Dogs v People

As some will know, we have a poorly dog. Steffi has continued to have mild strokes. We got back from holiday last Saturday and on Sunday she collapsed again. She hasn't walked since. She neither ate nor drank anything for 36 hours and we called the vet to euthenise her.

The vet explained that, due to her heart failure, giving the traditional injection would be very difficult as her veins will have contracted. The alternative, an injection of sedative, can have a short term but distressing effect on the dog causing her to thrash around until it takes her away. We could not stand the thought of that. He told us that, as she wasn't neither eating nor drinking she would probably go during the night. With trepidation, we crept downstairs on Monday morning, expecting to find her dead but no, she was still with us, still hardly moving but following us with her eyes.

Come Monday afternoon, she was drinking again and showed interest when we fed Harry so we steamed her two chicken breasts which she wolfed down. Since then she has eaten two more along with a tin of tuna and a number of biscuit treats. She will still not get up. Jan is cleaning her when necessary. It is a real dilemma. I have already started to dig a hole in the garden where we can put her. She is in no apparent pain. We will ring the vet again tomorrow for more advice.

We had quite a bit of snow on Monday. Harry and Steffi loved the snow. They used to charge through it and dive into it. Steff wouldn't move and Jan took Harry out in it. He just stood still looking forlorn. It wasn't the same for him without his sister. He peed, turned and walked back into the house. He has stopped bringing toys over to Steffi to play with. He realises there is something wrong. He is just moping around. I have no idea what he will do when the inevitable happens. They are inseparable. Steffi and Harry have been perfect pets and companions. We have not had a second of bother with them. They have been totally loyal,protective but never aggressive. They adore the girls, making a fuss of them every time they visit.

They will be my last German Shepherds. I wept buckets holding my last GSD as they put her to sleep. I hope I will be more pragmatic this time but it will be tough. Dogs give you unconditional love and loyalty asking for nothing in return. How I wish I could say the same of people.

December posts

Chuck Berry had a wine making brother who was two years older than him. His favourite was elder Berry.

Just read a great book about a kiln operative who juggled ale bottles. It was the autobiography of Beer Tricks Potter.

My mate, an airline pilot, was bet that he couldn't land the plane with his eyes shut. He was sure he could but wasn't banking on it.

Who the hell was good king Wences? What was so special about his lass that they wrote a bloody song about her?

Food critic Ronay's venture into social media with his food "myface" site, has flopped. A major investor Quoted "I am left with Egon Myface

After a hearty Christmas dinner, we like to eat a tasty eczemas pudding, made from scratch.

I always thought that Yuletide was the dirty water mark around Brinners bath.

I splashed out on a new pair of shoes yesterday. Fortunately they were leather so they dried quickly. Bloody prostate.

The height of palm trees is measured in hands.

I only ever buy real buckets. I hate pail imitations.

My mate tells me there is a bungee jumping school opening locally. He thinks I'm stupid. I'm not falling for that one.

Went to a gents outfitters yesterday and came out stinking of piss with a packet of condoms in my pocket.

The act of buying a copy of the "lion sleeps tonight" is often just a whim away.

Last time I was in Jerusalem there were lots of people blubbering over a pile of bricks. It was later I found out it was the whaling wall

I was followed by one of the George Mitchell minstrels so I blacked him.

Surprised to hear that Strictly's Dani Harmer is engaged to Will Self. I must admit though that Dani Self Harmer is a cutting edge name.

Bought the kids a "Moggies' boarding home" game for Christmas only to open it and find we couldn't play it as Catteries weren't included.

I have found a cure for people who cannot help letting out breath audibly. Clinical trials have shown there to be no sighed effects.

I've written a new novel called 13 Amp and I want to plug it in here.

I bought my wife the cricketers almanac last year not the biography of Oscar Wild. I thought she said she wanted a few words of Wisden.

My wife won't give me a hint at what she wants for Christmas saying It's the thought that counts. I bought her a book on mental arithmetic.

I was admiring my waxwork figure in Tussauds when the eldest Beverley sister walked over and stood next to me. I was beside myself with Joy.

I once tried to steal some broken bathroom scales despite knowing I was unlikely to get a weigh with them,

Very surprised to hear that Hank Marvin has joined the labour party and immediately given the job as shadow minister for music.

Our local solicitors, Fi Fo and Fum, operate on a no win no fee basis.

I went into a shop and asked for jump leads yesterday. Assistant sold me tickets to the next athletics meeting at the Don Valley stadium.

