boils matter.
Our local undertaker put a body in the wrong plot yesterday. They have put their hands up and admitted to a grave error of judgement.
My philandering pal pretends to be at the golf club when being unfaithful to his wife. Luckily for him he hasn't been caught playing around.
You know that bloke who cuts your hair? I take my hat off to him
A local man has been arrested for interfering with fish. He said it started when he was a child and he became hooked on prawnography
Big noses run in our family
.
Mrs. doing volunteer work this morning for cat protection. Little buggers piss all over your door if you don't pay up every month.
A mate of mine dies after falling into a vat of fermenting cheese. He tried to stay afloat but was whey out of his depth.
I would have loved to have been a successful doctor but I just don't have enough patience
My investment in a new type of notice board is looking promising but I'm not pinning my hopes on it.
got a job as an extra playing an ice cream salesman in a film. My role was to melt into the background.
Want to know an funny story about a thorny subject? Thistle amuse you.
My bloody car keeps stopping and starting then going into a spin. I think it's the brake dancing
The inventor of the low cistern toilet was initially flushed with success
I can be a very belligerent market trader when I set my stall out.
I always keep the scales on cooked fish when I want a balanced meal.
You can count on the fingers of his right hand the number of views I have in common with Abu Hamza.
A horse walks into a bar after a particularly badly botched transplant operation. Barman: Why the lung face?
I, of course, always assumed that. The American space programme was all shuttlecocks until they finally sent a woman up.
I used to have a job lifting the lead singer of the Animals when he was drunk but eventually I couldn't carry the Burdon.
I've written a brilliant play about a dog walker. Can you suggest any suitable to take the lead?
Buskers often earn good money, at the drop of a hat.
My interview didn't go well. He asked me to make myself at home. The farting annoyed him but insisting he made my tea really pissed him off
The first spot the ball competition was held in the Blue streak Harem, Egypt in 1427.
The last thing an actress wants during a gynaecology examination is a big hand.
I wasn't able to offer money to the man collecting for the hernia awareness charity campaign but I was happy to offer him my support.
The woman surgeon who gave me cornea transplants was gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off her.
The editor was irate when I returned from an interview with a tape of the celeb chewing his dinner. How was I to know what a sound bite was?
I was hoping to use my experience as a tailor to launch myself as a stand up comedian but unfortunately I didn't have enough material.
I like to eat it nice and slow, my dopiaza curry, but must admit, when it turns to shit, it exits in a hurry
I pushed a mixture of turmeric, cardamom, and galangal up my bottom and ever since I have been walking rather gingerly
There has been a spate of robberies at houses belonging to 1980's over hyped pop and rock stars. Police as we speak are dusting for Prince
Whilst travelling in Iran I had an argument with my wife and she left for Iraq alone. Things are so bad now and there is a gulf between us
Wife just asked me to separate two eggs. I didn't even know that the little buggers were fighting.
My dad was same when the National Anthem was played by a brass band. He simply wouldn't stand for it.
Our neighbours were talking to us through gritted teeth last winter. The council snow plough had the spray turned up too high.
I passed out on the waterslide at Blackpool pleasure beach yesterday. I hate those wooden log carriages. I was overcome by flumes.
My eldest was born nine months after my wife had the flu. Though feeling dreadful she still wanted sex. The pregnancy was ill conceived.
My mate writes dreadful furniture reviews for DFS. He's a terrible armchair critic
Proceedings at the world masturbation championships were halted today when two contestants began to argue the toss.
In France Rabies is all the rage
I know a dyslexic homeless PDF writer who has no fixed adobe
I blame the Queen for it constantly pissing it down. Even our National Anthem asks her to rain over us. Get a grip
Builder told me my house urgently needs pointing. I'll sleep on it and decide which direction to take tomorrow.
I'm doing a three legged race tomorrow tied to a mate who is a superb runner. We are bound to win.
I am finding this pamphlet on how to attach steel girders together quite riveting.
Testicle transplants? That's a whole new ball game
I just had one of Walkers new "Heather and Peat" flavoured crisps. They are very moorish.
Another tip for mac users. Undoing the lowest two buttons enables a quicker flash and getaway.
My barber wants to give me a new style with hair short at the sides but long at the back. I need some time really so I can mullet over
I love my new bic biro, It cures all my writing fears, it works on any surface, and scoops the wax out from my ears.
I've just been expelled from the master guild of Tarot readers. To be fair, it's been on the cards for a while.
