Different, people, differing opinions.

As D day approaches I have found myself comparing the information I have been told by the three consultants involved since my diagnosis. Eighteen months ago, active surveillance was a no brainer. The Halifax man said my condition was a good one. The cancer was low grade. He couldn't feel it on examination. My life expectancy was a normal one and I could have had it for years already. The chances were that, had I not been examined for a different complaint, I would have died with the cancer, not from it. He agreed with my decision as it was too early to consider surgery.

Eighteen months later he tells me it has increased from around 10% on one side to mid twenties and from none on the other to 11%. There are also traces of the more virulent "gleeson 4" type, although they are almost negligible. No need to worry. All three options still open. My original stricture problem is only small so the fact I sometimes pee down my leg may be due to the prostate swelling. I must add that I don't often pee down my leg. Given the choice, there are a few people around whose legs I would thoroughly enjoy peeing down however. As a second biopsy result is now available it's back to Bradford Oncology (where incidentally chemotherapy was invented) for analysis.
 

In Bradford the radiotherapist strongly advises against this type of treatment due to my stricture and my medical history. Down to two options. Next day surgeon says better out now than inevitable surgery later. Explains the robotic procedure and asks me to consider which option should I choose for surgery. Robotic surgery is only carried out in Leeds and Manchester in our area so an appointment is made at Jimmys.

Last week at consultants in Leeds. Very professional and informative. They reassess all results not relying on previous conclusions. Charts, diagrams and computer forecasts are used and explained in detail. Shakes head wildly at continuing surveillance option. Marks my notes "Urgent within 31 days". Tells us 54% likelihood that cancer is now into nerves on one side and they will have to be removed. 34% chance of "normal" functions eventually. Tells us that cancer on left side is 80% and 20% on the right. Looks skywards when we mention previous consultants remarks on stricture and books me in to look for himself and books me in for a look. Advises it should have been routinely checked before any surgery undertaken. Tells me my appendix op in 1964 could compromise robotic surgery due to potential sticky" tissue where scar lies. I won't know which op I have until I wake up.

Last Friday the Leeds consultant inserts the camera with no difficulty, something Halifax failed to do twice, (the second time leaving me looking like something from a butchers slab). I have no stricture, just slight scarring. The operation can go ahead.

In less than two weeks I have gone from none urgent in one opinion to urgent in the other.Had I had the prostate removed a year ago, the nerves that now have to be removed would have been saved. My chances of normality would be improved. I still have to go online and find out what "dry orgasm" entails.

I'm not complaining but, you do wonder where the reality lies when you put your future in other peoples hands.

The phone call gave it away

The phone call gave it away. How often does a consultant’s secretary ring you out of the blue and ask you to be at the clinic at 8.15 the following morning? I put the phone down, looked across the office and sighed. “Maybe it’s good news and they want to tell you before Christmas” my Co Director offered without a hint of irony, or conviction come to that!.

We had a weekend planned already. Friday morning, off to York for two days of indulgence. We’d make the appointment on the way. We arrived at 8.10am, we are old school and never late, and finally got in to see the consultant at 9.10am. What a pleasant hour it was watching cups of tea and coffee being passed around, files being trolleyed and listening to hushed conversations along the lines of “And do you know what the dirty sod asked me to do then?” A day sat in an NHS. Corridor would perfectly encapsulate 21^st century Britain.

The consultant was cool, clear and precise. He explained what type of cancer I had, the severity of it and my three options. He lost me at “hello Mr. Campbell”. Thank God Janet was with me to listen and ask the relevant questions. I didn’t have to make a choice then but I had no hesitation in doing so. The choices were a/ surgery b/ radiotherapy and c/ do nothing. I don’t know why he offered me a and b when c was available. Exit a few minutes later a slightly crestfallen couple holding reams of literature to read over the weekend. We sat in the car, looked at each other and Janet burst into tears. I started to laugh then joined her till we both laughed. “Is this hysteria” I thought to myself.

So passed the first 24 hours of being a cancer patient along with and ever increasing percentage of the population. This was over 18 months ago and I can’t say it has been a worrying interim as, a handy gift of being able to ignore things I don’t want to think about, has won out. It has been far worse for Janet. She viewed every headache I have had, every ache and pain, every sneeze as a symptom of the cancer morphing into something from the Alien. All I could think about was the follow up biopsy. I am not soft and consider myself to have a high pain threshold but the biopsy isn’t about pain. It’s, well, there isn’t a word for it. A whole new word needs to be made up to describe having a probe the size of  a vaulter’s pole, shoved up your bottom, twisted from side to side then pushing a compass point into it to administer an anesthetic. I can’t say if the anesthetic works or not but I wouldn’t want to try and find out.

