There is nothing matters more in this life than a burst boil
I love working in the disposal of old notes department here at the Royal Mint. I literally have money to burn.
I'm going to finish this spot with a tube of valderma.
My optician asked me what the red mark on the bridge of my nose was. "Glasses" I told him. "Why not try contacts?" "They don't hold beer"
I showed the removal firm the Health and safety guide when they refused to move my piano. They still objected but agreed to take a few notes
I went to give my dad a fathers day gift today. Well, I put some flowers in a wank jar at the sperm donors clinic.
Every year my daft kids play the same joke and send fathers day cards to the bloke who used to deliver our milk.
My wife likes to cover her face with a pillow during oral sex. She says it helps to cushion the blow.
It was a mystery where the duck feathers appeared from but eider good idea.
Our woodwork teacher used to bully us into making microphone booms until I decided to make a stand.
I can't resist joining in and running past anyone who doffs off at public events. I've always enjoyed a competitive streak.
My mate is a superb opening batsman but he has a secret underwear fetish. He is forever being caught in the slips.
When it comes to size of the tube connecting the testes with the urethra, there is usually a vas deferens.
When it comes to the crunch, you can't beat sex with good quality nuts.
I don't know about you, but I find late Victorian pornography very hard to come by.
Management at the orange juice factory didn't appreciate my sense of humour and I was sacked for taking the pith.
Since these nasty lesions started bursting on my skin, my wife has been so loving. It's true. Abscess really does make the heart grow fonder
Angelina has told Brad to lose weight as she thinks he has a fat arse. He refuses to saying he has no intention of being a bottomless Pitt
For his birthday I told my brother to reminisce over the happy times he spent lusting after Carol Vorderman. It's the thought that counts.
My mate's such a practical joker. He really enjoys a good wheeze. Wait until he finds out I stole his ventolin inhaler.
I almost had the record for the most snot anyone has managed to keep up their nose for an hour and then I blew it
In this PC world, is it wrong to say Adele should facer problem,reduce her bytes, no longer ram in food and become a little more Compaq?
My wife has insisted I take her out tomorrow night. Fair do's. Anyone know a good hitman?
My Canadian policeman friend was obsessed with guessing the size and weight of things. I guess that's what make amountie.
Almost finished my book about "famous winds of the world" I'm just working on the final draught.
When the chips are down, you haven't taken the feathers off your crispy duck.
We refused to share our colanders despite dire threats from the boss. He was confused by our none pass sieve resistance.
Our local church was burnt down by hooligans using fragrant, aromatic materials. Priest, father Burns said, the whole Parish was incensed.
Been trying to put up some coat hooks all morning. I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
Really enjoyed my first bout of shadow boxing. Hank Marvin wasn't quite so keen.
My wife's upset because I keep seeing someone behind her back. The bugger runs away before I can get my hands on him though.
I have three abacuses. I actually have four but one is broken so it doesn't count.
I just woke up and found myself covered in a milky sticky substance. I started to panic. I don't know what came over me.
I hate having my morning break with my boss, an angry tree surgeon who only eats starters. He's always barking out hors douvres
My main job is testing out sound systems at rock concerts. After this one I have another one too one too.
The lawyer asked the judge for leniency and a short stretch for his client. The judge agreed and he was subsequently hanged.
I wondered where my next meal was coming from until I found the homeless shelter. Then, there it was, handed to me on a plate.
I can't resist putting on my Turkish Red hat every morning. I hope it's just a fez I'm going through.
I find a pebble makes an excellent contraceptive. I put it in my shoe and it makes me limp.
I made a witty remark to my neighbour about his new toupee but it went right over his head.
Police are investigating a brutal attack on a woman involving dried fruit. A spokesman said it was the worse case of date rape he had seen.
I won a years supply of macaroni in a game of pasta parcel.
Following a nasty burn Dr's asked if I would be a donor for a grafting donation. I agreed. Well it's no skin off my nose.
I had a telesales message asking me to pay £2.00 per month to help in clubbing baby seals to death in Canada. Bloody cull centres.
Weird. New soil has been dumped on my allotment three nights in a row. No-one admits to dumping it. Police are baffled. The plot thickens.
A sexy neighbour flashed me this morning. Great boobs and wonderful smile. I can honestly say I am over the moon.
When studying the periodic table I am truly in my element.
I made a fortune in raw gold in the far east. Japan? No, it was just laying on the surface to be picked up.
Just back from the cop shop. Misunderstood the mrs. when she replied "decking" when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.
I'm told that my obsession with stealing doors is unhinged.
When I am really angry I find that boiling a kettle enables me to let off steam
If you lose your dog he can be traced by dusting prints after calling a paw trait painter.
I was desperate to get up early and repair the pavement this morning but the mrs insisted I kerb my enthusiasm
My dad talks shite constantly. I'm sure he has irritable vowel syndrome.
I couldn't remember what the break of day was called when suddenly it dawned on me.
I've invented a safe disguised as a washing machine for money launderers.
I'm sure I have a gay poltergeist in the house. It's giving me the willies
I was arrested for stealing 50 flat car batteries but the police decided no charges were necessary
Just tried to stitch up a damaged silk purse and made a real pigs ear of it.
