World Cup 2030

The voting has taken place at FIFA headquarters in Iran and outsiders Saudi Arabia have won the rights to the 2030 tournament. There were claims of racism after a newspaper poll found that every single delegate had voted for them. By a weird coincidence, all the delegates had at least one hand missing.

FIFA president Sam Allardyce, who earlier described his presidency as his "dream job" said, he was delighted at the result and, at the same time denied rumours he was now at number nine in the Forbes list of the 20 wealthiest men in the world.

If England get through their difficult qualifying group alongside Andorra, Brunei Darussalam, Macau and Bingley, captain Wayne Rooney says he is confident England will progress to their usual place in the quarter finals before being elimininated by the lowest ranked team still in the tournament. Rooney, who will be 45 when the tournament kicks off, also guarantees that he will add to his tally of goals for his country despite not having scored since 2016.

England sponsors, Stannah Stairlifts, are pouring money into youth football to bring down the average age of the England team in the hope that fresh talent will emerge. England vice captain, Wayne Rooney, fully supports this move though warning that the old brigade won't give up their positions without a fight. Rooney has come under fierce scutiny since he was appointed England manager and appointing Vera O'Flynn, a ninety two year old former masseuse, as the team physio.

Early betting puts the hosts Saudi Arabia as favourites, followed by Kuwait, the UAE and Allardyce Rovers, who qualified without playing, in a secret ballot.