First time round I didn’t know that they took ten samples. That’s TEN samples. Ten times something I imagine has a tongue and teeth biting into your prostate. It’s not fun. I keep reading on the internet (not that I research such things you understand), that prostate stimulation is becoming more and more popular amongst the sexually advanced elite. You can shove that! Man it stings. Imagine being stung up your bottom by an angry wasp ten times. It’s obviously an “in joke” with the perpetrators of the incision to ask after sting number five, “Are you counting Mr. Campbell?” Am I counting? They must be joking! I barked “Yes” to muffled laughter from behind me. They are always behind you. I think there should be a mirror in front so you can see who is behind you and what they are doing. This is particularly relevant after biopsy number two. After the tenth “sting” there was a short period of unusual silence. I was suspicious and for a horrible moment wondered if they were going to carry on and give me some bonus stings, something for me to remember them by. It wasn’t that. The operator had pricked her own finger with my last sample. Not a problem for me but a big one for her. I did feel sorry for her. It cannot be a dream at 17 when a girl leaves school to spend her days shoving things up old men’s bottoms. Even worse to prick your finger with what you brought out. There ensued five star treatment. Apologies flowed ten to the dozen and I ended up apologizing to the poor girl for having my bottom in the line of fire. Aids tests had to be carried out (on me) for her and I had to answer a long questionnaire about my sexual habits. Fortunately they are so far in the past they weren’t relevant. All this time Janet is sitting with me, the look of concern never leaving her face. Only once were we separated. The nurse wanted to ask a “personal “question. She was pretty and my hopes were raised. Basically she wanted to know if I had ever had gay sex. I was tempted to ask what was classified as gay sex but didn’t. A loud “no” seemed sufficient.

So I was on my way, an hour later than planned. Take that hospital car park! It wasn’t a ruse to get more money out of us as cancer patients get free parking! What a bonus! On top of free prescriptions I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. That was until the results of the biopsy came through.

One liners up to 20/6/2011

There is nothing matters more in this life than a burst boil

I love working in the disposal of old notes department here at the Royal Mint. I literally have money to burn.

I'm going to finish this spot with a tube of valderma.

My optician asked me what the red mark on the bridge of my nose was. "Glasses" I told him. "Why not try contacts?" "They don't hold beer"

I showed the removal firm the Health and safety guide when they refused to move my piano. They still objected but agreed to take a few notes

I went to give my dad a fathers day gift today. Well, I put some flowers in a wank jar at the sperm donors clinic.

Every year my daft kids play the same joke and send fathers day cards to the bloke who used to deliver our milk.

My wife likes to cover her face with a pillow during oral sex. She says it helps to cushion the blow.

It was a mystery where the duck feathers appeared from but eider good idea.

Our woodwork teacher used to bully us into making microphone booms until I decided to make a stand.

 I can't resist joining in and running past anyone who doffs off at public events. I've always enjoyed  a competitive streak.

My mate is a superb opening batsman but he has a secret underwear fetish. He is forever being caught in the slips.

When it comes to size of the tube connecting the testes with the urethra, there is usually a vas deferens.

When it comes to the crunch, you can't beat sex with good quality nuts.

I don't know about you, but I find late Victorian pornography very hard to come by.

Management at the orange juice factory didn't appreciate my sense of humour and I was sacked for taking the pith.

Since these nasty lesions started bursting on my skin, my wife has been so loving. It's true. Abscess really does make the heart grow fonder

Angelina has told Brad to lose weight as she thinks he has a fat arse. He refuses to saying he has no intention of being a bottomless Pitt

For his birthday I told my brother to reminisce over the happy times he spent lusting after Carol Vorderman. It's the thought that counts.

My mate's such a practical joker. He really enjoys a good wheeze. Wait until he finds out I stole his ventolin inhaler.

I almost had the record for the most snot anyone has managed to keep up their nose for an hour and then I blew it

In this PC world, is it wrong to say Adele should facer problem,reduce her bytes, no longer ram in food and become a little more Compaq?

My wife has insisted I take her out tomorrow night. Fair do's. Anyone know a good hitman?

