More one liners

I'm thinking of changing my hair style. A stone one would be more practical as the number of walkers has increased substantially lately.

I've been sacked by the local garden centre for not looking after the lawns properly. They gave me no warnings. I was just turfed out

I was thrown out of the magic circle as they said being dyslexic meant I couldn't spell properly.

When the Dr. asked me to come in short pants for my examination you can imagine my embarrassment at the misunderstanding.

I am opening a Hogwarts themed cafe with food served in flatbread. It's called Harry Pitta's

 I've opened a themed cafe called cravats. We serve Thai food.

Just got back from the docs. I Had one of those annoying floaters in my eye. He told me to stop drinking out of the toilet bowl.

 Kids are at a petting zoo. I'm fondling the mrs. next door at the heavy petting area.

Those golfers are pathetic taking a caddy with them every time they play a round. Why not make it easy and slip a flask in the bag?

Competitors in the German sausage eating championships have taken a turn for the wurst.

Damned Chinese car mechanic told me I had headlight problems. I bought new bulbs. Turned out I needed Hedrin and medicated shampoo.

They are casting locally for a production of the vagina monologues. I'm hoping to get a part in it.

Our local Chinese gangsters are looking for new members so they are going to triads in the local paper.

Golfer just took out a driver on the fairway. Bloody idiot shouldn't have parked there.

Ian Poulter had a 69 yesterday at the golf. It was a blow for the rest of the field.

Apparently panelists really enjoy recording "Q.I" but are never happy to go for a fry up afterwards.

Just got a quote of £3250 to have the house painted. Decided a photograph will be cheaper.

My pointing business has gone to the wall.
A thief dressed as a court jester stole our money from our lockers. We chased after him but he lead us a merry old dance.

 I just got a job as P.R. for a firm marketing a new type of bicycle wheel. I am now their official spokes person.

My new business venture in producing Kangaroo meat is coming along in leaps and bounds.

Those who are guilty of cupboard love cannot complain when they are left on the shelf.

My mates fire breathing act was described as "rubbish" He was quite put out.

My dad used to tinkle on the ivories. His incontinence pants were useless.

The local chicken pox sufferers club is advertising a shingles only night.

My budgie was a bugger for flying into my tropical fish tank. I eventually had to knock him off his perch.

I was employed as a detective at a bedding factory investigating theft of sheets. I spent most of my time working under cover.

The audience were quite impressed at the ladies boxing championships until the referee knocked one out.

I bought a dvd from the market. It had a patch on it and was covered in salt and what looked like parrot shit. I think it was a pirate copy.

I asked the barman for a stiff drink. The viagra cocktail hit the spot.

I fell in love with a woman who assembled light switches on an assembly line. Ours was an on/off sort of romance.

I complained loudly to the decorator about the standard of his work but he just glossed over it.

I see those Irish family popsters have joined the charity brigade but feel that the name "Corrs for concern" is a little flippant.

I knew a scary frenchwoman who wore bread underwear. It was from a boo lingerie.

Following a lawn mower accident I kept falling over without warning. After tests, doctors advised me I was lack toes intolerant.

Sight sound, touch and taste were all a turn off to me until therapy helped me to come to my senses.

My wife's stutter means she has trouble with words like fellatio. She just can't get her mouth around it.

My drooling dyslexic mate was shocked to be given a tambourine when he believed he had joined the salivating army.
Children with special needs should be trained as bakers.

Just did some trading on the stock exchange. I just swapped a box of oxo cubes for a box of bisto.

My wife is in hospital having a CAT scan. I told her that her arse was too big and to be careful where she sat.

As a member of the Town's only gay male voice choir, I can confirm that we really do all sing from the same him sheet.

My wife and I couldn't think of a theme name for our forthcoming party. We've decided to call it a do.

I got told off yesterday when picking my nose. The surgeon was adamant that the one I chose wouldn't suit me.

My mate lived alone in a lighthouse for three months. Eventually he went stair crazy..

I'm just too tired to keep this Irish funeral celebration going. I simply cannot keep a wake.

The surgeon who wanted a sample of my brain tumour was out of order. I really gave him a piece of my mind.