Did you hear about the woman who contacted the official receiver when she was told to fold her ironing board up?
Apparently one of my friends suffers from curvature of the spine. I have a hunch who it is.
My doctor tells me if I don't eat more fibre I'll end up constipated to a dangerous level. Personally I don't give a shit.
My hospital consultant was a former Road planner which explains why he told me I needed a bypass in a roundabout sort of way.
I'm worried as I tend to orgasm very quietly. My wife assures me however that sighs don't matter.
When walking barefoot where cheese has been dropped, it is advisable to tread Caerphilly..
The weather has varied so much today I've worn five different sets of clothes whilst cutting down a tree. I'm sick of chopping and changing
Sky News: The queen had been on the throne over 14 years when David Cameron was born. It must have been one hell of a curry.
Following a tip off, police have smashed a gang accused of multiple buggery attacks by taking the ringleader into custody.
Just heard about all those deaths in Syria. the Italian football authorities really need to clamp down on hooliganism.
Walrus trainers who pass their exams gain the seal of approval
French Peters crack under Pierre pressure.
My unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year old won't smile and shows no interest in girls. I'm worrying he is emosexual.
My lad complained like buggery when we enlisted him into the army. I am sure he said that one day he wanted to be a vet.
I think it is absolute folly, to class the obese as all jolly, I think it's just dire, to own a spare tyre, and push it around in a trolley.
In my long gone youth I was healthy if uncouth, Now every single day more of me rots away and I've got a broken tooth.
Asked what they wanted for Christmas M.P. Jake Berry said Berries, William Cash said cash and Therese Coffey, coffee. Ed Balls said fuck off
Sky News: Old man put to bed at 5.00pm and left there until 10.00am the following morning! Jammy bastard.
German shepherd turds are truly wondrous sights, not like normal stools, they are more like stalagmites.
Different, people, differing opinions.
As D day approaches I have found myself comparing the information I have been told by the three consultants involved since my diagnosis. Eighteen months ago, active surveillance was a no brainer. The Halifax man said my condition was a good one. The cancer was low grade. He couldn't feel it on examination. My life expectancy was a normal one and I could have had it for years already. The chances were that, had I not been examined for a different complaint, I would have died with the cancer, not from it. He agreed with my decision as it was too early to consider surgery.
Eighteen months later he tells me it has increased from around 10% on one side to mid twenties and from none on the other to 11%. There are also traces of the more virulent "gleeson 4" type, although they are almost negligible. No need to worry. All three options still open. My original stricture problem is only small so the fact I sometimes pee down my leg may be due to the prostate swelling. I must add that I don't often pee down my leg. Given the choice, there are a few people around whose legs I would thoroughly enjoy peeing down however. As a second biopsy result is now available it's back to Bradford Oncology (where incidentally chemotherapy was invented) for analysis.
Last week at consultants in Leeds. Very professional and informative. They reassess all results not relying on previous conclusions. Charts, diagrams and computer forecasts are used and explained in detail. Shakes head wildly at continuing surveillance option. Marks my notes "Urgent within 31 days". Tells us 54% likelihood that cancer is now into nerves on one side and they will have to be removed. 34% chance of "normal" functions eventually. Tells us that cancer on left side is 80% and 20% on the right. Looks skywards when we mention previous consultants remarks on stricture and books me in to look for himself and books me in for a look. Advises it should have been routinely checked before any surgery undertaken. Tells me my appendix op in 1964 could compromise robotic surgery due to potential sticky" tissue where scar lies. I won't know which op I have until I wake up.
I'm not complaining but, you do wonder where the reality lies when you put your future in other peoples hands.
Eighteen months later he tells me it has increased from around 10% on one side to mid twenties and from none on the other to 11%. There are also traces of the more virulent "gleeson 4" type, although they are almost negligible. No need to worry. All three options still open. My original stricture problem is only small so the fact I sometimes pee down my leg may be due to the prostate swelling. I must add that I don't often pee down my leg. Given the choice, there are a few people around whose legs I would thoroughly enjoy peeing down however. As a second biopsy result is now available it's back to Bradford Oncology (where incidentally chemotherapy was invented) for analysis.
In Bradford the radiotherapist strongly advises against this type of treatment due to my stricture and my medical history. Down to two options. Next day surgeon says better out now than inevitable surgery later. Explains the robotic procedure and asks me to consider which option should I choose for surgery. Robotic surgery is only carried out in Leeds and Manchester in our area so an appointment is made at Jimmys.
