Benidorm

I didn't go with high expectations. Truthfully, I went with very low expectations. My expectations were justified. I assume it was either Nicolae Ceausescu or Mao Tse Tung who did the original design for the place. Mao once decreed that the colour green was bad for the soul and he made thousands of forced labourers paint green grass another colour. Ceausescu on the other hand was a concrete fanatic and set about demolishing centuries old villages and replacing them with monolithic concrete tower blocks. Both men would have been at home in Benidorm. We walked the full length of both bays many times during the week and found only one square of grass (about 100mtrs x 30 mtrs) in the whole place. This was fenced off of course in case anyone had the mad idea of trying to walk on it.

We went because it was late in the year and the hotel had 100% good feedback from trip advisor. It would be churlish of me to criticise the hotel but we won't be going back. It was modern, clean, comfortable and the staff were excellent but it was full of brits. As we looked out of our seventh floor balcony we had marvellous views of the seventh floors of the hotels opposite and either side of us. These had the effect of blocking the sun for a good 50% of it's daily life.

We managed one evening ( I say evening it was about 90 minutes) in the lounge. Just as Germans must be sick of the war being mentioned, surely we Brits have moved beyond bingo? I was gobsmacked as the game unfurled and, when a line was won, everyone sang along with Cliff Richards singing "congratulations". After that on came "Mickey and Griff type singers (youngsters google them) which was our signal to go to bed. We didn't venture in at night again. Had there been a fancy dress night, I am sure there would have been dozens turning up as either Steven Hawking or Stavros from Dr. Who due to the number of people using mobility scooters.

I have looked up a meaning for "Benidorm" and I would suggest that "Fat tattooed Brit" would be an apt description. I have never seen so many old people with them and fat people too idle to walk, driving along the prom on scooters. A guy a year or two older than us was chatting in the hotel and remarked it was their fifth year in a row at the resort and hotel. I can only assume it was some sort of community service sentence he was carrying out.

One thing I was thankful for was topless sunbathing is no longer fashionable. The sight of elderly women throwing them over their shoulders or tucking them into bikini bottoms would be too much to bare in both senses of the word. It is still fashionable however for men with 60 inch waists to proudly exhibit them to an appreciative public.

I apologise if any of you are fans of the place. It just wasn't for us. If ever I want a similar experience I will sit under a sun lamp in the middle of Manchester for a few days. Manchester would also be a good choice as three of the days we were there it pissed it down all day.