My mother in law died yesterday from poisoning. It was inevitable one day that she would bite her own tongue.

Putting hydrochloric acid on her handkerchief sure wiped the smile off my wife's face.

I gave an editor all my one liners. He read them then covered them with his copy of the Observer. I fear he was papering over the cracks.

The architect was sacked when the building inspector fell into the cellar. He had misunderstood the request for no flaws in the plans.

I have a dreadful addiction to masturbating into jars of Hartleys strawberry jam. I got caught in Tescos but they are keeping a lid on it.

I met my wife on a morse code course. We were happy at first but then she left me. She said I'd started sending out the wrong signals.

Incompetent vaginal swab analysers have confessed to starting a badly flawed smear campaign.

Today's march by the pro teabagging anarchists is expected to end up with heavy police use of ketteling.

I will be shortly be expressing a doubt or choice between alternatives. That is the end of the whether forecast.

In mediaeval times torturers worked to a punishing schedule

Before I developed Parkinsons disease I used to love a glass of milk. Now it makes my stomach churn.

The inventor of alphabetti spaghetti insisted that when he died he wanted to be buried at C.

My wife accused me of masturbating whilst reading a book. I argued with her that I was only having a scratch and I'm sticking to my story.

I've written a playfully quaint, fanciful, appealing, amusing short story set to music and dance. I suppose you'd call it a little whimsical

A nasty bug is going round, I hope that I don't catch it, It's from a thrush, affects the bush and makes you want to scratch it.

My dyslexic neighbour went for a jog but ended up working in Sainsburys.

My Chinese neighbour turned to seafood after being trapped under stream roller. He became a crustacean.

I went on the Mothers Pride walk last year and got sandwiched between two protesters.







I left my job making devices to open doors as I couldn't handle it.

I've been waiting ages to hear how my interview went at the tennis racquet repair shop. I fear they may just be stringing me along.

I had a hobby doing silhouettes of people with scissors and cardboard . I made no money as I wasn't cut out for the job.

Pimples aren't so important but boils matter.

Our local undertaker put a body in the wrong plot yesterday. They have put their hands up and admitted to a grave error of judgement.

My philandering pal pretends to be at the golf club when being unfaithful to his wife. Luckily for him he hasn't been caught playing around.

You know that bloke who cuts your hair? I take my hat off to him

A local man has been arrested for interfering with fish. He said it started when he was a child and he became hooked on prawnography

Big noses run in our family
.
Mrs. doing volunteer work this morning for cat protection. Little buggers piss all over your door if you don't pay up every month.

A mate of mine dies after falling into a vat of fermenting cheese. He tried to stay afloat but was whey out of his depth.

I would have loved to have been a successful doctor but I just don't have enough patience

My investment in a new type of notice board is looking promising but I'm not pinning my hopes on it.

got a job as an extra playing an ice cream salesman in a film. My role was to melt into the background.

Want to know an funny story about a thorny subject? Thistle amuse you.

My bloody car keeps stopping and starting then going into a spin. I think it's the brake dancing

The inventor of the low cistern toilet was initially flushed with success

I can be a very belligerent market trader when I set my stall out.

I always keep the scales on cooked fish when I want a balanced meal.

You can count on the fingers of his right hand the number of views I have in common with Abu Hamza.

A horse walks into a bar after a particularly badly botched transplant operation. Barman: Why the lung face?

I, of course, always assumed that. The American space programme was all shuttlecocks until they finally sent a woman up.

I used to have a job lifting the lead singer of the Animals when he was drunk but eventually I couldn't carry the Burdon.

I've written a brilliant play about a dog walker. Can you suggest any suitable to take the lead?

Buskers often earn good money, at the drop of a hat.

My interview didn't go well. He asked me to make myself at home. The farting annoyed him but insisting he made my tea really pissed him off

The first spot the ball competition was held in the Blue streak Harem, Egypt in 1427.

The last thing an actress wants during a gynaecology examination is a big hand.

I wasn't able to offer money to the man collecting for the hernia awareness charity campaign but I was happy to offer him my support.