Couldn't understand why my piano stank of fish when I opened the lid until I was told the Tuna had just been messing about with it.

My mate is so dumb, he moved to Essex when he heard there was a Brain Tree there.

Local barrister caught "In flagrante" with a heavily sedated sheep said he couldn't resist being called to the Baa.

The Mum of U2's guitarist got told off for sitting on the bonnet of the new, Spanish built car he bought. She was on the SEAT of her Edge.

Just heard from the horses mouth at my agents that I have a bit part in the new Warhorse movie.

Just got a part in the remake of Hitchcock's "The Birds" which is being filmed locally. Mine is only a Mynah role however.

The makers of, Chicago based, hospital programme, E.R. are filming an offshoot in the West Country. It will be called Oooo R.

Saw the school nativity play yesterday with little devils instead of angels. It made quite an imp act on us all.

After creating his monster, Frankenstein found it kept vomiting after every meal. Doctors told him not to bolt his food.

A huge boil has just exploded on my dad's sisters neck. There is aunty matter everywhere.

My mate has been bumped off. With his strange sexual preferences, he really shouldn't have taken that job on the dodgems.

The hosts at the wedding complained the wine would run out as I hadn't provided enough carafes but they failed to see the bigger pitcher.

Our local Abbot has expelled an obese, secretive monk caught cooking chips alone. He said the monastery was "no place for a deep fat fryer".

Just officiated at my first funeral and the car carrying the coffin broke down. I knew we should have re hearsed earlier on.

I was hoping for a gift to complete my collection of the works of Charles Dickens by today but I don't have Great Expectations.

When a group of North east school children were asked to draw their favourite cartoon they all drew a sketch of Sunderland.

Typhoo have launched a guaranteed 100% toxin free brew for the super rich. It costs £150 per packet. It's wealth and safe tea gone mad

I don't mind hailing from earth and being an earthling but spare a thought for the poor dumplings.

My mate who lisps, dresses in a dark and morbid fashion, sings spirituals and practices black magic, has formed a Gothspell Choir

It must be awful being Jewish when it's cold and not being able to pull your hood up.

Down at heel local prostitutes who have leaky bits and have cut prices to get work are calling themselves the tenner ladies.

Our toilet is looking old and grubby so I've decided to splash out on a new one.

I have the new Islamic advent calendar. I just daren't open any of the doors.

My wife and her poor hearing. Yesterday she bought me a tad bent colander

When my Mrs. said it was time to hit the sack last night I anticipated a nights sleep, not a trip to casualty with swollen testicles.

I was delighted when the army medic ordered me discharge papers as I suffered from dysentery. So pissed off to receive a jumbo toilet roll

Octobers offerings

My dyslexic mate came to our toga party dressed as a goat

I was excited when told I had won a jackpot until I was told it belonged to the bukkake club

I always thought a Wagonwheel was Victoria Beckham on a unicycle

I tried to write a story about a man playing solo pontoon but there were too many twists and turns

I can do a North American Indian accent but it's a little bit Apache

Media? No you dear

Sodding well wet through. last time I go swimming.

A man walks into a bar with a goblin holding on behind him and the anagram expert barman asks him "why the conga elf"?

Life is what you make of it. I have made file.

Marriage: Where a partner knows how to turn lights switches on but not off and their partner exactly the opposite.

I'm off to Bury market this morning not to praise it.

The postman left my new Dyson on the doorstep. I found it covered in bird shit and piss wet through. Nature really does abhor a vacuum

I've just seen a huge fish floating on the water with 6 Austin Allegro's on it. It turned out to be a carp ark.

Wink old wrinkled Freddy Starr. How I wonder what you are.

In the Brinner household, Yul logs were a common sight and smell all year round.

Damn my dyslexia. I thought I got a job as a spy with M.I.5. I was actually selling pies on the M15.

The spottiest, smelliest people in the UK live in or around the Acne marshes.

Late News: Freddy Starr arrested for making a bad impression on young kids.

I'm not up with modern technology. I thought an MP3 player was the left back for the house of commons football team.

Amstrad are behind a string of new clubs where wealthy, elderly men can take their young female consorts. They call them Sugar Daddies.

My mate poured a tin of custard into the doorway of his local chemist when asked to act out Puss in Boots.

I just saw two married bees bare their backsides in the hive. They were honeymooning.

My new stereo system came with two 6 foot 6 Town Criers. I should have been more specific when I asked for huge loudspeakers.

I have a German friend called Gunther but I never let anyone hold him to my head.

If you don't pluck the duck before you eat it, there is every chance you will feel down in the dumps.