Last week at consultants in Leeds. Very professional and informative. They reassess all results not relying on previous conclusions. Charts, diagrams and computer forecasts are used and explained in detail. Shakes head wildly at continuing surveillance option. Marks my notes "Urgent within 31 days". Tells us 54% likelihood that cancer is now into nerves on one side and they will have to be removed. 34% chance of "normal" functions eventually. Tells us that cancer on left side is 80% and 20% on the right. Looks skywards when we mention previous consultants remarks on stricture and books me in to look for himself and books me in for a look. Advises it should have been routinely checked before any surgery undertaken. Tells me my appendix op in 1964 could compromise robotic surgery due to potential sticky" tissue where scar lies. I won't know which op I have until I wake up.
Last Friday the Leeds consultant inserts the camera with no difficulty, something Halifax failed to do twice, (the second time leaving me looking like something from a butchers slab). I have no stricture, just slight scarring. The operation can go ahead.
In less than two weeks I have gone from none urgent in one opinion to urgent in the other.Had I had the prostate removed a year ago, the nerves that now have to be removed would have been saved. My chances of normality would be improved. I still have to go online and find out what "dry orgasm" entails.
In less than two weeks I have gone from none urgent in one opinion to urgent in the other.Had I had the prostate removed a year ago, the nerves that now have to be removed would have been saved. My chances of normality would be improved. I still have to go online and find out what "dry orgasm" entails.
Tuesday 21 June 2011
The phone call gave it away
The phone call gave it away. How often does a consultant’s secretary ring you out of the blue and ask you to be at the clinic at 8.15 the following morning? I put the phone down, looked across the office and sighed. “Maybe it’s good news and they want to tell you before Christmas” my Co Director offered without a hint of irony, or conviction come to that!.
We had a weekend planned already. Friday morning, off to York for two days of indulgence. We’d make the appointment on the way. We arrived at 8.10am, we are old school and never late, and finally got in to see the consultant at 9.10am. What a pleasant hour it was watching cups of tea and coffee being passed around, files being trolleyed and listening to hushed conversations along the lines of “And do you know what the dirty sod asked me to do then?” A day sat in an NHS. Corridor would perfectly encapsulate 21st century Britain.
The consultant was cool, clear and precise. He explained what type of cancer I had, the severity of it and my three options. He lost me at “hello Mr. Campbell”. Thank God Janet was with me to listen and ask the relevant questions. I didn’t have to make a choice then but I had no hesitation in doing so. The choices were a/ surgery b/ radiotherapy and c/ do nothing. I don’t know why he offered me a and b when c was available. Exit a few minutes later a slightly crestfallen couple holding reams of literature to read over the weekend. We sat in the car, looked at each other and Janet burst into tears. I started to laugh then joined her till we both laughed. “Is this hysteria” I thought to myself.
So passed the first 24 hours of being a cancer patient along with and ever increasing percentage of the population. This was over 18 months ago and I can’t say it has been a worrying interim as, a handy gift of being able to ignore things I don’t want to think about, has won out. It has been far worse for Janet. She viewed every headache I have had, every ache and pain, every sneeze as a symptom of the cancer morphing into something from the Alien. All I could think about was the follow up biopsy. I am not soft and consider myself to have a high pain threshold but the biopsy isn’t about pain. It’s, well, there isn’t a word for it. A whole new word needs to be made up to describe having a probe the size of a vaulter’s pole, shoved up your bottom, twisted from side to side then pushing a compass point into it to administer an anesthetic. I can’t say if the anesthetic works or not but I wouldn’t want to try and find out.
