Stress

I went for my six weekly scalping today and the barber, who is a couple of years younger than me, advised me he was having a camera up the bung hole next week as he has a number of symptoms of bowel cancer. He was somewhat worried about it, even to the point that he was concerned he might not be able to keep the liquid down that has to been consumed to clear the bowel out first.

I was able to reassure him that the liquid, whilst not the best drink in the world, is not that bad, and the camera is neither painful nor embarrassing. After this, he asked my about my experience of cancer and how I coped with the diagnosis and subsequent treatment and recovery. He found it difficult to understand, as have many people, that I never have stressed over it at all. I can honestly say it didn't bother me. I didn't want it, but I had it so, tough titty so to speak. I thought about death, but made that a positive as at least I'd have a good sleep for a change. I am not being facetious.

I have written on twitter before about a visit to see my Dad just before the operation. I had just bought new shoes. "Was there any point in you buying new shoes?" he asked. I laughed. My wife didn't. She was appalled but that is the way we are in our family. I never had one sleepless night because of the illness. In some ways, having my mortality thrust in front of me was liberating. It is far worse in reality for the survivors than the departed. They have to cope with the loss of the loved one every day, regardless of age and circumstances. As a none believer, to me, it's just switching the light off. How can you miss anyone after you are dead? In my world, you cannot.

The standard remark at funerals is always "Is there any point in you going home?" My Dad said this to each succeeding brother as they inherited the mantle of oldest still alive. He is 91 next week. At last weeks funeral, three of us made the remark to him. "At least it's bloody warm in there" he replied.

I don't want to die, not yet anyway. I'd like to see the girls grow up and make a success of life. I may feel differently had I only been 30 but, even at a fairly young 60, I could hardly complain if it all came to an end. There are so many worse off.