2G, 3G and now 4G. My internet connection is so slow it would be faster to send data by GG

A lactating woman at the door was not what I was expecting when I opted for milk from Express Dairies.

A mixed up atheist may eat shit.

I've been set a challenge to make an airtight sweat shirt but I can't see any way I can pull it off.

My mate and his wife have just been dismissed by the Leith Police.

My mate wanted to be an army chaplain. He had the bowler, walking stick and moustache but could never get the funny walk right

I keep dreaming that I am a successful kleptomaniac and I don't wake up despite pinching myself.

People say I am narcissistic just because I take a full length mirror with me and ride alone on the tunnel of love.

I could put up with Claire Richards,Lisa Scott-Lee and Fay Tozer but Ian H Watkins was a step too far

Referees have been instructed that when asthmatic players foul an opponent, it is not permissible to go wheezy on them.

I keep ours heating bills lower by not switching it on and keeping the bills in the bottom drawer.

I understand that the original paintings of the kids programme "The Herbs" were done with a Basil Brush.

All my clocks went back last night. I couldn't keep up with the payments.

Q. What do you call a young, upwardly mobile person, high on life, trying to get her horse to move forward. A. A giddy yuppie. Cheers.

I gave my Japanese pal an Argos catalogue when he said he wanted to buy a blender, I had no idea he was looking for an escort for the night.

The actor who used to spend the most time pondering his lines was Arthur Mull Hard.

My mate, Paddy O'Doyle who had chronic insomnia has just died. The O'Doyle family didn't seem to see the irony in having a wake for him.

Just made up a joke about a novelty toy pulled by two people at Christmas. It's a cracker.

My neighbour calls her cat Potato. I think she intends having it chipped.

The local Tourettes sufferers club has been licensed to sell wines and spirits and has opened a fuck off license.

I was looking for a new angle in retail shopping so I opened a corner shop.

I entered a cartoon competition and won first prize for my landscape of Sunderland.

Keeping water stored behind a wall. You're damned if you do and Damned if you don't.

Just looked in the window of our local funeral services shop and saw a coffin to die for.

Police have raided a slimming club for the obese. False readings are recorded to increase fees. Police say it took place on a huge scale.

My wife is going to Mount Kilimanjaro. I am shocked. I had no idea she even had a Japanese lover.

After the attack at Hillsborough the EDLand BNP have launched a "kick football out of racism" campaign saying It sickens racists everywhere

The local farmer has just crashed his combined harvester into the barbed wire fence whilst cutting the field. Everything has gone hay wire

My mate is so romantic, he turns off the lights, cooks a candlelit dinner for two and plays a Barry White c.d. every time he masturbates.

I couldn't understand why I was sacked from the Royal Mint. Then the penny dropped.

Disappointed when I heard a story about Bob-sleighing was on the Beeb but it involved no union leaders.

The annual conference of Tourettes sufferers will take place tomorrow in the Cornwall resort of Foulmouth.

O.K Ageism I can cope with but beejism is a whole new ball game.

Just written a play, a Scottish tragedy about a Dutch religious sect member who joins the police. I called it Amish Macbeth.

The faster than light race departed and I went into waters uncharted, How really absurd, I only came third but finished before I had started

It was staring us in the face all the time. Jimmy Saville paedophile is an anagram of Jimmy Saville paedophile.

Objects one tenth the size of a pinhead can be seen with the naked eye. Objects as big as Everest cannot be seen with the clothed eye.

Marriage eh! Got into bed last night, kissed the mrs on the cheek, looked at her naked body and said, "I remember when this was all feels"

Just passed a junction with a notice saying there were 52 deaths there last year. It's a worrying sign.

When was Africa's best drought? We only hear about the worst ones.

To err is human, to im is histrionics.

If all the MP's at Westminster were laid end to end from Westminster going north, there would be a line of MP's from Westminster going north

My studies into the bottom shapes of fairies, goblins and elves is now at an impasse.

One of my favourite authors writes stories about a long distance lorry driver set in the future. Check out H.G.V Wells on Amazon.

The world diarrhoea championships are very exciting this year. It's end to end stuff.

I know a dyslexic record store owner with attention deficit disorder who loves Angus Young. He suffers from hdad dc ccad

I opened an account with a branch of the bank of China yesterday. Half an hour later I felt the need to go and open another one.

Whilst I agree that Rowling's Harry Potter works were very entertaining I still think that J.K's best work was done with Jamiroquai

Hypnotists rarely go to auctions as they get someone else to do their bidding.