First time round I didn’t know that they took ten samples. That’s TEN samples. Ten times something I imagine has a tongue and teeth biting into your prostate. It’s not fun. I keep reading on the internet (not that I research such things you understand), that prostate stimulation is becoming more and more popular amongst the sexually advanced elite. You can shove that! Man it stings. Imagine being stung up your bottom by an angry wasp ten times. It’s obviously an “in joke” with the perpetrators of the incision to ask after sting number five, “Are you counting Mr. Campbell?” Am I counting? They must be joking! I barked “Yes” to muffled laughter from behind me. They are always behind you. I think there should be a mirror in front so you can see who is behind you and what they are doing. This is particularly relevant after biopsy number two. After the tenth “sting” there was a short period of unusual silence. I was suspicious and for a horrible moment wondered if they were going to carry on and give me some bonus stings, something for me to remember them by. It wasn’t that. The operator had pricked her own finger with my last sample. Not a problem for me but a big one for her. I did feel sorry for her. It cannot be a dream at 17 when a girl leaves school to spend her days shoving things up old men’s bottoms. Even worse to prick your finger with what you brought out. There ensued five star treatment. Apologies flowed ten to the dozen and I ended up apologizing to the poor girl for having my bottom in the line of fire. Aids tests had to be carried out (on me) for her and I had to answer a long questionnaire about my sexual habits. Fortunately they are so far in the past they weren’t relevant. All this time Janet is sitting with me, the look of concern never leaving her face. Only once were we separated. The nurse wanted to ask a “personal “question. She was pretty and my hopes were raised. Basically she wanted to know if I had ever had gay sex. I was tempted to ask what was classified as gay sex but didn’t. A loud “no” seemed sufficient.
So I was on my way, an hour later than planned. Take that hospital car park! It wasn’t a ruse to get more money out of us as cancer patients get free parking! What a bonus! On top of free prescriptions I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. That was until the results of the biopsy came through.
Monday 20 June 2011
One liners up to 20/6/2011
There is nothing matters more in this life than a burst boil
I love working in the disposal of old notes department here at the Royal Mint. I literally have money to burn.
I'm going to finish this spot with a tube of valderma.
My optician asked me what the red mark on the bridge of my nose was. "Glasses" I told him. "Why not try contacts?" "They don't hold beer"
I showed the removal firm the Health and safety guide when they refused to move my piano. They still objected but agreed to take a few notes
I went to give my dad a fathers day gift today. Well, I put some flowers in a wank jar at the sperm donors clinic.
Every year my daft kids play the same joke and send fathers day cards to the bloke who used to deliver our milk.
My wife likes to cover her face with a pillow during oral sex. She says it helps to cushion the blow.
It was a mystery where the duck feathers appeared from but eider good idea.
Our woodwork teacher used to bully us into making microphone booms until I decided to make a stand.
I can't resist joining in and running past anyone who doffs off at public events. I've always enjoyed a competitive streak.
My mate is a superb opening batsman but he has a secret underwear fetish. He is forever being caught in the slips.
When it comes to size of the tube connecting the testes with the urethra, there is usually a vas deferens.
When it comes to the crunch, you can't beat sex with good quality nuts.
I don't know about you, but I find late Victorian pornography very hard to come by.
Management at the orange juice factory didn't appreciate my sense of humour and I was sacked for taking the pith.
Since these nasty lesions started bursting on my skin, my wife has been so loving. It's true. Abscess really does make the heart grow fonder
Angelina has told Brad to lose weight as she thinks he has a fat arse. He refuses to saying he has no intention of being a bottomless Pitt
For his birthday I told my brother to reminisce over the happy times he spent lusting after Carol Vorderman. It's the thought that counts.
My mate's such a practical joker. He really enjoys a good wheeze. Wait until he finds out I stole his ventolin inhaler.
I almost had the record for the most snot anyone has managed to keep up their nose for an hour and then I blew it
In this PC world, is it wrong to say Adele should facer problem,reduce her bytes, no longer ram in food and become a little more Compaq?
My wife has insisted I take her out tomorrow night. Fair do's. Anyone know a good hitman?
My Canadian policeman friend was obsessed with guessing the size and weight of things. I guess that's what make amountie.
Almost finished my book about "famous winds of the world" I'm just working on the final draught.
When the chips are down, you haven't taken the feathers off your crispy duck.
We refused to share our colanders despite dire threats from the boss. He was confused by our none pass sieve resistance.
Our local church was burnt down by hooligans using fragrant, aromatic materials. Priest, father Burns said, the whole Parish was incensed.
Been trying to put up some coat hooks all morning. I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
Really enjoyed my first bout of shadow boxing. Hank Marvin wasn't quite so keen.
My wife's upset because I keep seeing someone behind her back. The bugger runs away before I can get my hands on him though.
I have three abacuses. I actually have four but one is broken so it doesn't count.
I just woke up and found myself covered in a milky sticky substance. I started to panic. I don't know what came over me.
I hate having my morning break with my boss, an angry tree surgeon who only eats starters. He's always barking out hors douvres
My main job is testing out sound systems at rock concerts. After this one I have another one too one too.
The lawyer asked the judge for leniency and a short stretch for his client. The judge agreed and he was subsequently hanged.