My Canadian policeman friend was obsessed with guessing the size and weight of things. I guess that's what make amountie.
 
Almost finished my book about "famous winds of the world" I'm just working on the final draught.


When the chips are down, you haven't taken the feathers off your crispy duck.

We refused to share our colanders despite dire threats from the boss. He was confused by our none pass sieve resistance.

Our local church was burnt down by hooligans using fragrant, aromatic materials. Priest, father Burns said, the whole Parish was incensed.

Been trying to put up some coat hooks all morning. I just can't seem to get the hang of it.

Really enjoyed my first bout of shadow boxing. Hank Marvin wasn't quite so keen.

My wife's upset because I keep seeing someone behind her back. The bugger runs away before I can get my hands on him though.

I have three abacuses. I actually have four but one is broken so it doesn't count.

 I just woke up and found myself covered in a milky sticky substance. I started to panic. I don't know what came over me.

I hate having my morning break with my boss, an angry tree surgeon who only eats starters. He's always barking out hors douvres


 My main job is testing out sound systems at rock concerts. After this one I have another one too one too.

The lawyer asked the judge for leniency and a short stretch for his client. The judge agreed and he was subsequently hanged.

I wondered where my next meal was coming from until I found the homeless shelter. Then, there it was, handed to me on a plate.

I can't resist putting on my Turkish Red hat every morning. I hope it's just a fez I'm going through.

I find a pebble makes an excellent contraceptive. I put it in my shoe and it makes me limp.

I made a witty remark to my neighbour about his new toupee but it went right over his head.

 Police are investigating a brutal attack on a woman involving dried fruit. A spokesman said it was the worse case of date rape he had seen.

I won a years supply of macaroni in a game of pasta parcel.

Following a nasty burn Dr's asked if I would be a donor for a grafting donation. I agreed. Well it's no skin off my nose.

I had a telesales message asking me to pay £2.00 per month to help in clubbing baby seals to death in Canada. Bloody cull centres.

Weird. New soil has been dumped on my allotment three nights in a row. No-one admits to dumping it. Police are baffled. The plot thickens.

 A sexy neighbour flashed me this morning. Great boobs and wonderful smile. I can honestly say I am over the moon.

When studying the periodic table I am truly in my element.

I made a fortune in raw gold in the far east. Japan? No, it was just laying on the surface to be picked up.

Just back from the cop shop. Misunderstood the mrs. when she replied "decking" when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.

I'm told that my obsession with stealing doors is unhinged.

When I am really angry I find that boiling a kettle enables me to let off steam

If you lose your dog he can be traced by dusting prints after calling a paw trait painter.

I was desperate to get up early and repair the pavement this morning but the mrs insisted I kerb my enthusiasm

My dad talks shite constantly. I'm sure he has irritable vowel syndrome.

 I couldn't remember what the break of day was called when suddenly it dawned on me.

I've invented a safe disguised as a washing machine for money launderers.

I'm sure I have a gay poltergeist in the house. It's giving me the willies

I was arrested for stealing 50 flat car batteries but the police decided no charges were necessary

Just tried to stitch up a damaged silk purse and made a real pigs ear of it.

 As songwriters start to get old do they gradually decompose?

Crazy paving isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Competition at the annual anagram competition was fierce. I couldn't get a word in edgeways

I was very disappointed when play.com sent me my purchase, "Dolly Parton's Greatest Hits". Turned out to be a load of songs.

Although not the best candidate, I got the job at the hen plucking factory. My appointment has really ruffled a few feathers

 I work at a transform clinic and volunteered for a pioneering testicle transplant. It failed and this morning the bastards gave me the sac.

The doctor prescribed me suppositories to cure my constipation. For all the good they were I may as well have shoved them up my arse.

Lambs are being given counsel for their gambolling addiction.

My wife was a useless burglar. She didn't have what it takes.

I recently fell out badly with a mate of mine who is related to Isambard Kingdom Brunel. I hope that soon we will be able to build bridges.

I just got a bit part in a new film. I just hope I can cope with all that horse saliva.

 Despite working behind bars for 20 years the judge sentenced me for selling alcohol. He said it conflicted with my job as a prison officer.

I asked our local, golf playing, chimney sweep what his handicap was. "Central heating" he replied.

My best mate just scared the shit out of me. With friends like that, who needs enemas?