My mate is such a raving atheist he has changed his name from Christian to Godfree.

A woman whose children died in a bath filled with a popular orange fizzy drink, apple juice and alcohol has been charged with in fanta cider

Pets

I have had some lovely tweets today following my posting on twitter that one of our two German Shepherd dogs, Steffi, had a stroke this morning. None animal lovers will no doubt find it weird as it's "Not as if it is a person or anything" but it just shows how much we all care about our pets.

I had never owned a dog and inherited two with Janet. I wasn't keen but was soon won over, especially with the spunky Jack Russell who was once caught with a step ladder under his arm when he found out that the Great Dane next door was in season. We had to lock him in a cupboard at night if a local dog was on heat. I was pleased he was not aware of Jan.

Thomas was killed outside the house when the door latch blow open in the wind and he walked straight out under a car. The shithouse didn't even stop though there were car parts in the road. Thomas never ran anywhere so he must have just ambled into the road. It was early evening and I suspect drink was involved. Not Thomas you understand. I buried him in the back garden but, whilst I dug the hole, out last German Shepherd, Eva (as in Braun) sat next to him. Every time we let her out for a month after this, she went straight to the same spot, checking that his smell was still there. It was sad and touching to see. Harry is the same with Steffi. Steffi was the runt of the litter and we took them both as we felt sorry for her. They are inseparable.

I cannot imagine not having a dog in the house. It wouldn't seem quite right. We live in a remote spot so it is a good idea for security but I would still have one if I lived on the top floor of a tower block. All pets ask for is that you look after them. They ask for nothing else. They don't sulk or cheat. They don't argue with you and are always on your side.

As I type, Steffi is at my feet, dosed up with steroid injections. She looks woe begone and is very shaky on her legs but 10 hours ago she couldn't get up at all. If she lasts the night we should be o.k. unless she has another stroke. Another one will probably be fatal. We would probably put her to sleep even if she survived another one as we could not stand by and watch her suffer and fade away. We owe her much more than that. I hope that someone will be kind enough to do the same for me if I am ever in this position.

A little doubt goes a long way.

One of my favourite ever Tweeters is post op following cancer surgery. I am sure she has gone through every emotion in the book and she now has the waiting game which, sadly, sometimes never ends. I hope to hear soon she is well on the way to recovery.

I was very blasé about my own condition. I didn't take it seriously right up to surgery which my better half often found both annoying and baffling. It is always more difficult for the people who love you. They never know if they are saying or doing the right thing. I made a joke of it. I still do. It wasn't a veneer to cover fear or anything approaching it. It was just the way I am.

One thing does change though. You only need a fraction of a percentage of doubt about the success of the treatment to enable less than positive thoughts to surface. For instance. I have eczema. I've had it, on and off, for most of my life. When it flares I use various prescribed creams and it usually disappears, only to reappear elsewhere. The most annoying was on my bollocks when I was a kid. It was worse for my dad who took me to the Doctors and was so embarrassed at having to explain where it was to him. I seem to remember "penny" being used. How quaint. I'd have said bollocks in his position.

Anyway, I have a patch on my leg that will not respond to any treatment. It sometimes seems to glow in the dark and itches like buggery (so I'm told). It is eczema I am sure but....

I need some dental work done. I went to the surgery two weeks ago and the hygienist was concerned with a white patch on the roof of my mouth. She wanted a second opinion and I booked in again. I had to wait two weeks. That fraction of a percent kicked in again. I read the John Diamond book a few years ago and decided that was one way I didn't want to go. I actually dreamt, the following night, that I had mouth cancer. It was a relief to wake up. I have since had the all clear. Whatever it was has gone. No doubt there will be other issues from time to time. It doesn't bother or worry me. At least, I am 99.9999999% sure it doesn't.

Radiohead versus Pisshead

Last night I went to my, much looked forward to, Radiohead concert. We were somewhat apprehensive at the ticketless entry system and must have checked the booking terms a dozen times to make sure we had everything with us that we needed to gain entry.

In the end it was faultless and we were in our seats in good time. I had never heard the support before "Caribou" but I enjoyed them. They were loud.

The tickets cost us £150 with booking fees and I am always wary at the M.E.N. as I don't think the acoustics are brilliant. far too much echo in the cavernous empty roof space for my liking. I now get to the point of this posting.

Is it just us two that are out of touch with the realities of modern culture or, has everyone become a pisshead? The queues for booze, once you gained entry, never dropped. There were vendors with cases of Fosters on their backs dispensing it to eager customers. I assumed that once the band came on, it would stop but, did it buggery. If anything it got worse. It was almost as if electric shocks were being passed into selected seats at regular intervals as people stood to let pissheads go to the bar then stood again to let them come back with their bottles and plastic cups.