I wondered where my next meal was coming from until I found the homeless shelter. Then, there it was, handed to me on a plate.
I can't resist putting on my Turkish Red hat every morning. I hope it's just a fez I'm going through.
I find a pebble makes an excellent contraceptive. I put it in my shoe and it makes me limp.
I made a witty remark to my neighbour about his new toupee but it went right over his head.
Police are investigating a brutal attack on a woman involving dried fruit. A spokesman said it was the worse case of date rape he had seen.
I won a years supply of macaroni in a game of pasta parcel.
Following a nasty burn Dr's asked if I would be a donor for a grafting donation. I agreed. Well it's no skin off my nose.
I had a telesales message asking me to pay £2.00 per month to help in clubbing baby seals to death in Canada. Bloody cull centres.
Weird. New soil has been dumped on my allotment three nights in a row. No-one admits to dumping it. Police are baffled. The plot thickens.
A sexy neighbour flashed me this morning. Great boobs and wonderful smile. I can honestly say I am over the moon.
When studying the periodic table I am truly in my element.
I made a fortune in raw gold in the far east. Japan? No, it was just laying on the surface to be picked up.
Just back from the cop shop. Misunderstood the mrs. when she replied "decking" when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.
I'm told that my obsession with stealing doors is unhinged.
When I am really angry I find that boiling a kettle enables me to let off steam
If you lose your dog he can be traced by dusting prints after calling a paw trait painter.
I was desperate to get up early and repair the pavement this morning but the mrs insisted I kerb my enthusiasm
My dad talks shite constantly. I'm sure he has irritable vowel syndrome.
I couldn't remember what the break of day was called when suddenly it dawned on me.
I've invented a safe disguised as a washing machine for money launderers.
I'm sure I have a gay poltergeist in the house. It's giving me the willies
I was arrested for stealing 50 flat car batteries but the police decided no charges were necessary
Just tried to stitch up a damaged silk purse and made a real pigs ear of it.
As songwriters start to get old do they gradually decompose?
Crazy paving isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Competition at the annual anagram competition was fierce. I couldn't get a word in edgeways
I was very disappointed when play.com sent me my purchase, "Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits". Turned out to be a load of songs.
Although not the best candidate, I got the job at the hen plucking factory. My appointment has really ruffled a few feathers
I work at a transform clinic and volunteered for a pioneering testicle transplant. It failed and this morning the bastards gave me the sac.
The doctor prescribed me suppositories to cure my constipation. For all the good they were I may as well have shoved them up my arse.
Lambs are being given counsel for their gambolling addiction.
My wife was a useless burglar. She didn't have what it takes.
I recently fell out badly with a mate of mine who is related to Isambard Kingdom Brunel. I hope that soon we will be able to build bridges.
I just got a bit part in a new film. I just hope I can cope with all that horse saliva.
Despite working behind bars for 20 years the judge sentenced me for selling alcohol. He said it conflicted with my job as a prison officer.
I asked our local, golf playing, chimney sweep what his handicap was. "Central heating" he replied.
My best mate just scared the shit out of me. With friends like that, who needs enemas?
I can always count on my good friend Abby Cuss.
We thought a case of diphtheria had been discovered in our village today. Tests turned out it was only a carrier.
My wife couldn't understand how I got so drunk at the pub after only one fill up. She didn't appreciate the full pitcher.
I want to apply for the job at the registry office filling in for missing fathers at weddings. I have misgivings about the position..
When Bob Dylan lived next to Chris Evans he became a real nuisance. He kept knock knock knocking on Evans door.
People keep knocking on my door asking me to sort out their marital problems. It's a pain in the arse living in a former counsel house.
It's a shame Roscoe Tanner isn't still playing tennis. He could duet with Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Singa Tsonga Sixpence.
I love big butts. They hold so much water.
Apparently standing outside their front door shouting "Your clothes are shite" is not what Primark regard as a fashion statement.
A warrant has been issued for my arrest for not believing police evidence against me. Apparently they want to take me in for questioning.
To cure my kleptomania I was sent on a piano tuning course. It was easy as the instructor was blind and just kept asking me to take notes.
I hurried hoping to do a brass rubbing on the bow of grounded ship in the nearby harbour but I was too late and it sank without a trace
After flattening it in a metal press, staff at the hospital were pleased at my recovery, giving me a big hand when I left.
I'd bend over backwards to be able to stand up straight.
"Brown and puckered with a pink tinge" is not the reply I expected when I asked my female work colleague about her ring tone.