The woman surgeon who gave me cornea transplants was gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

The editor was irate when I returned from an interview with a tape of the celeb chewing his dinner. How was I to know what a sound bite was?

I was hoping to use my experience as a tailor to launch myself as a stand up comedian but unfortunately I didn't have enough material.

I like to eat it nice and slow, my dopiaza curry, but must admit, when it turns to shit, it exits in a hurry

 I pushed a mixture of turmeric, cardamom, and galangal up my bottom and ever since I have been walking rather gingerly

There has been a spate of robberies at houses belonging to 1980's over hyped pop and rock stars. Police as we speak are dusting for Prince

Whilst travelling in Iran I had an argument with my wife and she left for Iraq alone. Things are so bad now and there is a gulf between us

Wife just asked me to separate two eggs. I didn't even know that the little buggers were fighting.

My dad was same when the National Anthem was played by a brass band. He simply wouldn't stand for it.

Our neighbours were talking to us through gritted teeth last winter. The council snow plough had the spray turned up too high.

I passed out on the waterslide at Blackpool pleasure beach yesterday. I hate those wooden log carriages. I was overcome by flumes.

My eldest was born nine months after my wife had the flu. Though feeling dreadful she still wanted sex. The pregnancy was ill conceived.

 My mate writes dreadful furniture reviews for DFS. He's a terrible armchair critic

Proceedings at the world masturbation championships were halted today when two contestants began to argue the toss.

In France Rabies is all the rage

I know a dyslexic homeless PDF writer who has no fixed adobe

I blame the Queen for it constantly pissing it down. Even our National Anthem asks her to rain over us. Get a grip

Builder told me my house urgently needs pointing. I'll sleep on it and decide which direction to take tomorrow.

I'm doing a three legged race tomorrow tied to a mate who is a superb runner. We are bound to win.

I am finding this pamphlet on how to attach steel girders together quite riveting.

Testicle transplants? That's a whole new ball game

I just had one of Walkers new "Heather and Peat" flavoured crisps. They are very moorish.

Another tip for mac users. Undoing the lowest two buttons enables a quicker flash and getaway.

My barber wants to give me a new style with hair short at the sides but long at the back. I need some time really so I can mullet over

I love my new bic biro, It cures all my writing fears, it works on any surface, and scoops the wax out from my ears.

I've just been expelled from the master guild of Tarot readers. To be fair, it's been on the cards for a while.

Did you hear about the woman who contacted the official receiver when she was told to fold her ironing board up?

Apparently one of my friends suffers from curvature of the spine. I have a hunch who it is.

My doctor tells me if I don't eat more fibre I'll end up constipated to a dangerous level. Personally I don't give a shit.

My hospital consultant was a former Road planner which explains why he told me I needed a bypass in a roundabout sort of way.

I'm worried as I tend to orgasm very quietly. My wife assures me however that sighs don't matter.

When walking barefoot where cheese has been dropped, it is advisable to tread Caerphilly..

The weather has varied so much today I've worn five different sets of clothes whilst cutting down a tree. I'm sick of chopping and changing

Sky News: The queen had been on the throne over 14 years when David Cameron was born. It must have been one hell of a curry.

Following a tip off, police have smashed a gang accused of multiple buggery attacks by taking the ringleader into custody.

Just heard about all those deaths in Syria. the Italian football authorities really need to clamp down on hooliganism.

Walrus trainers who pass their exams gain the seal of approval

French Peters crack under Pierre pressure.

My unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year old won't smile and shows no interest in girls. I'm worrying he is emosexual.

My lad complained like buggery when we enlisted him into the army. I am sure he said that one day he wanted to be a vet.

I think it is absolute folly, to class the obese as all jolly, I think it's just dire, to own a spare tyre, and push it around in a trolley.

In my long gone youth I was healthy if uncouth, Now every single day more of me rots away and I've got a broken tooth.

Asked what they wanted for Christmas M.P. Jake Berry said Berries, William Cash said cash and Therese Coffey, coffee. Ed Balls said fuck off

Sky News: Old man put to bed at 5.00pm and left there until 10.00am the following morning! Jammy bastard.

German shepherd turds are truly wondrous sights, not like normal stools, they are more like stalagmites.