When the fifth song from the set was underway, there was a queue of dozens out in the corridor, thirsting for booze. I could see them lining up as the doors never closed with the throughput of traffic. If booze was so essential to the enjoyment, why not just go to Wetherspoons and wear headphones? It never stopped, from first number to encore, in out, in out in case they had the faintest chance of sobering up.

I won't complain about the dickheads who pay £75 for a seat then stand all the way through the concert nor the complete twat somewhere nearby who was obviously smoking a joint. I won't complain about the hundreds of phones pointing at the stage recording fuck knows what as all you got was a mass of colour and the sound would have been terrible. When played back it would be like you had recorded someone's bad dream.

As for the concert itself, I love Radiohead but I came out slightly disappointed. They played an unusual set. No Street Spirit or Just or Karma Police. It would be like the Moody Blues refusing to play Question and Nights in white satin. The bass was decibels too loud and drown out all the lead guitar work for me. I just couldn't hear it. There was an intricate stage set of off angle screens showing individual band members but I found it annoying. They only stayed on one band member for a few seconds before switching and sometimes had angles that you couldn't work out what the hell you were seeing.

To cap the night, we stayed in a nearby Travelodge and were given a bed that they must have bought pre war. There were more springs coming up than we have in the back garden after the floods. Fotunately they threw in a breakfast by mistake so I won't bother complaining.

Despite what it sounds like, we had a great day.

Sixty and counting

I often hear people discussing age and age related topics and it often ends with "I wish I was 20, 30 etc now" or "if only I knew then what I know now". I have said it myself often enough. I don't really mean it. I think people of my age were born at the perfect time.

There was rationing still on when I was born but I was too young to remember it. I also missed other post war hangovers such as national Service. When I think back however, it does seem like a completely different world.

I have a sister who is twelve years older than me so there was always music in our house. My first recollections are more Michael Holliday and "His car went beep" than Elvis but I do remember the start of rock and roll as the music infiltrated the crooners and middle of the road stuff that had dominated for years. I liked skiffle and Lonnie Donnegan, probably because my mother did. My Dad used to buy us three singles every Saturday on his way home from work. We had "Tower of Strength" by Frankie Vaughan, "Shakin all over and many others that are considered classic standards now. They were new and exciting to us. We bought "Love me do" when it came out. No-one can ever forget the excitement of waiting for the next Beatles single to come out knowing it would be nothing like the previous one but it would be as good as or even better. They always were. The Stones tried hard but could never quite get there. There were the Kinks and Zombies, the Who, the Animals. Even the pap stuff was listenable to. Think of "Something Good" by Hermans hermits. Then came Cream, Hendrix, Free, Jethro Tull, Taste, The Moody's and Led Zep. It seemed like it would never end.

-- Can you imagine kids getting excited about a fridge? We were. It was about 1966 when we got out first one. Very few people had a fridge. In summer, milk sat under a muslin cloth to stop it from souring. I remember our first telly. It was probably about a 12 inch screen. The picture would have been grainy. The picture slipped and people had their legs over their heads but it was exciting. I went to watch my ex wife on "Come Dancing" at a neighbours house in 1970 as he had a colour set. I also watched England lose 3-2 to Germany there too. A whole village and one colour set.

-- Asians! When I was a kid they were not regarded as they are now, at least not in the late 50's. Dad managed a Mill and many Saturdays I went in with him. There were 80 Northrop looms working flat out. The noise was incredible. You could stand nose to nose and shout at someone and they wouldn't hear you. My ears used to ring for days afterwards sometimes. Health and safety? Ear protection? Don't make me laugh. The Pakistani men were lovely. They thought dad was a hero. I never left the Mill without four or five bob in my pocket as they insisted on giving me money. They all called me son. They missed their own families. They called at our House on Christmas day with presents for my dad. One year it was Ramadan. My Mum offered them a sherry.

-- I saw the first moon landings, Lillian Board, (look her up, she was magnificent)and Revies Leeds though I could never understand why he didn't buy Gordon Banks and Kevin Hector. When I decided to leave school, it never occurred to me that I wouldn't find a job. The careers teacher saw me and asked what I intended to do. "Probably join British Telecom" I replied and I did. There were jobs galore if you wanted to work.

I could write for another hour but won't. Had I been younger, I'd have missed all this.

-- I won't swap.