My mouth spouts nothing but inane rubbish since I had my wisdom teeth removed.
A remembrance sunday vendor has been acquitted for indecency with his paper flowers. The judge said the prosecution was a load of poppycock
I'm having some designer underpants made and asked the designer for an estimate. As he's only done the gusset he gave me a ball park figure
I used to get donations from neighbours for clearing snow from their paths in winter but now it's summer it's become a slush fund.
I've started a stud site for breeders wanting their chickens fertilised. Originally free, I now have to charge a fee to make hens meet
As he is now 90 and disabled, sponging off my dad has a totally different meaning to when I was a kid.
I got sacked as a British rail police investigator for reading between the lines
I've been racking my brains trying to think of a good phrase to describe how my mrs. sometimes rubs her boobs across the top of my head.
I'd love to wear a toupee but I'm afraid to let my hair down
My kid failed to get job on the new filming of Thunderbirds so it looks as if I'm going to have to pull few strings.
Our discredited local cervical cancer specialist was demonised in a very effective smear campaign.
It's only necessary to beat around the bush when your pubic hair is in fire.
I was so far behind in the world wall pointing championships I decided to throw in the trowel.
I completed my first marathon yesterday. It's true about hitting the wall. Agony. I hope Berlin pulls the rest of it down before next years.
Extra marital sex is a high as 45% in Florida U.S.A. That's a terrible state of affairs.
I have diarrhoea and premature ejaculation. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
All the hours are really great in my opinion but, at the end of the day, midnight is best.
My dad is so predictable. We played charades last night and he mimed a sapling swaying in wet earth. The man is such a stick in the mud.
My wife's breast augmentation was a disaster. She should never have told the foreign surgeon she wanted them to look ship shape afterwards.
My friends met whilst processing luncheon vouchers. All they ever seem to do is chit chat.
My friends met at a factory producing light switches. Their relationship has been on and off ever since.
I checked on my mate who is 12 hours into a darning socks marathon. Asked how he was feeling he said he was so so.
The lady of the night expected me to pay a fortune for her services. It was a surprise for her when I only left a small deposit.
My neighbour is an angry, epileptic, dyslexic and is always shaking his fits at me
I can't find a collections of short notes I wrote to introduce some books I reviewed and I'm completely lost forwards.
I got writers block writing my autobiography so I have adopted a novel approach.
I bought one of those pay as you go phones and it's run out as I haven't had a shit for a week.
Does the minister for health sit in the medicine cabinet?
Ron and Russell Mael were sat near me, arguing madly in the airport departure lounge. When they boarded, the Sparks really began to fly.
I love working in the disposal of old notes department here at the Royal Mint. I literally have money to burn.
I'm going to finish this spot with a tube of valderma.
My optician asked me what the red mark on the bridge of my nose was. "Glasses" I told him. "Why not try contacts?" "They don't hold beer"
I showed the removal firm the Health and safety guide when they refused to move my piano. They still objected but agreed to take a few notes
I went to give my dad a fathers day gift today. Well, I put some flowers in a wank jar at the sperm donors clinic.
Every year my daft kids play the same joke and send fathers day cards to the bloke who used to deliver our milk.
My wife likes to cover her face with a pillow during oral sex. She says it helps to cushion the blow.
It was a mystery where the duck feathers appeared from but eider good idea.
Our woodwork teacher used to bully us into making microphone booms until I decided to make a stand.
I can't resist joining in and running past anyone who doffs off at public events. I've always enjoyed a competitive streak.
My mate is a superb opening batsman but he has a secret underwear fetish. He is forever being caught in the slips.
When it comes to size of the tube connecting the testes with the urethra, there is usually a vas deferens.
When it comes to the crunch, you can't beat sex with good quality nuts.
I don't know about you, but I find late Victorian pornography very hard to come by.
Management at the orange juice factory didn't appreciate my sense of humour and I was sacked for taking the pith.
Since these nasty lesions started bursting on my skin, my wife has been so loving. It's true. Abscess really does make the heart grow fonder
Angelina has told Brad to lose weight as she thinks he has a fat arse. He refuses to saying he has no intention of being a bottomless Pitt
For his birthday I told my brother to reminisce over the happy times he spent lusting after Carol Vorderman. It's the thought that counts.
My mate's such a practical joker. He really enjoys a good wheeze. Wait until he finds out I stole his ventolin inhaler.