As songwriters start to get old do they gradually decompose?
Crazy paving isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Competition at the annual anagram competition was fierce. I couldn't get a word in edgeways
I was very disappointed when play.com sent me my purchase, "Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits". Turned out to be a load of songs.
Although not the best candidate, I got the job at the hen plucking factory. My appointment has really ruffled a few feathers
I work at a transform clinic and volunteered for a pioneering testicle transplant. It failed and this morning the bastards gave me the sac.
The doctor prescribed me suppositories to cure my constipation. For all the good they were I may as well have shoved them up my arse.
Lambs are being given counsel for their gambolling addiction.
My wife was a useless burglar. She didn't have what it takes.
I recently fell out badly with a mate of mine who is related to Isambard Kingdom Brunel. I hope that soon we will be able to build bridges.
I just got a bit part in a new film. I just hope I can cope with all that horse saliva.
Despite working behind bars for 20 years the judge sentenced me for selling alcohol. He said it conflicted with my job as a prison officer.
I asked our local, golf playing, chimney sweep what his handicap was. "Central heating" he replied.
My best mate just scared the shit out of me. With friends like that, who needs enemas?
I can always count on my good friend Abby Cuss.
We thought a case of diphtheria had been discovered in our village today. Tests turned out it was only a carrier.
My wife couldn't understand how I got so drunk at the pub after only one fill up. She didn't appreciate the full pitcher.
I want to apply for the job at the registry office filling in for missing fathers at weddings. I have misgivings about the position..
When Bob Dylan lived next to Chris Evans he became a real nuisance. He kept knock knock knocking on Evans door.
People keep knocking on my door asking me to sort out their marital problems. It's a pain in the arse living in a former counsel house.
It's a shame Roscoe Tanner isn't still playing tennis. He could duet with Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Singa Tsonga Sixpence.
I love big butts. They hold so much water.
Apparently standing outside their front door shouting "Your clothes are shite" is not what Primark regard as a fashion statement.
A warrant has been issued for my arrest for not believing police evidence against me. Apparently they want to take me in for questioning.
To cure my kleptomania I was sent on a piano tuning course. It was easy as the instructor was blind and just kept asking me to take notes.
I hurried hoping to do a brass rubbing on the bow of grounded ship in the nearby harbour but I was too late and it sank without a trace
After flattening it in a metal press, staff at the hospital were pleased at my recovery, giving me a big hand when I left.
I'd bend over backwards to be able to stand up straight.
"Brown and puckered with a pink tinge" is not the reply I expected when I asked my female work colleague about her ring tone.
My mouth spouts nothing but inane rubbish since I had my wisdom teeth removed.
A remembrance sunday vendor has been acquitted for indecency with his paper flowers. The judge said the prosecution was a load of poppycock
I'm having some designer underpants made and asked the designer for an estimate. As he's only done the gusset he gave me a ball park figure
I used to get donations from neighbours for clearing snow from their paths in winter but now it's summer it's become a slush fund.
I've started a stud site for breeders wanting their chickens fertilised. Originally free, I now have to charge a fee to make hens meet
As he is now 90 and disabled, sponging off my dad has a totally different meaning to when I was a kid.
I got sacked as a British rail police investigator for reading between the lines
I've been racking my brains trying to think of a good phrase to describe how my mrs. sometimes rubs her boobs across the top of my head.
I'd love to wear a toupee but I'm afraid to let my hair down
My kid failed to get job on the new filming of Thunderbirds so it looks as if I'm going to have to pull few strings.
Our discredited local cervical cancer specialist was demonised in a very effective smear campaign.
It's only necessary to beat around the bush when your pubic hair is in fire.
I was so far behind in the world wall pointing championships I decided to throw in the trowel.
I completed my first marathon yesterday. It's true about hitting the wall. Agony. I hope Berlin pulls the rest of it down before next years.
Extra marital sex is a high as 45% in Florida U.S.A. That's a terrible state of affairs.
I have diarrhoea and premature ejaculation. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
All the hours are really great in my opinion but, at the end of the day, midnight is best.
My dad is so predictable. We played charades last night and he mimed a sapling swaying in wet earth. The man is such a stick in the mud.
My wife's breast augmentation was a disaster. She should never have told the foreign surgeon she wanted them to look ship shape afterwards.
My friends met whilst processing luncheon vouchers. All they ever seem to do is chit chat.
My friends met at a factory producing light switches. Their relationship has been on and off ever since.
I checked on my mate who is 12 hours into a darning socks marathon. Asked how he was feeling he said he was so so.
The lady of the night expected me to pay a fortune for her services. It was a surprise for her when I only left a small deposit.
My neighbour is an angry, epileptic, dyslexic and is always shaking his fits at me
I can't find a collections of short notes I wrote to introduce some books I reviewed and I'm completely lost forwards.
I got writers block writing my autobiography so I have adopted a novel approach.
I bought one of those pay as you go phones and it's run out as I haven't had a shit for a week.
Does the minister for health sit in the medicine cabinet?
Ron and Russell Mael were sat near me, arguing madly in the airport departure lounge. When they boarded, the Sparks really began to fly.
No comments:
Post a Comment