I can always count on my good friend Abby Cuss.

We thought a case of diphtheria had been discovered in our village today. Tests turned out it was only a carrier.

My wife couldn't understand how I got so drunk at the pub after only one fill up. She didn't appreciate the full pitcher.

I want to apply for the job at the registry office filling in for missing fathers at weddings. I have misgivings about the position..

 When Bob Dylan lived next to Chris Evans he became a real nuisance. He kept knock knock knocking on Evans door.

People keep knocking on my door asking me to sort out their marital problems. It's a pain in the arse living in a former counsel house.

It's a shame Roscoe Tanner isn't still playing tennis. He could duet with Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Singa Tsonga Sixpence.

I love big butts. They hold so much water.

 Apparently standing outside their front door shouting "Your clothes are shite" is not what Primark regard as a fashion statement.

A warrant has been issued for my arrest for not believing police evidence against me. Apparently they want to take me in for questioning.

To cure my kleptomania I was sent on a piano tuning course. It was easy as the instructor was blind and just kept asking me to take notes.

I hurried hoping to do a brass rubbing on the bow of grounded ship in the nearby harbour but I was too late and it sank without a trace

After flattening it in a metal press, staff at the hospital were pleased at my recovery, giving me a big hand when I left.

I'd bend over backwards to be able to stand up straight.

"Brown and puckered with a pink tinge" is not the reply I expected when I asked my female work colleague about her ring tone.

My mouth spouts nothing but inane rubbish since I had my wisdom teeth removed.

A remembrance sunday vendor has been acquitted for indecency with his paper flowers. The judge said the prosecution was a load of poppycock

I'm having some designer underpants made and asked the designer for an estimate. As he's only done the gusset he gave me a ball park figure

I used to get donations from neighbours for clearing snow from their paths in winter but now it's summer it's become a slush fund.

I've started a stud site for breeders wanting their chickens fertilised. Originally free, I now have to charge a fee to make hens meet

As he is now 90 and disabled, sponging off my dad has a totally different meaning to when I was a kid.

I got sacked as a British rail police investigator for reading between the lines

I've been racking my brains trying to think of a good phrase to describe how my mrs. sometimes rubs her boobs across the top of my head.

I'd love to wear a toupee but I'm afraid to let my hair down

My kid failed to get job on the new filming of Thunderbirds so it looks as if I'm going to have to pull few strings.

Our discredited local cervical cancer specialist was demonised in a very effective smear campaign.

It's only necessary to beat around the bush when your pubic hair is in fire.

I was so far behind in the world wall pointing championships I decided to throw in the trowel.

I completed my first marathon yesterday. It's true about hitting the wall. Agony. I hope Berlin pulls the rest of it down before next years.

Extra marital sex is a high as 45% in Florida U.S.A. That's a terrible state of affairs.

I have diarrhoea and premature ejaculation. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

All the hours are really great in my opinion but, at the end of the day, midnight is best.

My dad is so predictable. We played charades last night and he mimed a sapling swaying in wet earth. The man is such a stick in the mud.

 My wife's breast augmentation was a disaster. She should never have told the foreign surgeon she wanted them to look ship shape afterwards.

My friends met whilst processing luncheon vouchers. All they ever seem to do is chit chat.

My friends met at a factory producing light switches. Their relationship has been on and off ever since.

I checked on my mate who is 12 hours into a darning socks marathon. Asked how he was feeling he said he was so so.

The lady of the night expected me to pay a fortune for her services. It was a surprise for her when I only left a small deposit.

My neighbour is an angry, epileptic, dyslexic and is always shaking his fits at me

I can't find a collections of short notes I wrote to introduce some books I reviewed and I'm completely lost forwards.

I got writers block writing my autobiography so I have adopted a novel approach.

I bought one of those pay as you go phones and it's run out as I haven't had a shit for a week.

Does the minister for health sit in the medicine cabinet?

 Ron and Russell Mael were sat near me, arguing madly in the airport departure lounge. When they boarded, the Sparks really began to fly.

The End

I have no idea how this will end. This is the beginning of the end. The only thing to be determined is the length until the end finally arrives. I have contributed to forums for some years but these are very transient as people come and go so I decided to personalise a blog to remind myself that I was once alive. I hope you will pop back in from time to time to have a look. If updates stop, it means I am fertilising soil somewhere with the contents of, what was, my urn. It's being so cheerful that keeps me going.