I almost had the record for the most snot anyone has managed to keep up their nose for an hour and then I blew it
In this PC world, is it wrong to say Adele should facer problem,reduce her bytes, no longer ram in food and become a little more Compaq?
My wife has insisted I take her out tomorrow night. Fair do's. Anyone know a good hitman?
My Canadian policeman friend was obsessed with guessing the size and weight of things. I guess that's what make amountie.
Almost finished my book about "famous winds of the world" I'm just working on the final draught.
When the chips are down, you haven't taken the feathers off your crispy duck.
We refused to share our colanders despite dire threats from the boss. He was confused by our none pass sieve resistance.
Our local church was burnt down by hooligans using fragrant, aromatic materials. Priest, father Burns said, the whole Parish was incensed.
Been trying to put up some coat hooks all morning. I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
Really enjoyed my first bout of shadow boxing. Hank Marvin wasn't quite so keen.
My wife's upset because I keep seeing someone behind her back. The bugger runs away before I can get my hands on him though.
I have three abacuses. I actually have four but one is broken so it doesn't count.
I just woke up and found myself covered in a milky sticky substance. I started to panic. I don't know what came over me.
I hate having my morning break with my boss, an angry tree surgeon who only eats starters. He's always barking out hors douvres
My main job is testing out sound systems at rock concerts. After this one I have another one too one too.
The lawyer asked the judge for leniency and a short stretch for his client. The judge agreed and he was subsequently hanged.
I wondered where my next meal was coming from until I found the homeless shelter. Then, there it was, handed to me on a plate.
I can't resist putting on my Turkish Red hat every morning. I hope it's just a fez I'm going through.
I find a pebble makes an excellent contraceptive. I put it in my shoe and it makes me limp.
I made a witty remark to my neighbour about his new toupee but it went right over his head.
Police are investigating a brutal attack on a woman involving dried fruit. A spokesman said it was the worse case of date rape he had seen.
I won a years supply of macaroni in a game of pasta parcel.
Following a nasty burn Dr's asked if I would be a donor for a grafting donation. I agreed. Well it's no skin off my nose.
I had a telesales message asking me to pay £2.00 per month to help in clubbing baby seals to death in Canada. Bloody cull centres.
Weird. New soil has been dumped on my allotment three nights in a row. No-one admits to dumping it. Police are baffled. The plot thickens.
A sexy neighbour flashed me this morning. Great boobs and wonderful smile. I can honestly say I am over the moon.
When studying the periodic table I am truly in my element.
I made a fortune in raw gold in the far east. Japan? No, it was just laying on the surface to be picked up.
Just back from the cop shop. Misunderstood the mrs. when she replied "decking" when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.
I'm told that my obsession with stealing doors is unhinged.
When I am really angry I find that boiling a kettle enables me to let off steam
If you lose your dog he can be traced by dusting prints after calling a paw trait painter.
I was desperate to get up early and repair the pavement this morning but the mrs insisted I kerb my enthusiasm
My dad talks shite constantly. I'm sure he has irritable vowel syndrome.
I couldn't remember what the break of day was called when suddenly it dawned on me.
I've invented a safe disguised as a washing machine for money launderers.
I'm sure I have a gay poltergeist in the house. It's giving me the willies
I was arrested for stealing 50 flat car batteries but the police decided no charges were necessary
Just tried to stitch up a damaged silk purse and made a real pigs ear of it.
As songwriters start to get old do they gradually decompose?
Crazy paving isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Competition at the annual anagram competition was fierce. I couldn't get a word in edgeways
I was very disappointed when play.com sent me my purchase, "Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits". Turned out to be a load of songs.
Although not the best candidate, I got the job at the hen plucking factory. My appointment has really ruffled a few feathers
I work at a transform clinic and volunteered for a pioneering testicle transplant. It failed and this morning the bastards gave me the sac.
The doctor prescribed me suppositories to cure my constipation. For all the good they were I may as well have shoved them up my arse.
Lambs are being given counsel for their gambolling addiction.
My wife was a useless burglar. She didn't have what it takes.
I recently fell out badly with a mate of mine who is related to Isambard Kingdom Brunel. I hope that soon we will be able to build bridges.
I just got a bit part in a new film. I just hope I can cope with all that horse saliva.
Despite working behind bars for 20 years the judge sentenced me for selling alcohol. He said it conflicted with my job as a prison officer.
I asked our local, golf playing, chimney sweep what his handicap was. "Central heating" he replied.
My best mate just scared the shit out of me. With friends like that, who needs enemas?
I can always count on my good friend Abby Cuss.
We thought a case of diphtheria had been discovered in our village today. Tests turned out it was only a carrier.
My wife couldn't understand how I got so drunk at the pub after only one fill up. She didn't appreciate the full pitcher.
I want to apply for the job at the registry office filling in for missing fathers at weddings. I have misgivings about the position..
When Bob Dylan lived next to Chris Evans he became a real nuisance. He kept knock knock knocking on Evans door.
People keep knocking on my door asking me to sort out their marital problems. It's a pain in the arse living in a former counsel house.
It's a shame Roscoe Tanner isn't still playing tennis. He could duet with Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Singa Tsonga Sixpence.
I love big butts. They hold so much water.
Apparently standing outside their front door shouting "Your clothes are shite" is not what Primark regard as a fashion statement.
A warrant has been issued for my arrest for not believing police evidence against me. Apparently they want to take me in for questioning.
To cure my kleptomania I was sent on a piano tuning course. It was easy as the instructor was blind and just kept asking me to take notes.
I hurried hoping to do a brass rubbing on the bow of grounded ship in the nearby harbour but I was too late and it sank without a trace
After flattening it in a metal press, staff at the hospital were pleased at my recovery, giving me a big hand when I left.
I'd bend over backwards to be able to stand up straight.
"Brown and puckered with a pink tinge" is not the reply I expected when I asked my female work colleague about her ring tone.
My mouth spouts nothing but inane rubbish since I had my wisdom teeth removed.
A remembrance sunday vendor has been acquitted for indecency with his paper flowers. The judge said the prosecution was a load of poppycock
I'm having some designer underpants made and asked the designer for an estimate. As he's only done the gusset he gave me a ball park figure
I used to get donations from neighbours for clearing snow from their paths in winter but now it's summer it's become a slush fund.
I've started a stud site for breeders wanting their chickens fertilised. Originally free, I now have to charge a fee to make hens meet
As he is now 90 and disabled, sponging off my dad has a totally different meaning to when I was a kid.
I got sacked as a British rail police investigator for reading between the lines
I've been racking my brains trying to think of a good phrase to describe how my mrs. sometimes rubs her boobs across the top of my head.
I'd love to wear a toupee but I'm afraid to let my hair down
My kid failed to get job on the new filming of Thunderbirds so it looks as if I'm going to have to pull few strings.
Our discredited local cervical cancer specialist was demonised in a very effective smear campaign.
It's only necessary to beat around the bush when your pubic hair is in fire.
I was so far behind in the world wall pointing championships I decided to throw in the trowel.
I completed my first marathon yesterday. It's true about hitting the wall. Agony. I hope Berlin pulls the rest of it down before next years.
Extra marital sex is a high as 45% in Florida U.S.A. That's a terrible state of affairs.
I have diarrhoea and premature ejaculation. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
All the hours are really great in my opinion but, at the end of the day, midnight is best.
My dad is so predictable. We played charades last night and he mimed a sapling swaying in wet earth. The man is such a stick in the mud.
My wife's breast augmentation was a disaster. She should never have told the foreign surgeon she wanted them to look ship shape afterwards.
My friends met whilst processing luncheon vouchers. All they ever seem to do is chit chat.
My friends met at a factory producing light switches. Their relationship has been on and off ever since.
I checked on my mate who is 12 hours into a darning socks marathon. Asked how he was feeling he said he was so so.
The lady of the night expected me to pay a fortune for her services. It was a surprise for her when I only left a small deposit.
My neighbour is an angry, epileptic, dyslexic and is always shaking his fits at me
I can't find a collections of short notes I wrote to introduce some books I reviewed and I'm completely lost forwards.
I got writers block writing my autobiography so I have adopted a novel approach.
I bought one of those pay as you go phones and it's run out as I haven't had a shit for a week.
Does the minister for health sit in the medicine cabinet?
Ron and Russell Mael were sat near me, arguing madly in the airport departure lounge. When they boarded, the Sparks really began to fly.
The End
I have no idea how this will end. This is the beginning of the end. The only thing to be determined is the length until the end finally arrives. I have contributed to forums for some years but these are very transient as people come and go so I decided to personalise a blog to remind myself that I was once alive. I hope you will pop back in from time to time to have a look. If updates stop, it means I am fertilising soil somewhere with the contents of, what was, my urn. It's being so cheerful that keeps me going.
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